My Name Is Bruce
- Year:
- 2007
- 174 Views
EXT. SAWVILLE - DUSK
OPEN on green hills, hidden under mysterious swathes of
ground fog. There’s an eerie quiet as the sun sinks and
the shadows lengthen...
PAN DOWN to a “Welcome To Sawville, Population 2649”
sign. The city’s motto, “We Came, We Sawed, We
Prospered” scrolls over a cartoon image of a sawmill.
Suddenly, an entire 12 pack of
EGGS splat the sign, yolk dripping as we HEAR METAL MUSIC
and a KID WHOOPING over the ROAR of a pick-up truck.
INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT
In the truck, two teenagers (CLAYTON and JEFF) roar down
a back road. Jeff, wearing an EVIL DEAD tee shirt, is
driving. As they approach a row of
RURAL MAIL BOXES,
Clayton, sporting a John Deere cap, finishes a beer,
tosses the empty and grabs a baseball bat from behind the
driver’s seat, noticing a pile of DVDs and comic books.
CLAYTON:
Thought I told you to ditch all
JEFF:
What’s wrong with it?
CLAYTON:
Sheesus, Jeff...
As they pass the mailboxes Clayton leans out the window
and swings, smashing the boxes and sending plumes of
letters into the air.
CLAYTON (CONT’D)
Mail’s in!
(back to Jeff)
...when are you going to grow up?
I’m trying to get you laid, but
how’s that going to happen when
first thing the chick sees is...
(grabs DVD)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
...some piece of sh*t starring
“Bruce Campbell”...
JEFF:
What did you say...?
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
Jeff suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES and the truck fishtails
to a stop, dust washing up over the cab.
INT. PICK-UP
As Clayton lurches forward then back, Jeff glares him.
JEFF:
Take it back.
CLAYTON:
What?
JEFF:
Bruce Campbell is the greatest
actor of his generation!
CLAYTON:
You’re kidding, right?
(going through boxes)
“Mindtrap?” “Alien Apocalypse?”
“Cavealien?”
JEFF:
(defensive)
Shut up! That’s a good one!
Clayton flips the box, dramatically reading the blurb.
CLAYTON:
Stryker, a rogue clone-warrior and
mankind’s last hope against the
deadly Cavealiens.”
JEFF:
Yeah? So?
CLAYTON:
Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert
wouldn’t wipe his crack with this
trash!
Jeff grabs the DVD away from him, angry.
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CONTINUED:
CLAYTON (CONT’D)
(CONTINUED)
JEFF:
Get out of the truck.
CLAYTON:
Whoa, slow down...
JEFF:
You don’t like Bruce, you walk.
CLAYTON:
I loved Army Of Darkness!
JEFF:
Everybody loved that one!
(anger abating)
But... all right.
CLAYTON:
(a *whew*)
Now, could we please go get laid?
Jeff begrudgingly puts the truck into gear, headlights
stabbing the shadows as they careen down the dusty road.
EXT. OLD CHINESE GRAVEYARD - DUSK
TIME PASSES and the truck’s headlights wash across the
dilapidated arches of an old GRAVEYARD. As the truck
rolls through the arches, pan across another
OLD, HALF-ROTTED SIGN
identifying this new location cryptically with some
painted Asian characters, along with a few broken English
words of warning: PRO ECTE FO THOSE WH DIE . BEWA E
HOSE WITHOUT EAN URD. (”Protected for those who died.
Beware those without bean curd.”) As
HEADLIGHTS stab the moonlit darkness, Jeff’s pick-up
SMASHES OVER the sign and skids to a stop. PULL OUT to
reveal a
DILAPIDATED CHINESE GRAVEYARD, nestled in the shadow of a
tall hill. Rotted sticks with faded Chinese characters
jut from the ground. Barely visible somewhere in the
background is a long abandoned mine-shaft, barely visible
in the mountainside. After a moment,
JEFF STEPS OUT OF THE TRUCK, flashlight in hand. The
BEAM dances through the darkness and across the grave
markers, some tagged with wisps of tattered cloth, others
broken and jagged. As Jeff moves up to one of the
markers, staring at it...
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CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
SOMEONE SUDDENLY GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND!
Jeff JUMPS UP with a SCREAM and turns his light,
revealing LITTLE DEBBIE. A creepy teenage Goth chick
with multiple piercings and heavy mascara.
LITTLE DEBBIE:
You scream like a girl.
Next to her looms another teenager, BIG DEBBIE. She’s
REAL big, well over six feet. Their car’s parked nearby,
hidden by the darkness.
LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)
(eying graves)
Come on, Big Debbie. Let’s check
it out.
The Debbies exchange excited “let’s check it out!” looks
and bolt to explore the graveyard.
JEFF:
Who are they?
CLAYTON:
From the Apple Festival.
JEFF:
I thought they blew us off.
CLAYTON:
They blew you off, “Evil Dead.”
(nods at Goth girl)
When I told the Mascara Queen
about this old boneyard she
practically dry-humped me on the
spot.
JEFF:
She’s kind of cute.
Clayton notices Jeff’s anxious/horny look.
CLAYTON:
Don’t worry, hard-on. Morticia’s
all yours.
(eyes on Big Debbie)
skyscraper.
As they follow the girls into the graveyard, Goth “Little
Debbie” hesitates, looking across the stones.
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CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
CLAYTON (CONT’D)
The graves haven’t been touched in
years. We’re all alone out here.
LITTLE DEBBIE:
(reverent)
It looks ancient. Historic. This
place must have meant a lot to
these people.
Suddenly Little Debbie gleefully KICKS DOWN a grave
marker.
LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)
Let’s break something!
JEFF:
As long as it’s not my heart.
Jeff makes his move on Goth Little Debbie. He’s doing a
faux Bruce Campbell riff, but Little Debbie, stomping
apart ancient grave markers, couldn’t care less.
JEFF (CONT’D)
What do you say? Gimme some
sugar, baby.
LITTLE DEBBIE:
What?
Jeff gets in front of her. Working it.
JEFF:
Come on. We can dance the “hard
to get” all night, but if this
game’s called eye-tag...
Jeff takes Little Debbie in his arms, staring with
smoldering Campbell-esque intensity into her eyes.
JEFF (CONT’D)
...your lips say I’m “it.”
Little Debbie stares at him, almost like she’s
succumbing, then she suddenly SPITS her gum in his face.
As it bounces off his nose, Jeff releases Little Debbie
and she runs across the graveyard.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Mmm. Juicy Fruit.
As the girls move off, laughing and throwing “you freak”
looks at Jeff, Clayton leans close to Jeff.
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CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
CLAYTON:
Smoooooth, “Brucie.”
Clayton takes off across the old graveyard with the
Debbies, laughing as they vandalize more Chinese graves.
Jeff just stands there, struggling to maintain his
Campbell-esque cool.
JEFF:
Your loss, baby. Your loss...
Grumpy, Jeff picks up his flashlight and continues across
the graveyard, stumbling toward an
OLD MINE SHAFT.
Broken timbers surround a landslide of boulders that have
completely blocked the entrance. As his flashlight
washes across the rocks, something GLISTENS. Jeff turns,
like he wants to tell the others he’s found something,
but in the
GRAVEYARD all he can see are flickers of flashlights,
dancing across the darkness, and distant, mocking VOICES.
CLAYTON (O.S.)
(distant)
“Here lies Hung Far Low, he dug
too deep, no Low no-mo...”
As LAUGHTER rings across the old graveyard, Jeff kneels
and grabs at the shiny object, pulling. It’s jammed in
tight, some sort of
SHINY AMULET. While Clayton and the girls continue to
yell in the darkness, Jeff pulls harder, really putting
himself into it, finally YANKING the amulet free. As
Jeff rolls back on his ass,
CAMERA pushes through the small hole into the avalanche
of rocks...
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Camera zooms in through the rock-slide, around wet cave
walls, past a broken HUMAN SKULL, until it closes on dark
red circle. It might just be a strange formation in the
rock, until
TWO RED DEMONIC EYES SUDDENLY OPEN.
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CONTINUED:
(3)Jeff backs away from the rock wall, studying the amulet
with his flashlight as he moves back into the graveyard.
Closer examination shows some faded CHINESE ETCHINGS in
the metal, and a glowering demonic face.
JEFF:
Groovy.
Suddenly, Jeff hears the faint rumble of falling rock
just behind him. Surprised, Jeff turns and shines his
light on the face of the
MINE SHAFT. A few pebbles and a puff of dust roll down.
Doesn’t look like much, and after watching for a second,
Jeff shrugs and looks back toward the graveyard.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Hey -- !
OUT OF FOCUS, behind Jeff, more rocks move as something
seems to be clawing free from the rubble. Jeff turns,
his eyes going wide as the rocks rumble free and there’s
an awful, unearthly ROAR.
JEFF (CONT’D)
OH CHRIST SH*T!!
Terrified, Jeff bolts, tucking the talisman in his pocket
GRAVEYARD. Hearing Jeff’s cries, Clayton (his hand
clamped firmly on Big Debbie’s boob) and the two girls
look over, assuming it’s a prank.
CLAYTON:
Son of a...
JEFF:
HOLY JESUS CRAPPING HELL!! RUN FOR
YOUR LIVES!!!
As Jeff races by, an oblivious Clayton continues to
fondle Big Debbie.
CLAYTON:
Wha...
Suddenly a SWORD SWOOSHES across frame. BLOOD SPRAYS.
Stunned, Big Debbie looks down at the hand still
clutching her boob, and realizes it’s been
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(CONTINUED)
CHOPPED OFF AT THE WRIST! As she SCREAMS, the mystic
blade suddenly SLASHES across her throat, blood gushing
from the wound.
JEFF races toward the pick-up as Big Debbie’s scream
stops. Suddenly something large and bloody FLIES over
his head,
CRASHING WITH A GOOEY SPLAT against the back of the
truck. As Jeff runs up, his flashlight finds Little
Debbie’s broken, bloodied body lying in a heap. Sticks
of Juicy Fruit spilling from her coat pocket.
JEFF:
SH*T!!!
INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT
Scared, Jeff jumps into the truck, fumbling for the keys.
He fires it up, engine roaring, reaching for the
gearshift when
CLAYTON staggers to the window, smearing the glass with
blood gushing from his severed arm, clearly in shock.
CLAYTON:
Don’t leave me, man!
JEFF:
AHHHH!!!!
There’s another unearthly ROAR from the released DEMON.
Terrified, Jeff PUNCHES IT. As the truck tears gravel, a
scared Jeff looks in the rearview and sees
CLAYTON staggering in the dust, illuminated by the
truck’s red tail lights. As Clayton staggers, arm
gushing blood, a large FIGURE surrounded by swirling,
windswept robes, RAISES A SWORD...
IN THE TRUCK Jeff can’t look as he drives crazily, Bruce
Campbell DVD’s sliding around on the seat...
INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - NIGHT
TIGHT on Bruce Campbell, shouting into the darkness.
BRUCE:
Hold it right there!
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CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
For an instant, we think Bruce is yelling at Jeff. But
then we pull back, revealing that Bruce is wearing some
quasi-futuristic coveralls (CAVE PATROL patch on the
shoulder) and he’s yelling at
PETRA, a sultry blonde with a thick Russian accent,
wearing the same uniform.
PETRA:
Vat’s wrong vith you, Stryker?
We’ve got the Cavealien cornered!
(“Cavealien” is pronounced as one word.) PULL BACK to
reveal Bruce and Petra standing out a cave opening,
totally unlike the mine shaft at the beginning.
BRUCE:
So transmit the scans up to DeltaBaker, plant some bio-blasters and
send out for Chinese. Your
Colonial Jarheads can handle the
shake and bake.
PETRA:
Col. Packer’s still trapped down
there!
Bruce throws a sarcastic look toward the cave.
BRUCE:
Knew there was a reason I got up
this morning.
PETRA:
You bastard!
BRUCE:
Hey! Last time I saw Packer he
tried to put me in front of a
firing squad!
Petra SLAPS Bruce across the face.
PETRA:
Coward! I should have left you on
Regula Nine!
As she swings to slap him again, Bruce catches her hand.
BRUCE:
We both know you couldn’t do that.
Petra doesn’t pull away. Her expression says she knows
Bruce is right.
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CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
PETRA:
I still can’t believe a loser like
you vas cloned from one of my dead
husband’s cells.
BRUCE:
That’s right, baby. They built me
out of your old man’s DNA. So how
about we share a little, mouth to
mouth?
PETRA:
You’re dees-gusting.
BRUCE:
I’m a man. And I’ve been wanting
to do this ever since we landed on
this rock.
As Bruce kisses her, Petra reluctantly, then
enthusiastically accepts his kiss. The erotic moment
interrupted by a gurgling NOISE off screen.
PETRA:
What the --
Bruce whips out his “blaster.”
BRUCE:
Dammit! They’re all around us!
Petra throws a sarcastic look at Bruce.
PETRA:
Vooks like you get to play soldierboy after all!
A gelatinous MONSTER suddenly appears behind Petra,
rubbery tendrils flailing. Bruce aims his futuristic
blaster and
FIRES A SPARKY BLAST into the beast. Hit, the monster
ejaculates a great spew of alien goo. A gout hits Bruce
in the face and he reacts with disgust, then SURPRISE as
MORE and MORE alien glop geysers from the monster’s
wound.
BRUCE:
Je-sus H...
Bruce raises his hands to fend off the ridiculous amount
of “alien blood.”
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CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Easy on the ichor! I think we get
the point!
DIRECTOR:
Okay, cut!
PULL BACK to reveal the cave is actually a low budget
movie set for the movie CAVEALIEN (cave-alien) 2. The
DIRECTOR, a younger guy with a boyish attitude and
glasses a half inch thick, walks onto the set as Bruce
coughs up the last of the alien goo.
DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
That was aces, Bruce. Nice work.
The myopic Director keeps walking, running head first
into a fake tree. He bounces back, like this happens all
the time.
BRUCE:
(wiping off goo)
You didn’t think it was a little
over the top?
The Director blinks behind his thick glasses.
DIRECTOR:
It’s Cavealien 2.
BRUCE:
That’s not an answer.
DIRECTOR:
Did you see Cavealien 1?
As the Director moves on, Bruce notices an overweight
male P.A. standing by craft services.
BRUCE:
Hey, Tiny. Fetch me a lemon
water, will ya?
The P.A. grabs a bottle from a nearby cooler and quickly
passes it over. Bruce gives the bottle a glance and
tosses it back at the P.A., annoyed.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Lemon. Le-mon.
(as P.A. hesitates)
Let’s go, Jumbo! Ondelay,
ondelay!
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CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
The annoyed P.A. moves off toward a craft services cart
as Petra comes up. Bruce continues to “drip” goo throughout this scene.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hey, baby, nice work. On a show
this down and dirty, it’s a relief
to be working with a professional.
Even out of character, Petra has the Russian accent.
PETRA:
(withering)
I vouldn’t know.
Bruce raises his hands, “take it easy” style,
accidentally spattering her with goo.
BRUCE:
Easy, Quick-Draw. We’re both on
the same page.
PETRA:
Veally.
BRUCE:
Sure, baby. Low budget show like
this is just a detour. A quick
cash infusion while Scorsese and
Spielberg are warming up our
chairs.
PETRA:
Who?
Bruce blinks.
BRUCE:
Sounds like you could use a little
filmmaking 101. Lucky for you,
the Professor is in.
(seductive)
I know this little bar off
cheap and the barmaids are
cheaper...
BRRRING. Petra gets a call on her cell. She takes it,
cutting Bruce off in mid-sentence.
PETRA:
Hullo? Vhy yes!
(eying Bruce)
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CONTINUED:
(4)(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
No, you’re not ee-nterrupting
anything.
As Petra wanders off, cooing into her phone...
BRUCE:
(calling after her)
Think it over!
Bruce looks out across the location, hands on his hips,
“in charge”, as the D.P. adjusts the lens on the camera.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Jimmy. I’m thinking we should go
with a ‘50 for this next shot.
D.P.
Got one up your ass?
BRUCE:
(considers, then)
Maybe a ‘75?
As Bruce continues to “consider” lens choices,
TINY THE ANGRY P.A. is standing to one side, grinning
evilly as he pees lemon-green urine into an empty “Lemon
Water” bottle. OFF this...
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT
Bruce, dressed in gaudy civilian clothes as shooting
wraps for the day, exits the soundstage, only to find
himself suddenly surrounded by a gaggle of devoted
FANS. Practically wetting themselves in Bruce’s presence.
Geek central. NO GIRLS. Not in the mood for a fan
encounter, Bruce forces a wan smile as he wades through
them.
FANS:
Bruce! Mr. Campbell! Ash!
Always prepared, Bruce whips out a stack of 8 x 10’s and
starts dealing them out like a poker player.
BRUCE:
Here ya go, one for you, one for
you, Holy Mother of God what’s
that smell --
As the fan in front of Bruce cluelessly sniffs his own
armpits, Bruce reaches in his pocket and hands him a
stick of Right Guard.
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CONTINUED:
(5)PETRA (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
It’s called deodorant. Look it up
on your “internets.”
(passing more photos)
Don’t worry, I’ve got enough for
all you little trolls...
A fan in a wheelchair rolls up and Bruce hands him a
photo. The Wheelchair Fan thrusts it right back, megademanding.
WHEELCHAIR FAN:
Mr. Campbell! Mr. Campbell! How
about an autograph?
The Wheelchair Fan holds out Bruce’s 8 x 10, but there’s
no pen.
WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)
What, no pen?
Bruce rolls his eyes and slides out a pen, scrawling his
signature.
WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)
Say cheese!
Before Bruce can answer, he’s BLINDED by a flash.
BRUCE:
Gahhhh!
WHEELCHAIR FAN:
How about five bucks for the bus?
Blinking, his eyes clearing, Bruce glares at the kid.
BRUCE:
Ever hear the theme from
“Rawhide?”
WHEELCHAIR FAN:
Huh?
Bruce lifts his foot and gives the fan’s wheelchair a
shove, sending him rolling backward down the sidewalk.
BRUCE:
“Keep them doggies rollin’...”
As Bruce continues ahead, he’s trailed by the fans and
peppered with more inane questions.
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CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
SECOND DEVOTED FAN
When you were trapped in the pit
in ARMY OF DARKNESS, how did you
get your shotgun?
THIRD DEVOTED FAN
When you kissed “Ellen” did it
turn you gay?
FOURTH DEVOTED FAN
How much wood could a woodchuck
chuck?
BRUCE:
Who cares, absolutely not and
(shoving through)
Gotta run, boys, I’m late for a
soiree.
Bruce maneuvers around to his car, a battered Ford Pinto.
As he slides in and slams the door, the fans continue to
assail him with inane questions, one of them even getting
in front of the car. Bruce
GUNS IT ANYWAY, plowing right into the guy, who shouts
his question even as he’s tumbling across the hood...
DEVOTED FAN:
Mr. Campbell, Mr. Camp...
(WOMP! He’s hit!)
...bellAHHHH...
As Bruce ROARS OFF, we can see his fans running after him
(or, in the case of the one who’s been hit, stumbling and
clutching his injured leg), shouting more questions...
DEVOTED FAN (CONT’D)
Mr. CampOWWW, Mr. CampOWWW...
Hollywood Blvd. Bruce screams up to the UNIFORMED VALET
in his Pinto, tossing the valet his keys.
BRUCE:
Park her close, chief. This won’t
take long.
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CONTINUED:
(2)Bruce enters the busy restaurant, face sour as he looks
for someone. As he passes the bar, the BARTENDER shoots
him a knowing look.
BRUCE:
Gimme a bourbon with a loaded
revolver back.
Bruce continues into the restaurant itself, spotting
MILLS TODDNER sitting alone at a table, talking on his
cell-phone and flipping through the trades. As Bruce
walks up, he points at the Variety.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hear I made the trades today.
MILLS:
Really?
BRUCE:
Yeah. My career’s in the
obituaries.
Mills closes his phone and rises, laughing at Bruce’s
“joke”, giving him a big Hollywood hug and kiss.
MILLS:
Give me some sugar, baby.
As Bruce disdainfully accepts the hug...
MILLS (CONT’D)
(re:
phone)That was the studio. They’re
crazy over the dailies from
Cavealien 2. Said you’ve never
been better.
BRUCE:
I speak English. In their world
that makes me Meryl banana-sucking
Streep.
The Bartender arrives at the table and puts a huge
tumbler of bourbon in front of Bruce.
BARTENDER:
Will that be cash, Mr. Campbell?
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(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
No. My agent Mr. Toddner will be
picking this one up.
Mills’ frown suggests he clearly wasn’t planning on
buying, but what the hell. As Bruce guzzles his drink...
MILLS:
Why not. It’s special occasion.
BRUCE:
Yeah. The night I finally fire
your polyester ass.
MILLS:
Brucie! Why all the hostility?
BRUCE:
I’m just getting warmed up. And
don’t give me that innocent look!
I’ve just spent six days of my
life making a sequel to one of the
worst movies ever made!
MILLS:
You’ve made worse.
(that didn’t help!)
Come on. The customer reviews on
Amazon were great!
BRUCE:
The ones I posted!
Bruce polishes off his drink, wincing at the burn, as
Mills motions for him to sit.
MILLS:
Park it, B.C., unload. That’s why
I’m here.
BRUCE:
It’s just... I feel like I’m
losing my muse.
Mills blinks, an “oh God, not this again” expression.
MILLS:
Say what?
BRUCE:
The innocent, child-like quality
“create”...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 17.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
While Bruce pontificates, Mills wearily motions for
another drink, spreading his fingers to indicate he’d
like a double.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
They say an actor’s life is like a
painting, a work in progress, but
how can I create my masterpiece
when my paint’s drying up, my
canvas is cracked and my brushes
are coated in fake monster blood.
Mills brings back his game face as Bruce finishes.
MILLS:
It’s Deborah, isn’t it?
BRUCE:
No.
MILLS:
It’s been almost a year since your
divorce.
BRUCE:
I said no.
MILLS:
You need to put her out of your
mind.
BRUCE:
If I say “no” three times will the
Candyman come out?!
(slides back)
Screw this. You were fired when I
walked in and you’re twice as
fired now...
As Bruce slides back, getting ready to leave...
MILLS:
Leave now, you’ll never know what
I got you for your birthday.
The moment of actual sentiment catches Bruce off guard.
BRUCE:
My birthday? You actually
remembered?
MILLS:
How could I forget? You’re my
numero uno client!
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CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
If this is another Matthew Perry
movie...
MILLS:
Better.
BRUCE:
Give me a hint.
MILLS:
BRUCE:
Goddamn it, Mills!
MILLS:
Let’s just say it’s going to be
the best birthday you’ve ever had.
(snapping fingers)
Garcon! Bring Mr. Campbell
another highball! And pretzels
all around! Tonight we celebrate!
OFF Bruce sorely tempted, easily suckered by Mills’ offer
of a snazzy birthday present...
Mills and Bruce exit together, Bruce three-sheets drunk
and stumbling while Mills continues to console him.
BRUCE:
(slurring)
Happy birthday... to me... happy
birthday... to muhhhh...
Bruce grabs Mill’s face with both hands, squeezing it.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
I wuv you, man.
MILLS:
(“I know you do.”)
Uh ow ah ou.
Bruce releases Mills as Mills’ Porsche Boxster comes up.
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CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
MILLS (CONT’D)
Enjoy what you’ve got, Bruce. You
know how many wannabe Oliviers
would quick-lime their
Grandmothers for a career like
yours?
Sloppy drunk and emotional, Bruce lunges at Mills again,
trying to squeeze his face.
BRUCE:
Would ‘ou be my Grandmama?
MILLS:
No. But thanks for the offer.
Mills manages to duck him this time and duck into his
car. As Mills pulls out, Bruce motions to the valet, who
trots off to get Bruce’s car.
BRUCE:
Maybe he’s right. Hell, I am a
lucky fella. I’ve got my
health...
(racking cough)
...JE-sus... my divorce is almost
final...
(getting angry)
...lousy whore...
(revving up)
...and I’ve got my fans... my
loyal fans... who hated my last
movie... hated my last five
movies... me and my wonderful,
wonderful FANS...
As if on unfortunate cue, Bruce hears a “clop THUD clop
THUD” as the limping fan he ran down at the studio
hobbles toward him.
DEVOTED FAN:
Mr. Campbell, Mr. Campbe...
BRUCE:
Lucky friggin’ ME!!
WUMP! Bruce throws a punch into the limping fan’s gut.
Stunned, the fan drops to his knees, holding out the
autographed photo he got earlier from Bruce as...
BRUCE’S PINTO pulls up, the Valet screeching it to a halt
in a haze of exhaust. The Valet steps out, holding out
his hand for a tip, and Bruce plucks the photo from the
gasping fan’s hand and passes it to the Valet.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 20.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Merry Christmas.
As Bruce roars off, swerving into the street, the gasping
Devoted Fan grabs to get back his photo.
DEVOTED FAN:
Give it back! That’s mine!
The fan and the Valet get into a pitched fight over the
glossy as the Pinto roars off into the distance...
A POLICE CAR is driving down a lonely stretch of road.
Uniformed Officer KELBO behind the wheel. 30ish,
moustache, typical small town cop. As he drives, we can
hear POLICE CALLS over the radio.
DISPATCHER (RADIO)
Kelbo, this is dispatch. We’re
getting calls about weird noises
in the woods off Crescent, over.
COP’S VOICE (RADIO)
Roger that. I’m coming up on
Crescent now, over.
As Kelbo hangs up the microphone, suddenly
A BIRD HITS THE WINDSHIELD OF HIS CAR!
Startled, Kelbo hits the brakes and goes into a sideways
skid, stopping by the side of the road. He’s in the
middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods.
KELBO:
Damn.
Kelbo steps out of the car to check the damage. The
impact has spider-webbed the windshield and left spatters
of blood on the white hood. Disgusted, Kelbo starts
wiping up the blood on the hood. But as he cleans a
patch, suddenly
MORE BLOOD APPEARS. Then blood drips on his hand. With
dawning apprehension, Kelbo realizes the blood is
dripping down from above. He slowly turns, looking up...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 21.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
INTO THE SHADOWED FACE OF THE CHINESE DEMON! There’s a
silvery GLINT. A blade SLASHES forward. OFF Kelbo’s
aborted SCREAM...
EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The Pinto winds down a scrubby driveway and pulls up to a
dilapidated
TRAILER HOUSE:
in the middle of nowhere, banging over a row of garbage
cans. Still drunk, Bruce gets out, grabbing a grubby
suitcase from the back of the car. He stagger-walks to
the door, walking over a mess of gathering mail, mostly
magazines like HUSTLER, JUGGS, 40 D-CUPPER...
INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Cradling the magazines and mail in his arms, Bruce pushes
the door open and enters, tossing the mail on a couch.
We HEAR the tinkle-bell of a dog collar and little feet
rustling as Bruce’s arrival arouses his dog.
BRUCE:
Here boy. Come’mere, Sam’nRob.
The little dog enters the front room, stops at Bruce’s
feet and GROWLS MENACINGLY.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Whatsamatter boy? Whatsamatter
with poor widdle Sam’nRob?
The little dog continues to SNARL until Bruce remembers
something. He pulls a brown paper bag from his jacket
pocket and pulls out a pint of cheap bourbon. He
unscrews the top and pours it into a doggie bowl.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Thought I forgot, didn’t you?
As “Sammy” starts to drink greedily from the bowl, Bruce
idly checks some of the “envelope” mail. Virtually every
letter has red ink on it and says something about “FINAL
NOTICE” or “THIRD REMINDER.” He tosses the mail and
plops down in front of his ancient
BLACK AND WHITE TELEVISION, replete with coat-hanger
rabbit ears. Using a primitive remote, he switches the
set on and gets a static ridden image of an
“Entertainment Tonight” type announcer on a studio set.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 22.
CONTINUED:
INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SET
(Still in Bruce’s B/W) The ANNOUNCER WOMAN is finishing a
typical ET/Access Hollywood type story...
ANNOUNCER:
...studio sources say Tom Hanks’
next project will be released next
Summer...
BRUCE:
(mocking voice)
Duh duh, “Bubba Gump,” yup yup
yup...
ANNOUNCER:
Next, we take a scarrrry look at
the life and times of B-movie
horror star Bruce Campbell...
IN BRUCE’S LIVING ROOM, the thought of a actual publicity
gives Bruce a smile. He tips up his bourbon bottle,
toasting the screen.
BRUCE:
Now we’re cookin’!
A Photo of a smiling Bruce appears on screen, followed by
the chironed letters: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
ANNOUNCER:
Campbell, best known for his roles
in the horrific Evil Dead films,
appears to have disappeared from
the entertainment scene...
Stunned, Bruce SPITS out a spew of bourbon.
BRUCE:
Huh?!
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, our “Where Are They Now”
reporter Charlie Payne takes an
affectionate look back on a
promising career that many feel
was squandered on low budget
trash...
Bruce drains his pint and PITCHES the empty bottle at the
TV, hitting the off-button.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 23.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Those BASTARDS!!
Staggering, enraged, Bruce goes to a cupboard and
rummages through a half dozen empty whiskey bottles.
There isn’t another drop in the house.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
They’re making me sound like a hasbeen! Like I’m all washed up...
Desperate for more booze, Bruce notices “SamNRob” still
lapping at the bourbon Bruce poured into his bowl. Bruce
suddenly drops to his knees and grabs the bowl away from
the snarling dog.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
They’re making me look pathetic!
Bruce tips up the filthy doggie bowl and gulps down the
rest of the bourbon, booze spilling down his shirt,
enraged at his depiction on the show. OFF this moment...
INT. DEBORAH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bruce’s ex-wife DEBORAH, 30’s and attractive, is rolling
over in bed, fumbling sleepily with the phone. The light
up clock next to her bed says 3:14 AM.
DEBORAH:
Oh God...
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bruce’s on his bed, hair sticking out wildly, tanked,
phone cradled against his shoulder.
BRUCE:
Hey, Deb. It’s me.
DEBORAH:
What now, Bruce?
BRUCE:
I was just, you know, celebrating
the almost-wrap of my latest
picture... just one more day...
Bruce’s dog GROWLS LOUDLY off camera.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 24.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
DEBORAH:
You got into the dog’s bowl again.
BRUCE:
(yelling at dog)
QUIET! Selfish mutt...
DEBORAH:
It’s your birthday, isn’t it?
Every year, it’s the same old
“poor me” routine.
BRUCE:
Can’t a guy get bombed and call
his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning
without it “meaning” something?
DEBORAH:
Bruce, I talked to Mills.
BRUCE:
Yeah? What did ol’ ten percent
have to say?
DEBORAH:
Just that you were depressed. So
he’s planning something special
for your birthday.
BRUCE:
(perks up)
Did he say what?
DEBORAH:
It’s a surprise!
BRUCE:
Come on...
DEBORAH:
Bruce...
BRUCE:
(annoying baby-talk)
Pweese pweese pweese Debwah...
DEBORAH:
I’m hanging up...
Bruce’s face falls.
BRUCE:
No, don’t. I’m sorry, baby.
(sniffling)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 25.
CONTINUED:
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
How did things get so messed up
between us?
DEBORAH:
You slept with the dog sitter.
BRUCE:
One stupid mistake...
DEBORAH:
All of them.
BRUCE:
Twelve stupid mistakes. I was
mixed up, crazy... God, I miss you
and the kids...
DEBORAH:
What kids?
BRUCE:
The ones we would have had, if
we’d just held on...
Deborah takes a breath.
DEBORAH:
Bruce? It wasn’t the cheating or
the boozing or the endless whining
that killed our marriage. You
just couldn’t commit. To our
relationship, your career, to much
of anything...
(getting mean)
Go ahead. Name one single thing
Drunk, Bruce has to think a second, then finally:
BRUCE:
Dogs always had a sitter...
SLAM *CLICK* buzzzzz. Bruce just sits there, mulling
drunkenly over his life of missed opportunities...
IN DEBORAH’S BEDROOM, Deborah hangs up the phone and
rolls over, revealing MILLS, Bruce’s agent, lying in bed
beside her.
MILLS:
Gimme some sugar, baby.
As Deborah GIGGLES and they kiss...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 26.
CONTINUED:
(2)BRUCE (CONT'D)
INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
THUD THUD THUD. Someone’s banging on the trailer house
door. Bruce, hair sticking out, face pale, looking like
a walking hangover, stumbles toward the door.
BRUCE:
Keep your pants on fer Chrissakes,
it’s four in the friggin’
mornin’...
Bruce throws open the door and... nobody’s there.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Ho ho. Very funny.
He stands there a second, bleary and blinking, then
notices something glistening at his feet. Curious, he
bends down and reaches for a SHINY NEW QUARTER.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Saaayyyy. A brand new quar--
Suddenly a metal baseball bat swings down and CRACKS HIM
across the back of the head. As Bruce drops, CUT TO
BLACK.
As an engine rumbles, Bruce, jammed in the trunk, wakes
up. Dazed, he lifts his head and CRACKS it against the
trunk lid. Cramped, barely able to move, he slowly
realizes where he is.
BRUCE:
What the hell -- ?
He pushes against the trunk lid, trying to force it open.
No good. Annoyed, he starts to YELL.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hey! HEY!!! Lemme out of here!
The car hits a hard BUMP, jarring Bruce, as JEFF’S
JEFF (O.S.)
Mr. Campbell? Are you okay?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 27.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Who are you? Who hit me?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Jeff is behind the wheel, driving down a dark highway.
JEFF:
Uhh, that would be me. Sorry!
BRUCE:
(sarcastic)
Oh. Well. As long as you’re
sorry...
JEFF:
Really?
They hit another bump, slamming Bruce up against the
trunk lid.
BRUCE:
OWW!! NO!!!
(kicking at lid)
Let me out of here, you psycho
freak!
JEFF:
I can’t. Not until we get to
town.
(helpful)
I put some Twinkies and a couple
magazines in the side pocket. And
there’s a flashlight next to the
spare.
Disgruntled but not really knowing what else to do, Bruce
finds the flashlight and switches it on. Near his head
he finds a couple issues of FANGORIA and RUE MORGUE. As
Bruce stares at the mags in disbelief...
BRUCE:
No no no...
JEFF:
I know you’re probably sore and
tired and suffering from a
concussion, but... is it true
Cavealien?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 28.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
What?!
JEFF:
That’s probably my favorite movie
of all time!
BRUCE:
Oh my God. He’s a fan. (screaming)
HELP!!! HELP!!!
BAM! Another bump slams Bruce’s head again.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
GAWW! For God’s sake, could you
at least go easy on the bumps?
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
As Jeff’s car speeds down the road, reveal a sign: “ROUGH
ROAD NEXT 75 MILES.” As the car bumps along...
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
A FARMER steps out his front door with a shotgun, looking
off his porch into the darkness. His WIFE stands behind
him, anxious.
WIFE:
What is it, Hank?
HANK:
I don’t know. Thought I heard
something in the barn.
Serious, he PUMPS his shotgun.
HANK (CONT’D)
Stay inside. Bolt the door.
Don’t open it, no matter what you
hear!
Scared, the wife closes the door.
INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Her back against the door, the Wife listens as Hank’s
footsteps crunch off toward the barn. A barn door CREAKS
open. The footsteps enter, fading away.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 29.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Then suddenly there are MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS! The Wife
GASPS, shocked.
WIFE:
Oh dear Lord...
She hears frantic running, then something SLAMS against
the door. POUNDS AGAINST THE WOOD.
HANK (O.S.)
Open the door! Open the door!!
For Christ’s sake, OPEN THE DOOR!
Terrified, the Wife throws open the door... only to find
her husband Hank standing there, LAUGHING. It was a sick
practical joke.
HANK (CONT’D)
Haw haw haw!!
WIFE:
You bastard! I can’t believe you
punked me like that!
HANK:
You should have seen your face!
Told you to never open the do--
Suddenly a SAMURAI BLADE erupts through Hank’s chest. He
looks down, gasping in shock, blood spilling from the
wound... the eerie silhouette of
THE CHINESE DEMON visible behind him. OFF this...
EXT. SAWVILLE - DAY
The “Welcome To Sawville” sign, still dripping with
(dried and yucky) egg yolk. A hand reaches in and
changes the population number “2649” into “2646” with a
quick stroke of paint...
Bruce is lying, cramped and half asleep, when the trunk
lid suddenly flies open and he’s doused in bright
sunshine. Wincing in the light, a sticky Twinkie wrapper
stuck to his cheek, Bruce JUMPS UP and suddenly FREEZES.
BRUCE:
Uhhhh...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 30.
CONTINUED:
EXT. SAWVILLE - MAIN STREET - DAY
PULL BACK to reveal Jeff’s car surrounded by two dozen
Sawville townfolk, all rural types, who let out a semirousing CHEER as Bruce staggers out of the trunk.
TOWNSFOLK:
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
BRUCE:
What th --
The bearded MAYOR of Sawville steps forward,
authoritative, offering his hand to a bewildered Bruce.
MAYOR:
Welcome to Sawville, Mr. Campbell!
BRUCE:
“Sawville?”
(peels off Twinkie
wrapper)
Where the f*** is “Sawville?”
Jeff, wearing a CAVEALIEN tee-shirt, rushes around from
the driver’s side of the car, surprised by Bruce’s
outburst. Trying to calm him.
JEFF:
Easy, man. That’s the Mayor!
BRUCE:
I don’t care if he’s the King of
Kiss-My-Ass-ia! I just spent six
hours in a TRUNK. I want some
answers, chop chop!
Bruce waits, looking out across the stunned/dull faces of
the Townsfolk, momentarily locking eyes with
KELLY, 30-ish and pretty. It’s a “love at first sight”
moment for Bruce, complete with a slow motion “hair
shake” from Kelly. He attempts a suave gesture, despite
the “bed head” hairdo from his trunk ride.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Holy --
(recovering)
Don’t worry, sweet-stuff. When
I’m done with these yokels, I’ve
got a pair of lips with your name
on ‘em.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 31.
(CONTINUED)
She holds Bruce’s look for a moment, almost like she’s
going to respond, then she shakes her head again, this
time in utter disdain.
KELLY:
You’ve got to be kidding.
As Kelly pulls away from the crowd. Bruce snaps back
into “I’m pissed!” mode.
BRUCE:
Well?! Don’t all talk at once!
One of the Townfolk tries another desultory cheer.
TOWN GUY:
Hip hip...
(no one is helping)
Uhh...
BRUCE:
Maybe you don’t get “moving
pichters” in this fart-hole, so
let me explain something. I’m a
“movie star.” Tinseltown.
Lights, camera, etc.? When Bruce
Campbell says frog, production
assistants jump!
(leaning into it)
I even know Sam Raimi!
There’s a muffled, awed “ooooh” from the crowd.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
So when you kidnapped me, you
didn’t just commit a crime against
me... this is a crime against art!
(looks at watch)
In fact, I was due on set three
hours ago. You can bet they’ll
pull out the stops to get me back!
To amplify this point, we suddenly CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - DAY
The myopic Director peers through his coke bottle
glasses, setting up what looks like the tenth scene of
the day, his cameraman nearby.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 32.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
ON SET, Petra, her uniform unzipped to reveal
considerable cleavage, is in the clutches of the
Cavealien creature, which looks remarkably notfrightening from this angle.
DIRECTOR:
Okay, looks good...
(squinting)
Wait a second. What are those
bulges on his chest?
D.P.
Breasts. That’s Petra.
DIRECTOR:
(squints again)
Thought it was Bruce.
D.P.
A-hole didn’t show up. Bob from
the machine shop is going to play
him for the rest of the shoot.
The D.P. hooks a thumb toward a guy who looks nothing
like Bruce, but is wearing Bruce’s space uniform while
covering the bottom half of his face with a cape, like
Dracula. (This is a direct homage to PLAN NINE FROM
OUTER SPACE, where the awful double for a dead Bela
Lugosi covered his face with a cape.)
The Director considers a moment, then shrugs.
DIRECTOR:
Oh. Okay.
(to Petra)
Action!!
CUT BACK to Bruce exactly where we left him before the
cutaway, still checking his watch.
BRUCE:
So as much as I’d love to stick
around until the FBI rips you griteaters a new one...
JEFF:
But your agent said you were
“between jobs.”
Bruce shakes his head in disbelief.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 33.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
You called my agent?
JEFF:
He was very helpful.
BRUCE:
That couldn’t have been Toddner...
Bruce stops. Dawning realization washing over him.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. What else did he
say?
JEFF:
Just something about not booking
you on your birthday...
BRUCE:
Birthday...? Birthday...? Say...
As this sinks in, a light comes on for Bruce. His
birthday? He suddenly looks at the Mayor and Townfolk
through new eyes.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Mills, you magnificent bastard.
When you said you had a
“surprise” in store...
More blank looks. They have no idea what Bruce is
talking about.
MAYOR:
Mr. Campbell, I realize this is
rather... unorthodox, but Jeffrey
tells us your skills extend beyond
the Thespian...
(dramatic beat)
And the town of Sawville
desperately needs your help.
Bruce sees the Mayor through new eyes, assessing his
performance.
BRUCE:
That’s good. You’re good.
MAYOR:
(perplexed)
Thank you...?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 34.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Bruce considers a moment, rubbing his aching head, then
makes a decision.
BRUCE:
Let’s say I decide to play along.
What’s next?
MAYOR:
Well, uhh, we’ve arranged a
presentation at City Hall.
Rejuvenated, Bruce glances over the heads of the
Townsfolk and notices cute Kelly entering an official
looking building.
BRUCE:
(re:
Kelly)Is that where Miss Make-My-Day is
headed?
MAYOR:
As a matter of fact...
Bruce smiles, definitely getting into the “ruse.”
BRUCE:
Lead the way, gents!
The Mayor, Jeff and the other Townfolk gather in the
town’s small “town hall”, outfitted with benches and a
slide projector in the middle of the chairs. As Bruce
enters, he makes a point of looking for
KELLY. She’s sitting between two FARMERS, but Bruce
doesn’t care. He pushes down the crowded row...
FARMER:
Ow... my foot!
FARMER #2
Aghh, my corns!
BRUCE:
(to farmer by Kelly)
Yo, Jimmy Dean. You’re in my
seat.
The Farmer scoots down and Bruce squeezes in next to
Kelly. The slide projector is right behind Bruce’s
shoulder. Kelly shoots Bruce a cold look but holds her
tongue.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 35.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(whispering)
You’re probably can’t break
character, but I gotta tell you,
you guys really had me going.
KELLY:
What?
BRUCE:
For a second I thought I was in a
remake of “Deliverance” and
somebody was about to tell me to
go “soo-eeey!”
As Kelly reacts poorly to the slur, the oblivious Bruce
offers his hand.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Sorry, I should have introduced
myself. I’m Bruce. Bruce
Campbell.
Kelly unenthusiastically shakes Bruce’s hand.
KELLY:
Kelly Graham.
BRUCE:
Graham. Bet all the boys go
“crackers” over you.
KELLY:
(not amused)
Ha ha ha.
BRUCE:
Me, I could have sworn your name
was Daisy.
KELLY:
Why?
BRUCE:
Because I have this crazy urge to
“plant” one on you.
Aghast, Kelly starts to get up.
KELLY:
I have to go...
But as Kelly rises, the Mayor and Jeff motion for her to
stay put. They don’t want to rile Bruce back up.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 36.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
As she reluctantly sits back down, more people enter and
take seats. The Mayor goes to the front of the room,
standing next to a projector screen.
MAYOR:
Mr. Campbell, if you’re ready?
BRUCE:
Knock yourself out, Whiskers.
As the lights dim, Bruce lounges back, elbows on the back
of his chair, a cocky look, like he loves being the
center of attention...
MAYOR:
As we all know, Sawville was
mining country before the logging
industry moved in...
FIRST SLIDE:
A shot of an old mine entrance.MAYOR (CONT’D)
In the late 1860’s, hundreds of
Chinese immigrants came to our
shores to help work the claims.
SECOND SLIDE:
Photo of a modern Chinese Restaurant.While the slides continue, Bruce continues his line of
patter with poor Kelly.
BRUCE:
Kelly’s an Irish name, isn’t it?
(bad Irish accent)
Maybe later you can show me your
“Lucky Charms.”
As Kelly squirms at Bruce’s attempts to “charm” her...
MAYOR:
The largest mine was the Triple
T., run with an iron fist by the
legendary Thomas T. Tripletee.
THIRD SLIDE:
A photo of a harsh looking man with ahandlebar moustache. Dressed in 1860-style finery.
MAYOR (CONT’D)
At her height, the Triple T
employed hundreds of Chinese
immigrant laborers. They worked
long hours, in harsh and primitive
conditions, surviving on rice and
bean curd...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 37.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
FOURTH SLIDE:
A historical photo of overworked Chineselaborers standing in front of a primitive mine. They
look bedraggled and skinny. Bruce nudges Kelly.
BRUCE:
You want primitive, you should
have seen craft services on my
last picture! Licorice sticks
were like tent stakes!
Kelly glares at Bruce, incredulous.
MAYOR:
Then disaster struck. A cave-in.
Over a hundred Chinese workers
were buried alive. Sawville was
devastated...
FOURTH SLIDE:
Photo of the front page of the local paper,“The Sawville Gazette”, circa 1860. The big headline
reads:
CAVE IN CLOSES TRIPLE T. Next headline: FOREMANSUFFERS BROKEN LEG. Next headline (smallest): CALL GOES
MAYOR (CONT’D)
Soon after, rumors began to spread
of a curse.
FIFTH SLIDE:
A colorful image of the “Guan-Di” warrior, amythical Samurai with flowing robes, glowing red eyes and
a deadly sword.
MAYOR (CONT’D)
Legend has it that a Chinese demon
spirits of all those who died.
SIXTH SLIDE:
A shadowy, out of focus image of the ChineseDemon, barely visible but pretty damn creepy.
MAYOR (CONT’D)
An amateur photographer captured
this image almost fifty years ago,
when the demon was last thought
active... in fact this is the only
copy of that rare photo...
BRUCE:
(blowing it off)
Yeah, yeah, real scary.
(to Kelly)
Look, baby, when this is over, how
about you and me sharing a bottle
of Chateau La Partydown?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 38.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
KELLY:
I barely know you!
BRUCE:
Couple glasses of Sawville’s
finest and we’ll be the best of
friends. I may not be Fred
Flintstone, but trust me, I can
still make your “bed rock”...
Kelly suddenly explodes.
KELLY:
That’s it! You are, without a
doubt, the rudest, crudest, most
insincere jackass I’ve ever met!
As she stands, Bruce also rises, his arm bumping the
slide projector and jamming the lens against the hot
bulb. As the precious demon image MELTS AND BURNS...
BRUCE:
Crude?!
(loud, to room)
died?
As Kelly tries to get down the row, the Mayor desperately
tries to salvage the situation.
MAYOR:
We need a champion, Mr. Campbell.
A warrior who understands these
dark forces.
Bruce glances over his shoulder, looks over the group.
BRUCE:
Great. Want me to pick somebody?
MAYOR:
Actually, Jeff told us that you
had some... experience with evil
spirits.
BRUCE:
Moi? Gents, you got me all wr...
Suddenly there’s the hideous SCREECH of FINGERNAILS on a
blackboard, followed by a wizened CACKLE from the back of
the room. All eyes turn toward the rear of the hall and
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 39.
CONTINUED:
(4)(CONTINUED)
WING, a small, elderly Chinese man with a wispy goatee,
wearing traditional Chinese robes. He has brought a
small portable chalkboard just to make the screech noise.
WING:
Be warned. He who confronts the
Guan-Di confronts death itself.
Bruce slips down the aisle and walks back to Wing.
BRUCE:
Hello, second act escalation.
(to Mayor)
What’s with the fortune cookie?
MAYOR:
His name is Wing. The last living
descendant of the dead laborers.
For punctuation, Wing scratches his nails across the
blackboard again. Bruce winces and grabs the blackboard
away from him, tosses it aside.
BRUCE:
“Jaws.” We get it.
WING:
The Guan-Di has been unleashed
from his resting place.
As Wing says this, he looks straight Jeff, who winces
guiltily. Bruce, meanwhile, misunderstands “Guan-Di” for
“Gandhi.”
BRUCE:
Always figured this “Gandhi” fella
for being some sorta pushover in a
diaper...
WING:
The Guan-Di is a great warrior.
Protector of the dead, savior of
the innocent and of bean curd...
BRUCE:
Bean curd?
WING:
It’s a Chinese thing.
(intense)
The graves of the dead were
disturbed and the Guan-Di will not
rest until this sacrilege has been
avenged.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 40.
CONTINUED:
(5)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
And when exactly will that happen?
WING:
When every blood relative of the
one responsible lies rotting in
the Earth.
Oddly, Bruce brightens at that.
BRUCE:
Well hell. There can’t be that
many.
(looks across room)
Blood relatives, raise your hands.
Virtually every hand in the City Hall goes up.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Remind me to lock my door tonight.
WING:
(points at Bruce)
He will continue to kill, and with
interfere... will die...
A light bulb suddenly EXPLODES overhead, sending a shower
of sparks down on the frightened crowd. Everyone turns,
including Bruce. Then someone looks back toward Wing and
GASPS.
TOWN GUY:
Wing’s gone!
TOWN GUY 2
He’s gone!
Bruce turns and sure enough, Wing has disappeared. As
the Townsfolk murmur uneasily, Bruce looks out the
window...
Bruce sees Wing walking nonchalantly down the sidewalk,
clutching a bowling ball bag.
BRUCE:
Uhh --
Bruce is about to tell the people in the hall about his
“Wing spotting” when the Mayor SHOUTS over the voices.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 41.
CONTINUED:
(6)(CONTINUED)
MAYOR:
Mr. Campbell, the future of
Sawville rests in your hands.
The place goes silent. Waiting for Bruce’s response.
Bruce gauges them, then...
BRUCE:
Lemme get this straight. One of
your boys goes Giambi on my skull,
locks me in a trunk and drags me
to hayseed central... and now you
expect me to lay my life on the
line against some supernatural
hell-spawn?
The Mayor looks at the other townfolk, shrugs.
MAYOR:
Ehh, more or less.
Bruce looks across the desperate Townies. His face is
arrogant until he spots Kelly, standing by the door,
hesitating as she awaits his answer.
BRUCE:
Lucky for you, I find myself at a
crossroads in my life. Struggling
to find the artist, the “hero”
that I know still lies deep inside
me.
The faces go from desperate to blank. But everyone
continues to listen.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Maybe that’s why I’m here, to
rekindle that spirit.
(revving himself up)
It’s the ultimate acting
challenge. “Method” times ten, a
way to reclaim my dying muse...
MAYOR:
Will you help us, Mr. Campbell?
Bruce sucks in his gut, puffs out his chest and strikes a
heroic pose.
BRUCE:
Can.
(pregnant pause)
And will!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 42.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
As CHEERS erupt from the grateful crowd and Bruce exults
in their “love”...
INT. JEFF’S CAR - DAY
Bruce rides in the passenger seat as Jeff drives. Bruce
is leaning back in the seat, waving like a Rose Parade
Princess as they pass overjoyed pedestrians.
BRUCE:
So you’re telling me the whole
town’s in on this?
JEFF:
(puzzled)
Well, yeah.
BRUCE:
Guess it’s like some crazy fundraiser, huh? Instead of a bakesale, you turn your town into
Demonsville for a few weeks a
year.
JEFF:
No... I mean...
(distraught)
My friend Clayton was killed by
this thing. I had to do
something.
Bruce nods knowingly, thinking Jeff’s still trying to
stay in character.
BRUCE:
That’s cool. Professional
courtesy. No more questions.
(looks out window)
So what’s next, kid?
JEFF:
Town’s throwing a party for you
tonight. Sort of a send off
before you head into battle.
(tentative smile)
Something I’d like to show you
first.
Jeff pulls off the road and turns up a driveway, driving
past a house toward a TRAILER parked on a hill. As they
approach, Bruce’s jaw drops open. The trailer is dead
ringer for his Victorville digs.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 43.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
You gotta be shittin’ me.
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
The door pushes in and Jeff ushers the perplexed but
still game Bruce through the door. As they enter, the
lights are off and the front room is in shadow. Jeff
reaches for the light switch and clicks it on, and
BRUCE STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. Jeff’s trailer is a virtual
shrine to all things Bruce Campbell. There are movie
posters, scripts and 8 x 10 glossies... DVDs, videos and
laserdiscs... scrapbooks of newspaper articles, trade
ads, Bruce’s books, etc.
BRUCE:
Kid, if your last name’s “Lector”
I’m outta here...
Jeff shrugs, self-conscious but still proud.
JEFF:
Guess I am kind of a fan.
Stunned, Bruce looks around the collection. There’s a
demon mask from the first EVIL DEAD. A bottle of bug goo
from ALIEN APOCALYPSE. A shoulder patch from the
CAVEALIEN movie.
BRUCE:
“Kinda?” Only thing missing is a
stool sample!
Bruce notices the Chinese Amulet that Jeff stole from the
graveyard hanging from a Bruce action figure. Bruce
grabs the amulet, checking it out.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
This doesn’t ring a bell...
Jeff grabs it back, stuffing it in his pocket.
JEFF:
That’s... personal.
Oblivious, Bruce keeps looking, surprised to find a photo
of him with his ex-wife Deborah tucked in with the other
memorabilia. Touched by the old photo, which had been
taken in happier times, Bruce takes it off the shelf.
BRUCE:
Where did you get this?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 44.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
JEFF:
Www.photos-of-bruce-campbell-withhis-ex-wife-deborah dot com.
(watching Bruce)
You... miss her, don’t you?
Bruce stares at the photo.
BRUCE:
Guess I do. But sometimes things
happen between people that you
just can’t take back.
JEFF:
Like the dog-sitters?
Bruce does a double-take.
BRUCE:
How the hell --
JEFF:
It was in Fangoria!
(as Bruce recovers)
Look, I know this was a huge
imposition, Mr. Campbell, so
whatever you need, just let me
know.
Bruce can’t help it. He’s starting to like this kid.
BRUCE:
First of all, “Mr. Campbell” makes
soup. You can call me Bruce.
Bruce sniffs his arm pits, grimacing.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
And if you really wanna get on my
good side, fetch me a bottle of
Jack, a bar of soap, then point me
toward the nearest motel with hot
water and a naked cheerleaders
channel.
JEFF:
(thinking)
Hmm. Closest motel is the Pink
Lumberjack...
Bruce tightens at that.
BRUCE:
Keep going.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 45.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
JEFF:
Then there’s the Manflower on
Route 99, Ryan’s Rear-Entry on Old
Prescott Road, and...
BRUCE:
Maybe I’ll just spruce up here.
Jeff is thrilled. A visit from his hero!
JEFF:
Really? Wow! Great! I brought
trailer.
BRUCE:
That’s wonderful, kid...
Bruce is about to respond when he notices a shelf of handlabelled video tapes.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Jesus God. You actually have
every episode of Jack Of All
Trades?
JEFF:
Yeah. Want to watch one?
Bruce reluctantly tosses his jacket across the couch.
BRUCE:
OFF Jeff’s hero-worshipping smile...
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
The Chinese cemetery visible out front. Wing, the
Chinese Man, moves through the old stones toward the
foreboding cave site.
WING:
(to “ancestors”)
They allowed you to die... left it
to the few who survived to tend
your spirits...
EXT. CAVE - DAY
Wing goes up to the cave and sits at the entrance, the
wind whistling eerily around him.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 46.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
WING:
I pray to you, Guan-Di, for
vengeance. I pray for you to
destroy them all...
(with intensity)
Especially the demon-fighter
known... as Campbell...
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
Bruce steps out of the trailer’s bathroom, dressed in
fresh clothes, still toweling his hair dry. Curious,
Bruce holds out a small bottle with an “EVIL DEAD” logo
but Japanese lettering identifying the actual product.
BRUCE:
wash your blues away!
(holding out bottle)
Where the heck did you find this
“Evil Dead” shampoo?
JEFF:
That’s drain cleaner!
Bruce stops drying his head, looking down as a big CLUMP
of hair falls from the towel.
BRUCE:
That would explain the burning
sensation.
Gingerly, Bruce tosses the towel aside, catching the
worshipful look from Jeff.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(off Jeff’s look)
What?
Jeff realizes he’s been staring and looks away, a little
embarrassed.
JEFF:
It’s just... you’re going up
against the Guan-Di tonight and
you’re not even scared.
Bruce looks at Jeff, assuming this is part of his
birthday present.
BRUCE:
Compared to Kandarian devils, this
Guan-Di cat’s no biggie-mo.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 47.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
JEFF:
Really?
BRUCE:
Look, kid, when you’re in the hero
business, there are only two
things you need to know. One,
monsters are mostly pussies. Two,
repeat number one.
JEFF:
Wow.
As Jeff reacts with awe, Bruce slaps his belly, “I’m
hungry!” style.
BRUCE:
Now, think a hungry demon slayer
could score a few Slim-Jims, then
catch a ride into town?
Jeff pulls up to the curb in his pick-up and Bruce slides
out, finishing his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Jeff nods down the street toward a bar and grill
festooned with plastic flags and decorations.
JEFF:
I promised to pick a few things up
for the party. Sure you’ll be all
right on your own?
Bruce glances down the street of the one-horse town.
BRUCE:
If I get lost, I’ll fire a flare.
As Jeff nervously pulls away, Bruce saunters down the
sidewalk, cocky as he nods and waves at passerby, playing
the role of “town hero” to the hilt. Passing a
GROCERY STORE with a display of apples out front, Bruce
grabs an apple and polishes it on his sleeve. The
SHOPKEEPER steps out, like he’s proud to have Bruce
pausing at his store. Bruce takes a big, juicy bite.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Nice apple!
Bruce raises an eyebrow, “thanks, pal” style, and
continues down the sidewalk, pausing in front of an
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 48.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
APPLIANCE STORE. A display of ghetto blaster radios out
front. As the APPLIANCE STORE OWNER watches, Bruce hefts
one of the radios, cranking up the sound.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Nice radio!
Assuming the radio is also “on the house”, Bruce just
walks off with it, leaving the speechless Appliance Store
Owner standing there, not sure how to react. A few
yards down, Bruce walks past an
ELDERLY MAN who gives Bruce the sign of the cross. Bruce
gives the guy a slap across the back.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Nice improv!
As Bruce continues on, a gaggle of excited
SCHOOL CHILDREN suddenly rush up and surround him, “hail
the conquering hero” style.
KIDS:
Mr. Campbell! Bruce! Bruce!
Bruce holds his arms out, savoring the adulation as he
continues down the sidewalk.
BRUCE:
What’s up, kids?
FIRST KID:
Are... are you really going to
save us from the monster?
BRUCE:
That’s the idea, son.
There’s a collective OOOOH from the youngsters. A SECOND
KID shows Bruce a crude crayola drawing of a cartoon
Bruce heroically stabbing a monster.
SECOND KID:
I drew this picture of you!
BRUCE:
Not bad, junior, not bad.
A THIRD KID shows Bruce a crude crayola drawing of a
cartoon Bruce getting his head torn off by a monster.
Blood spurting from his gaping neck wound.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 49.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
THIRD KID:
So did I!
Bruce double-takes, shoving the drawing back at the kid.
BRUCE:
Get with the program, Rembrandt.
As the kids continue to crowd around him, Bruce finally
arrives at...
EXT. GREENE’S BAR - DAY
A large banner across the front of the bar reads “HAIL
OUR CHAMPION:
BRUCE CAMBELL.” Bruce stops under thebanner, taking a second to study it.
BRUCE:
Memo to self, buy agent a
dictionary.
But before he can lament the poor spelling too long, he’s
spotted by various TOWNFOLK who rush up and surround him.
As Bruce exults in their adoration, the Townfolk lift him
on their collective shoulders and carry him inside...
CRACKING HIS HEAD on the door jamb. As he’s pulled
inside, rubbing his sore noggin...
INT. GREENE’S BAR - NIGHT
A small-town country dance-bar, with a wooden floor,
tables, and a long bar across one wall. A WOMAN wearing
an apron is behind the bar, back to us, as Bruce is
lowered to the floor by the crowd. Bruce steps up to the
bar like a movie cowboy, the Townfolk crowding around
him...
TOWNFOLK:
What do you want, Bruce? Open
bar! It’s on the house!
As the “waitress” bends over to grab a bottle, Bruce
checks out her ass, nudging the guy next to him.
BRUCE:
(re:
her butt)Nothing like spending a night out
on Half Moon Bay, ehh, boys?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 50.
CONTINUED:
(2)(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Hey, baby, how about a sloe
comfortable screw up against the
wall...
As Bruce chortles at the old gag, the Woman turns,
revealing she’s KELLY. Bruce chokes on his laughter as
she glowers at him.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(*gulp*)
...with a lime twist?
Nonchalant, Kelly picks up a bowl of pretzels, offering
them to Bruce.
KELLY:
Pretzel?
BRUCE:
(reaching to bowl)
Don’t mind if I...
Kelly suddenly THROWS the entire bowl into Bruce’s face.
As Bruce recovers, Kelly starts making Bruce’s drink.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Look, I know what you’re thinking.
Movie-star like yours truly might
look down his schnoze at an every
day waitress, but trust me, dollface, that’s not how the Bruce-man
operates.
She’s almost done making the drink.
KELLY:
I own this place.
BRUCE:
(relieved)
On the other hand, movie star like
me doing a plain-vanilla waitress
would be a definite step down...
Kelly pick up the drink as if to pass it over, then
laconically THROWS IT into Bruce’s face. The Townfolk
GASP, but Bruce just accepts it.
KELLY:
Want another?
Bruce licks at the drink as it spills around his face.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 51.
CONTINUED:
BRUCE (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
(off her glare)
Is it me, or did we get off on the
wrong foot?
In the background, Jeff enters, carrying some boxes.
KELLY:
We never “got off” at all, and if
there’s a God, we never will.
(glances toward Jeff)
Unfortunately, my son seems to
think you’re some kind of hero.
Bruce follows her eyes, realizes she’s looking at Jeff.
BRUCE:
Ultra-fan belongs to you?
Bruce takes Kelly’s hand, throwing an exaggerated look at
her ring finger.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
I don’t see a wedding ring...
KELLY:
That’s because Jeff’s father left
us. Right after Jeff was born.
BRUCE:
Must have been hard, raising a boy
on your own.
(big smile)
But in the “lemons into lemonade”
category, sounds like there’s no
reason you and I can’t do a little
of the ol’ “trains and tunnels”...
Kelly stares at Bruce, aghast.
KELLY:
Maybe it’s all a big joke to you,
but Jeff’s talked the whole town
into thinking you’re going to save
us from this “Guan-Di.”
BRUCE:
Right. And?
KELLY:
Far as I can tell, you’re totally
full of sh*t.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 52.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
Bruce is taken aback by that. There’s a long pause as he
considers the insult, then he breaks out laughing!
BRUCE:
I get it! You’re the meet-cute!
KELLY:
The what?
BRUCE:
Mills thought of everything! He’s
a genius!
Chortling, Bruce wanders across the bar, leaving Kelly
baffled. The Mayor comes over, mindful of her attitude,
still hoping and praying that Bruce can save them.
MAYOR:
Kelly, I know you don’t much like
the stranger, but we need someone
to go up against the demon.
The Mayor looks over at Bruce, almost as dubious as
Kelly.
MAYOR (CONT’D)
And right now, in an absolutely
tragic turn of events, he’s the
best we’ve got.
Bruce looks back at Kelly and the Mayor and laughs even
harder. OFF Kelly’s befuddlement...
EXT. SAWVILLE - SUNSET
The sun sets, the dazzling orange glow growing dim...
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
As the last rays of the sun set, rocks begin to move in
front of the old cave, as if something is stirring
inside. Suddenly, a
BLOOD-SOAKED SWORD
splits through the stones. The Guan-Di emerging for
another night of vengeance...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 53.
CONTINUED:
(3)INT. BAR - NIGHT
We HEAR a loud YEEEE-HAWWW, revealing the festivities are
in full swing. A band (The Smithereens?) is playing full
volume while Townfolk drink and dance. At the front of
this bacchanal, in the seat of honor at the front of the
hall,
BRUCE sits, massive joints of beef and turkey in each
hand, eating like King Henry the eighth.
BRUCE:
(spitting food)
More meat!!
As a SEXY WAITRESS hauls over another massive joint of
beef, Bruce grabs her and plops her into his lap. While
the Waitress GIGGLES at the attention,
KELLY watches all this with a disgusted glare. Suddenly,
there’s an announcement from a frontier-outfitted
SQUARE DANCE CALLER.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
Ladies and gentlemen. Grab your
partners!
Enthusiastic townfolk “grab their partners” (male +
female) and sashay out toward the center of the floor.
With a smile, Bruce tosses his leg o’ whatever, pushes
past the Waitress and makes a bee-line toward Kelly.
BRUCE:
Ma’am, may I have this dance?
The Mayor shoots Kelly a look and she reluctantly comes
out around the bar, taking Bruce’s arm. Even though she
clearly doesn’t like being here, there’s something in
Bruce’s infectious, giddy enthusiasm that starts to get
to her. As they get in formation with the others, Bruce
whispers to her...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
You realize I have no idea what
I’m doing.
KELLY:
I’m sure that’s a first.
BRUCE:
Not really. I haven’t known what
I’ve been doing for years.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 54.
(CONTINUED)
Bruce keeps watching her, catching the hint of a smile.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. What was that?
KELLY:
Nothing.
BRUCE:
No no, both sides of your mouth
curled at the edges. There’s an
old Indian word for this
phenomena... Kawatatcheeacha...
Cherokee for “she who smiles at
one she is beginning to not hate.”
Kelly rolls her eyes, but not so mean this time. With a
hint of actual pleasure.
KELLY:
Shut up and dance.
A Square-Dance band takes position on the floor and the
room fills with music. The Square Dance Caller barks out
orders to the dancers.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
Bow to your partner!
As the dancers begins to move, Kelly tries to help Bruce
navigate through the crowd.
KELLY:
Just follow my lead...
SQUARE DANCE CALLER
Now swing your partner and dosidoe, pass the axle then let go!
While Kelly tries to actually keep up with the dance
moves, Bruce is a loose-limbed marvel, his legs swinging
around like some kind of string-puppet.
Allemande left with a right hand
star, box the gnat and allemande
thar!
Bruce’s a terrible dancer, but the Townfolk are being
polite because of his mission, and his enthusiasm
continues to be somewhat infectious. So infectious that
he finally pulls away from Kelly, twirls toward the
official Square Dance Caller and grabs his microphone.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 55.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
(calling dance)
Now swing your partner toward the
door, then empty your pockets and
pretend you’re poor...
The Townfolk are swirling around the dance floor, but
these are “unusual” calls to say the least. But, in an
effort to keep Bruce happy, they all swing their partners
toward the door, then pull out their pockets, sending
wallets, keys and change spilling to the floor.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(calling dance)
Allemande left then allemande
right, then spoon in together all
“Brokeback” like...
The Dancers look at one another then comply, doing the
dance move, then the women jam their butts into the male
dancer’s crotch...
Taking advantage of a musical “bridge”, Bruce breaks into
a crazy, tangled-legged dance that ends with him doing
the splits in the middle of the dance floor. Still
holding the microphone, Bruce picks himself up and
advances on an astonished Kelly.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(calling dance)
Now as this dance is coming to a
close, see if she’ll kiss you
without holding her nose...
With a swoop, Bruce grabs Kelly and pulls her into a full
fledged, bent-over backward smooch. She flails a little
at first, then the flailing stops and for a moment, she
seems to be anticipating the kiss. Then:
KELLY:
You wanna move that hand?
Reveal Bruce’s hand completely inside and up the back of
Kelly’s shirt.
BRUCE:
Oops.
Meanwhile, all around Bruce and Kelly, the dancers are
locked in similar steamy embraces, but with Bruce
distracted and not making any more square dance call,
they’re groaning as they try to hold their awkward
positions, turning blue as they remain mouth-to-mouth...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 56.
CONTINUED:
(2)EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT
Bruce and Kelly step outside the noisy bar and start down
the street. At night the town is actually quite lovely,
a throwback to an earlier, more innocent time...
BRUCE:
Ahhh. I could use a little fresh
air.
Kelly is still a little wary of Bruce.
KELLY:
Me too.
(eyes on him, wary)
And just fresh air.
They start down the sidewalk together, the lights from
the businesses twinkling in the darkness.
KELLY (CONT’D)
(re:
town)Even with everything that’s
happened, God I love this place.
BRUCE:
I grew up in a town just like it.
Little place in Michigan. You
ever hear of it?
KELLY:
Michigan?
BRUCE:
“Little Place.” About fifteen
miles North of Dearborn.
KELLY:
Sounds nice.
BRUCE:
another out there. “Values” meant
more than half-price cereal at the
supermarket.
(remembering)
Made my first movie there, when I
was still in High School.
KELLY:
Really?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 57.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
We were kids... naive, innocent.
We wanted to make a film that
reflected our hopes and dreams...
KELLY:
What was it called?
BRUCE:
“Blade of the Skullripper.” Guess
that’s when I got the acting bug.
KELLY:
You’ve come a long way since then.
BRUCE:
(sardonic)
Guess you haven’t seen any of my
recent movies.
Kelly smiles at that.
KELLY:
Believe it or not, Jeff’s shown me
a couple. I don’t know about the
plots, but you’re usually pretty
good in them.
Bruce is taken by the compliment.
BRUCE:
You really mean that?
KELLY:
Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.
Bruce stops and turns to face Kelly. A romantic moment
in the offing.
BRUCE:
You’re just full of surprises,
Kelly Graham. You’re going to
find this hard to believe, but
I’ve always been shy. Maybe
that’s why I come on so strong...
KELLY:
Hey, I came on a little strong
myself.
BRUCE:
(moving in for kiss)
It’s never been... easy for me
to...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 58.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
KELLY:
Yes?
BRUCE:
...express my... true feelings...
As Bruce is about to kiss her, Kelly suddenly looks over
her shoulder, annoyed.
KELLY:
You want to move that hand?
PULL OUT to reveal Bruce’s hand clamped securely on
Kelly’s butt cheek. He jerks it away.
BRUCE:
Sorry.
KELLY:
I’ll let it go... this time...
Kelly’s already forgiven him. They’re closing for their
first KISS when there’s a HARUMMPH off camera. Bruce and
Kelly both look over in surprise, seeing
EVERYONE FROM THE DANCE in the street, staring at them.
MAYOR:
Mr. Campbell.
(taps watch)
It’s time.
Bruce looks at Kelly. Back at the Mayor. Desperate to
consummate the kiss.
BRUCE:
Five minutes.
MAYOR:
Mr. Campbell...
BRUCE:
For the love of God, I can smell
her Chap-Stick!
But the Mayor’s expression says “nope!” OFF this
moment...
The doors whip open and Bruce moves inside, checking out
the walls of rifles, shotguns, pistols and other weapons.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 59.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
Zoom in on Bruce’s face, hard and serious. The bald
STOREKEEPER waits expectantly.
BRUCE:
All right, small-town America.
Show me what you’ve got.
In a montage of image we see a tough man’s hands getting
ready for some monster killin’ action.
Capable hands strap on a flak-jacket with multiple
pockets for weapons.
Cinch up a sheath for a big-ass hunting knife.
Fingers quickly punch shells into a shotgun.
A hand SPINS a revolver old west style, dropping it into
a leather holster.
Hands strap on double shotgun holsters, plunging doublebarrels into each holster.
Finally the hands grab a Jason-esque HOCKEY MASK. As the
hands prepare to put on the mask...
PULL BACK to reveal the incredibly well-armed/armored man
is actually... THE MAYOR.
MAYOR:
Okay. I’m set.
Continue to PULL BACK to reveal Bruce standing nearby,
totally unarmed, watching incredulously.
BRUCE:
Wonderful. Anything left for me?
Jeff reaches behind the counter and swings up a silver
plated CHAINSAW, banging it down on the counter.
JEFF:
I had it made special, just for
you. A Briggs and Stratton twobarrel with a half-inch claw.
Bruce picks up the saw, hefting it, checking it out.
It’s been customized with a Bruce Campbell signature on
the gleaming blade.
BRUCE:
Sweet.
(tosses it aside)
And if I were going up against a
tree, possibly even appropriate.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 60.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Bruce starts pointing at guns, grenades, bear-traps and
other devices hanging on display in the gun store, like a
guy pointing at the food pictures in a Chinese
restaurant.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Gimme one of those, two of those,
a handful of those... attaboy,
just keep ‘em coming, Cueball...
The bald STOREKEEPER loads the weaponry up in Bruce’s
arms, weighing him down with rifles, shotguns and
bazookas. Bruce staggers a moment under the weight, then
suddenly just DUMPS everything.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Jeff and several other Townfolk steps forward. Casual,
Bruce starts tossing them weapons. He hurls a rifle at a
squinch-faced MAN smoking a PIPE...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Here you go, Popeye...
He tosses a ‘45 Magnum pistol at a skinny looking
SCHOOLTEACHER TYPE...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Schwarzenegger gets the “make my
day”...
On a roll, Bruce tosses three or four hand grenades to a
second MAN, nonchalantly going for style points and
tossing the last one under his leg.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Heads up! Hup hup hup!
As the Grenade Man struggles/juggles to catch them, the
Storekeeper is aghast.
STOREKEEPER:
Mr. Campbell, those are live
grenades.
Bruce gives the Storekeeper a knowing wink.
BRUCE:
Pull the other one, spit-shine!
(rising)
The rest of you, don’t be shy!
Load up!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 61.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
As the other Townfolk gather around the pick up their
weapons, including a severe looking “FARM WOMAN” who
samples several pieces, then picks up one of the bear
traps.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Sure you know how to handle that,
sister?
The Farm Woman pulls a carrot out of her pocket, puts it
between the trap’s jaws and triggers the mechanism.
Chopping the carrot off at the root.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
All right! You’re taking point!
As the Farmers continue to arm up, Jeff comes up beside
Bruce.
JEFF:
Are you ready for this?
BRUCE:
Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria.
I’m ready for anything.
The Mayor and several other male TOWNFOLK nod knowingly
at the seemingly non-sequitur comment as Bruce moves to
the doorway of the store. He frames himself heroically
in the doorway, looking back at his peeps.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Let’s rock.
A convoy of cars and pick-ups tear through downtown
Sawville, past the bar, where
KELLY watches with worry. Some of the armed-up Townfolk
are standing in the back of the pick-ups, waving and
firing their guns in rowdy celebration of the battle to
come. Suddenly,
BRUCE’S TRUCK skids to a stop outside the bar, dust
billowing up around it (even though it’s a paved
street... what up with that?) Bruce emerges from the
wafting dust, practically in Kelly’s arms.
BRUCE:
Hey baby. How about a kiss for
good luck.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 62.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
Apparently moved by the gesture, Kelly looks Bruce in the
eye. For an instant it looks like they’re going to
finally kiss, then:
KELLY:
You wanna move that hand?
PAN DOWN to reveal Bruce’s hand clamped on Kelly’s boob.
BRUCE:
Just checking.
The “romantic” moment shattered, Bruce backs toward his
truck, jaunty as ever.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Put yourself on simmer,
sweetheart. ‘Cause when I come
back, I plan to stake a claim to
the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever
seen.
(to the others)
Now let’s do this thing!
As the pick-ups and cars tear out, HOLD ON Kelly, who
looks worried and concerned.
KELLY:
My eyes are brown...
As the cars careen into the darkness...
A field outside some woods somewhere on the outskirts of
town. The full moon offers some illumination along with
the fiery TORCHES being carried by several Townfolk.
They’re also all equipped with small personal WALKIE
TALKIES. As the move through the area, the MAYOR spots
something on the ground.
NOTE that the Mayor is still wearing his Friday The 13th
hockey mask and all the weaponry/accoutrements that he
gathered at the gun store.
MAYOR:
Hold it. What do you make of
this?
Bruce kneels, authoritative, picks up a handful of
gravel, sifting it through his fingers.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 63.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
(thoughtful)
Looks like gravel.
MAYOR:
I mean these tracks.
A set of well defined, devil-hoof footprints are visible
IN the gravel.
BRUCE:
I’d say we’ve found us a Guan-Di.
Bruce rises as the townspeople gather ‘round.
MAYOR:
No surprise. The killings have
all been in this general area.
(rising, somber)
We’re on it’s hunting ground now.
BRUCE:
(with gravitas)
It’s not hunting us, Mayor. We’re
hunting him.
The Townfolk exchange dubious looks.
MAYOR:
No, I think it’s still hunting us.
Bruce can sense the “nervousness” of his team.
BRUCE:
Okay, it’s liable to get ugly out
there. So when things look bad,
when it looks like you’re not
going to make it, remember two
things. One, even if you don’t
have medical insurance, emergency
rooms are mandated by Federal law
patients.
That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.
GUY WITH TORCH:
What’s number two?
BRUCE:
(pauses for effect)
None of that matters, ‘cause Bruce
Campbell’s got your back.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 64.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
With that rousing thought galvanizing them, the Townfolk
ROAR their approval and the whole posse takes off into
the woods. Bruce and the Woman lugging the bear-trap
take the lead...
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
The Townfolk and Bruce have fanned out in the dark woods.
Flickering torches and flashlights through the trees.
Random walkie-talkie messages SQUAWK through the silence.
WALKIE VOICE:
This is Henderson. I’m crossing
Haselton Road... no sign of the
demon, over.
Jeff hangs close to Bruce as they stalk through the
underbrush, their guns out and ready.
BRUCE:
It’s quiet. Almost too...
WALKIE VOICE:
(super-loud)
Wait!
Bruce JUMPS at the super-loud warning.
BRUCE:
Jesus!
WALKIE VOICE:
Suddenly, the weird, ominous sound of the Guan-Di echoes
through the area. Sort of like a cross between some
Chinese chant and the screech of an owl. Bruce is
impressed, glances toward Jeff.
BRUCE:
When this is over, you gotta
introduce me to the guy who does
your foley!
THROUGH THE WOODS
A dark figure, the Guan-Di, floats through the darkness.
Moonlight glints off the demon’s sword and ritual
costume, but it’s barely visible.
WALKIE VOICE:
Wait... wait... Oh God, I think I
see it, over!!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 65.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
Bruce grabs his walkie-talkie.
BRUCE:
Good! Now see if you can flank
him and ease him around to my
position, over.
WALKIE VOICE:
He’s got a sword, over!!
BRUCE:
Right. Just move him on over
and...
WALKIE VOICE:
It’s a big sucker!
Bruce is getting annoyed with all the pointless “delays.”
BRUCE:
Point taken! Now please lead El
Demonostro my way so I can...
(makes “air quotes”
for a baffled Jeff)
...“open fire” and we can all get
back to town...
WALKIE VOICE:
Sh*t, he saw me! He’s turning
this way...
BRUCE:
Oh great.
WALKIE VOICE:
God oh sh*t oh AHHHHHHHH --
The Walkie Voice suddenly does DEAD. Bruce stares at the
Walkie in his hand.
BRUCE:
Hello?
He hits the “talk” button, getting loud SQUAWKS.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Testing, testing. Dammit, are you
bringing me this “demon” or not?
Nothing but static on the walkie-talkie. Really annoyed
now, Bruce stands up, waving his arms impatiently.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 66.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Okay, everybody. Cut, cut!
(annoyed)
I’m trying to stay in character,
but radio-schmucko seems to lost a
couple pages of the script...
Suddenly something CAREENS out of the darkness, landing
at Bruce’s feet with a THUD. It’s the bear-trap Woman’s
SEVERED HEAD, steam-breath still puffing from her lips.
Bruce looks down at the head, still not quite
understanding what’s really going on. Thinks it’s a makeup effect.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Breath’s a nice touch.
Dead ahead, several more TOWNFOLK suddenly rush out of
the woods, straight toward Bruce, SCREAMING in terror.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
What the -- ? Where are you
going?
As one of the slower Townfolk tries to get away, the
fiercesome figure of the Guan-Di suddenly looms over him,
his sword LASHING OUT and splitting the man’s head in
two!
SPLIT MAN:
GAHHGHH!
Jeff grabs at Bruce’s sleeve, tugging at him.
JEFF:
Bruce! Do something!
As Bruce gapes in disbelief, the Guan-Di emerges from the
shadows, rising to it’s full eight foot height. Sword
dripping blood, it’s eyes blazing red. Suddenly (and
improbably) there’s a flash of lightning, and Bruce gets
his first full-on look at the terrifying demon.
BRUCE:
What the f*** is that?
RUNNING TOWNIE:
It’s the Guan-Di!
ZOOM IN on Bruce’s astonished face as the full, awful
reality hits him like a sledgehammer.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 67.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
You mean the son of a b*tch is
REAL?
RUNNING TOWNIE:
Shoot it! Shoot it!
Bruce’s action hero derring-do suddenly vanishes.
Terrified, panicking, Bruce struggles to whip up his
shotgun. Shaking like Don Knotts, he blindly
FIRES! BLAM! Hitting one of the fleeing Townspeople in
the shoulder!
FLEEING TOWNIE:
AGHHH! My arm!
Freaking out, Bruce shoots wildly again. BLAM!
ANOTHER FLEEING TOWNIE
OWWWW, my leg!
BRUCE:
Gangway!!
Terrified, Bruce starts to run away from the approaching
demon, firing blindly over his shoulder. BOOM!
AHHH, my ear!!
TERRIFIED TOWNIE
Stop shooting, stop shooting!
As Bruce bolts, Jeff can’t believe his eyes.
JEFF:
Bruce! Where are you going?
Bruce tosses his shotgun into the brush and starts to run
full tilt.
BRUCE:
The hell away from here!
The Guan-Di continues advance, raising his blood-soaked
sword, a genuinely scary vision in the moonlit woods as
BRUCE picks up speed, hurdling brush and fallen logs like
an Olympian, eventually passing some of the scared
Townies who had a head start on him. This includes the
Mayor, still in his hockey mask.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 68.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
MAYOR:
Campbell, you coward! You were
supposed to protect us!
BRUCE:
Branch.
The Mayor doesn’t understand the comment until he SLAMS
face first into a low hanging branch. As the Mayor flips
over onto his ass, Bruce doesn’t even slow down, running
back into the
Breathing hard, the SCREAMS of the Townspeople echoing
behind him, Bruce frantically runs to the parked cars and
pick-ups, trying to find one with the keys in the
ignition.
BRUCE:
No keys?!
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Desperate, Bruce throws open the door to a car and leans
under the dashboard, ripping out the ignition wires. He
breaks apart two of the wires and tries to spark the
engine to start, but instead he electrocutes himself!
BRUCE:
All right, coil wire to the
ignit...
(as he gets a spark)
GAHHYGG!!
The force of the electric shock SLAMS Bruce’s head into
the underside of the dash.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
OWWWW!
Dazed, he falls forward on the exposed wires and gets
ZAPPED AGAIN.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
JEEZZ!!
Struggling to get away from the sparking wires, Bruce
suddenly hears a gentle DING-A-LING of a bicycle bell.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 69.
CONTINUED:
(4)Bruce pulls out of the car as LITTLE KID on a tiny “StingRay” type bike (!) rides through the scene. Canvas
newspaper delivery bags on the back of his bike.
LITTLE KID:
Paper, Mister?
Bruce thinks a moment, then has an idea.
BRUCE:
Yeah!
As the Little Kid stops, reaching for a newspaper, Bruce
runs for him, glancing around guiltily.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hey, kid! Your parents around?
KID:
Uhh --
BRUCE:
Good!
Desperate, Bruce
then jumps on the banana seat, churning his legs as fast
as he can. Teetering, barely keeping his balance, Bruce
races away from the staging area.
Bruce races the small bike out onto the main road, legs
still churning wildly, when he’s BLINDED by on-rushing
headlights. Bruce throws an arm up to protect his eyes
and
LOSE CONTROL OF THE BIKE, sailing off the road and
crashing into a tree. As he picks himself up from the
brush, the car that almost hit him backs up to check on
him. An OLD LADY driver rolls down her window.
OLD LADY:
Young man, are you all right?
Bruce runs for the car like a drowning man clawing for a
life preserver.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 70.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
You gotta get me out of here!
The Old Lady points to the cat carrier resting on the
car’s passenger seat. The old tabby inside MEOWS
affectionately.
OLD LADY:
I’m sorry, but there’s no room...
Frantic, Bruce suddenly grabs the Old Lady’s arm and
THROWS HER out of the truck!
BRUCE:
There is now!
As the Old Lady hits the pavement, Bruce jumps into the
trunk and PUNCHES IT. As gravel spews from the tires,
the Old Lady raises a feeble hand.
OLD LADY:
Wait! My kitty-kitty!
As if in response, the cat carrier suddenly FLIES out the
passenger window, accompanied by a loud MEOWWWWW!
Desperate, sweaty, crazed, Bruce hunkers over the
steering wheel and careens down the dark road, driving
like a bat outta hell. The light from the dashboard
gives his face an eerie, “up-shadow” cast.
BRUCE:
Demons... monsters... what the
hell were they thinking? Thing’s
on my ass now... supernatural
bastard... I gotta make tracks but
fast...
From Bruce’s POV as he hauls ass, headlights stabbing the
darkness, suddenly flashing across a WOMAN pushing a BABY
CARRIAGE! And Bruce is heading straight for her!
BRUCE:
Oh hell!
Bruce CRANKS the wheel to avoid the woman...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 71.
CONTINUED:
EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT
The swerving, careening headlights of Bruce’s stolen car
suddenly appear in the distance. In the foreground, a
couple of disinterested Townsies, munching on snow-cones,
take vague notice.
DISINTERESTED TOWNIE
Wonder who that is?
In the distance, the headlights suddenly swerve
OFF THE ROAD. There’s a distant SCREEECH of tires, the
CRUNCH of metal, then a muffled “plumphh” as FLAMES erupt
in the distance. Then
A SINGLE FIGURE begins to run/limp down the street. As
he gets closer, we see it’s Bruce, silhouetted by the
flames, yelping every time he lands on his injured leg.
BRUCE:
(limping)
Son of a OWW gotta get OHH outta
here SH*T...
Bruce runs up to the two Disinterested Townies and grabs
them by their jackets. Bruce is crazy/angry with fear.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
I need a car! Pronto!
DISINTERESTED TOWNIE
Aren’t you that demon-fighting
fella?
That pulls Bruce up short. As he looks around, more
Sawville shopkeepers and residents emerge onto the
sidewalk. Bruce begins to realize he’s making a “scene.”
BRUCE:
Yeah, yeah, that’s me.
(thinks, then)
I, uhh, I blew the thing to
Kingdom Come! Yeah, that’s it...
I just came back for, uhh,
shovels. To scrape him up. And
trash bags! It’s helluva mess out
there...
As Bruce “improvises”, a pick-up truck rolls down the
street. Seeing that the open bed is empty, Bruce throws
a “goodbye” salute toward the baffled Townies and
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 72.
(CONTINUED)
LEAPS INTO THE BACK. Grinning at his good luck...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
So long, suckers!
...as the truck pulls over and parks, the driver getting
out and going to one of the shops.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Son of a --
Beside himself, Bruce leaps out of the truck as the
sounds of CAR HORNS rise in the distance. It’s the
CARAVAN of surviving monster fighters, coming back into
town. Hearing all the racket,
KELLY comes out of her bar, worried. When she sees
Bruce, they lock eyes for a moment.
KELLY:
Bruce. Where’s Jeff?
BRUCE:
Jeff?
KELLY:
You just left him out there?
BRUCE:
No! I mean, kind of!
(off her disdain)
Come on, lady, nobody told me this
monster was real!
Down the street, a GRAYHOUND BUS comes around a corner,
getting ready to pull out of town.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(desperate, to Kelly)
Shoe’s untied!
Kelly looks down. Bruce takes the opportunity to SPRINT
JEFF steps out of one of the approaching cars, devastated
by Bruce’s betrayal.
JEFF:
Mom! Where’s Bruce?
More townfolk emerge from their cars, some still bleeding
and seriously pissed off after Bruce’s shoot ‘em up.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 73.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Thespian bastard shot me in the
arm!
Bruce, running for the bus, turns and runs backwards as
he tries to respond to the charges.
BRUCE:
Sorry!
He got me in the leg!
As the crowd becomes a mob and begins to surge toward
Bruce, he BOLTS for the Grayhound.
BRUCE:
(to bus)
Wait! Wait! For the luvva God,
stop!
He reaches the bus and slaps at the side until it grinds
to a stop. Gasping, Bruce runs for the door and jumps
inside, the bus pulling out just as the mob reaches it.
TOWNSFOLK:
Get out of town! Go back to
Hollywood! You shot my Uncle!
Gasping, Bruce moves to the back of the bus and looks out
the rear window as the mob recedes, throwing ROCKS,
FAUCETS, a round POKER TABLE and other handy items
against the glass. But Bruce’s focus is on
KELLY AND JEFF, standing together. As they recede in the
distance, their mutual looks of betrayal are like daggers
in Bruce’s heart. As Bruce settles into his seat,
utterly devastated, a elbow-jointed piece of plumbing
EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAYBREAK
The bus stops at the driveway by Bruce’s trailer and he
gets off, shoulders slumping, a shell of a man. As Bruce
nears the stoop of his trailer, he spots a padded manila
envelope on the porch. Dissolute, Bruce grabs it and
heads inside.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 74.
CONTINUED:
(2)INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAY
Bruce walks into his trailer and spots SamNRob on his
blanket. After his awful day, Bruce is aching for a
little affection.
BRUCE:
Cute little Sam’nRob. At least I
still have you.
(kneeling)
C’mere, boy.
The dog just stares at Bruce.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Come on, little guy. Here boy.
Here boy. Come on, fella. Come
to Daddy. That’s it. Come on.
Here boy, here boy, here boy...
(suddenly mad)
Son of a b*tch!!
Bruce HURLS the manila envelope at the dog, getting a
loud BARK and SCREECH.
Giving up on the mutt, Bruce wanders to a cupboard,
pulling out a box of generic “Fruit Loops” cereal. He
fills a bowl with cereal, then grabs a quart of milk from
BRUCE (CONT’D)
I’ll feel better after
breakfast... it’s most important
meal of the day...
He’s about to dig in when he notices the “message” light
blinking on his answering machine. Heartbroken, he
punches the “play” button.
ANSWERING MACHINE
(jaunty voice)
This is Bruce Campbell, actor
extraordinaire. If you’re young,
female and not currently
incarcerated, page me at star-998,
otherwise leave a message after
the tone...
BEEP.
DEBORAH:
(on machine)
Bruce, it’s Deborah.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 75.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Deb...?
(grabbing machine)
Deborah?
DEBORAH:
(on machine)
There’s something I’ve been
meaning to tell you, something
that’s been weighing on me ever
since our divorce.
Bruce clutches the answering machine to his heart,
praying for good news.
BRUCE:
DEBORAH:
(on machine)
...it’s the alimony payment. It’s
just not cutting it.
BRUCE:
Huh?!
DEBORAH:
(on machine)
My lawyer’s filed a motion to have
it increased, along with a
restraining order, so don’t even
try returning this call...
Fuming, Bruce RIPS the answering machine cord out of the
wall, then smashes the box on the floor.
BRUCE:
Heartless hell-spawn!
Emotionally crushed, Bruce spots the manila envelope near
Sam’Rob’s dog blanket. He rips it open and pulls out
TWO SCRIPTS. “Cavealien 3 and 4.” As Bruce’s jaw falls
open, he notices a little buck slip paper-clipped to the
first script, “From The Desk Of Mills Toddner.” Hand
written under that,
“Pack your bags, baby, they’re back-to-back in Romania!
Love ya, Mills.”
BRUCE (CONT’D)
No... NO...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 76.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
His life falling to pieces before his eyes, Bruce
stumbles back, tripping over a throw rug. As he flails,
he accidentally smacks the bowl of Fruit Loops,
SENDING THEM FLYING. As Bruce lands on his ass, the
Fruit Loops and milk explode over him, the cereal
sticking to him like bizarre sequins. As Bruce lies
there, dazed, milk and cereal dripping off him,
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hold on... just a minute...
Still dripping Fruit Loops, Bruce staggers to the door.
He throws it open, revealing...
A HARD-EDGED STRIPPER (KASEY) IN A FLAG BIKINI, waving
two lit sparklers. Bottle of whiskey under one arm.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
I’m busy!
KASEY:
And I’m Kasey, the famous singing
prostitute!
(singing)
I’m here to offer birthday
greetings and wish you lots of
luck, and if you’re really really
nice I’ll even toss in a f--
BRUCE:
(cuts her off)
Who sent you?!
Kasey fumbles in her tiny purse, finding a note...
KASEY:
“From your friend and agent, Mills
Toddner. Here’s some birthday
sugar, baby.”
Bruce stares at Kasey in slack-jawed disbelief. Fruit
Loops dangling from his hair and face.
BRUCE:
This was my surprise? A woman?
KASEY:
Actually I’m only half-way through
my trans-gender surgeries, so
technically...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 77.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
Kasey reaches for her bikini bottoms, like she’s going to
pull them down and show Bruce something “surprising.”
Bruce waves his hands frantically.
BRUCE:
For the love of God, stop!!
As Kasey relents, Bruce’s phone RINGS. Struggling to
maintain his emotional equilibrium, he staggers back to
answer it as Kasey enters, looking around curiously.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Campbell residence.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY
Jeff’s on the phone, talking to Bruce from his trailer.
JEFF:
Bruce. It’s Jeff.
BRUCE:
(eyes narrowing)
You little BASTARD. You’re the
one who dragged me into this
nightmare! Now I suppose you’re
going to chew my ass for taking a
powder.
JEFF:
No. I... I just wanted to thank
you.
Bruce looks at the phone like Jeff’s speaking Swahili.
BRUCE:
Thank me?!
JEFF:
For teaching me the meaning of
“courage.”
BRUCE:
I ran like a cheap mascara!
JEFF:
That’s just it. I was trying to
dodge my responsibilities by
dumping them on you. You showed
me that I have to face this thing
on my own.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 78.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
Bruce can’t believe he’s being let off the hook. Improvs
to suggest that was his plan all along.
BRUCE:
Well... thought I’d help you shape
up... I’m glad you’ve seen the
error of your ways... yeah...
JEFF:
Truth is, I’m the one who
unleashed the Guan-Di. So it’s up
to me to kill it.
The reality of Jeff’s plan hits Bruce’s addled brain.
BRUCE:
You’re gonna take on Toshiro
McShithead?
JEFF:
All I needed was a push. Thank
you, Mr. Campbell...
As the line goes dead...
BRUCE:
Kid! KID!!
(slams down phone)
Son of a --
KASEY:
Boyfriend troubles?
BRUCE:
(reeling)
No!
Distraught, Bruce paces his living room. He grabs the
bottle that Kacey brought and spins off the cap, about to
drink himself to oblivion when he hesitates...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Stupid kid... he’s gonna get
himself killed!
(about to drink)
What do I care? I’ve got my own
problems!
As Bruce stares at the bottle, suddenly two tiny Bruce
figures appear on his shoulders. One is the “Angel”
Bruce, complete with simpering voice. The other is the
“Devil” Bruce, with a growling nasty voice.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 79.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Who are you?
ANGEL BRUCE:
I’m your good nature, Bruce.
(simpering voice)
If Jeff goes up against the GuanDi alone, he’ll be cut to ribbons.
You’ve got to help the lad!
DEVIL BRUCE:
(gruff voice)
Don’t listen to him! Kid’s an
a**hole! F*** him! Nobody lives
forever!
ANGEL BRUCE:
(simpering voice)
How can you even think such a
thing? This young man is our
biggest fan!
As this conversation continues, two more, even TINIER
Bruce figures magically appear -- this time on the ANGEL
BRUCE’S tiny shoulders!
ANGEL BRUCE’S ANGEL
(simpering voice)
You’re absolutely right, Angel
Bruce. Remind him that our fans
support us no matter what.
ANGEL BRUCE’S DEVIL
(gruff voice)
What the hell are you talking
about? If Campbell takes the dirt
nap, we’re all toast!
Surprisingly, that last piece of logic hits home with
Angel Bruce.
ANGEL BRUCE:
(simpering voice)
Well, he does have a point. And
young Jeff did release the
fiend...
(to big Bruce)
Maybe we should let him die...
Bruce suddenly SCREAMS, waving his arms, dissipating the
multiple bickering devil/angel figures.
BRUCE:
AHHHH!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 80.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
Bruce looks at the whisky bottle, sorely tempted, then
suddenly HURLS it across the room. Resolve building in
his face.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(to Kasey)
You. Uncle Sam-Antha. How’d you
like to make a quick fifty bucks?
Kasey rises with a matter of fact sigh, reaching for her
bikini bottoms.
KASEY:
Story of my life...
BRUCE:
No! I need a ride!
KASEY:
That’s why I’m here...
BRUCE:
IN YOUR CAR!
KASEY:
Oh. Where are we going?
BRUCE:
Little town called Sawville.
(gritting his teeth)
Looks like I’ve got to kill me a
Guan-Di.
As Kasey blankly mulls this non-sequitur...
Kasey’s VW Bug putt-putts into town, pulling over on mainstreet. Regardless of the weather, Kasey’s still in her
sexy patriotic bikini. As they both get out...
BRUCE:
Sit. Try not to blow anybody
until I get back.
Bruce starts down the sidewalk, the same walk he took the
day before. But this time the reaction is much
different. He’s met with sneers and snarls. Gingerly,
he approaches the
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 81.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
GROCERY STORE, display of apples out front. Bruce starts
to reach for an apple, like yesterday, only to have the
Shopkeeper slam a BUTCHER KNIFE down inches from his
fingers.
SHOPKEEPER:
Apples aren’t for sale!
Bruce backs off, counting his fingers, and continues down
the sidewalk, pausing in front of the
APPLIANCE STORE. A display of ghetto-blaster radios out
front. Bruce offers a meek little wave to the Appliance
Store Owner, who angrily punches the play button on one
of the radios.
APPLIANCE STORE OWNER
Wrote this last night, b*tch.
A chugging RAP SONG starts to play...
RADIO RAP SONG:
(sing-song rap)
BRUCE CAMPBELL, man used to be it,
now BRUCE CAMPBELL, man’s fulla
sh*t. Actor-man said he’d save
our town from fear, but all we saw
was his yellow rear, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, dat’s right, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, runs from a fight, BRUCE
CAMPBELL, got balls like a mouse,
BRUCE CAMPBELL, he’s worthless
louse... (etc)
Bruce moves off from the blaring rap-song, passing
AN ELDERLY MAN, the one who gave him the sign of the
cross earlier.
BRUCE:
I just wanted to thank you for
your blessing, kind sir...
The Elderly Man suddenly HAWKS an enormous loogie into
Bruce’s face, leaving strands of saliva dangling from
Bruce’s chin. As Bruce tries to mop this off, he comes
across the same group of
SCHOOL CHILDREN he had bumped into the day before.
Seeing Bruce, they rush up excitedly, but instead of
“hail the conquering hero,” they start kicking and
punching him.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 82.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
KIDS:
You piece of sh*t! Coward! Wimp!
BRUCE:
Come on, kids, I did my best --
FIRST KID:
You shot my Dad!
SECOND KID:
I drew this picture of you!
The kid shows Bruce the drawing: Bruce running away from
a monster, a yellow streak up his back, lumps of poop
coming out of his pants. As the kids jeer, a
THIRD KID, the one who had drawn Bruce getting his head
cut off last time, tentatively shows Bruce his new
drawing.
THIRD KID:
Campbell.
The drawing shows Bruce standing on the neck of the dead
monster, triumphant. Bruce is touched...
BRUCE:
Gosh, thanks...
But before Bruce can get too mushy, the other kids turn
on Third Kid and start pounding him, ripping his drawing
to pieces.
THIRD KID:
OWW! STOP!! Wahhhhhh...
Bruce uses the distraction to ease away, finally reaching
Kelly’s bar. A CLOSED sign in the window. Frustrated,
Bruce is trying to figure his next move when he notices a
billow of smoke rising from behind the building. He goes
around to the side, where
KELLY is standing over a burn barrel, grabbing papers and
posters from the back of her pick-up bed and jamming them
into the flames. NOTE: There’s a stocked gun rack
inside the pick-up.
BRUCE:
Kelly!
Kelly turns, eyes narrowing when she sees Bruce.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 83.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
KELLY:
Go back to Hollywood, big shot.
Find yourself some hot and cold
running starlets. You and I are
so over...
BRUCE:
Kelly, please. I’m not a shallow
sex machine like most Hollywood
types...
As Bruce struggles to reason with Kelly, KACEY, still in
her bikini, marches up on them.
KACEY:
Hey, Mister, you owe me $50!
Kelly is stunned. Bruce is mortified.
BRUCE:
Just a second...
KACEY:
And we still need to have sex!
As Bruce stammers, Kacey pats the ground, like that’s
where they should do it.
KACEY (CONT’D)
Right here would work.
(to Kelly)
Hey, B-cup, got a blanket we could
borrow?
KELLY:
Who is this?
BRUCE:
She’s a...
KACEY:
(catches him)
Technically I’m still a “he”...
Bruce’s shoulders sag as he realizes the truth is only
going to get him in more trouble, but...
BRUCE:
“He” is a...
(mumbling real fast)
...famoussingingprostitute...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 84.
CONTINUED:
(3)(CONTINUED)
KACEY:
Toss in another twenty-five bucks
and I’ll do her too.
KELLY:
(to Bruce, disgusted)
My God. You really are a total
waste of skin.
Torn between Kacey’s demands and Kelly’s disgust, Bruce
turns to Kelly.
BRUCE:
Just... wait!
Frustrated, Bruce runs back to Kacey and peels out $50.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
For Christ’s sake, just take it
and go!
He starts back toward Kelly, then stops, lowering his
voice to Kacey.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(pig latin)
I’ll take a raincheck on the exsay a little ater-lay.
As Kacey takes the money and leaves, Bruce runs back to
Kelly as she shoves even more papers into the bin. He’s
about to say something when he notices the “papers” all
consist of Bruce Campbell memorabilia.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Kelly, listen to me, we don’t have
time to...
(shocked)
Hey! Those are my posters!
KELLY:
trailer. It was my pleasure.
She stuffs a MINDWARP poster into the flames.
BRUCE:
Sweet Jesus! That’s the limited
edition “B” style!
KELLY:
Plenty more where that came from.
(annoyed)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 85.
CONTINUED:
(4)(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Are you still here? Don’t you
have a bad movie to make?
Kelly pulls an Ash “Army Of Darkness” action figure from
the bed of the pick-up and tosses it into the flames as
Bruce winces.
BRUCE:
A couple, actually. But the truth
is... I haven’t been able to stop
thinking about you.
KELLY:
Oh please.
She shakes her head derisively as Bruce takes a step
closer, just inches away from her.
BRUCE:
I know it sounds crazy. I mean, we
barely know each other. But I
think... I think I’m in...
KELLY:
You wanna move that hand?
PULL OUT and REVEAL Bruce’s hand jammed down the back of
Kelly’s pants. Bruce pulls out his hand, chagrined.
BRUCE:
Okay. So maybe it’s over between
us. At least let me help you
rescue Jeff.
Kelly stops in the midst of jamming another poster into
the flames, startled.
KELLY:
Jeff needs to be rescued?
BRUCE:
He called me this morning. He’s
going after the Guan-Di!
KELLY:
WHAT?
BRUCE:
I thought you knew!
Kelly looks toward the sky, the sun close to setting.
KELLY:
Oh my God! It’ll be dark soon.
(intense)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 86.
CONTINUED:
(5)KELLY (CONT'D)
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
We need to get the town together,
now!
As Kelly grabs a cell-phone from her pocket, frantically
punching a number, Bruce tries to pluck the smoldering
Bruce doll from the flames...
INT. KELLY’S BAR - NIGHT
A group of grumbling townfolk, several sporting new
splints, bandages on their faces, crutches and other
medical evidence of Bruce shooting spree have gathered in
Kelly’s bar. A rumble of discontent magnifies into open
rebellion when
BRUCE appears. As if on cue, the entire mob surges
forward and grabs Bruce, pinning him against the wall,
punching him.
BRUCE:
OWWW! Wait! OWW! A boy’s life
OWW hangs in UMPH the balance!
KELLY:
Stop it! Now!
The angry ROAR subsides. The crowd, still holding Bruce,
turns toward Kelly.
KELLY (CONT’D)
Let him talk.
Bruce stares into their faces, all seething with sheer
rage, then...
BRUCE:
Look, rural folk, I know I let you
down... and I’m sorry. But the
callow movie star who came into
your lives yesterday is not the
man standing before you today.
The Townfolk release Bruce and take a step back,
tentatively giving Bruce a moment to redeem himself.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
That’s right. It took the faith
of a kid like Jeff, and the
decency of a good woman like Kelly
to help me see the light. In the
last twenty four hours, I’ve
learned a little something about
honor. Respect.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 87.
CONTINUED:
(6)KELLY (CONT'D)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
(he looks at Kelly)
Maybe even love.
This time even Kelly is touched by Bruce’s sentiment.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Man’s not much if he can’t own up
to his mistakes. So I’m here to
apologize, but more importantly,
to makes this right.
(heartfelt)
I’m not just asking you for a
second chance. I’m begging you
for one.
There’s a long moment of silence. Bruce stands there a
moment, then REVERSE THE ANGLE, revealing that the room
is COMPLETELY EMPTY. Everyone just left, except Kelly.
KELLY:
You moved ‘em, all right.
EXT. CHINESE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
The gates loom in the darkness as headlights wash across
the gate. After a moment, Jeff steps from his car,
grabbing a rifle and a flashlight. As he closes the car
door, a breeze kicks up a flutter of leaves that wash
across the old tombstones.
JEFF:
Okay. This was a bad idea.
As Jeff stares at the moldering graves...
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
Rocks begin to rattle, signaling the re-emergence of the
demonic Guan-Di. As the rock-fall clatters...
Jeff hears the rocks moving and gets the creeps.
JEFF:
Scratch “maybe.”
As Jeff nervously holds his position, rifle in hand,
waiting for the Guan-Di to emerge...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 88.
CONTINUED:
BRUCE (CONT’D)
INT. KELLY’S PICK-UP/EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
Kelly hunched over the wheel, steaming mad. Bruce is
sitting beside her, reeling from her verbal assault. As
they tear down the road, the last vestiges of sunlight
disappearing behind the trees...
KELLY:
Big ass movie-star. Haven’t you
ever heard of a TELEPHONE?! No,
DRIVING all the way back.
BRUCE:
Thought chick’s got off on the
whole mano a mano thing.
KELLY:
Mano a moron, you mean...
Bruce glances through the back cab window, looking at the
Bruce Campbell memorabilia scattered in the truck bed.
Posters, cardboard standees and even scripts.
BRUCE:
Wait a minute.
Light-bulb going off, Bruce reaches through the window
into the back truck bed...
KELLY:
Don’t mess around. My demolition
supplies are back there.
Bruce looks again, noticing a wooden crate that says
DYNAMITE.
BRUCE:
You keep a crate of dynamite in
your truck?
KELLY:
You don’t?
Bruce doesn’t have an answer to that. He fumbles a
little more, pulling back with a handful of OLD SCRIPTS.
KELLY (CONT’D)
What are you doing with those?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 89.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Listen, sister, maybe your idea of
a “plan” is to tap this Guan-Di on
the shoulder and “pretty-please”
him to death, but seems to me
we’re gonna need more than that.
KELLY:
And you think you’re can find it
in one of your old scripts?
BRUCE:
Brilliant Hollywood writers spent
weeks on these stories!
KELLY:
Gimme a break...
BRUCE:
Rising action, character arcs, set
ups and pay offs...
KELLY:
Bazooka Joe comic!
Bruce sneers at the insult, flipping open a script. He
reads a second, then...
BRUCE:
This could work -- where’s the
closest oceanic oil drilling
platform?
KELLY:
Ireland.
Miffed, Bruce tosses that script out the window, opens
another.
BRUCE:
You got any abandoned steel mills
with giant vats of molten metal?
Kelly shakes her head “no.” Bruce tosses that one, tries
again.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Extensive cave systems with
cannibal bats underneath an active
volcano?
Kelly shakes her head no again. Out goes another script.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 90.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
An island full of mutated giant
gorillas? No, wait, I died in
that one...
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
Kelly suddenly veers off the main road, taking the same
dirt road we saw Jeff and Clayton take earlier. As Bruce
SLAMS against the side of the truck from the turn...
BRUCE:
UMPH!
(rubbing his head)
Do you even know where you’re
going?
KELLY:
Jeff’s friends were killed outside
an old Chinese cemetary. I’m
guessing that’s...
BRUCE:
(cuts her off)
Lady, guesswork is the last thing
we need right now.
She points out the window at a sign nailed to a tree.
“Jeff’s this way!”
KELLY:
The signs help.
They careen down the dirt road, coming up on the...
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT
Bruce and Kelly pull up to the old cemetary, a waft of
dust rolling over them as they park next to Jeff’s car.
Kelly jumps out and looks in Jeff’s vehicle, scared when
she realizes he’s gone.
KELLY:
Oh my God. He’s gone.
(yelling)
Jeff! JEFF!
No answer. As Kelly gets more concerned.
BRUCE:
Boy’s got any sense, he’s probably
hightailing it back to town.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 91.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
KELLY:
If he had any sense, he wouldn’t
have called you.
(yelling)
JEFF! JEFF!!
As Kelly continues calling, Bruce reaches into Kelly’s
truck and grabs a rifle off the gun rack.
BRUCE:
around to the right, I’ll go...
(bumps into someone)
AHHHH!!
Bruce YELPS as he turns around, realizing he bumped into
JEFF, who was standing right behind him.
KELLY:
Jeff!
As Kelly runs toward her son, Bruce notices that Jeff’s
frozen in fear, his eyes wide and staring.
JEFF:
(eyes fixed)
Hi, Bruce.
With trepidation, Bruce follows Jeff’s stare across the
graveyard, to...
THE FEARSOME GUAN-DI, looming in the shadows, sword
gleaming in the moonlit darkness. As Kelly reaches Jeff,
pulling him close in a hug, she also sees the demonic
creature.
Oh no...
Rifle in hand, Bruce steps in front of Kelly and Jeff.
BRUCE:
Stay behind me.
(c*cks rifle)
Things heat up, Mr. Winchester’s
gonna get mighty nervous.
Suddenly, the stand-off is broken when another figure
enters, just in front of the Guan-Di. It’s old WING, the
bowling Chinese wise man!
WING:
Mr. Campbell. So you have
returned.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 92.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
That’s right, Wing.
WING:
You think you can destroy Guan-Di?
Destroy the protector of the dead?
You’re a fool!
BRUCE:
Pot meet kettle, pajama-man.
WING:
Don’t you see? The demon is under
my command... exacting my revenge
against those who have scorned
me... he’s nothing more than an
bidding...
The Guan-Di looks down at Wing with a cranky “huh?
What’d you say?” look.
BRUCE:
Uhh --
KELLY:
Mr. Wing! He’s right behind you!
Wing LAUGHS at Kelly’s concern, pulling a small packet of
food from his Chinese robe.
WING:
I have nothing to fear from GuanDi, for I have come with the
sacred bean curd.
Bruce glances toward that mottled sign at the mouth of
the graveyard. PRO ECTE FO THOSE WH DIE . BEWA E HOSE
WITHOUT EAN URD.
BRUCE:
Kelly, that sign!
(beat)
“Protected for those who died...
beware those without bean curd!”
Of course!
Wing laughs at Bruce, Kelly and Jeff, taking an enormous
bite of the (rank) bean curd.
WING:
(curd spilling from
his mouth)
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 93.
CONTINUED:
(2)(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
good!
While Wing is chuckling, the Guan-Di is getting seriously
pissed. He rises to his full height behind Wing, eyes
blazing red with rage.
BRUCE:
Wait a sec. Didn’t you say the
Guan-Di protects the dead --
ZOOM IN on Wing, bean curd still spilling from his mouth,
as he glances back and sees the Guan-Di’s demonic, angry
eyes glowing over him. Bean curd still spilling from his
mouth, Wing suddenly realizes he’s hosed.
WING:
Good poin --
The Guan-Di suddenly LASHES OUT, his silver blade lopping
off Wing’s head with one savage whack! Bean curd goes
flying as the Guan-Di turns his demonic red eyes toward
Bruce and Kelly.
KELLY:
Bruce --
Bruce contemplates his next move, snapping his fingers as
he gets an idea.
BRUCE:
Wait, wait one minute...
(remembering)
There was one other script... I
did pass on it... more like a
rewrite... actually, I saved the
thing, Writer’s Guild screwed me
out of my credit...
KELLY:
Bruce, what is it?!
Bruce suddenly raises his rifle and aims it, NOT at the
Guan-Di but at the tree branches over the Guan-Di’s head.
BRUCE:
something like this --
Bruce FIRES! The bullet hits a branch over the Guan-Di’s
head and splits it off, sending it dropping straight
toward the demon. The Guan-Di looks up as the branch
comes down --
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 94.
CONTINUED:
(3)WING (CONT'D)
(CONTINUED)
MISSING HIM BY INCHES and crashing into a pile of LOGS by
the Guan-Di’s feet. The impact dislodges the logs and
sends them rolling out of the graveyard...
STRAIGHT TOWARD BRUCE, KELLY AND JEFF.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
RUN!!
Kelly and Jeff bolt, but Bruce TRIPS over a fallen branch
and pancakes to the ground as the Guan-Di approaches.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Kelly! Jeff! Run!
As they sprint off, the Guan-Di reaches Bruce and PICKS
HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF HIS SHIRT...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Ayiyaiyaiyai...
Then the Guan-Di THROWS Bruce across the graveyard.
Bruce SLAMS into one of the old markers and slides to the
ground, groaning. He’s struggling to pick himself up
when the Guan-Di suddenly looms over him, grabbing him
and
HURLING BRUCE into Kelly’s pick-up. Bruce’s ass crunches
in the windshield, then he rolls off and hits the dirt.
As Bruce tries to get up, the Guan-Di’s shadow looms over
him again.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Wait... can’t we talk this
ouWWWW...
The Guan-Di lifts Bruce to his feet so they’re looking at
each other eye to eye, then the Guan-Di SLAMS his palm
into Bruce’s chest.
ETHEREAL FIRE explodes from the contact as Bruce’s eyes
flutter, stretching into an “oriental” configuration and
turning demonic red. He’s been
POSSESSED by the Guan-Di!
BRUCE (CONT’D)
(growling)
Nhhggrrrrrr...
The Guan-Di releases Bruce and he staggers back, walking
jerkily, like a puppet on a string...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 95.
CONTINUED:
(4)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Am... u... let...
EXT. WOOD - NIGHT
Kelly and Jeff are racing through the moonlit woods,
around trees and dense foliage, desperate to get away.
KELLY:
Hurry, Jeff, run!
JEFF:
(over shoulder)
But, but what about...
SUDDENLY THE POSSESSED BRUCE springs up in front of them.
Kelly SCREAMS as Jeff SLAMS right into him.
Bruce’s hand SNAPS OUT and grab Jeff around the throat,
choking him. His other hand reaches for Jeff’s pocket,
and the Asian amulet (which has been there since Jeff put
it there, back in his trailer).
BRUCE:
(possessed)
You... released Guan-Di... took amu-let...
KELLY:
Bruce! What are you doing?
As Jeff chokes, unable to break free, Kelly tries to
punch Bruce away, but he’s too strong.
KELLY (CONT’D)
For God’s sakes, Bruce! Let him
go!
Desperate, Kelly finds a heavy branch on the ground and
swings it like a BASEBALL BAT, smashing it across the
back of Bruce’s head. But the limb simply disintegrates
into dust as Bruce continues to choke Jeff.
BRUCE:
(possessed)
...took... keeeeyyyy... beaaannn
curd...
KELLY:
Oh God oh God oh God...
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 96.
CONTINUED:
(5)(CONTINUED)
Desperate, getting an idea, Kelly picks up on the
possessed Bruce’s last comment and BOLTS back toward the
graveyard.
Kelly races to Wing’s decapitated body. Looking for
something, she kneels by Wing’s corpse, prying open his
dead hand...
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Kelly runs back into the woods. Jeff is faltering,
gasping as possessed Bruce continues to choke him.
Suddenly,
KELLY rushes up to the demonic Bruce and STUFFS a handful
of bean-curd into his mouth!
KELLY:
Suck on that, hell-demon! Let him
go!
Bean curd dribbling from his possessed lips, Bruce
releases Jeff, rears back and ROARS toward the Heavens.
Spitting curd into the sky. Then, spent, Bruce drops to
his knees, head down, gasping. Not willing to take any
chances,
KELLY finds another thick branch and raises it, preparing
for a killing stroke. She hesitates, just for a moment,
eyes filling with unexpected tears...
KELLY (CONT’D)
I... I’m sorry...
As she swings, Bruce’s hand suddenly SNAPS UP and catches
her wrist mid-swing. Bruce’s head is still down, so for
an instant we don’t know if this is real or Memorex-Demon
Bruce until...
HE LOOKS UP. His eyes clear, back to normal. Slowly
shaking his head “no” as he stands, savoring Kelly’s
relief.
BRUCE:
You’re sorry. That bean-curd
tastes like...
The heroic moment is muted when Jeff, angry after being
choked, KICKS BRUCE IN THE BALLS.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 97.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
OOmphhhh!!
JEFF:
Son of a b*tch, you tried to kill
me!
BRUCE:
(pained voice)
No... it was the demon... the one
without balls...
Still in agony, Bruce shows them the amulet.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
And this... is what it’s after.
KELLY:
Costume jewelry?
BRUCE:
Not quite.
(glaring at Jeff)
Genius here took it when he
unleashed Hari-Kari-Larry. It’s a
sacred amulet, the one that brings
peace to the Guan-Di and the souls
of the dead. You know. Just THE
WHOLE REASON WE’RE HERE!
KELLY:
Easy. We can play the blame game
later. Question is, what do we do
now?
Bruce pulls himself together. Looks into the darkness.
BRUCE:
What else you got in that truck of
yours?
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
OPEN TIGHT on a smiling, heroic Bruce Campbell face.
Slowly PULL BACK to reveal it’s actually a CARDBOARD
STANDEE from the CAVEALIEN movie, featuring Bruce in his
uniform. The box of DYNAMITE right behind it.
The Standee is perched between some fallen rocks in the
mouth of the cave. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal Bruce
and Kelly rolling demolition wire out away from the
standee, toward a
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 98.
CONTINUED:
EXT. DARK SPOT IN WOODS NEAR CAVE - NIGHT
Bruce and Kelly bring the wire back to Jeff, waiting with
the dynamite plunger.
BRUCE:
Way I figure it, this demon has a
serious hard-on for yours truly.
When he spots my puss on his
doorstep he’s gonna go Pearl
Harbor, and that’s when we drop
the mountain on his Jackie-Chan
ass.
KELLY:
Sounds risky.
BRUCE:
Yeah. That’s our only standee.
But right now it’s our only...
In the distance, they HEAR the demonic YOWL of the GuanDi. Jeff, hooking up the wires to an old-fashioned
“shove the handle down” detonator box, shivers.
JEFF:
Jesus. He’s coming back.
As they finish their preparations, Bruce looks Kelly and
Jeff in the eye.
BRUCE:
Look, however this turns out, I
just want you both to know...
Kelly and Jeff both take a breath, like they know the
sentiment that Bruce is going for...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
...that I’ll never forgive you for
dragging me out here.
In the distance, the Guan-Di moves out of the woods into
the moonlight. His gleaming sword WET with blood. As he
nears the cave entrance...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Hold... hold it... wait until he’s
inside the cave...
The Guan-Di sees the smiling Bruce standee in the cave
entrance and REARS BACK, GROWLING. With a samurai
change, it runs at the standee, blade high.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 99.
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE (CONT’D)
He’s seen it! Easy... easy...
But just as it seems it’s going to take the bait and go
into the cave entrance, the Guan-Di STOPS. Like it
senses something’s wrong.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Sh*t.
KELLY:
What’s wrong?
BRUCE:
He’s not buying it! Sh*t! That’s
a great likeness, too.
JEFF:
What are we going to do?
Bruce collects himself, shaking his head. Can’t believe
he’s about to do this...
BRUCE:
Wait here. I’m going in.
KELLY:
Bruce, wait! That’s suicide!
BRUCE:
You’re right.
Bruce shoves his rifle into Kelly’s hands.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
You’d better do it.
JEFF:
Bruce, the Guan-Di’s going to be
looking for you.
BRUCE:
Kay-rist....
(takes gun back)
All right. I’ll try to lure him
into the cave. The second he does
inside, you drop that plunger.
Got me?
Bruce is about to take off when...
KELLY:
Bruce! Wait.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 100.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
She suddenly, impulsively pulls Bruce into a tight
embrace. They look into each other’s eyes, then, just as
they’re about to kiss...
KELLY (CONT’D)
You wanna move that hand?
Bruce looks down, surprised. PULL BACK to reveal that
for once, he’s NOT groping her.
BRUCE:
But I...
Kelly smiles, takes his hands and pulls them around her
in a passionate embrace. Then they kiss, passionate, the
kind of kiss a girl gives a guy right before he heads off
to war. As they finally break...
KELLY:
For luck.
BRUCE:
Another kiss like that, I could
win the lottery.
Bruce nods back to Jeff, poised over the plunger, then
EXT. CAVE
The Guan-Di turns as it hears Bruce running toward him.
BRUCE:
All right, Top Ramen, let’s do
this!
The Guan-Di raises his sword, the steel glinting in the
moonlight, as Bruce runs at him and TACKLES HIM STRAIGHT
EXT. DARK SPOT OUTSIDE CAVE - NIGHT
Jeff realizes it’s time to do the deed, but he’s frozen
over the plunger.
KELLY:
Jeff!
JEFF:
Mom, I... I can’t!
(anguished)
It... it’s Bruce Campbell!
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 101.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
KELLY:
I know how much he means to you...
how much he means to audiences the
world over... but right now,
you’ve got to ask yourself one
question.
(beat)
Jeff thinks a moment, then shrugs and SLAMS DOWN the
plunger!
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
The cave entrance EXPLODES in a plume of fire and rock.
As the explosion settles, dust and smoke billowing, an
eerie quiet falls across the scene.
KELLY and JEFF slowly move toward the cave entrance.
It’s completely sealed by fallen rock. Horrified by what
they’ve done, Jeff and Kelly drop to their knees outside
the blast area.
BRUCE’S SMILING FACE, torn from the shattered standee,
grins at them from the dusty boulders.
JEFF:
I... I can’t believe he’s gone.
Suddenly there’s a RATTLE of rock by the cave entrance.
Kelly and Jeff turn, fearing the worst, stunned to see
BRUCE’S BLOODIED HAND clawing out of the rubble.
KELLY/JEFF
BRUCE!!!!
They rush over and throw away some of the rocks, pulling
Bruce free. He’s battered and bloodied, but alive.
BRUCE:
Somebody get the license number of
that truck?
As they pull Bruce out, he makes a point of taking the
stolen amulet from his pocket and JAMMING it into the
rocks.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
And STAY there.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 102.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Wobbly, Bruce takes Kelly’s hand, and with Jeff beside
them, they begin to limp away from the cave. It’s a
quiet moment, the horror finally winding down.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
Just got one request, Jeff.
JEFF:
Anything, Bruce.
BRUCE:
Next time you release an ancient
Chinese demon, call that Buffy
chick, will ya?
As they all share a movie-ending laugh...
THE GUAN-DI BURSTS OUT OF THE ROCKS behind them. In SLOW
MOTION, Bruce, Kelly and Jeff turn in horror as the
monster ROARS toward them, sword high, about to kill
them...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
CUT!
(regular motion)
Cut cut cut cut CUT!
All action stops. The Guan-Di pulls up short, puzzled.
Kelly and Jeff take a step back, watching as Bruce goes
out of character.
BRUCE (CONT’D)
This isn’t working.
(re:
Kelly)First of all, could props swing a
little mouthie-washie for Ms.
Romania 1992? Kissing this
broad’s like licking a cat’s ass.
KELLY:
(Romanian accent)
Up yours.
PULL BACK to reveal we’re on an EXTERIOR MOVIE SET. A
gaffer’s truck nearby reads ROMANIAN LIGHTING SERVICES.
As the crew chatter in ROMANIAN, the DIRECTOR OF
PHOTOGRAPHY (the same guy we saw shooting CAVEALIEN)
steps into frame.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
What’s the problem, B.C.?
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 103.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
audience is going to be totally
invested in my character by this
point. We pull the ol’ “surprise,
they all die” ending, we’re gonna
lose ‘em.
(slaps Fred on the
back)
People love me, Fred. They want
me to win.
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
But...
BRUCE:
Don’t argue with the muse.
Bruce paces a moment, snapping his fingers, the picture
of “the creative process.” Finally, triumphant, like
he’s hit on the solution...
BRUCE (CONT’D)
We’re moving on...
A lovely little country home on a bright sunny day.
After a moment,
KELLY, wearing a pretty summer dress, steps out, smiling
broadly as BRUCE comes down the walk, jaunty and heroic.
BRUCE:
Sore eyes, meet sight-for. I
could use some serious feel-good
about now.
KELLY:
Step right up, movie-star.
As they sweep back in a romantic kiss, Jeff, now dressed
like a college preppy, walks out on the porch, smiling at
all the love on display. As Bruce and Kelly break off
their kiss, Jeff unfolds an official looking letter.
JEFF:
Guys, guess what! I was just
accepted to Yale!
Bruce and Kelly both rush to Jeff, pulling him close.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 104.
CONTINUED:
(2)(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Told you that C average wouldn’t
matter!
(pulls them together)
Come on. Group hug!
As they hold one another, savoring their new, perfect
lives, suddenly a shadow washes over them. As they turn,
eyes going wide in horror, reveal
THE GUAN-DI standing over them, raising his sword and
SCHWACK --
(THIS COULD BE THE END, WITH THE FOLLOWING RUNNING
BETWEEN THE CREDITS)
With the Guan-Di image frozen on a small screen, Bruce
leans back from a flatbed, enraptured with the conclusion
of his latest masterpiece. He gives his weary editor a
nudge.
BRUCE:
Perfecto. Fanboy’s will be
false ending.
(cocky, to editor)
Kelly’s close-up... no, make it
five... and hold on me. Then give
me a fade and a dissolve... prelap that dialogue... show me some
magic, baby!
Suddenly there’s another demonic RUMBLE. The editing
room SHAKES. Cocky Bruce suddenly looks nervous... what
the hell is going on? Suddenly the fierce Guan-Di demon
and careens toward a SCREAMING BRUCE (just like the
ending of the first EVIL DEAD). CUT TO:
ON SCREEN, the violent editing room scene fades to black.
Bruce leans back in a comfy chair in the plush screening
room, puffing a stogie, savoring the completion of his
latest epic.
Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 105.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BRUCE:
Two trick endings! Get my
publicist on the phone and tell
her to book my tickets to the
Saturn Awards. ‘cause we’ve got a
winner!
(hits intercom)
Okay, Morrie, roll it again!
Bruce leans back, savoring his smoke, when suddenly we
hear another RUMBLE... and Guan-Di suddenly LEAPS ACROSS
THE SCREENING ROOM and lunges at Bruce as he stands and
SCREAMS, mimicking (again) the end of EVIL DEAD...
FADE OUT.
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"My Name Is Bruce" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/my_name_is_bruce_26958>.
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