Panto! Page #2

OK. Just sing.

I made it through the wilderness

Somehow I made it through

Didn't know how lost I was

Until I found you

I was beat

Incomplete

I've been had

I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

"# Like a virgin"

"# Touched for the very first time"

"# Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin"

Hello? You know you're...

Just getting my tail on. We're

on a tight...

Oh, sh*t.

Everyone! Everyone, stay close.

We should be able

to get back in v. shortly.

Listen...

We have to do something

about Like A Virgin.

I know. The staging is awful.

No, I mean-

It's all right. I've got an idea.

After the show tonight, do you

want to go and get some fajitas.

OMG. I adore fajitas.

We've got so much in common, babes.

- What's your favourite filling?

- Lewis!

Lewis.

You were supposed to be at ours

two hours ago. Since when?

Since we made the arrangements

back in October. October?

Me and Tony are going

to Puerto Banus for Christmas.

We won a competition

for writing that jingle

about the toilet cleaner.

You want your loo

to be really spesh?

Try a little squirt

with Toilet Fresh.

Good him, isn't he?

Bet your Valentine's cards are ace.

Which means you're having our Paul

for a week. Or had you forgotten?

Of course I hadn't.

All right, mate. Are you sure

you'll be all right with him?

You'll be busy in the evenings.

You can sit in the dressing room.

You OK with that?

All right, babe?

Stay away from her.

I'm not really a serial killer.

That was a part.

Now, behave yourself. He'll be fine.

I wasn't talking to him.

See ya.

You hadn't forgotten, had you, Dad?

Behave.

Have you seen Chesney Hawkes?

No, babe.

OK. I can do this.

I'm a pro.

Er! Argh! Aarrgghh!

What do you think of my costume?

You look like a knobhead.

Ta. It's all part

of being in a panto.

You're all knobs.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Show some respect. I'm your dad

and this is a serious place of work.

All right, Greg. This is our Paul.

All right?

All right.

You off to do your scenes?

Yeah! Ugh!

Look at that. You see that?

I'm a bloody artist.

How am I supposed to work

with substandard costumes?!

Come on.

Da-dah! How good is this?

Meet pop sensation and all-round

nice guy Chesney Hawkes.

Ches, this is our Paul.

All right? What happened to you?

Just a little slip. Chesney had the

20th most-bought song in the whole

of the 1990s. Oh, nice one.

Do you sing on the show?

He does, once or twice.

Four times.

I do write other stuff as well.

You should get my dad

to play it on his radio show.

Er... Yeah... Well, er...

"Act-one beginners,

come to stage, please."

Hear that? That means

rehearsals are about to begin.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes