Rachel Getting Married Page #4

What? You wore a lilac sweater

with a cat face on the front of it

on the cover of Seventeen magazine...

- That was so cute!

... when I was at fat camp.

Yeah, they paid me,

and I was on horse tranquillizer, so...

You look good. Seriously.

Why is Emma the maid of honor?

Why am I not the maid of honor?

Because.

What does that mean?

Because I wasn't entirely sure when

you were coming or if you'd even make it.

What? I wasn't sure

if you'd have time for a fitting...

Bullshit. It's a sari.

You take a bolt of cloth and you wrap it

around yourself a bunch of times.

Jesus Christ, I've been home for a day.

I can't get a straight answer

out of anybody.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Dad offering me food

every two seconds.

You know, Dad offers

Irish hunger strikers food.

No. You know, it's not even about the food.

He has to know exactly where I am

at all times because he's never

resolved his own trust issues.

- That's odd.

- You know what? Shut the f*** up!

- Blow me!

- Okay.

- Leave Dad alone.

- I'd love to. I want to, okay?

He won't let me. I just...

I can feel him watching me all the time.

And Carol, and you guys, too.

Because we have nothing better

to think about.

You know, everyone in the house is

looking at me like I'm a visiting sociopath.

I mean, seriously, what do you expect

me to do, burn the house down?

That was a mattress fire. That was

not even at home. It was at a sleepover.

Okay, you know what? Fine.

F*** you both. You win.

I'm going to get "hazmat" tattooed

across my forehead for you people.

- Will that make you happy?

- God, you're like a harpy!

Okay, is being my maid of honor

that important to you?

Because I didn't think you gave a sh*t.

I'm sorry.

How could you f***ing say that to me?

Jesus. Emma.

Emma, would you be horribly offended

and hurt

if I asked you step down as maid of honor?

For her? What?

Rachel, are you serious?

Is this what you want?

- Okay, fine. Fine.

- Not really.

You can have it. The crown is yours.

First runner-up.

Thank you, Emma, thank you.

- You know what?

- Everything is not about you, Kym.

No, it's not about me.

It's about sisterhood.

You're such a paragon of sisterhood.

Hooray for sisterhood!

You know what? Sisterhood conquers all.

You know, I can really see rehab

has done wonders for you, Kym.

F*** you.

Cousin Joe, on leave, from Iraq.

I almost forgot him!

Come on and say...

- Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel

- Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel

- Sidney, Sidney, Sidney, Sidney

- Sidney, Sidney, Sidney, Sidney

- Rachel, Rachel

- Sidney, Sidney

- Rachel

- Sidney

You know I tapped her on the shoulder.

I was like,

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