Newlyweeds

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1

I was having the weirdest dream.

For some reason,

Busta Rhymes was holding me

hostage at gunpoint.

And it was making me late

for our wedding rehearsal

in Queens.

We're getting married?

In the dream.

So, somehow, I managed to escape

and make it back

to my parents' house.

But then I realized

I didn't know

which shoes to wear.

So, I just grabbed a bunch.

And then I was running through

Prospect Park to get to Queens.

Prospect Park's in Brooklyn.

I know. But it's a dream.

You know, like,

it's dream logic or something.

I don't dream.

Shut up.

That's why I burn.

No, that's why you

don't remember your dreams.

So, you were running

through Prospect Park...

I was running.

And, uhh, and...

I don't speak Spanish. No

Spanish.

Look, can I have some

"D" batteries, please?

Can I have a bag?

Yo, let me get a couple coffees,

man, four sugar.

I'll be back.

Thank you.

Grilled chicken sandwich.

Thanks.

Lyle, you got to slam

the fucking door?

See what we got here.

Stereo and a couch.

Dude, this fucking eczema's

killing me.

Yo.

You think you might roll

the window down?

Give me a second.

Maybe before you

fucking light it.

Can't do that and light it.

We're good. We're good.

We're good.

You put your fucking

jerk-off pants on today.

Always wear my jerk-off pants.

Come on,

I got a fucking piss test.

Can you roll it down

a little more?

Yo, you see this motherfucker?

Oh, shit.

Remember doing shit like that

when you were a kid?

What?

Stealing 40s and shit.

Oh yeah, you don't drink.

You're, like, Muslim or

something, right?

I forget. What are you, like,

Five Percenter? Godbody?

G-O-D?

I remember. You're a homo.

That's what.

Yeah, but at least my liver

don't look like

a fucking Dalmatian,

you nasty f*ck.

Fucking Billy Blanks over here.

Your lungs got to be blacker

than your grandmother.

Except this is medicine,

dumbass.

Oh, you're a fucking doctor?

I am today.

You're a homo

Five Percenter doctor.

I know your liver's like

a fucking brick.

Don't take a doctor

to know that.

Yeah?

What are we looking for?

A stereo... stereo, couch.

You forgot the clipboard.

Stereo and a couch.

Yeah, you forgot the clipboard.

Let's go.

Mister?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How you doing, sir?

My name is... My name is Lyle.

I'm from Rent To Own.

This is my partner.

Look, we just came to see

about a stereo.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

My cat! My cat!

Let him get his cat.

Yo, let's check this.

Oh yeah.

Fucking stinks in here.

Hey, hey, slow down. Slow down.

Slow down. Slow down.

You're upsetting your cat.

You're upsetting your cat.

Sir, please.

Lyle?

This fucking--

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing?

Every fucking Puerto Rican

motherfucker got one of these.

This for coconut?

to get fucking coconuts,

not to judge or nothing.

Let's get the couch

and get the f*ck out of here.

Sir?

No, no, no, no.

You got a receipt?

Where? Show me a receipt.

Yeah, where? By the machete?

F*ck you.

You ain't going by that closet.

You no pay, you no keep couch.

S, pay.

No, you no pay.

Nah.

Every month, on time,

that's why we here.

We got to take this couch.

No, no, please, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Be nice. It's a nice cat.

Oh, you love this cat?

Sir, come on, off the couch,

off the couch.

Okay? Okay?

I wasn't gonna do nothing

to his cat.

Let's just get

the f*ck outta here.

Yo, what's next?

Yo, what the f*ck are you doing?

That don't make no sense.

It says 175 Herkimer,

but that's all the way...

What?

Oh, f*ck. This is Park Ave.

We supposed to go to Park Place.

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