Opinions

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Graham Chapman is a doctor and writer.

His parents hoped for a serious

jewish heterosexual son.

They were disappointed.

Tonight on Opinions he argues

that we should all stop worrying

about what the

neighbours will say.

A chat about what will the

neighbours say could become

a dissertation, a pompous

word, on peer pressure,

which is both glib, and pompous.

To help me stop this, a little box

in the bottom left of your screen

will show the number of times

the phrase peer pressure is used.

An important ethical, or sociological

statement of global significance

will be indicated by a

letter of the alphabet

in the bottom right hand

corner of the screen.

Now that we've established

these guidelines,

I hope you'll all sit back and

really enjoy this stunning chat.

Incidentally, towards the end, there

will be quite a lot of filthy talk.

Stories about sex, smutty

revelations about big names,

and what they get up to

between the sheets.

Yes, the low down on the high

life of the high fliers,

rock, superstars, film,

mega, and giga stars.

And not just towards the end either.

Then there will be some quite

lavatorial bits in a few minutes.

There. Well, what will

the neighbours say?

Now, as the son of a country copper,

a parish PC, an urban district d*ckhead,

I was made aware of this

phrase at a very early age.

If any of my family were

the subject of gossip

that would put the mockers on

dad's promotional prospects.

Perhaps it was being so aware of

this that made me ignore it totally.

I looked at my neighbours, and didn't

care what they thought, if they did.

Scandalising and mocking

nice decent ordinary folk

became the mission

of a lifetime.

Now, one thing that neighbours

say almost universally,

is that everyone should settle down,

and get married, and have a family.

What a load of donkey do's!

Why in grantham should

anyone commit themself

to a path of such

mindstunting mediocrity?

It's not as if the one thing the world

really needs is more children.

There's nothing clever or difficult

about the act of procreation.

There are four and a half

thousand million of us

on this crowded blue

planet already.

And this will rise to twelve thousand

million in forty years time,

if people continue to settle down,

get married, and have families.

Think of that. Three times

more people then there are now.

Try and find a job then,

you family lovers.

Think of that you in the rush hour, or

while you're on a crowded beach in Ibiza.

Now I know my voice gets louder and

rises in pitch as I warm to my theme,

but I'll try and change that.

Of course, the population of this

country will not rise as quickly

as that of the less

educated part of the world.

But then, we're overpopulated

already, you dumb clucks!

I'm sorry.

Halve the population of Britain,

and there might be hope of

it being self sufficient.

With those who want to work

in interesting jobs working,

and those who don't, just reading

books and playing snooker.

Recreating, but not

reproducing ourselves,

while robots, quite rightly, do all

the messy, boring, and dangerous jobs

we would have such fun

creating them to do,

like mucking out the anaconda.

I mean, swell me, two thirds

of the world is starving now,

Our limited natural resources

are rapidly being used up.

Oil, minerals, forestry, entire

species of animals wiped out

by humanity's unthinking expansion.

Think of this.

And think how, in the name of god,

if there is such an entity,

can people adopt an

attitude of high morality

when advising you to get

married and have a family.

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