Ping Pong Playa

---

Welcome back to

Eye on East Hills

with Jon Howard.

Look, people think

that sports is fair,

you know,

just 'cause it got rules

and stuff.

You know,

but is it fair that,

you know,

Chinese people are short

or, you know, we have fewer

fast-twitch muscles in our legs?

How do you explain

Yao Ming then?

Yao Ming is a statistical

anomaly, all right?

You take a country

of 1.4 billion people,

you're sure to have a few

hundred tall, right?

And out of that few hundred,

you know,

you're bound to have at least

one or two that can play ball.

Statistical anomaly.

Never seen Charlie Chan.

Never forget Vincent Chin.

I'm 'bout to drop

some knowledge on you.

Let the lesson begin.

Now, I'ma teach

this assignment in slang,

brother, change

the whole world to see sh*t

like The Eye

by the Pang brothers.

Asian American

who ain't afraid to say

comparing me

to David Carradine

will get you set ablaze

with kerosene.

I don't call

television racist,

but I do watch The Simpsons

and SpongeBob

just to see

some yellow faces.

I take the yellow haters

down like elevators.

Left hand on your girl.

Right foot

on the accelerator.

You ain't laughing at that.

I'm that new type of Asian.

I'll let you

do the math on that one.

I'ma teach you who's me

'cause I'm the Bruce Lee

of loose-leaf,

the Donnie N. Of rhyming,

and the Jackie Chan

of rapping, man.

Orient Express coming through!

Forget what

you think you know.

I'll teach

your ashes a lesson.

Listen and learn

and don't ask me no questions.

Wake up, kids, and keep

your eyes in my direction.

Welcome

to my Chinese school.

Class is in session.

You're awesome.

You should be in the NBA.

My name's Felix.

Good for you.

Hey, hook me up

with some of that, man.

Shot was off.

The big guy made a bunch

of lucky shots anyway.

W- w-wait, hold up, dog.

Hey, you want

to run that back?

Ball.

What you gonna do?

What you gonna do?

Come on,

what you gonna do?

Come on.

Come on.

You ain't got it.

You ain't got nothing.

Ah, get some!

Ah, stuffed like a turkey!

Booyah!

I don't think so.

Go play piano!

Access denied!

Ah, access denied!

Come on,

you want some of this?

Yeah, get him!

Where you going?

Where you going?

Where you going?

That's where you're going.

Who's lucky now, huh?

What you looking at?

Aw, yeah.

Yeah, you better step off.

Hey, this is my neighborhood.

Who's the master?

You are.

And what's my name?

Chris?

Call me C-Dub.

And what time is it?

3:
35.

Dog, dog, when I ask you

what time it is,

you're supposed to say

"game time," all right?

Wait, wait,

what time is it?

Game time.

No, no, no, on the reals, man.

What time is it?

3:
35.

Mother...

All right, man,

I'm sorry I'm late, man.

There was this big-ass accident

on the 405, man.

This mofo was speeding,

picking his nose, man.

His ass ran, pow, right into

the back of a chicken truck.

Man, I saw blood.

There was glass, blood,

feathers, everywhere, man.

I'm telling you, J.P.,

you should've seen

this wang ba dan, man.

He might as well have been down

on his hands and knees.

He was begging me to stay.

I swear on the grace

of 18 generations

of my ancestors, man.

I ain't gonna be

late again.

All right, you can't get

a better guarantee than that

from a Chinese brother.

You know what

you had to do, right?

Don't playa-hate.

Negotiate.

For sure, so check it.

This fool starts talking fast

about bonuses, vacation days.

Man, he tried

to straight-up bribe me.

I'll give you my autographed

Michael Jordan jersey, man.

You know how much

that's worth?

Really?

All right, maybe I ain't

going to give you that,

but, hey, I'll give you

my Larry Johnson jersey.

Who?

You know, UNLV, Charlotte

Hornets, Grandma-ma.

Come on, man.

I'll wash your car, man.

Right, r-r-r-right.

So you had to show him

who was the real

lao fan, huh?

Oh, man, you know it, baby.

Set the record straight.

We ain't building railroads

for free no more, you hear?

Hey, man, how you

going to reach out

to your Asian customers, man?

Hey, they feel me,

feel me, man?

There's like 2 million of us

in L.A., man.

How you going

to communicate with them?

Wilson?

I was thinking, man.

Can't be wasting all my time

working for the man.

Right.

You know that comic book

I was working on,

the one with the gun-toting,

crime-fighting pandas?

That's where I need

to devote more of my time.

Yeah, and don't forget

about our T-shirt company.

That's what I'm saying, man.

And then

there's the casino.

Aw, can't forget

the crown jewel.

Cha-Ching Dynasty.

Booyah.

Hey.

Make money, money,

make money, money, make.

You know what

the Donald says?

Ah, wait,

you can't fire me, dog.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, 'cause I quit.

Hm.

Oh, you're too polite.

I'm just a lousy player.

Not everybody can play

like that guy.

Hey, Pa, I fixed your modem.

You should really think

about going wireless, though.

It's a lot faster.

Hey, Michael,

you remember Mr. Lin?

Oh, of course.

Tournament's coming up.

You training hard?

Not that you need to.

You could probably win

blindfolded.

I'm just very lucky.

I definitely

should practice more.

Oh, I don't see how

you could find the time.

I got a nephew

in residency at General.

They're killing him

over there.

Well, my hospital's

definitely going to kill me

if I don't get back

right now,

so... good to see you.

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