Phffft Page #3

The men of the public relations command.

The men of the legal staff.

There's even one guy on the third floor

who was actually on a ship once.

Yeah.

But we haven't got any heroes.

See? So, I was thinking, Bobby.

I was thinking,

maybe I could introduce her to you.

- Me?

- Sure. It's very simple.

You tell her a few war stories

and take her out to dinner.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

Bobby?

I don't like to do this to you.

But I'm forced to remind you

that I am in command here.

Lieutenant Tracey, I order you to be a hero.

Why, I could never get away with it, Charlie.

- What would I say to her?

- Well...

- Come.

- Now, hey, Charlie.

- Lieutenant Nelson?

- Aye, aye.

I'm Nina Chapman from NBC.

Well, it's a pleasure, Miss Chapman.

I have somebody here I want you to meet.

Lieutenant Robert Tracey.

He's here on secret business for the admiral.

Lieutenant Tracey,

this is Miss Chapman from NBC.

- How do you do?

- A pleasure, Lieutenant.

I think he's just what you want, ma'am...

...a man who has ridden into the jaws of death

and out again.

Charlie, please.

Miss Chapman, the face may be young,

but the eyes, the eyes are old.

Okay, kids, you're on your own.

I have to be running along.

Excuse me. Charlie, now please, will you...

Just sit down, please.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Lieutenant?

- May I ask you a personal question?

- I guess so.

How long has it been

since you've seen a woman?

About 20 minutes.

Look, Miss Chapman, I'd better warn you.

Charlie:
Lieutenant Nelson there.

...has a rather vivid imagination,

and sometimes he tends to exaggerate.

Would it be too painful for you

to talk a little about...

What, this? Well, it's so ridiculous,

I'm ashamed to talk about it.

Ashamed? You should be proud!

Proud of what Stephen Crane called

your "red badge of courage. "

I got my finger caught

in an adding machine.

It's about time I got rid of this thing anyway.

You see, they have so few wounded

here at 90 Church Street...

...the doctors sometimes lose their heads.

I regret to inform you, Miss Chapman...

I spent the entire war

right here in this office, you see.

And right now, I'm helping the admiral

prepare his income tax return.

Well, look,

I'm just a lawyer on the admiral's staff.

I applied for sea duty three times

and I was turned down.

I just happen to be very good at contracts,

that's all.

I did manage:
Pardon me.

I did manage to save the Navy $750,000

in the past three years.

which is, in its own way, a very

valuable contribution to the war effort.

$750,000?

Yes, it just doesn't happen

to seem very heroic, that's all.

I think that's very heroic. And remarkable.

- You do?

- Yes. Take me, for instance.

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