Synopsis: One man's quiet suburban life takes a sickening lurch for the worse when a young couple move into the deserted house next door. From the word go it is obvious these are not the quiet professional types who *should* be living in such a nice street. As more and more unbelievable events unfold, our hero starts to question his own sanity... and those of his family.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): John G. Avildsen
Production: Sony Pictures Entertainment
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
94 min

Stay with us for

blood-chilling suspense...

...blackmail, murder,

intrigue and love.

Next on Channel 8.

- A tourist, visiting a friend,

was struck... a 30-pound block as he

walk ed down the stage-door alley.

The cinder block hit me

on the flat side...

...of the block itself,

as if it were hurled at me.

- When the ferry dock ed,

he was napping.

A deck hand wok e him and told him

to drive off. But Max was in reverse.

He went right off the back of the ferry.

He drowned.

But if you were complaining

about the weather this week end... could have been worse.

A series of floods...

- I guess it's that time.

- You want any help?

There was a terrific recipe for capon

in the Times today.

Takes two minutes.

The National Guard has been

called out...

...and some people may have to...

Enid, someone's moving into

the Warren place.


It's a funny time to be moving.

I don't see any kids' stuff.

Thank God.

Maybe we should ask them over

for a drink tonight.

- It being their first night and all.

- Tomorrow will be fine.

Well, tomorrow's not tonight,

you know.

- And it would be nice.

- There's plenty of time to be nice.

You don't have to push it.

I think they've got a dog.

Kalinqashe, the dog spirit,

is swift and faithful.

I don't care. I don't want him

in my garden digging up my bulbs.

Who would want your bulbs?


- What can I do for you?

- Anything you like.

The question is,

what do you want in return?

Hi. I'm Ramona.

I just moved in next door.

- Oh, really?

- Really.

Who's this?

- Your girlfriend?

- No, that's my daughter, Elaine.

That's a hot one.

By the way, my name is Earl Keese.

I was real friendly

with a boy named Earl once.

Well, twice really.

So you're all moved in next door, huh?

It's a very good house. I imagine

you'll want to freshen it up.

Give it a new coat of paint,

mow the lawn.

Is your wife here?

She's in the kitchen.

- She's dying to meet you. I'll get her.

- No, no, I don't want to meet her.

I hope we're gonna be friends.

We were very friendly

with the Warrens next door.

But we weren't that close.

I mean, we were next-door close.

I didn't mean that kind of close.

I mean "close" close.

Is your wife making dinner?

She's fixing a great capon.

It was in the Times today.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

Are there more of you?

Is there a Mr. Ramona?

You go ask your wife if it's okay.

No, it's no problem, really.

Don't argue with me, Earl.

You wouldn't want me

to have to pull down your pants...

...and spank your little buns...

...would you?

Don't you go away. I'll be right back.


- How many frozen waffles you want?

- Waffles? What happened to the capon?

- What capon?

- You said you read... incredible recipe for it.

- I didn't say we were having it.

Leave it to you

to take something for granted.

Frozen waffles is all we've got.

Weren't you gonna pick up steaks

for tomorrow?

You're asking for steak?

You could have picked up

some cheap ones.

I will not eat cheap meat.

No! No!

- May I help you?

- Hi, Earl. I'm Vic.

I'm sure Ramona's already told you

my whole life story.

- No, but you must be her...

- That's me, like it or not.

If you know what I mean. Have a seat.

So, what do you say, neighbour?

Welcome to the end of the road,

I guess.

- It's a great house.

- Thank you.

I mean mine. More rooms than we

need, really, but I couldn't resist.

It was a steal.

What's on the menu, pal?

I'm starved.

We haven't eaten all day. We could eat

a baby's butt through a park bench.

I'm afraid I spoke too soon earlier.

We haven't got enough.

Enid didn't get to her shopping today.

Well, no sweat.

I'll just go and get some takeout.

There's nothing around here

except the standard burgers...

...greasy dogs and a gummy pizza.

- I can do better than that.

You just leave everything

to Captain Vic.

Look, friend, if I do the running,

I know you'll wanna spring for the tab.


Thirty bucks?

For four grown people?

Where have you been? It takes

30 bucks just to look at a menu.

- This is a $2 bill.

- Let me see that.

Gee, I thought it was a 20.

- Really.

- Well, people palm them off that way.

You never know who's gonna

stick it to you, do you, Earl?

Look, if 32 bucks isn't enough,

we can always do it some other night.

Why don't we do it now.

Let's have your car keys, okay?

- My car keys?

- Yeah, my brakes are shot.

Why don't I get the food? I'm the one

who's supposed to be neighbourly.

You stay here and my wife

will keep you company.

Forget it. If you insist on paying for

dinner, the least I can do is go get it.

What I don't understand

is where you're going.

There's no place decent around here.

If you must know, it's a new place,

opened up on the other side of town.

Near the train station.

Across from the warehouse.


I commute, I go by there twice a day,

five days a week...

...and I've never seen

a restaurant around there.

You calling me a liar?

No, I...

I'm just not very observant,

I guess.

I can't blame you.

They don't have their sign up yet.

But it's got a cute name:

Caesar's Garlic Wars.

Okay. Why don't you

get some ravioli...

...and some... What do you

call those stuffed clams?

- Stuffed clams.

- Yeah. And some scampi and garlic.

Whatever I get, Earl,

I first have to get going.

I'll get the keys.

Why don't you stay here

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes

Larry Gelbart

Larry Simon Gelbart (February 25, 1928 – September 11, 2009) was an American television writer, playwright, screenwriter, director and author, most famous as a creator and producer of the television series M*A*S*H, and as co-writer of Broadway musicals City of Angels and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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