November Criminals

1

ADDISON:
My mother died

six months ago today.

At the hospital, they told

us she'd had an aneurysm.

There was nothing

I could do for her.

I guess I've gotten pretty

good at pretending to be okay.

(SIRENS BLARING)

PHOEBE:
I don't think this

stupid thing is even working.

ADDISON:
You turn it on?

PHOEBE:
Of course I turned it on.

ADDISON:
Did you take

the lens cap off?

PHOEBE:
Yeah, that

probably would help.

ADDISON:
Okay, Phoebe,

can you just...

PHOEBE:
Okay.

ADDISON:
Ready?

PHOEBE:
Rolling, and action.

Video Diary, day 18.

Now, today is an

extremely important day.

Why?

Because here is my application

to the University of Chicago,

where I'm hoping to study

Classics in the fall.

Have you ever heard of the Internet?

I know nowadays you can

submit this stuff online,

but personally, I prefer

the more traditional route.

As you can see, this

envelope is seriously thick.

Why is that?

Well, question seven on

the application asks you

to tell them what your best

and worst qualities are,

but they only give you

three-and-a-half inches.

Addy, watch the road.

Three-and-a-half

inches on a page.

I'm sorry, but my worst

qualities took up a lot more

than three-and-a-half

inches.

So I decided to throw

in a few extra pages.

How many?

- Twenty-two to be exact.

- Wow!

- I realize that might seem a bit excessive.

- It does.

However, how are you expected

to express the very

essence of your being

and your views on how

insanely crazy this world is

in such a tiny space on a page?

- I mean, it's absurd.

- Okay, Addy, shut up already.

PHOEBE:
There's a

mailbox right there.

ADDISON:
Great.

Phoebe? Can you please film this?

- (CHUCKLES)

- ADDISON:
You're on me, right?

Right.

And now the moment we've

all been waiting for.

I know it's a moment you're

very excited about, Phoebe.

You're very excited

about this, aren't you?

I'm excited to get some coffee.

Just put it in the box already.

Okay, give me the camera.

Oh, Jesus, he's still not done.

- Do it.

- (SIGHS)

- (HORN HONKING)

- MAN:
Hey! Move it!

You know what?

No. I'm not too worried

about the extra pages

because wasn't it Virgil who said,

"Fortune sides with him who dares"?

Or perhaps even more apropos are

the immortal words of David Bowie,

"I don't know where

I'm going from here,

"but I promise it won't be boring."

PHOEBE:
They're never going to

read 22 extra pages, Addison.

ADDISON:
Well, for those of us who

didn't get into Yale early, Phoebe,

we have to put in a little extra effort.

Two medium Americanos.

What's your name?

Add... Screw you, Brandon.

Are you seriously with this guy?

Do you seriously imagine I

give a sh*t what you think?

Yeah, but the whole school

thinks you lost your mind, so...

- Hey, Kevin, two medium Americanos.

- Got it.

- Are you going to pay for that?

- Nope.

Two medium Americanos for

Addison coming right up.

- What's going on, brother?

- How you doing, man?

- Good to see you, man.

- Good to see you.

- Did you read it, yet?

- Oh!

What? Dude, how are you so fast?

I don't understand. What did you think?

We'll talk about it after

you've read the James Baldwin.

Come on, man. I'm not as fast as you.

Oh... Have you guys

had your first kiss yet?

ADDISON:
No, I'm waiting.

- Of course you would.

- ADDISON:
You should've seen this guy

in philosophy class the other day,

he nailed Miss Keneally to

the wall. It was incredible.

- Why?

- Because she was giving a stupid lecture

about why students cut class.

And he said, "You're the

reason why students cut class."

- PHOEBE:
Kevin.

- No. I said,

"People like Miss Keneally

are the reason kids cut class."

I was joking obviously.

He wasn't joking. It was incredible.

No, she is what's wrong

with the education system.

- Dude, I got to work. Okay?

- ADDISON:
Okay. Okay.

Thank you. Good to see you, Phoebs.

You got it.

You stand up for the people,

Kevin. You're a good man.

- Here you go. Sure.

- Thanks.

KEVIN:
Phoebe?

- Huh? What's up?

- How's he doing?

He's okay.

I'll see you later.

(SIGHS)

It's chilly.

- Can I ask you something?

- Mmm?

I feel like you hanging

out with me has, like,

a detrimental effect on your

standing with the cool kids.

We've always hung out, Addison.

Not really. I mean, we haven't

really since eighth grade.

I sort of went invisible there for a while.

Okay. Well, maybe it's because

I find every guy in high school

to be completely dull and predictable.

And why is that?

Are they predictable

because they want to hook up?

Can we just get some music or something?

Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I feel like you see me as

somehow sexually neutral

from the Latin "neuter,"

as in, without testicles.

(SCOFFS) No, I don't see you that way.

I hate to break it to you, Phoebe.

I don't want to disappoint you.

But guess what?

I want what all the other guys want, too.

That's okay.

Really?

Actually,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

And I guess now is as good

a time as any to tell you.

I don't want to go off to college as a...

As a what?

Without having, you know,

done it.

Done what? (CHUCKLES)

- Screw you, Addison.

- (CHUCKLES)

I wanna get it over with.

All right? I want to have sex

with a guy who I feel safe around.

You know? Who won't judge me.

And who is definitely a virgin, too.

You're talking about me?

Wait, what? What makes you

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