Quarter Bin

Genre: Comedy
90 min


(alarm clock beeps)


(alarm clock beeps)

I'm tellin' ya, she

was checkin' me out.

[Woman] I don't

know where you get

your delusions, laser brain.

It's not a

delusion, it's a fact.

She was checking out

the latest issue of Conan.

Oh, and you're tellin'

me she wasn't looking

right in the general

direction of my butt?

Dude, you were kneeling

right next to the comic.

Okay, maybe she was

looking for Conan,

but she changed her mind

when she saw an

actual male nearby.

Dude, you're a

great guy, but...


No, no, no.


That whole you're a

great guy but thing,

nothing good ever comes

after those words.

[Woman] Look, what I

was trying to say was...

Like, you're a great guy,

but I like my guys taller.

You're a great guy,

but I think we should

just be friends.

You're a great guy,

but I don't like you looking

through my window at night.


Hey, there's Kevin.

The one person we know with

a genuinely happy love life

that's even remotely


(Kevin moans)

Apparently if your reality

is a Tim Burton film.

Life is just a simmering

cauldron of misery,

stirred by heartache,

fueled by pain.

Ah, don't hold it in, dude.

Tell us how you really feel.

What's wrong?

Lemme ask you guys this.

What is the worst possible thing

that somebody can find

out about their girlfriend

that can ruin any hopes

and dreams of the future

and leave their lives

in a smoldering heap?

She was your

secret twin sister

who was separated

from you at birth

when you were both

put into foster care

to hide you from your

evil overlord father.

Remember how

yesterday me and Ashley

went to my cousin's wedding?

Well I ran into my

Great-Aunt Irene.

Turns out to be Ashley's

Great-Aunt Irene also.

- You don't mean?

- Yeah.

We're second cousins.

I had no idea,

Ashley had no idea.

And to think, I was gonna

ask her to marry me.

So what, does that

make, like, holidays

difficult or something?


Dude, we can't get married

if we're related like that.

Our kids will end up

havin' 11 fingers,

two heads,

or even become a sports fan.

We broke up last night.

Shades of Luke and Leia.

Dude, that sucks.

This is like

when they found out

that Boomer was a bad guy

in Battlestar Galactica.

Well it's not like she

tried to shoot me or anything.

Okay, bad analogy.

Well, hey, listen,

uh, we're goin'

to Spenser's later tonight.

Why don't you come with?

Spenser's, really?

Nobody ever goes to his parties.

Well yeah, but

he's got all those

great Silver Age

comics we can read.

And all the great Silver

Age toys we can play with.

[Kevin] You guys are the best.

We're like you're

Grey Council,

the ruling body of the Minbari.

Just 'cause he has

hair like a Centauri

doesn't mean you can make

a Babylon 5 reference.

I mean, we're more like his

Rebel Alliance or Jedi Order.

Or we could be crew

mates on his ship.

Yeah, leave it to a Trekkie

to make a nautical reference.

You know I'm not

really a Trekkie.

I'm a Brown Coat.

Man, what are you

even doing here anyway?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I'm letting Todd

run things today.


You put Todd in

charge of the store?

Jackpot, here I come, payday.

Here I come.

Hey, uh, can I help

you with something?

I got some comics for sale.

Oh, okay, yeah, happy to help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Lemme do that.

- Ah, hey, buddy,

I'm a professional at this.

You can be a professional

at handling comics?

Yeah, seriously.

It's a niche field

in Museum Studies.

Actually, a very niche field.

I got my certificate from the

Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

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Noelle Bye


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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Quarter Bin" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 26 Feb. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/quarter_bin_16434>.

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