Problem Child

Nice night to be born, huh?

Apparently my birth was not

considered a blessed event.

That's me in the basket

and that's my mother carrying me.

And that's my mother... running away.

Well, this can still work out.

Look at this placel

Oh!

Madam!

Aw... aw... aw...

Who on earth would want to abandon

such a wonderful little baby boy?

# On the day I was born

# The nurses all gathered round

# They gazed in wild wonder

At the joy they had found... #

But I am not dreaming.

One thing I know, and that is that there's

no such thing in the world as a bad boy.

What does he know?

# Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

# B-b-b-b bad

B- b-b-b bad

# B-b-b-b bad... #

What a strange-looking dogl

I'll bet he's hungry.

This looks good.

# B-b-b-b bad

B- b-b-b bad... #

Diver Dan, Diver Danl Surface, surfacel

# I wanna be yours, pretty baby

Yours and yours alone

# I'm here to tell ya, honey

I'm bad to the bone... #

These are my favourite toys.

Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.

That's my dad.

So you want to play rough, huh?

I was just kiddingl

Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl

# Bad to the bone

B- b-b-b bad

# Bad to the bone #

Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl

Help!

Help!

You see? No one really ever accepted me.

Who'd be that caring?

Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?

Listen to this.

It says here that Henry is a strong name.

He's loyal and loving.

Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.

No, come on, think about it.

Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.

"How was school today, Hank?"

"Great, Dad!"

- Let's put a star down next to Henry.

- No, I don't like it.

What about Donald? It says

Donald is wealthy and powerful.

That's the kind of kid I want.

I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.

- He'll be our child.

- It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board.

So, when is your child due?

I'm not really pregnant yet.

We're just planning ahead.

A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

Here at the clinic we pride ourselves

on a 99% success rate.

- Little Henry Healy.

- Donald.

Unfortunately, there is that other 1%.

And you're it.

I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.

- Positive, that's good.

- No, positive is bad.

No, positive is good, negative is bad.

No, negative is good.

You see, you are positively infertile.

You mean we've been doing it

every night for nothing?

Let me explain.

This is your uterus.

That purple thing is your cervix.

These green things are your fallopian tubes

and this...

That's not supposed to happen.

Toss me that.

This yellow thing is your ovary.

Fits right in there like that.

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.

You don't even have a yellow thing

and your green thing is brown.

- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope?

- None whatsoever.

But there are alternatives

to having your own child.

I tried to like it at the orphanage

but then I became interested in photography.

After that, things kind of went downhill.

Eat all of your stew, children.

A growing body needs nutrition.

And discipline.

If it's so nutritious,

how come I don't see you eating it?

- Aw, Junior!

- Junior!

I was never really sure which one I got,

nutrition or discipline.

- What do they put in this stuff?

- Junior, please don't get us in trouble again.

Who are they kidding?

Junior!

What happened to your lunch?

It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!

I can't believe it. For once,

you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!

Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise!

I gotta hear out of that thing!

Ow...!

All right, mister, you know the routine.

Start mopping.

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