Not Cool

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The beat takes

then I start rockin'

The beat takes

then I start rockin '

Ah!

The beat takes

then I start rockin'

The beat takes

then I start rockin '

Go, go

So what you know about that

I make the party crack

Who doesn't love

thanksgiving break?

Me, Tori Gillespie.

Or, as everyone in high school

used to call me...

Whorie, whorie, whorie!

That nickname was meant

to be ironic, by the way,

Although I did have sex

with a zucchini once,

So I guess that was

kind of slutty.

Needless to say,

high school fucking sucked.

But here's the thing

about high school:

It ends.

And you get to go to college,

Where no one knows that you

were a bed-Wetter till 14,

Or that you broke your own hymen

with a baby carrot.

Only problem is,

when the holidays roll around,

You still have to go home.

Hi!

I missed you so much.

The Alleghany

railroad authority

Welcomes you to Pittsburgh.

Your train from New York...

I texted you

on my new phone!

Look at my sign!

Want to switch lives?

I'd rather eat my own shit.

And I do!

This is shit up in here.

And yet I'm still

jealous of you.

Where is she?

Yay!

I'm so happy you're home.

Yep, it's still you!

Unfortunately.

I can't wait

to stay up all night

Gossiping about

northwestern boys.

Or girls.

We don't judge.

Just don't talk details.

It gives your mother nightmares.

Nightmares,

it gives me nightmares.

Also, I have some huge news.

Oh, what, my train crashed and

I'm actually in hell right now?

Gil and I are getting married!

Ah!

Are you looking at it?

Yeah, I'm looking at it.

Is it beautiful?

Shit, this is why I'm glad

my family dead.

Ah!

Scott!

Scott!

Fucking look at me!

Ow!

Oh, I missed you

so much, boo.

Hey, maybe we should do this,

I don't know,

somewhere a little more private?

Ugh!

You are a fucking genius!

Ah!

I was actually thinking

maybe more like my place.

Shh, public sex

is way in right now.

It's the second most searched

term on youporn,

Right under

"brother sister stuff."

Shit!

Here, hold my invisalign.

Oh, my god.

It's a glory hole.

I've only seen these

in gay porn!

Why are you watching

gay porn?

Wee!

Who are you,

fucking spider-Man?

Gimme your dick!

Uh, I don't know

if I really want to.

You oddly resemble

The Alice in wonderland cat

right now.

Ugh, stop being such a pussy,

And give me your dick.

It's like the wall's

eating my penis.

What the hell is wrong

with these people?

I know.

Some motherfuckers

are so disgusting.

Oh, dear god.

Oh, here it comes.

Are you crying?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know how hard

this was gonna be.

Oh.

Well, do you want

to just, like...

parkour back over

and finish me off in here?

No, no.

I really wanted there

to be a wall between us

When I said this.

What are you...

What are you trying to say?

I'm sorry, Scott.

It's over.

What?

Okay, like, this is

super awkward, but...

could you put my invisalign

back in?

Seewell high school wishes you

a happy thanksgiving break.

Be good people.

Make good choices.

And I was like,

"that's the last time

I'm ever having sex

with the cafeteria lady again."

Bye, gross,

stupid fucking bitch!

Kidding.

Not really.

Janie, is that you?

Joel.

What are you doing here?

Huh, nothing much.

Just visiting

the old stomping grounds.

So are the rumors true?

I hear you've turned into

quite the pimp at Cornell.

You follow my tumblr?

No.

Well, you should.

I post a lot of blogs

About my wild adventures,

Or, as I titled them,

"Assventures."

So...

that sounds kind of gay.

I disagree.

Well, welcome home, Joel.

I'll see you around.

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