Office Uprising

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1

For a hundred years,

one company has worked

with unparalleled vision

toward the continued

safety of our great nation:

Ammotech.

First, we changed the game

with the chain-fed machine gun,

- as well as Claymore landmines.

- (man screams)

Next we taught those Krauts

about another great American pastime:

the barbecue.

Ammotech.

The world's leading innovator

of weapons of mass protection.

Yes y'all yes, yes y'all

Start the party celebrate

I'm sick of nonsense

I wanna elevate

From a familiar feeling...

(horns honking)

I'm coming to the end of the line

Check my watch,

man, is it about time?

I need to move,

y'all, unrestrained

Come alive, I'm on the chain

(on car stereo) Do you

really wanna break...

Put your hands in the air

let me hear you say...

Clarence! Hey, listen, I'm super late

and can't find my gate pass anywhere.

I was hoping you could

just do me a favor and...

- I gotta have that pass.

- Yeah. Of course.

(whispering) Gate pass.

Gate pass. Gate pass.

Yeah, I got it. I got it. Uh...

The thing is, Clarence, I'm a

little disorganized this morning.

- I see, and

- and it's heartbreaking.

I got you a card on

your birthday, remember?

It had a cupcake running away

from a shitload of candles.

- Look, no pass, no entry. At least without TW

- 100 clearance form.

Dude, don't make me fill

out that one giant form...

- (banging on car door)

- No access to the premises without valid ID.

- Prohibited.

- Thanks, Clarence.

Next birthday, no card.

(snoring)

- (alarm blaring)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh. Hey. Brimble. Accounting.

- Accounting.

- Yeah. I know.

Okay. Thanks, Tony.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

- (elevator chimes)

- Woman (automated): Door is open.

- Dezzy Des.

- Sammy Sam.

Once again fighting a

losing battle with Mondays.

Once again busting my balls.

Well, somebody has to do it. You

haven't been on time for anything since...

(inhales sharply)

- ...ever

- Not true.

2012. NYU. Totally on time

for your graduation ceremony.

After you went out the

night before and got so drunk

that you puked during my speech.

Don't take that as a criticism.

It was a brilliant speech.

Ever think that maybe my problem here

is that I'm just not being

properly incentivized?

Of course you are. You get

to hang out with me every day.

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

So you can at least try to be on time.

- (elevator bell dings)

- Uh, thanks.

My gift to you.

Helen, I'll need to remain undisturbed

throughout my meetings today.

Also, excellently tidy workspace.

Love the lipstick.

I'll take my green juice in five minutes.

(ringing)

- Hello?

- Man (on phone): Good morning, Desmond.

Step into my office, please.

Sure thing, Mr. Nusbaum.

Helen, hi. No, no, no. Please don't get up.

Don't get up. Don't get... Oh.

Really, I could get the door myself if...

(sighs)

You know, it's really not the

assistant's job to do that.

Anymore.

That's very kind of you, and thank you.

Thanks for walking me.

That was great. Thank you.

- Morning.

- You're late.

Uh, yeah. I ran into some

trouble at the guard gate and...

Yes, I've noticed that tardiness is

a recurring motif in your life,

- but actually I don't care.

- Hmm.

I've called you in here

regarding the merger.

- Merger?

- Yes.

Merger, as in to merge,

connect, conjoin, couple or harness.

- Who are we merger

- ing with?

- Altria.

- The cluster bomb guys.

No, that would be Benevolencia.

Altria makes the VX gas,

weaponized anthrax, and of course...

the all-terrain jet ski.

Boy, they've had a great year.

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