Pontypool Page #4

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Oh, sh*t!

Yeah, Grant, it's Gordon calling, uh...

I just wanna throw this idea out there...

about the 9, uh...

the 911...

What if you had another number, that was,

I don't know, like, 912 or something,

that was not for total emergencies,

so if you had to...

get in a gray area...

and, uh... you weren't sure whether

you wanted to call 911, you'd call 912...

I... I... I just have a feeling

it just might catch on.

Some people might,

you know, uh... take it.

Gord, that's a great idea.

You should be running the world.

Pontypool... my Pontypool...

We interrupt

our call-in segment...

to bring you breaking news

out of our area this morning:

Out on Sandy Hook and Wilmont

we have a hostage situation.

Two men are holding

a van load of people at gunpoint.

The van is apparently towing...

a fishing hut.

- Sporadic gunfire has been reported.

- Okay, lose the story, Grant.

We're going to Ken Loney.

We're going to the 'Sunshine Chopper'.

No one knows as yet

what these hostage takers want,

- or whether or not, they even know...

- We know they're drunk,

- the people in the van.

- Grant, it's the end of ice fishing season.

but... this being the end

of ice fishing season...

ice hut removal time...

the chances that everyone

on the ice this morning is drunk,

is a very distinct reality.

Drunk ice fishermen... dare I say:

drunk policemen?

Drunk officers of the law.

Drunk...

Ontario Provintial Police.

It is not yet confirmed

by our sources, of course.

But, police,

possibly drunk,

are reporting that the hostage situtation

has resolved itself.

They have two suspects in custody.

Both unarmed, as it turns out,

and the three people they were

holding have, in fact, fled the scene.

One can only hope,

the Breaking News theme music...

will accompany this story

at some point.

There we go.

Oh, the state of drunkenness

have levelled off...

to acceptable levels

this morning,

as 'Buddy' Bob Roseland and 'Dead Eye'

Derek McCormack, OPP Pontypool Division...

- Wrap it up, Grant!

- have contained the hostage situation.

We'll be back with updates,

as the situation hiccups.

We now go to Ken Loney

in the 'Sunshine Chopper',

for a little perspective

on your morning drive.

Keep an eye out for crazy ladies

in the snow, and remember:

Wherever you're headed,

get there safe!

Come on, you gotta learn to laugh

at yourself sometimes!

The story is not funny.

Derek McCormack

is an alcoholic.

Bob Roseland is an alcoholic.

They're trying to keep their jobs.

Oh...

Derek's my brother-in-law.

Ex... ex-brother-in-law.

Ouch!

- Grant...

- Hm.

Ken Loney is not in a chopper.

What?

The 'Sunshine Chopper'

is Ken's Dodge Dart.

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