On the Beat

Synopsis: Norman wants to be a policeman like his father was, but he fails the height test (amongst others). One day he gets out his father's old uniform and "walks the beat". This leads to a level of chaos that only Norman could cause.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Robert Asher
Production: VCI Entertainment
106 min

(Police car bell clanging)

(Machine-gun fire)


- How many, lnspector?

- Four at least, Superintendent.

- lncluding Trigger O'Flynn.

- Right. Give me the loudhailer, will you?

All right, O'Flynn.

l'll give you just 15 seconds to come out.

Now, you know me.


- Two.

- lt's Pitkin. What do we do, Trigger?

l'll handle this one personal.

Seven... Eight...






You're being silly, O'Flynn.

This is it.

Fifteen. All right, O'Flynn,

l'm coming to get you.

Take a gun, sir.

(Machine-gun fire)

Trigger O'Flynn!

Trigger O'Flynn!

Come out, wherever you are.

l'm coming up for you.

Try this side...lnspector!

Over here, Commissioner.

All right, O'Flynn, the game's up.

Now drop that.

- Come any nearer, l'll kill you.

- Kill me?

l am Pitkin of the Yard.

Not for long, you're not.

Start saying your prayers.

Oh, Mr Pitkin.

Wake up, Mr Pitkin. Wake up!

What is it? Wake up, Mr Pitkin.

Your morning tea, Mr Pitkin.

Oh, thank you, Mrs Stammers.

Nasty dream you had.

l used to have them once.

l suppose Pitkin will be off early

to Scotland Yard to solve this lot.

No need to be sarcastic, Mr Bassett.

You try solving crimes

instead of sitting about.

Do you know who done this Soho job?

l am not at liberty to disclose

police business to strangers.

- Huh!

- Don't let your tea get cold, dear.

Don't worry, Dad. You'll be proud of me.

l shall be head of Scotland Yard yet!

- Got the cigarettes, darling?

- ln my handbag.

l shall have to ask you

to come along a-me.

What's the idea?

Anything you say will be taken down

and used in evidence against you.

- Get this off. What are you on about?

- l saw you put your hand in her bag.

That happens to be my wife's bag.

- Pardon?

- This lady is my wife, and that's her bag.

Oh. Sorry. l mean, well, l didn't know.

- Unlock it. Get it off.

- Um... Can't.

- Why not?

- l haven't got the keys.

- You haven't...!

- And l've got to get off here.

- l'm not getting off here.

- You are. l mustn't be late at the Yard.

Come on!

Mind the doors.

l know, darling.

The train's going now.

The train's...going...!

lt's moving! Me hand!

The wall! The wall! Aargh! The wall!

Well, Elsie, do something!

Yes, come on!

Go on, Elsie. Harder!

Hurry up, Elsie.

(Whimpering) Oh, no, don't do that!

No, don't do that.

That's all that's holding me!

A file's no good.

You want a hacksaw for that.



Come on.

Oh! A station! A station!

Oh. Oh...l mustn't be late at the Yard.

- Morning, Sergeant.

- Morning.

- Good morning, Mr Bollington.

- Good morning.

Pitkin, l'd like you to take over

the Flying Squad today.

Very well, sir.

- Pitkin!

- Yes, Mr Bollington?

The Flying Squad like their cars spotless.

Yes, Mr Bollington.

- And Pitkin...

- Yes, Mr Bollington?

Make sure the wireless aerials are clean.

Yes, Mr Bollington.

Oh, Mr Bollington!

Oh, l've got one 'ere!

They've got to have clean aerials, so...

so they don't get

any dirty messages! Ain't they!

What about that?

- Pitkin!

- Yes, Mr Bollington?

We don't want any humorous quips.

- Yes, Mr Bollington.

- Well, get on with it, then.

Oh, boll...ingtons!

Do you mean you can take no action

about this appalling list of crimes?

They all point to one man

but we can't pin anything on him.

There are one or two pieces missing

from the jigsaw.


Yes? Oh, yes, of course.

- lt's for you, sir.

- Not now, l'm in conference.

lt's the Home Secretary, sir.

Commissioner speaking.

- 'l'm tired of this nonsense!'

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Quite so. There are still one or two

pieces missing from the jigsaw.

- (Ranting continues, indistinct)

- We'll do everything we can.

The Home Secretary

is now getting impatient.

We can't make an arrest

without sufficient evidence, sir.

This man, who is he?

He's a ladies' hairdresser, sir.

We think he's using his salon as a cover.

His name is Giulio Napolitani.

- Sounds ltalian.

- Yes, sir.

- Are you watching his establishment?

- Yes, sir.

Sergeant Wilkins will be making contact

with him any moment now.

Yes, madam?

My name is Wilkins.

l have an appointment.

- Lucinda Wilkins?

- Yes.

Come this way, madam.

- Would you mind waiting a moment?

- No, not at all.


Will you come this way, please?

You seem very busy. l hope l shall get

Signor Giulio's personal attention.

Don't worry, madam, Signor Giulio

can deal with six heads at a time.

So l see.


What is this sort of person

doing in my salon?

l cannot make her beautiful.

Madonna! Ma cosa posso fare io?

Ah! Lady Hinchingford!

Giulio, darling, could l have

a teeny weeny little fringe?

What do you want a fringe for?

You have the lovely face.

Fringes are for the ladies with the longer

face, not the sweet face like this one.

Some faces, like this one,

should have the fringe down here!

Don't worry. Oberon prepare.

Giulio, he create.

What l do with this?

You may proceed as you think fit, Giulio.

For you, l create a sweep here,

a sweep there, bellissimo!

Siete la pi brutta donna che ho mai

visto in vita mia.

Ah, now, naughty, naughty!

Translation, please.

Sorry. lt mean you are beautiful.

Oh, flatterer.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Look for yourself!

Well, l do see what you mean.

Perhaps beautiful

isn't quite the right word.

Perhaps not. But Giulio, he is a genius.

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Jack Davies

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "On the Beat" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 24 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/on_the_beat_15191>.

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