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EXT. SAWVILLE - DUSK
the shadows lengthen...
sign. The city’s motto, “We Came, We Sawed, We
Suddenly, an entire 12 pack of
INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT
In the truck, two teenagers (CLAYTON and JEFF) roar down
driving. As they approach a row of
RURAL MAIL BOXES,
Thought I told you to ditch all
What’s wrong with it?
letters into the air.
(back to Jeff)
...when are you going to grow up?
I’m trying to get you laid, but
...some piece of sh*t starring
What did you say...?
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
to a stop, dust washing up over the cab.
Take it back.
Bruce Campbell is the greatest
actor of his generation!
You’re kidding, right?
(going through boxes)
“Mindtrap?” “Alien Apocalypse?”
Shut up! That’s a good one!
Stryker, a rogue clone-warrior and
mankind’s last hope against the
Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert
wouldn’t wipe his crack with this
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 2.
Get out of the truck.
Whoa, slow down...
You don’t like Bruce, you walk.
I loved Army Of Darkness!
Everybody loved that one!
But... all right.
dilapidated arches of an old GRAVEYARD. As the truck
OLD, HALF-ROTTED SIGN
HEADLIGHTS stab the moonlit darkness, Jeff’s pick-up
in the mountainside. After a moment,
broken and jagged. As Jeff moves up to one of the
markers, staring at it...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 3.
You scream like a girl.
hidden by the darkness.
LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)
Come on, Big Debbie. Let’s check
and bolt to explore the graveyard.
Who are they?
From the Apple Festival.
I thought they blew us off.
They blew you off, “Evil Dead.”
(nods at Goth girl)
When I told the Mascara Queen
about this old boneyard she
practically dry-humped me on the
She’s kind of cute.
Clayton notices Jeff’s anxious/horny look.
Don’t worry, hard-on. Morticia’s
(eyes on Big Debbie)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 4.
years. We’re all alone out here.
It looks ancient. Historic. This
place must have meant a lot to
LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)
Let’s break something!
As long as it’s not my heart.
What do you say? Gimme some
Come on. We can dance the “hard
to get” all night, but if this
game’s called eye-tag...
smoldering Campbell-esque intensity into her eyes.
...your lips say I’m “it.”
and she runs across the graveyard.
Mmm. Juicy Fruit.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 5.
Your loss, baby. Your loss...
OLD MINE SHAFT.
completely blocked the entrance. As his flashlight
but in the
GRAVEYARD all he can see are flickers of flashlights,
“Here lies Hung Far Low, he dug
too deep, no Low no-mo...”
tight, some sort of
Jeff rolls back on his ass,
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 6.
light on the face of the
MINE SHAFT. A few pebbles and a puff of dust roll down.
Hey -- !
seems to be clawing free from the rubble. Jeff turns,
an awful, unearthly ROAR.
OH CHRIST SH*T!!
clamped firmly on Big Debbie’s boob) and the two girls
look over, assuming it’s a prank.
Son of a...
fondle Big Debbie.
clutching her boob, and realizes it’s been
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 7.
from the wound.
INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT
Don’t leave me, man!
truck’s red tail lights. As Clayton staggers, arm
windswept robes, RAISES A SWORD...
INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - NIGHT
Hold it right there!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 8.
shoulder) and he’s yelling at
wearing the same uniform.
Vat’s wrong vith you, Stryker?
We’ve got the Cavealien cornered!
send out for Chinese. Your
shake and bake.
Hey! Last time I saw Packer he
tried to put me in front of a
Coward! I should have left you on
We both know you couldn’t do that.
Petra doesn’t pull away. Her expression says she knows
Bruce is right.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 9.
you vas cloned from one of my dead
That’s right, baby. They built me
out of your old man’s DNA. So how
I’m a man. And I’ve been wanting
What the --
Bruce whips out his “blaster.”
Dammit! They’re all around us!
of “alien blood.”
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 10.
Easy on the ichor! I think we get
glasses a half inch thick, walks onto the set as Bruce
coughs up the last of the alien goo.
That was aces, Bruce. Nice work.
(wiping off goo)
You didn’t think it was a little
over the top?
It’s Cavealien 2.
That’s not an answer.
Did you see Cavealien 1?
Hey, Tiny. Fetch me a lemon
water, will ya?
tosses it back at the P.A., annoyed.
(as P.A. hesitates)
Let’s go, Jumbo! Ondelay,
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 11.
Hey, baby, nice work. On a show
this down and dirty, it’s a relief
to be working with a professional.
I vouldn’t know.
Bruce raises his hands, “take it easy” style,
accidentally spattering her with goo.
Easy, Quick-Draw. We’re both on
the same page.
Sure, baby. Low budget show like
this is just a detour. A quick
Spielberg are warming up our
Sounds like you could use a little
filmmaking 101. Lucky for you,
the Professor is in.
I know this little bar off
cheap and the barmaids are
cutting Bruce off in mid-sentence.
Hullo? Vhy yes!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 12.
No, you’re not ee-nterrupting
(calling after her)
Think it over!
“in charge”, as the D.P. adjusts the lens on the camera.
with a ‘50 for this next shot.
Got one up your ass?
Maybe a ‘75?
Water” bottle. OFF this...
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT
wraps for the day, exits the soundstage, only to find
Geek central. NO GIRLS. Not in the mood for a fan
Bruce! Mr. Campbell! Ash!
Here ya go, one for you, one for
you, Holy Mother of God what’s
that smell --
stick of Right Guard.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 13.
It’s called deodorant. Look it up
on your “internets.”
(passing more photos)
Don’t worry, I’ve got enough for
all you little trolls...
Mr. Campbell! Mr. Campbell! How
about an autograph?
WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)
What, no pen?
WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)
Ever hear the theme from
“Keep them doggies rollin’...”
peppered with more inane questions.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 14.
SECOND DEVOTED FAN
When you were trapped in the pit
get your shotgun?
THIRD DEVOTED FAN
When you kissed “Ellen” did it
turn you gay?
FOURTH DEVOTED FAN
How much wood could a woodchuck
Who cares, absolutely not and
Gotta run, boys, I’m late for a
assail him with inane questions, one of them even getting
in front of the car. Bruce
Mr. Campbell, Mr. Camp...
(WOMP! He’s hit!)
(or, in the case of the one who’s been hit, stumbling and
DEVOTED FAN (CONT’D)
Mr. CampOWWW, Mr. CampOWWW...
Park her close, chief. This won’t
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 15.
Bruce enters the busy restaurant, face sour as he looks
him a knowing look.
Gimme a bourbon with a loaded
walks up, he points at the Variety.
Hear I made the trades today.
Yeah. My career’s in the
Give me some sugar, baby.
That was the studio. They’re
crazy over the dailies from
Cavealien 2. Said you’ve never
Will that be cash, Mr. Campbell?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 16.
picking this one up.
Why not. It’s special occasion.
your polyester ass.
Brucie! Why all the hostility?
don’t give me that innocent look!
I’ve just spent six days of my
worst movies ever made!
You’ve made worse.
(that didn’t help!)
Amazon were great!
The ones I posted!
Mills motions for him to sit.
Park it, B.C., unload. That’s why
It’s just... I feel like I’m
losing my muse.
Mills blinks, an “oh God, not this again” expression.
The innocent, child-like quality
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 17.
like a double.
They say an actor’s life is like a
painting, a work in progress, but
how can I create my masterpiece
when my paint’s drying up, my
canvas is cracked and my brushes
It’s Deborah, isn’t it?
I said no.
You need to put her out of your
Candyman come out?!
Screw this. You were fired when I
walked in and you’re twice as
Leave now, you’ll never know what
I got you for your birthday.
My birthday? You actually
How could I forget? You’re my
numero uno client!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 18.
Give me a hint.
Goddamn it, Mills!
Let’s just say it’s going to be
the best birthday you’ve ever had.
Garcon! Bring Mr. Campbell
another highball! And pretzels
all around! Tonight we celebrate!
Happy birthday... to me... happy
birthday... to muhhhh...
I wuv you, man.
(“I know you do.”)
Uh ow ah ou.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 19.
Enjoy what you’ve got, Bruce. You
know how many wannabe Oliviers
would quick-lime their
Grandmothers for a career like
trying to squeeze his face.
Would ‘ou be my Grandmama?
No. But thanks for the offer.
Mills manages to duck him this time and duck into his
trots off to get Bruce’s car.
Maybe he’s right. Hell, I am a
lucky fella. I’ve got my
...JE-sus... my divorce is almost
...and I’ve got my fans... my
loyal fans... who hated my last
movie... hated my last five
movies... me and my wonderful,
THUD” as the limping fan he ran down at the studio
hobbles toward him.
Mr. Campbell, Mr. Campbe...
Lucky friggin’ ME!!
gasping fan’s hand and passes it to the Valet.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 20.
Devoted Fan grabs to get back his photo.
Give it back! That’s mine!
Kelbo, this is dispatch. We’re
in the woods off Crescent, over.
COP’S VOICE (RADIO)
Roger that. I’m coming up on
Crescent now, over.
skid, stopping by the side of the road. He’s in the
middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods.
impact has spider-webbed the windshield and left spatters
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 21.
EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
suitcase from the back of the car. He stagger-walks to
magazines like HUSTLER, JUGGS, 40 D-CUPPER...
INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
the door open and enters, tossing the mail on a couch.
Here boy. Come’mere, Sam’nRob.
feet and GROWLS MENACINGLY.
Whatsamatter boy? Whatsamatter
with poor widdle Sam’nRob?
Thought I forgot, didn’t you?
NOTICE” or “THIRD REMINDER.” He tosses the mail and
plops down in front of his ancient
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 22.
typical ET/Access Hollywood type story...
...studio sources say Tom Hanks’
Duh duh, “Bubba Gump,” yup yup
Next, we take a scarrrry look at
the life and times of B-movie
horror star Bruce Campbell...
toasting the screen.
Now we’re cookin’!
Campbell, best known for his roles
in the horrific Evil Dead films,
appears to have disappeared from
the entertainment scene...
Tonight, our “Where Are They Now”
affectionate look back on a
promising career that many feel
was squandered on low budget
TV, hitting the off-button.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 23.
There isn’t another drop in the house.
the snarling dog.
They’re making me look pathetic!
Bruce’s ex-wife DEBORAH, 30’s and attractive, is rolling
up clock next to her bed says 3:14 AM.
Bruce’s on his bed, hair sticking out wildly, tanked,
Hey, Deb. It’s me.
What now, Bruce?
I was just, you know, celebrating
the almost-wrap of my latest
picture... just one more day...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 24.
You got into the dog’s bowl again.
(yelling at dog)
QUIET! Selfish mutt...
It’s your birthday, isn’t it?
Every year, it’s the same old
“poor me” routine.
Can’t a guy get bombed and call
his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning
without it “meaning” something?
Bruce, I talked to Mills.
Yeah? What did ol’ ten percent
have to say?
Just that you were depressed. So
for your birthday.
Did he say what?
It’s a surprise!
I’m hanging up...
Bruce’s face falls.
No, don’t. I’m sorry, baby.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 25.
You slept with the dog sitter.
One stupid mistake...
All of them.
Twelve stupid mistakes. I was
mixed up, crazy... God, I miss you
and the kids...
The ones we would have had, if
we’d just held on...
Deborah takes a breath.
Bruce? It wasn’t the cheating or
that killed our marriage. You
just couldn’t commit. To our
relationship, your career, to much
Go ahead. Name one single thing
Dogs always had a sitter...
SLAM *CLICK* buzzzzz. Bruce just sits there, mulling
drunkenly over his life of missed opportunities...
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 26.
Keep your pants on fer Chrissakes,
it’s four in the friggin’
Bruce throws open the door and... nobody’s there.
Ho ho. Very funny.
Saaayyyy. A brand new quar--
trunk lid. Cramped, barely able to move, he slowly
realizes where he is.
What the hell -- ?
No good. Annoyed, he starts to YELL.
Hey! HEY!!! Lemme out of here!
The car hits a hard BUMP, jarring Bruce, as JEFF’S
Mr. Campbell? Are you okay?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 27.
Who are you? Who hit me?
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Uhh, that would be me. Sorry!
Oh. Well. As long as you’re
(kicking at lid)
Let me out of here, you psycho
I can’t. Not until we get to
I put some Twinkies and a couple
magazines in the side pocket. And
there’s a flashlight next to the
Bruce stares at the mags in disbelief...
No no no...
I know you’re probably sore and
tired and suffering from a
concussion, but... is it true
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 28.
of all time!
Oh my God. He’s a fan. (screaming)
GAWW! For God’s sake, could you
at least go easy on the bumps?
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
What is it, Hank?
I don’t know. Thought I heard
something in the barn.
Serious, he PUMPS his shotgun.
Stay inside. Bolt the door.
Don’t open it, no matter what you
Scared, the wife closes the door.
INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 29.
Oh dear Lord...
Open the door! Open the door!!
Terrified, the Wife throws open the door... only to find
Haw haw haw!!
You bastard! I can’t believe you
punked me like that!
You should have seen your face!
Told you to never open the do--
EXT. SAWVILLE - DAY
(dried and yucky) egg yolk. A hand reaches in and
quick stroke of paint...
Bruce is lying, cramped and half asleep, when the trunk
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 30.
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
What th --
Welcome to Sawville, Mr. Campbell!
(peels off Twinkie
Where the f*** is “Sawville?”
the driver’s side of the car, surprised by Bruce’s
outburst. Trying to calm him.
Easy, man. That’s the Mayor!
I don’t care if he’s the King of
Kiss-My-Ass-ia! I just spent six
hours in a TRUNK. I want some
answers, chop chop!
KELLY, 30-ish and pretty. It’s a “love at first sight”
Don’t worry, sweet-stuff. When
I’m done with these yokels, I’ve
got a pair of lips with your name
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 31.
going to respond, then she shakes her head again, this
time in utter disdain.
You’ve got to be kidding.
into “I’m pissed!” mode.
Well?! Don’t all talk at once!
(no one is helping)
Maybe you don’t get “moving
pichters” in this fart-hole, so
let me explain something. I’m a
“movie star.” Tinseltown.
Lights, camera, etc.? When Bruce
Campbell says frog, production
(leaning into it)
I even know Sam Raimi!
There’s a muffled, awed “ooooh” from the crowd.
So when you kidnapped me, you
(looks at watch)
In fact, I was due on set three
hours ago. You can bet they’ll
pull out the stops to get me back!
INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - DAY
the day, his cameraman nearby.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 32.
considerable cleavage, is in the clutches of the
Okay, looks good...
Wait a second. What are those
bulges on his chest?
Breasts. That’s Petra.
Thought it was Bruce.
A-hole didn’t show up. Bob from
him for the rest of the shoot.
covering the bottom half of his face with a cape, like
Lugosi covered his face with a cape.)
So as much as I’d love to stick
But your agent said you were
Bruce shakes his head in disbelief.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 33.
You called my agent?
He was very helpful.
That couldn’t have been Toddner...
Wait a minute. What else did he
you on your birthday...
Birthday...? Birthday...? Say...
through new eyes.
Mills, you magnificent bastard.
When you said you had a
“surprise” in store...
Mr. Campbell, I realize this is
rather... unorthodox, but Jeffrey
And the town of Sawville
desperately needs your help.
That’s good. You’re good.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 34.
makes a decision.
Let’s say I decide to play along.
Well, uhh, we’ve arranged a
presentation at City Hall.
Is that where Miss Make-My-Day is
As a matter of fact...
Lead the way, gents!
Ow... my foot!
Aghh, my corns!
(to farmer by Kelly)
Yo, Jimmy Dean. You’re in my
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 35.
You’re probably can’t break
character, but I gotta tell you,
you guys really had me going.
remake of “Deliverance” and
somebody was about to tell me to
offers his hand.
Sorry, I should have introduced
myself. I’m Bruce. Bruce
Kelly unenthusiastically shakes Bruce’s hand.
Graham. Bet all the boys go
“crackers” over you.
Ha ha ha.
Because I have this crazy urge to
“plant” one on you.
I have to go...
stay put. They don’t want to rile Bruce back up.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 36.
standing next to a projector screen.
Mr. Campbell, if you’re ready?
Knock yourself out, Whiskers.
center of attention...
As we all know, Sawville was
industry moved in...
A shot of an old mine entrance.
In the late 1860’s, hundreds of
Chinese immigrants came to our
shores to help work the claims.
patter with poor Kelly.
Kelly’s an Irish name, isn’t it?
(bad Irish accent)
Maybe later you can show me your
The largest mine was the Triple
T., run with an iron fist by the
legendary Thomas T. Tripletee.
handlebar moustache. Dressed in 1860-style finery.
At her height, the Triple T
employed hundreds of Chinese
immigrant laborers. They worked
long hours, in harsh and primitive
conditions, surviving on rice and
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 37.
You want primitive, you should
last picture! Licorice sticks
were like tent stakes!
Kelly glares at Bruce, incredulous.
Then disaster struck. A cave-in.
of a curse.
a deadly sword.
Legend has it that a Chinese demon
spirits of all those who died.
when the demon was last thought
active... in fact this is the only
copy of that rare photo...
(blowing it off)
Yeah, yeah, real scary.
Look, baby, when this is over, how
about you and me sharing a bottle
of Chateau La Partydown?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 38.
I barely know you!
Couple glasses of Sawville’s
finest and we’ll be the best of
friends. I may not be Fred
Flintstone, but trust me, I can
still make your “bed rock”...
Kelly suddenly explodes.
That’s it! You are, without a
doubt, the rudest, crudest, most
insincere jackass I’ve ever met!
(loud, to room)
tries to salvage the situation.
We need a champion, Mr. Campbell.
Great. Want me to pick somebody?
Actually, Jeff told us that you
had some... experience with evil
Moi? Gents, you got me all wr...
the room. All eyes turn toward the rear of the hall and
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 39.
Be warned. He who confronts the
Hello, second act escalation.
What’s with the fortune cookie?
His name is Wing. The last living
descendant of the dead laborers.
away from him, tosses it aside.
“Jaws.” We get it.
The Guan-Di has been unleashed
from his resting place.
guiltily. Bruce, meanwhile, misunderstands “Guan-Di” for
Always figured this “Gandhi” fella
The Guan-Di is a great warrior.
Protector of the dead, savior of
the innocent and of bean curd...
It’s a Chinese thing.
The graves of the dead were
disturbed and the Guan-Di will not
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 40.
And when exactly will that happen?
Well hell. There can’t be that
(looks across room)
Blood relatives, raise your hands.
Virtually every hand in the City Hall goes up.
Remind me to lock my door tonight.
(points at Bruce)
He will continue to kill, and with
interfere... will die...
TOWN GUY 2
Bruce turns and sure enough, Wing has disappeared. As
clutching a bowling ball bag.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 41.
Mr. Campbell, the future of
Sawville rests in your hands.
Bruce gauges them, then...
Lemme get this straight. One of
your boys goes Giambi on my skull,
to hayseed central... and now you
expect me to lay my life on the
line against some supernatural
Ehh, more or less.
hesitating as she awaits his answer.
Lucky for you, I find myself at a
crossroads in my life. Struggling
to find the artist, the “hero”
that I know still lies deep inside
continues to listen.
Maybe that’s why I’m here, to
rekindle that spirit.
(revving himself up)
It’s the ultimate acting
challenge. “Method” times ten, a
Will you help us, Mr. Campbell?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 42.
in their “love”...
INT. JEFF’S CAR - DAY
Princess as they pass overjoyed pedestrians.
So you’re telling me the whole
town’s in on this?
Demonsville for a few weeks a
No... I mean...
this thing. I had to do
stay in character.
That’s cool. Professional
courtesy. No more questions.
(looks out window)
So what’s next, kid?
tonight. Sort of a send off
before you head into battle.
Something I’d like to show you
ringer for his Victorville digs.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 43.
You gotta be shittin’ me.
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
lights are off and the front room is in shadow. Jeff
ads, Bruce’s books, etc.
Kid, if your last name’s “Lector”
I’m outta here...
Jeff shrugs, self-conscious but still proud.
Guess I am kind of a fan.
grabs the amulet, checking it out.
This doesn’t ring a bell...
Where did you get this?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 44.
Www.photos-of-bruce-campbell-withhis-ex-wife-deborah dot com.
You... miss her, don’t you?
Bruce stares at the photo.
Guess I do. But sometimes things
just can’t take back.
Like the dog-sitters?
Bruce does a double-take.
How the hell --
It was in Fangoria!
(as Bruce recovers)
Look, I know this was a huge
imposition, Mr. Campbell, so
whatever you need, just let me
Bruce can’t help it. He’s starting to like this kid.
First of all, “Mr. Campbell” makes
soup. You can call me Bruce.
Bruce sniffs his arm pits, grimacing.
Jack, a bar of soap, then point me
water and a naked cheerleaders
Bruce tightens at that.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 45.
Then there’s the Manflower on
Route 99, Ryan’s Rear-Entry on Old
Prescott Road, and...
Maybe I’ll just spruce up here.
Jeff is thrilled. A visit from his hero!
Really? Wow! Great! I brought
That’s wonderful, kid...
Jesus God. You actually have
every episode of Jack Of All
Yeah. Want to watch one?
OFF Jeff’s hero-worshipping smile...
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
foreboding cave site.
They allowed you to die... left it
to the few who survived to tend
EXT. CAVE - DAY
Wing goes up to the cave and sits at the entrance, the
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 46.
I pray to you, Guan-Di, for
vengeance. I pray for you to
destroy them all...
Especially the demon-fighter
known... as Campbell...
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
wash your blues away!
(holding out bottle)
Where the heck did you find this
“Evil Dead” shampoo?
That’s drain cleaner!
of hair falls from the towel.
worshipful look from Jeff.
(off Jeff’s look)
It’s just... you’re going up
against the Guan-Di tonight and
you’re not even scared.
Compared to Kandarian devils, this
Guan-Di cat’s no biggie-mo.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 47.
Look, kid, when you’re in the hero
business, there are only two
things you need to know. One,
monsters are mostly pussies. Two,
repeat number one.
could score a few Slim-Jims, then
catch a ride into town?
for the party. Sure you’ll be all
right on your own?
If I get lost, I’ll fire a flare.
the role of “town hero” to the hilt. Passing a
Bruce raises an eyebrow, “thanks, pal” style, and
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 48.
one of the radios, cranking up the sound.
Owner standing there, not sure how to react. A few
gives the guy a slap across the back.
the conquering hero” style.
Mr. Campbell! Bruce! Bruce!
continues down the sidewalk.
What’s up, kids?
save us from the monster?
That’s the idea, son.
I drew this picture of you!
Not bad, junior, not bad.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 49.
So did I!
Get with the program, Rembrandt.
EXT. GREENE’S BAR - DAY
Memo to self, buy agent a
inside, rubbing his sore noggin...
INT. GREENE’S BAR - NIGHT
What do you want, Bruce? Open
bar! It’s on the house!
As the “waitress” bends over to grab a bottle, Bruce
checks out her ass, nudging the guy next to him.
on Half Moon Bay, ehh, boys?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 50.
Hey, baby, how about a sloe
she glowers at him.
...with a lime twist?
them to Bruce.
(reaching to bowl)
Don’t mind if I...
Look, I know what you’re thinking.
look down his schnoze at an every
day waitress, but trust me, dollface, that’s not how the Bruce-man
I own this place.
me doing a plain-vanilla waitress
would be a definite step down...
Kelly pick up the drink as if to pass it over, then
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 51.
(off her glare)
Is it me, or did we get off on the
In the background, Jeff enters, carrying some boxes.
We never “got off” at all, and if
there’s a God, we never will.
(glances toward Jeff)
Unfortunately, my son seems to
think you’re some kind of hero.
Ultra-fan belongs to you?
her ring finger.
I don’t see a wedding ring...
Must have been hard, raising a boy
on your own.
But in the “lemons into lemonade”
category, sounds like there’s no
reason you and I can’t do a little
of the ol’ “trains and tunnels”...
Kelly stares at Bruce, aghast.
Maybe it’s all a big joke to you,
us from this “Guan-Di.”
Far as I can tell, you’re totally
full of sh*t.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 52.
considers the insult, then he breaks out laughing!
I get it! You’re the meet-cute!
Mills thought of everything! He’s
Kelly, I know you don’t much like
the stranger, but we need someone
to go up against the demon.
And right now, in an absolutely
tragic turn of events, he’s the
best we’ve got.
harder. OFF Kelly’s befuddlement...
EXT. SAWVILLE - SUNSET
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
front of the old cave, as if something is stirring
inside. Suddenly, a
another night of vengeance...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 53.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
in full swing. A band (The Smithereens?) is playing full
there’s an announcement from a frontier-outfitted
SQUARE DANCE CALLER.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
Ladies and gentlemen. Grab your
Ma’am, may I have this dance?
to her. As they get in formation with the others, Bruce
whispers to her...
You realize I have no idea what
I’m sure that’s a first.
Not really. I haven’t known what
I’ve been doing for years.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 54.
Wait a minute. What was that?
No no, both sides of your mouth
curled at the edges. There’s an
old Indian word for this
Cherokee for “she who smiles at
one she is beginning to not hate.”
Kelly rolls her eyes, but not so mean this time. With a
hint of actual pleasure.
Shut up and dance.
orders to the dancers.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
Bow to your partner!
navigate through the crowd.
Just follow my lead...
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
moves, Bruce is a loose-limbed marvel, his legs swinging
around like some kind of string-puppet.
Allemande left with a right hand
star, box the gnat and allemande
polite because of his mission, and his enthusiasm
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 55.
pretend you’re poor...
these are “unusual” calls to say the least. But, in an
toward the door, then pull out their pockets, sending
Allemande left then allemande
a crazy, tangled-legged dance that ends with him doing
advances on an astonished Kelly.
close, see if she’ll kiss you
without holding her nose...
seems to be anticipating the kiss. Then:
You wanna move that hand?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 56.
EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT
(eyes on him, wary)
And just fresh air.
Even with everything that’s
happened, God I love this place.
I grew up in a town just like it.
Little place in Michigan. You
ever hear of it?
“Little Place.” About fifteen
miles North of Dearborn.
another out there. “Values” meant
more than half-price cereal at the
was still in High School.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 57.
We were kids... naive, innocent.
We wanted to make a film that
reflected our hopes and dreams...
What was it called?
“Blade of the Skullripper.” Guess
that’s when I got the acting bug.
You’ve come a long way since then.
Guess you haven’t seen any of my
Kelly smiles at that.
Believe it or not, Jeff’s shown me
a couple. I don’t know about the
plots, but you’re usually pretty
good in them.
Bruce is taken by the compliment.
You really mean that?
Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.
in the offing.
You’re just full of surprises,
Kelly Graham. You’re going to
find this hard to believe, but
I’ve always been shy. Maybe
that’s why I come on so strong...
Hey, I came on a little strong
(moving in for kiss)
It’s never been... easy for me
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 58.
...express my... true feelings...
her shoulder, annoyed.
You want to move that hand?
Kelly’s butt cheek. He jerks it away.
I’ll let it go... this time...
Kelly both look over in surprise, seeing
consummate the kiss.
For the love of God, I can smell
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 59.
Zoom in on Bruce’s face, hard and serious. The bald
STOREKEEPER waits expectantly.
All right, small-town America.
Show me what you’ve got.
ready for some monster killin’ action.
pockets for weapons.
a leather holster.
hands prepare to put on the mask...
is actually... THE MAYOR.
Okay. I’m set.
totally unarmed, watching incredulously.
Wonderful. Anything left for me?
plated CHAINSAW, banging it down on the counter.
I had it made special, just for
the gleaming blade.
(tosses it aside)
tree, possibly even appropriate.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 60.
Gimme one of those, two of those,
a handful of those... attaboy,
just keep ‘em coming, Cueball...
suddenly just DUMPS everything.
Here you go, Popeye...
Schwarzenegger gets the “make my
tossing the last one under his leg.
Heads up! Hup hup hup!
Storekeeper is aghast.
Mr. Campbell, those are live
Pull the other one, spit-shine!
The rest of you, don’t be shy!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 61.
Sure you know how to handle that,
between the trap’s jaws and triggers the mechanism.
Chopping the carrot off at the root.
All right! You’re taking point!
Are you ready for this?
Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria.
I’m ready for anything.
in the doorway, looking back at his peeps.
Sawville, past the bar, where
KELLY watches with worry. Some of the armed-up Townfolk
wafting dust, practically in Kelly’s arms.
Hey baby. How about a kiss for
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 62.
finally kiss, then:
You wanna move that hand?
truck, jaunty as ever.
Put yourself on simmer,
sweetheart. ‘Cause when I come
(to the others)
Now let’s do this thing!
looks worried and concerned.
My eyes are brown...
As the cars careen into the darkness...
something on the ground.
hockey mask and all the weaponry/accoutrements that he
gathered at the gun store.
Hold it. What do you make of
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 63.
Looks like gravel.
I mean these tracks.
A set of well defined, devil-hoof footprints are visible
IN the gravel.
I’d say we’ve found us a Guan-Di.
No surprise. The killings have
all been in this general area.
It’s not hunting us, Mayor. We’re
Bruce can sense the “nervousness” of his team.
Okay, it’s liable to get ugly out
there. So when things look bad,
when it looks like you’re not
going to make it, remember two
things. One, even if you don’t
have medical insurance, emergency
GUY WITH TORCH:
What’s number two?
(pauses for effect)
None of that matters, ‘cause Bruce
Campbell’s got your back.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 64.
take the lead...
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
This is Henderson. I’m crossing
Haselton Road... no sign of the
underbrush, their guns out and ready.
It’s quiet. Almost too...
Bruce JUMPS at the super-loud warning.
When this is over, you gotta
introduce me to the guy who does
THROUGH THE WOODS
costume, but it’s barely visible.
Wait... wait... Oh God, I think I
see it, over!!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 65.
Bruce grabs his walkie-talkie.
Good! Now see if you can flank
him and ease him around to my
He’s got a sword, over!!
Right. Just move him on over
It’s a big sucker!
Point taken! Now please lead El
Demonostro my way so I can...
(makes “air quotes”
for a baffled Jeff)
...“open fire” and we can all get
back to town...
Sh*t, he saw me! He’s turning
God oh sh*t oh AHHHHHHHH --
Walkie in his hand.
He hits the “talk” button, getting loud SQUAWKS.
Testing, testing. Dammit, are you
bringing me this “demon” or not?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 66.
Okay, everybody. Cut, cut!
I’m trying to stay in character,
but radio-schmucko seems to lost a
couple pages of the script...
at Bruce’s feet with a THUD. It’s the bear-trap Woman’s
Breath’s a nice touch.
What the -- ? Where are you
Bruce! Do something!
What the f*** is that?
It’s the Guan-Di!
reality hits him like a sledgehammer.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 67.
You mean the son of a b*tch is
Shoot it! Shoot it!
shotgun. Shaking like Don Knotts, he blindly
AGHHH! My arm!
ANOTHER FLEEING TOWNIE
OWWWW, my leg!
AHHH, my ear!!
Stop shooting, stop shooting!
Bruce! Where are you going?
The hell away from here!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 68.
Campbell, you coward! You were
supposed to protect us!
over onto his ass, Bruce doesn’t even slow down, running
back into the
pick-ups, trying to find one with the keys in the
INT. CAR - NIGHT
All right, coil wire to the
(as he gets a spark)
the underside of the dash.
Struggling to get away from the sparking wires, Bruce
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 69.
newspaper delivery bags on the back of his bike.
Bruce thinks a moment, then has an idea.
Hey, kid! Your parents around?
races away from the staging area.
Young man, are you all right?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 70.
You gotta get me out of here!
I’m sorry, but there’s no room...
THROWS HER out of the truck!
There is now!
Wait! My kitty-kitty!
passenger window, accompanied by a loud MEOWWWWW!
gives his face an eerie, “up-shadow” cast.
Demons... monsters... what the
hell were they thinking? Thing’s
on my ass now... supernatural
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 71.
EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT
suddenly appear in the distance. In the foreground, a
take vague notice.
Wonder who that is?
in the distance. Then
he gets closer, we see it’s Bruce, silhouetted by the
I need a car! Pronto!
Aren’t you that demon-fighting
Yeah, yeah, that’s me.
I, uhh, I blew the thing to
Kingdom Come! Yeah, that’s it...
I just came back for, uhh,
shovels. To scrape him up. And
trash bags! It’s helluva mess out
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 72.
So long, suckers!
out and going to one of the shops.
Son of a --
town. Hearing all the racket,
KELLY comes out of her bar, worried. When she sees
Bruce, they lock eyes for a moment.
Bruce. Where’s Jeff?
You just left him out there?
No! I mean, kind of!
(off her disdain)
Come on, lady, nobody told me this
monster was real!
getting ready to pull out of town.
(desperate, to Kelly)
by Bruce’s betrayal.
Mom! Where’s Bruce?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 73.
Thespian bastard shot me in the
He got me in the leg!
Bruce, he BOLTS for the Grayhound.
Wait! Wait! For the luvva God,
to a stop. Gasping, Bruce runs for the door and jumps
Get out of town! Go back to
Hollywood! You shot my Uncle!
against the glass. But Bruce’s focus is on
utterly devastated, a elbow-jointed piece of plumbing
EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAYBREAK
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 74.
INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAY
still have you.
The dog just stares at Bruce.
Come on, little guy. Here boy.
Here boy. Come on, fella. Come
to Daddy. That’s it. Come on.
Here boy, here boy, here boy...
Son of a b*tch!!
loud BARK and SCREECH.
pulling out a box of generic “Fruit Loops” cereal. He
I’ll feel better after
breakfast... it’s most important
meal of the day...
blinking on his answering machine. Heartbroken, he
punches the “play” button.
This is Bruce Campbell, actor
extraordinaire. If you’re young,
female and not currently
incarcerated, page me at star-998,
Bruce, it’s Deborah.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 75.
There’s something I’ve been
meaning to tell you, something
that’s been weighing on me ever
since our divorce.
praying for good news.
...it’s the alimony payment. It’s
just not cutting it.
it increased, along with a
restraining order, so don’t even
try returning this call...
wall, then smashes the box on the floor.
Sam’Rob’s dog blanket. He rips it open and pulls out
TWO SCRIPTS. “Cavealien 3 and 4.” As Bruce’s jaw falls
first script, “From The Desk Of Mills Toddner.” Hand
written under that,
“Pack your bags, baby, they’re back-to-back in Romania!
Love ya, Mills.”
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 76.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
Hold on... just a minute...
He throws it open, revealing...
And I’m Kasey, the famous singing
I’m here to offer birthday
greetings and wish you lots of
luck, and if you’re really really
nice I’ll even toss in a f--
(cuts her off)
Who sent you?!
“From your friend and agent, Mills
Toddner. Here’s some birthday
Loops dangling from his hair and face.
This was my surprise? A woman?
Actually I’m only half-way through
my trans-gender surgeries, so
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 77.
For the love of God, stop!!
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
Bruce. It’s Jeff.
You little BASTARD. You’re the
one who dragged me into this
nightmare! Now I suppose you’re
going to chew my ass for taking a
No. I... I just wanted to thank
I ran like a cheap mascara!
That’s just it. I was trying to
dodge my responsibilities by
dumping them on you. You showed
me that I have to face this thing
on my own.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 78.
to suggest that was his plan all along.
Well... thought I’d help you shape
up... I’m glad you’ve seen the
error of your ways... yeah...
Truth is, I’m the one who
unleashed the Guan-Di. So it’s up
to me to kill it.
You’re gonna take on Toshiro
All I needed was a push. Thank
you, Mr. Campbell...
As the line goes dead...
(slams down phone)
Son of a --
Stupid kid... he’s gonna get
(about to drink)
What do I care? I’ve got my own
figures appear on his shoulders. One is the “Angel”
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 79.
Who are you?
I’m your good nature, Bruce.
You’ve got to help the lad!
Don’t listen to him! Kid’s an
a**hole! F*** him! Nobody lives
How can you even think such a
thing? This young man is our
As this conversation continues, two more, even TINIER
BRUCE’S tiny shoulders!
ANGEL BRUCE’S ANGEL
You’re absolutely right, Angel
Bruce. Remind him that our fans
support us no matter what.
ANGEL BRUCE’S DEVIL
What the hell are you talking
nap, we’re all toast!
Well, he does have a point. And
young Jeff did release the
(to big Bruce)
Maybe we should let him die...
multiple bickering devil/angel figures.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 80.
You. Uncle Sam-Antha. How’d you
Story of my life...
No! I need a ride!
That’s why I’m here...
IN YOUR CAR!
Oh. Where are we going?
Little town called Sawville.
(gritting his teeth)
Looks like I’ve got to kill me a
sexy patriotic bikini. As they both get out...
Sit. Try not to blow anybody
until I get back.
Bruce starts down the sidewalk, the same walk he took the
day before. But this time the reaction is much
different. He’s met with sneers and snarls. Gingerly,
he approaches the
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 81.
to reach for an apple, like yesterday, only to have the
Apples aren’t for sale!
of the radios.
APPLIANCE STORE OWNER
Wrote this last night, b*tch.
RADIO RAP SONG:
BRUCE CAMPBELL, man used to be it,
now BRUCE CAMPBELL, man’s fulla
sh*t. Actor-man said he’d save
our town from fear, but all we saw
was his yellow rear, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, dat’s right, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, runs from a fight, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, got balls like a mouse,
BRUCE CAMPBELL, he’s worthless
AN ELDERLY MAN, the one who gave him the sign of the
your blessing, kind sir...
across the same group of
Seeing Bruce, they rush up excitedly, but instead of
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 82.
You piece of sh*t! Coward! Wimp!
Come on, kids, I did my best --
You shot my Dad!
I drew this picture of you!
coming out of his pants. As the kids jeer, a
monster, triumphant. Bruce is touched...
OWW! STOP!! Wahhhhhh...
Kelly’s bar. A CLOSED sign in the window. Frustrated,
around to the side, where
posters from the back of her pick-up bed and jamming them
into the flames. NOTE: There’s a stocked gun rack
inside the pick-up.
Kelly turns, eyes narrowing when she sees Bruce.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 83.
Go back to Hollywood, big shot.
Find yourself some hot and cold
running starlets. You and I are
Kelly, please. I’m not a shallow
sex machine like most Hollywood
her bikini, marches up on them.
Hey, Mister, you owe me $50!
Kelly is stunned. Bruce is mortified.
Just a second...
And we still need to have sex!
where they should do it.
Right here would work.
Hey, B-cup, got a blanket we could
Who is this?
Technically I’m still a “he”...
going to get him in more trouble, but...
“He” is a...
(mumbling real fast)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 84.
Toss in another twenty-five bucks
and I’ll do her too.
(to Bruce, disgusted)
My God. You really are a total
waste of skin.
turns to Kelly.
For Christ’s sake, just take it
voice to Kacey.
Kelly, listen to me, we don’t have
Hey! Those are my posters!
trailer. It was my pleasure.
Sweet Jesus! That’s the limited
edition “B” style!
Plenty more where that came from.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 85.
Are you still here? Don’t you
have a bad movie to make?
A couple, actually. But the truth
is... I haven’t been able to stop
thinking about you.
closer, just inches away from her.
I know it sounds crazy. I mean, we
barely know each other. But I
think... I think I’m in...
You wanna move that hand?
Okay. So maybe it’s over between
us. At least let me help you
the flames, startled.
Jeff needs to be rescued?
He called me this morning. He’s
going after the Guan-Di!
I thought you knew!
Oh my God! It’ll be dark soon.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 86.
We need to get the town together,
Bruce doll from the flames...
INT. KELLY’S BAR - NIGHT
BRUCE appears. As if on cue, the entire mob surges
OWWW! Wait! OWW! A boy’s life
Stop it! Now!
turns toward Kelly.
Let him talk.
Look, rural folk, I know I let you
down... and I’m sorry. But the
callow movie star who came into
That’s right. It took the faith
of a kid like Jeff, and the
decency of a good woman like Kelly
to help me see the light. In the
last twenty four hours, I’ve
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 87.
(he looks at Kelly)
Maybe even love.
Man’s not much if he can’t own up
to his mistakes. So I’m here to
apologize, but more importantly,
to makes this right.
I’m not just asking you for a
second chance. I’m begging you
You moved ‘em, all right.
across the old tombstones.
Okay. This was a bad idea.
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
demonic Guan-Di. As the rock-fall clatters...
waiting for the Guan-Di to emerge...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 88.
INT. KELLY’S PICK-UP/EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
they tear down the road, the last vestiges of sunlight
disappearing behind the trees...
Big ass movie-star. Haven’t you
ever heard of a TELEPHONE?! No,
DRIVING all the way back.
Thought chick’s got off on the
whole mano a mano thing.
Mano a moron, you mean...
Wait a minute.
into the back truck bed...
Don’t mess around. My demolition
supplies are back there.
What are you doing with those?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 89.
Listen, sister, maybe your idea of
a “plan” is to tap this Guan-Di on
the shoulder and “pretty-please”
him to death, but seems to me
we’re gonna need more than that.
And you think you’re can find it
in one of your old scripts?
weeks on these stories!
Gimme a break...
Rising action, character arcs, set
ups and pay offs...
Bazooka Joe comic!
reads a second, then...
This could work -- where’s the
closest oceanic oil drilling
Extensive cave systems with
cannibal bats underneath an active
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 90.
gorillas? No, wait, I died in
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
dirt road we saw Jeff and Clayton take earlier. As Bruce
(rubbing his head)
Do you even know where you’re
an old Chinese cemetary. I’m
(cuts her off)
Lady, guesswork is the last thing
we need right now.
“Jeff’s this way!”
The signs help.
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT
Bruce and Kelly pull up to the old cemetary, a waft of
dust rolling over them as they park next to Jeff’s car.
she realizes he’s gone.
Oh my God. He’s gone.
No answer. As Kelly gets more concerned.
Boy’s got any sense, he’s probably
hightailing it back to town.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 91.
If he had any sense, he wouldn’t
have called you.
around to the right, I’ll go...
(bumps into someone)
frozen in fear, his eyes wide and staring.
pulling him close in a hug, she also sees the demonic
Stay behind me.
Things heat up, Mr. Winchester’s
gonna get mighty nervous.
enters, just in front of the Guan-Di. It’s old WING, the
bowling Chinese wise man!
Mr. Campbell. So you have
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 92.
That’s right, Wing.
Destroy the protector of the dead?
You’re a fool!
Pot meet kettle, pajama-man.
Don’t you see? The demon is under
my command... exacting my revenge
against those who have scorned
me... he’s nothing more than an
What’d you say?” look.
food from his Chinese robe.
I have nothing to fear from GuanDi, for I have come with the
sacred bean curd.
WITHOUT EAN URD.
Kelly, that sign!
“Protected for those who died...
bite of the (rank) bean curd.
(curd spilling from
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 93.
While Wing is chuckling, the Guan-Di is getting seriously
blazing red with rage.
Wait a sec. Didn’t you say the
Guan-Di protects the dead --
as he glances back and sees the Guan-Di’s demonic, angry
Good poin --
off Wing’s head with one savage whack! Bean curd goes
Bruce and Kelly.
he gets an idea.
Wait, wait one minute...
There was one other script... I
did pass on it... more like a
rewrite... actually, I saved the
out of my credit...
Bruce, what is it?!
Guan-Di but at the tree branches over the Guan-Di’s head.
something like this --
toward the demon. The Guan-Di looks up as the branch
comes down --
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 94.
sends them rolling out of the graveyard...
Kelly! Jeff! Run!
HURLING BRUCE into Kelly’s pick-up. Bruce’s ass crunches
in the windshield, then he rolls off and hits the dirt.
Wait... can’t we talk this
into Bruce’s chest.
turning demonic red. He’s been
POSSESSED by the Guan-Di!
jerkily, like a puppet on a string...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 95.
Am... u... let...
EXT. WOOD - NIGHT
Hurry, Jeff, run!
But, but what about...
it there, back in his trailer).
You... released Guan-Di... took amu-let...
Bruce! What are you doing?
punch Bruce away, but he’s too strong.
For God’s sakes, Bruce! Let him
back of Bruce’s head. But the limb simply disintegrates
...took... keeeeyyyy... beaaannn
Oh God oh God oh God...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 96.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Kelly runs back into the woods. Jeff is faltering,
of bean-curd into his mouth!
Suck on that, hell-demon! Let him
his knees, head down, gasping. Not willing to take any
for a killing stroke. She hesitates, just for a moment,
I... I’m sorry...
an instant we don’t know if this is real or Memorex-Demon
HE LOOKS UP. His eyes clear, back to normal. Slowly
shaking his head “no” as he stands, savoring Kelly’s
You’re sorry. That bean-curd
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 97.
Son of a b*tch, you tried to kill
No... it was the demon... the one
And this... is what it’s after.
(glaring at Jeff)
Genius here took it when he
unleashed Hari-Kari-Larry. It’s a
sacred amulet, the one that brings
peace to the Guan-Di and the souls
of the dead. You know. Just THE
WHOLE REASON WE’RE HERE!
Easy. We can play the blame game
later. Question is, what do we do
What else you got in that truck of
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
standee, toward a
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 98.
the dynamite plunger.
serious hard-on for yours truly.
When he spots my puss on his
doorstep he’s gonna go Pearl
Harbor, and that’s when we drop
the mountain on his Jackie-Chan
Yeah. That’s our only standee.
But right now it’s our only...
Jesus. He’s coming back.
Jeff in the eye.
just want you both to know...
Kelly and Jeff both take a breath, like they know the
dragging me out here.
nears the cave entrance...
Hold... hold it... wait until he’s
inside the cave...
entrance and REARS BACK, GROWLING. With a samurai
change, it runs at the standee, blade high.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 99.
He’s seen it! Easy... easy...
into the cave entrance, the Guan-Di STOPS. Like it
senses something’s wrong.
He’s not buying it! Sh*t! That’s
a great likeness, too.
What are we going to do?
he’s about to do this...
Wait here. I’m going in.
Bruce, wait! That’s suicide!
You’d better do it.
Bruce, the Guan-Di’s going to be
looking for you.
(takes gun back)
All right. I’ll try to lure him
into the cave. The second he does
inside, you drop that plunger.
Bruce is about to take off when...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 100.
embrace. They look into each other’s eyes, then, just as
they’re about to kiss...
You wanna move that hand?
in a passionate embrace. Then they kiss, passionate, the
to war. As they finally break...
Another kiss like that, I could
win the lottery.
Bruce nods back to Jeff, poised over the plunger, then
All right, Top Ramen, let’s do
Jeff realizes it’s time to do the deed, but he’s frozen
over the plunger.
Mom, I... I can’t!
It... it’s Bruce Campbell!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 101.
I know how much he means to you...
world over... but right now,
you’ve got to ask yourself one
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
the blast area.
grins at them from the dusty boulders.
I... I can’t believe he’s gone.
Suddenly there’s a RATTLE of rock by the cave entrance.
They rush over and throw away some of the rocks, pulling
Bruce free. He’s battered and bloodied, but alive.
And STAY there.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 102.
them, they begin to limp away from the cave. It’s a
Just got one request, Jeff.
Next time you release an ancient
Chinese demon, call that Buffy
chick, will ya?
As they all share a movie-ending laugh...
Cut cut cut cut CUT!
out of character.
This isn’t working.
little mouthie-washie for Ms.
Romania 1992? Kissing this
broad’s like licking a cat’s ass.
PHOTOGRAPHY (the same guy we saw shooting CAVEALIEN)
steps into frame.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
What’s the problem, B.C.?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 103.
audience is going to be totally
invested in my character by this
point. We pull the ol’ “surprise,
they all die” ending, we’re gonna
(slaps Fred on the
People love me, Fred. They want
me to win.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
Don’t argue with the muse.
of “the creative process.” Finally, triumphant, like
he’s hit on the solution...
We’re moving on...
After a moment,
Sore eyes, meet sight-for. I
could use some serious feel-good
Step right up, movie-star.
Guys, guess what! I was just
accepted to Yale!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 104.
Told you that C average wouldn’t
(pulls them together)
Come on. Group hug!
eyes going wide in horror, reveal
BETWEEN THE CREDITS)
leans back from a flatbed, enraptured with the conclusion
Perfecto. Fanboy’s will be
(cocky, to editor)
Kelly’s close-up... no, make it
five... and hold on me. Then give
me a fade and a dissolve... prelap that dialogue... show me some
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 105.
Two trick endings! Get my
publicist on the phone and tell
her to book my tickets to the
Saturn Awards. ‘cause we’ve got a
Okay, Morrie, roll it again!
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"My Name Is Bruce" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 30 Nov. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/my_name_is_bruce_26958>.