Ratchet & Clank

1

Esteemed citizens of Quartu,

I stand before you

a proud Blarg,

for tonight, we will twist

the very fabric of reality.

We will defy nature

with reckless abandon.

We have also broken

16 galactic statutes

and one star ordinance,

so I shouldn't see

anything about this online!

Beautifully worded, sir.

Hmm.

In just a few moments,

we will unleash a weapon

so powerful that

it will take...

Stanley, are you

seriously still texting

after what I just said?

Victor? If you please.

Uh...

Mommy.

- Dialing Mother.

Hello, Horkelberg residence!

Hello? Who is this?

Herman, it's that man again.

I hear heavy breathing and...

Ew! And chewing!

That's it.

I'm calling the police.

Does anyone else

feel like texting? Hmm?

Show of hands?

Anyone?

Uh-uh.

Very well.

Commence deplanetization!

Ready the Deplanetizer!

Seriously?

496, 497, 498, 499, 500.

Come on.

Is that all you got?

I need you to

give me 2,000,010%.

One and two and

three and four.

Remember, if you feel

the burn, that's good.

If you smell the burn,

that's bad.

Three, two, one.

Okay, let's dig deep.

Don't quit on me now.

Can you feel it?

Huh? Huh?

Can you feel the burn?

Are you kidding?

I'm on fire.

I can take anything

you can dish out,

so bring it on!

Okay, 2,000 more.

2,000?

One and two, three and four.

No pain, no gain.

And we'll be right back

after these messages!

Okay, bots! Let's do this!

And lunge! And lunge!

Ranger Workout

will be right back!

Burn!

Planet Tenemule is no more.

What?

Hello.

Dallas Wannamaker here.

Tonight at 5:
00,

another uninhabited

planet is destroyed

without warning or cause,

marking the fourth

in recent memory of our

once-peaceful galaxy.

As a result,

the President has requested

our ever-vigilant

Galactic Rangers

increase their numbers

from four to five.

Really? Just five?

All right.

And now a message

from the man himself,

Captain Qwark.

Space, a wondrous realm

full of adventure, and peril,

and, uh, big-ness.

Captain Qwark!

The Solana Galaxy

is our home,

and as many of you know,

it's in a state of crisis.

The Galactic Rangers

are looking for

a new recruit to help

with the investigation.

So if you're

a small-time nobody

in search of adventure,

come on down to the spaceport

and see me, Captain Qwark!

Cue montage!

Cue montage!

Our next stop,

Planet Veldin's

Kyzil Plateau!

Kyzil Plateau?

That's right!

The Kyzil Plateau!

Ranger tryouts.

This is huge.

Galactic Ranger!

Grab some sky.

Galactic Ranger, punk.

Put 'em...

Whoa!

Ranger down!

Mission accomplished.

Hello?

I'm here to pick up my ship?

I'll be there in one minute.

Ah!

Give or take.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Hmm?

Are you ready to

have your mind blown?

Eh. No.

Whoo-ho-ho! Yeah!

I'll take that as a yes.

Boom!

Protolux afterburners,

full Gadgetron weapon package,

and a high-intensity

mag-booster so powerful,

it can pick up a paperclip

from two kilocubits away.

I think

there's been a mistake.

I came in to get

my ejector seat repaired.

Why repair something

when you can improve it?

Come on, have a seat.

Now, let's fire up

that mag-booster!

Oh!

Pretty sweet, right?

I guess,

but why do I need it?

Well, you could...

I mean, you know,

if you ever...

You know, I don't know.

Whoa!

No worries,

I can buff that out.

Maybe we should just...

Power this sucker down.

Oh, boy.

Look out! Hello! Watch it!

Hey, I've been

looking for that.

Greetings, Cadet!

What was that sound?

Nothing.

Unrelated question,

is your seatbelt on?

Uh...

Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes!

Those aren't the brakes!

I'm too old to die!

You've got to be kidding me.

How did you get a license?

Whoa!

Can you hit

the kill switch, please?

The fish witch?

The kill switch!

Eh...

On the dash!

The drill hatch on the dish!

Hang on, I can fix this.

Your tail's in my face!

Hey, the view's no prettier

down here, pal!

There's a wall!

Oh, boy.

Yes!

Whoa!

Phew!

That was a close one, huh?

I want a refund!

Yeah, that is going to

show up on my midyear review.

You seem especially

brooding today, Victor.

Come! I have just the thing

to brighten your day!

Our next target!

Look at these waterfalls,

the fjords,

the rolling hills

of Corvoxian snodgrass!

This is exactly what I need.

But, sir, that entire region

is heavily patrolled

by the Galactic Rangers!

We will have this planet!

And we will take it

by going on the offensive.

Our forces will strike

at the Galactic Rangers first

and remove them

from the equation altogether.

Wait. Real battle?

Metal hand against hand.

I trust this pleases you?

Of course it pleases me,

but we don't have

any forces!

You let me worry about that.

In two days' time,

the Galactic Rangers

will be destroyed

and I'll be able to

complete my masterpiece!

How many times, Ratchet?

How many?

Come on, he's fine!

He landed in a pile of ivy.

Poison ivy.

Look,

you're a great mechanic,

you got a lot of heart,

but you're careless.

"Careless,"

it's such an ugly word.

I prefer "carefree."

Too soon?

Yeah, it was too soon.

I know things

haven't been easy for you,

but you can't keep

acting out like this

when I have a shop to run.

What's with you lately?

I just feel like

I'm supposed to do more.

I've always dreamt

of being a Galactic Ranger,

doing big things,

like Captain Qwark!

You want an old

mechanic's advice?

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