One Percent More Humid Page #5

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I've been feeling better lately.

Hi.

Oh, you're so hard.

You know, that's just

like a throwaway line,

but when you say it, I

know why it's a classic.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh!

Babe, wait! You're

gonna make me come. F***!

Jesus.

That's another classic.

- Shh, shh.

- I won't shh.

Are you like this with all the boys?

I was a virgin.

Yeah, I can tell.

I'm actually not like this at all.

- This way.

- Wait.

- What?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop.

What? What is that?

Oh, please with the grabbing.

I thought you said you're

not doing it anymore.

I'm not.

- No, I'm not.

- Guys!

- To the pond.

- Yes.

- It's gonna be beautiful!

- I know...

Mmm, you have man hands.

- That's what I ordered.

- Hmm.

Hey, you want to meet my dad?

I'm having lunch with

him on campus tomorrow.

I thought I could bring him by.

"Father, you remember how I told you

"that I'm not a little girl anymore?"

He's a nice guy.

I'm not your boyfriend.

A, it's been two weeks.

B, I'm not your boyfriend.

C, I'm a dirty, old man.

And,

D, my wife's coming up.

She's gonna be here all weekend.

She comes up every weekend.

Except the last three because of work.

Fun.

It's gonna be fun for all of us.

Just a minute!

Iris.

I'm so f***ed!

There's this tool from Brown who's

had my book from interlibrary loan

for three weeks.

I think he's dead in his thesis carrel,

the book under his decaying

ass, and I'll never get it back.

Glad to see you.

As heard.

Gerald's wife is coming up this weekend.

I'm an a**hole.

You're an a**hole.

It's only been, like, two weeks, but still.

How long has he been married?

We don't talk about it.

It's not funny, Catherine.

Let's just smoke weed all weekend.

Okay. Do you have any?

No, but I'm sure Jack does.

I haven't spoken to him in, like, a week.

Been staying at Professor FuckBuddy's.

You look really skinny.

Like, coke-skinny or meth?

Those are my two choices?

Boo!

Just get me some weed.

I need to get my grub on.

Why don't you just come in? It's gorgeous!

No, I can't swim in this.

F*** if I care. Take it off.

Do you care what I've been up to at all

while you've been sleeping

with Professor Von Slurpy?

Yeah. What?

Professional escort work.

I had a G-spot orgasm from being on top.

Nice.

Did you pee?

Just now?

No. When you came, hello?

You know, sometimes

women, when they ejaculate,

they think it's urine, but it's really not.

It's just love potion.

I don't know.

I mean, I get, like, really wet,

but it's not like a burst or anything.

Oh, my God, you're, like, all sexed up.

- It's insane. It's like you're possessed.

- Hmm.

Possessed by Mae.

One of us has gotta be the slut, right?

Well, you're in lurve, so

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