Paul Blart: Mall Cop

---

Let's go!

Move it!

50 more yards!

All right, let's go! Pick it up!

- Let's go!

- Yes, sir!

You're running out of time, Bryant!

Make it all the way around the track!

Come on!

You want to be troopers?

You better move it!

All right, next, get up here!

Let's hit it now.

Dean, come on!

All right.

You've all completed the written exam.

However, you must now pass

the obstacle course

to be admitted into the training program.

And remember, survive this,

and you're on the front lines

of keeping New Jersey safe.

Yeah.

Sorry about the test, Dad.

We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

Mine is named hypoglycemia.

Well, that's why you always have to have

sugar nearby.

Are you gonna have pie?

Not tonight, Ma.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.

You...

No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.

- Okay.

- You said it,

and I just kind of got that

stuck in my head now,

and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.

It really helps heal.

And, you know, not always, but sometimes,

you gotta do like the kids say,

and just say, "Whatever."

Kids don't talk like that.

Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?

I hear them in the mall. You know?

Peanut butter.

It just fills the cracks of the heart.

Go away, pain.

- What?

- Paulie.

Oh, no. Come on, Ma.

I'm not ready for this right now.

- Dad.

- Please.

We just don't want to see you go through

another holiday alone.

But I'm not alone.

I've got you two. You know?

And besides, Black Friday's coming,

so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.

What?

It's the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah, I should have known better

than to try to explain it to civilians.

I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler,

hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."

"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me

Black Friday's coming.

"Why do you think

I've been walking around here

"with the eyes of an eagle?"

- We prepare.

- Dad, what does all that have to do

with being happy for the rest of your life?

You said, and I quote,

"If I don't have a girlfriend by November,

"I'll let you sign me up

for perfectmatch.com."

That was last year.

Okay.

- Here we are.

- Okay.

"What are you looking for in a woman?"

Well, your mother certainly

had something special.

Yeah, illegal immigrant status.

She married you, got citizenship,

and then she left us.

That's not entirely true.

We did have some good times

back when she was still trying to trick me.

- Well, I hate her.

- Well, you shouldn't.

She gave me you.

- I am pretty great.

- You are. You are.

Okay, next question.

"Tell us about yourself."

Let's see.

I know a lot about sharks.

Let me stop you right there.

Well-built and a great hugger.

Awesome, Grandma.

Not as awesome as this.

What are you doing?

Beefing up your profile with that

nifty video that you made a few years back.

Ma, no.

I don't know. Don't you think

it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?

Well, that is exactly what we want.

Eyes on the prize.

And don't worry,

I will edit out the sweaty parts.

Dear God!

Hey! Back away from the vehicle.

Oh, dear God. Please.

Chompers, get down!

Hey, you know where a men's room is?

I do.

You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.

They got 12 stalls and heated seats.

Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!

Rate this script:(5.00 / 2 votes)