Ordinary Decent Criminal

Synopsis: Michael Lynch is Dublin's most notorious criminal, his brazen robberies making him the bane of the Gardaí and a hero to his fellow working class city Northsiders. When not playing happy families with his two wives - sisters Christine and Lisa - and his children, Lynch is busy plotting elaborate heists, thinking as much about the showmanship of it all as he is the loot involved. On his case is Garda Noel Quigley, his determination to convict Lynch slowly turning into an obsession. Inevitably, a showdown looms.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Thaddeus O'Sullivan
Production: Miramax
Rotten Tomatoes:
93 min


Lovely morning.

- Not bad

Banks never on time, are they?

No, no, they're desperate.


Desperate altogether.

Try another branch.


Like to make a withdrawal, please.

Harrison will defend

the bail application,

maybe even take the trial.

But he insists on

two thousand pounds in cash.

For a morning's work?

Up front.

As in now, before we go in.

I see, he doesn't trust me.

Here he is now,

Michael, he's worth it.


- Morning

It's nearly time.

Are we in funds?


Oh, the cash.

Just been to the bank.

No... not here, Mr. Lynch.

And you will be taking that off

in court, won't you?

The prosecution's claim that

they fear my client

might leave this country

while on bail,

is completely and totally

without foundation.

Especially when Mr. Lynch's

lovely little daughter, Breda

is having her

first Holy Communion soon

and it would be tragic

if her father were not

to be with her on that day.

So, Your Honour,

the State can find no course

in law or in justice

why this clean-living unassuming --

teetotaler should have

his bail rescinded.

Mr. Lynch may remain on bail

until his trial commences

two weeks on Monday.

Mr. Lynch, how does it feel to be

the most wanted man in Ireland?

Do you think

you'll get a fair trial?

Mr. Lynch, you enjoy making

the Gardai look thick, don't you?

Hold... a minute, lads...

don't ever think the Gardas

are thick, you'd be wrong.

It'd be a big mistake.

The Gardas are anything but thick.

In fact, I think the Gardas are

very, very clever.

Is your name Michael Patrick Lynch?

You see, right there,

an example of brains. You see?

Excuse me, I am Mr. Lynch's attorney

and I object very much...

I'm detaining you on suspicion of

possessing illegal substances,

under the Misuse of Drugs Act.

I know what you want to do.

You want to strip search me,

don't you?

Please, let go of him.

This man is my client.

Oh, I see, you think

you'll humble me, do you?

Oh, no...! Look at them!

Look at what I have to put up with!

Look at what they do

to innocent people.

Trying to grab a feel.

Trying to grab me balls, you queer.

You dirty perverts,

trying to get your rocks off.

Drugs? What drugs?

I've never done drugs in me life

and everyone knows it.

Show them your credentials, Mike.

Find the drugs.

Give us a look, get them off.

Find the drugs. Come on,

put your f***ing hand up my hole,

you poofters.

Come on.

Show 'em your credentials, Michael.

Hey, you f***ing faggots.

What are you afraid of?

You do it in private,

but not here, you f***ers.

Do you want any more, love?

I'm grand unless there's dessert?

Of course there is.

Is that you in the newspaper da?

Oh, can I finish that?

Yeah, waste not, want not. Thanks.

Oh, God, Michael, give it to me.

Give it to me.

You know the way

all that red meat makes him hyper.

Sorry, sorry wasn't thinking.

Your father first.

Who earns the money in this house?

Da does.

They're all grand.

There's enough for everyone.

They have to learn.

you just better go to bed

when you're told tonight.

Okay, mum.

Have you got Lynch with you, lads?

Check. We have him in our sights.

Clothes on or off today?

F*** off.

She's great.

Say hello to your da.

Go on. Found him.

Is that them, huh?

Is that the two sisters?

Oh, that's them all right, boy.

Bet he was glad he didn't have to

choose between them, huh?

Why choose

when you can have both, boy?

Mind your mothers now.

Do what they tell you.

See you tonight.

See you.

I'll call round later,

collect the kids, yeah?

Hey, Tommy, get off the bleeding

bike, come on.

Oh, come on, can I stay on?

You know I can't take you

without a helmet.

Please Auntie Lisa...

Come on, just one go.

Come on then,

say goodbye to your da.

Bye, da.

Wave him goodbye.

Look at daddy

going round and round.

Say goodbye.

Jesus, there's no way he can

shake us off, not out here anyway.

So what's the point?

Jesus. We're running very low

on petrol, Barry.

Control where's

the nearest service station?

Con's very worried about

the petrol situation.

He's getting out.

Okay, lads,

I'll be right back to you.

We're off.

Right, lads,

the nearest petrol station's

a good ten miles away, maybe more.

Oh, Jesus.

North east of the Bray Road.

Turn left for Bray.

There's an Esso on the left,

about three miles outside the town.

Keep in touch.

I don't believe this.

Ah for f***, I told you

stop for petrol, didn't I?

But, no, you said,

''We're fine, Con''.

Look at him.

Sure, give him a wave, you wander.

Where would you be

without the social welfare, huh?

I couldn't agree more, Michael.

A vital few bob.

Tony Brady.

It's the difference between eating

and not eating sometimes.

You said it, Tony. Good luck.


Michael Lynch.

And how are you today?

Fine thanks.

There you go.

You're a gentleman

do you know that?

Thank you.

It's fellas like you

make the world go around.

Right, we've caught up with Lynch.

Told you he wouldn't miss out

on collecting his precious dole.

Well, don't lose him this time.

Oh, don't worry,

we're up his hole, Control.

And we've a full tank

Mr. Lynch won't be getting away

from us again today.

Right, lads, keep in touch.

I'll say one thing for him,

he sticks to the speed limit.

Don't f*** about.

Yeah, no problem, Michael.

You're a mess, little brother.

Relax, we're just passing through!

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Gerard Stembridge

Gerard "Gerry" Stembridge (b. 1958, County Limerick, Ireland) is an Irish writer, director and actor. He was educated at CBS Sexton Street in Limerick. While attending University College Dublin, he was auditor of the Literary and Historical Society. He taught English and drama at Mount Temple Comprehensive School in Clontarf. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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