Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #3

[laughter]

I don't think you guys

would even hear about it.

I don't think you would.

I just don't--like, 'cause

I don't have anything to get--

You know, like I would go back,

and I would see, like,

some guy on a old phone,

and I would be like,

"Hey, eventually

they have phones

you, like, carry

in your pocket."

And they're like, "Yeah?"

It's like, "How do they do it?"

I'm like, "Phew, I mean,

I don't know how they do it."

[laughter and applause]

"Oh.

I think it's a satellite?

I think--a satellite?"

They're like,

"What's a satellite?"

"Oh, I shouldn't have

even said that, uh..."

[sighs]

"It's like metal--

"Metal's got to go

pretty high in the air.

I don't know

if you guys are doing"--

I don't even know if I could

prove I'm from the future.

I don't even think I could.

I think I would just get stuck,

'cause they would want

something.

Like,

"Who's the next president?"

"Oh, boy.

Uh...

"Ooh--

Abraham Lincoln.

You guys are gonna love him.

He's really good."

They'd just think

I'm from the past.

That's--they were like--

It would just look--

And then I'd have to get

a regular job.

I would just have to, like,

wait tables or something

in the '20s.

I would go back in time

and do worse

than I'm doing right now.

[laughter and applause]

[laughs]

I went and visited

my parents recently.

My parents have a real,

real, real fat cat.

It's real fat.

People point it out,

you know?

They walk in; they're like,

"Man, that cat's fat."

And it feels rude, you know,

like, "He doesn't speak English,

but we do,

so maybe don't say that."

And they're just--

you know, they're like,

"What are y'all feeding

this cat?"

You're like,

"Whatever you feed a cat, dude.

"Like normal cat food stuff.

We pour a bowl.

Like, if he eats eight birds

outside, he doesn't tell us."

[laughter]

You know, he's not like, "Oh,

I ate out tonight. I'm good."

And then they're like, "Well,

y'all should do something."

You're like, "What do you think

we're not doing?

"Do you think he has

a gym membership

and we don't drive him

to the gym?"

He's a cat.

That's his gym membership,

is, he's a cat.

I watched him jump

from the ground

on top of the refrigerator.

That's like if I jumped on top

of a school bus from the ground.

Like, if I--if I did that,

you're not gonna be like,

"Well, you still could lose

a little bit, you know."

[laughter]

Just keep doing

what you're doing.

I got to get in shape.

Not this shape.

This is not a good shape.

Something--I got to get--

really.

I thought--I was like,

"Oh, I'm doing an hour special.

That'll motivate me."

And here we are.

[laughter]

I tell people

I got to get back in shape.

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