Ross Noble: Randomist Page #3

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instantly become a rabbi? That's a bit odd.''

You've got a bit of a rabbi-style hat on.

Lend us your hat for a second.

Can l just borrow it? Ooh, f***!

Thanks, mate. Thank God you were here.

Jesus Christ.

That hat just lost it there. You just chucked

and it was like you went, ''l'm gonna do this.''

(Laughter)

Pouf...straight off.

Helmet girl quickly putting her visor down!

Poooo!

Give us a second, hang on.

(Laughter and applause)

- Shalom!

- (Applause)

Shalom, my friends!

There we go. l'll give you that back. l might

do the rest of the show with the hat on!

Just to be...weird.

No, l'll just... You ready?

Oh, sorry, l don't know

what happened there!

(Laughs) l'll give you that back there.

Nice work.

So anyway... Sorry, l just noticed

you lot up there. l do apologise.

l was looking... l've got to apologise to you.

Just before l came on,

l dunno if anyone saw, l checked me flies

and then l was aware of a few faces

just looking at me like that.

l wanted to give it the big rock 'n' roll

and l was just there

and l was aware that l was just standing,

you lot looking...

- (Laughter)

- You know.

l was rubbing myself

a little bit like a sex criminal, just...

''Oh, is that how he gets ready

before a show?

''He just stands in the wings

just rubbing himself like that.''

l'd better stop doing that. You might have

noticed, l've got a few cameras in tonight.

- Just film me just doing that!

- (Laughter)

They... l can't help myself.

l see a camera, l just wey-hey!

They... Well, not that, obviously.

Be a nightmare outside Dixons' window,

wouldn't it?

''What the hell's he doing?''

(Laughs lasciviously)

ln fact, l was up in Edinburgh.

We were just up in Edinburgh last week

and l did such...

Oh, l couldn't help meself. There was...

You know sometimes

you see the local news cameramen

and they're sort of filming just stock footage

of things and we were up there, right?

You know on the news when they go,

''Obesity reaches ridiculous proportions''

and there's just pictures of fat people from

there to there, just walking along the street.

The other one is when they have somebody

stuffing their face with a biscuit.

l think, ''You poor bastard'' sitting at home

just turning the news on.

''Fat people...'' Gahhhhhh!

''Turn it off, turn it off.''

l was up in Edinburgh and there was...

and Edinburgh Castle was there

and these, like, local news guys

filming the castle there.

And l saw it and l was walking along

and l was a bit bored, right,

so what l did was...

The cameras were there, the castle's there.

l just went like that past the camera

just for a bit of a laugh, you know.

l just thought, ''Blend in, they might not see

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