Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #3

in simple layman's terms

is that his incisors are in

a life-and-death struggle with his bicuspids.

And his canines are horrified,

paralysed with fear,

staring incredulously at his molars.

- I don't even want to talk about his molars.

- That's a horse's mouth, you quack!

Nurse Kiki, more cotton!

- Bad boy!

- He's obviously delirious from the pain.

You poor boy.

What you must be going through.

The guilt. The shame.

Luckily, there's a cure.

A nose job?

Oh, I'm sorry. I moonlight a little on the side.

Your kid needs braces.

- Braces? Oh, no, you don't!

- Cotton!

Look, kid, braces aren't so bad.

All you need them for is a year, two years.

All right, ten, twenty years, the most.

Everybody's had 'em. I mean, look.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger,

the entire cast of Melrose Place.

Heather Locklear,

she used to have teeth out to here.

She was a walking can opener.

She could eat apples through a picket fence.

Now look at her.

She's got a smile almost as sexy as mine.

How soon does he need 'em?

How soon can you pay?

I don't know.

I don't mean to sound cheap,

but how much are they?

Braces, a one-way ticket to Geekville.

But as bad as it looked for me, my dad

had to do something even more humiliating.

Ask his old man for a loan.

It's open.

- What are you doing here?

- I just came by to say hi.

- Hi.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- Boxing's a great way to stay in shape.

- Yeah, but with Conchita?

Your best fighters are Latinos.

You got Chavez, Duran...

- Come on, you flabby old goat, give it to me.

- That's the way I like 'em. Feisty.

- Where's the little demon?

- He's at school.

And, Dad, he's not a demon. Junior loves you.

Yeah. He'd love to see me pushing up daisies.

Be a man. Be a man.

Speaking of Junior,

we had a little bit of a crisis today.

What happened?

Somebody finally drain the lake?

We went to the dentist

and found out he needs braces.

No, no. That's a complete waste of dough.

Have 'em yank all his teeth out.

Braces are expensive, and I was wondering

if maybe I could borrow some money.

- How much?

- $5,000.

Sure. No problem.

- Come on.

- Really?

Yeah. All you got to do is knock me out.

- What?

- You heard me. Give him the gloves.

Dad, I don't want to fight you.

- What's the matter? Afraid you'll lose?

- No.

Take a sock at me. You know you want to.

- No, I don't.

- Sure you do.

- Do it.

- But you won't. I'll tell you why.

Because you're a failure, you got no guts.

That's why your wife dumped you.

That's why you can't get a girlfriend.

That's why other people push you around.

That's why you got that rotten kid.

A rotten kid with rotten teeth.

- He is not rotten. You take that back.

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes