Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Synopsis: Fields wants to sell a film story to Esoteric Studios. On the way he gets insulted by little boys, beat up for ogling a woman, and abused by a waitress. He becomes his niece's guardian when her mother is killed in a trapeze fall during the making of a circus movie. He and his niece, who he finds at a shooting gallery, fly to Mexico to sell wooden nutmegs in a Russian colony. Trying to catch his bottle as it falls from the plane, he lands on a mountain peak where lives the man- eating Mrs. Hemogloben. When he gets to the Russian colony he finds Leon Errol (father of the insulting boys and owner of the shooting gallery) already selling wooden nutmegs. He decides to woo the wealthy Mrs. Hemogloben but when he gets there Errol has preceded him. The Mexican adventure is the story that Esoteric Studios would not buy.
Genre: Comedy, Musical
Director(s): Edward F. Cline
Production: Universal
Rotten Tomatoes:
71 min

How are you, Chuck?

Hello, Gorgeous. Oh, say, your

daughter's looking for you.

Oh, thanks.

I'll take the next bus.

Okay, Gorgeous.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Who're you doubling today?

Lydia Flickham

in an aerial act.

Be careful.

Say, I thought you were

supposed to be rehearsing.

I haven't even started yet.

Well, you knock them over in that

rehearsal and I'll let you support me.

Uncle Bill said if he sells the

script, you won't have to work anymore.

Oh, your Uncle Bill is too good.

We owe him too much already.

Look what I found

this morning.

Close your eyes.


Was that a buptkie!

You're about to fall heir

to a kitters stocking.

What's a kitters stocking?

A sock on the puss.

Another buptkie.






Hiya, tootie pie.

Everything under control?

Who are you talking to?

All five of them

hit me at once.


It's a lucky thing

I recognized you.

I thought it was that guy

coming back again.

I was about to

clout your brains out.

How about a part in this new

picture you're going to do?

Go away or I'll kill you.

You're all right.

You're all set.

Thank you, Mr. Fields.

How would you

like to hide the egg

and gurgitate a few

saucers of mocha java?

No, thanks.

I've just had breakfast.

Oh, you have, eh? Well, call

me up at sometime at the house.

What time?

Oh, a couple o'clock.

Good morning, beautiful.

What do you hear

from Garcia?

A ringer!

Got a menu?

Thank you. Thank you.

Is there any goulash

on this menu?

That's roast beef gravy.

Oh, it's roast beef gravy.

Is that steak

New York cut?

What about...

No extra charge

for the cold shower, I hope.

Do you think

it's too hot for pork chops?

That practically eliminates

everything but ham and eggs.

Forgot about that.

No ham?

Two fomented eggs

in a glass.


Yes. Cup.

And some whole wheat...


Some white bread, yes.

And a... Get away from there.

And a cup of

mocha java with cream.


Milk. Yes, that's fine.

Two in the water! Easy!

I don't know

why I ever come in here.

Flies get

the best of everything.

Go away. Go away.

Get away. Go on.

Oh, yes, Mr. Pangborn.

Yes, we just made it.

Yes, I'll have Gloria Jean

ready whenever you say.

All right.

Thank you, Mr. Pangborn.

And another thing, you're

always squawking about something.

If it isn't the steak,

it's something else.

I didn't squawk

about the steak, dear.

I merely said

I didn't see that old horse

that used to be

tethered outside here.

You're as funny

as a cry for help.

You also pulled that old gag about

breaking your fork in the gravy.

I didn't say anything about

breaking the fork in the gravy.

Usert you be

an old Folies girl?

You know, there's something

awfully big about you.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you, dear.

Your nose.

Something awfully big

about you, too.

Hiya, Tiny.

Hiya, Joe.

Give me a cup of jamo.

Probably means mocha java.

What's the amount

of the insult?

That'll be 35 cents.

Thirty-five cents.

Thank you.

Have you any

imported cigars?

Stingaroos. Four for a nickel.

Oh, that's fine

as long as they're imported.

You know, if anybody ever comes

in here and gives you a $10 tip,

scrutinize it carefully

because there's a lot of

counterfeit money going around.

I'll give you the dough.

Don't... Here. There.

If I get any counterfeit nickels or

pennies, I'll know where they came from.

You're so clever.

Who told you I was clever?

All your friends

at the studio told me.

Oh, drat! I told them

not to tell you.

And another thing. Don't

be so free with your hands.

Listen, honey, I was only

trying to guess your weight.

You take things too seriously.

Baloney, mahoney, malarkey,

you big kabloona!

Kabloona? I haven't been

called that for two days.

I suffered from

high blood pressure for years.

Then I lost my dough

and I had to give it up.

Very comical.

Look at that hat.

It's nice. That's fine.

Arert you a little confused?


In which way?

Your hat.

Thanks 1,000 times, yes.

Mistook it.

Thank you.

Excuse me, blimpie pie.

I forgot to take

the cellophane off.

Very fortunate

it didn't burn my hat.

One, two, three,

four, five...

One, two...

With a hot

cha cha and a boop boop de doop

And a scaddily,

daddily, dinky dee

You can dig, dig, dug

while you cut a rug

When you waddily,

daddily, doodle with me

With a hot cha cha

and a boop boop de doop

And a scaddily,

daddily, dinky dee

You can dig, dig, dug

while you cut a rug

When you waddily, daddily,

doodle with me

With a hot cha cha

and a boop boop de doop

And a scaddily,

daddily, dinky dee

You can dig, dig, dug

while you cut a rug

When you waddily,

daddily, doodle with me





All right, Gloria Jean,

we'll rehearse the number.

You know, we have to get

this set finished by morning.

Well, what am I

supposed to do about it?

Let my men

continue working.

They only have to stop

while we rehearse.

Now, I'll give you one whistle for

quiet and two whistles to resume work.

Is that okay,

Mr. Pangborn?




This is not the song

that you are to sing.

This is the song

Uncle Bill told me to sing.

Uncle who?

Mr. Fields.

Swish swash.

This is the number

that you are to sing.

All right...




Why do I have to work

on a stage as busy as this

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John T. Neville

John T. Neville (1886–1970) was an American screenwriter. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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