My Name Is Bruce

Synopsis: Mistaken for his character Ash from the 'Evil Dead' trilogy, Bruce Campbell is forced to fight a real monster in a small Oregon town.
Year:
2007
10 Views


EXT. SAWVILLE - DUSK

OPEN on green hills, hidden under mysterious swathes of

ground fog. There’s an eerie quiet as the sun sinks and

the shadows lengthen...

PAN DOWN to a “Welcome To Sawville, Population 2649”

sign. The city’s motto, “We Came, We Sawed, We

Prospered” scrolls over a cartoon image of a sawmill.

Suddenly, an entire 12 pack of

EGGS splat the sign, yolk dripping as we HEAR METAL MUSIC

and a KID WHOOPING over the ROAR of a pick-up truck.

INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT

In the truck, two teenagers (CLAYTON and JEFF) roar down

a back road. Jeff, wearing an EVIL DEAD tee shirt, is

driving. As they approach a row of

RURAL MAIL BOXES,

Clayton, sporting a John Deere cap, finishes a beer,

tosses the empty and grabs a baseball bat from behind the

driver’s seat, noticing a pile of DVDs and comic books.

CLAYTON:

Thought I told you to ditch all

this monster movie stuff.

JEFF:

What’s wrong with it?

CLAYTON:

Sheesus, Jeff...

As they pass the mailboxes Clayton leans out the window

and swings, smashing the boxes and sending plumes of

letters into the air.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)

Mail’s in!

(back to Jeff)

...when are you going to grow up?

I’m trying to get you laid, but

how’s that going to happen when

first thing the chick sees is...

(grabs DVD)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

...some piece of sh*t starring

“Bruce Campbell”...

JEFF:

What did you say...?

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Jeff suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES and the truck fishtails

to a stop, dust washing up over the cab.

INT. PICK-UP

As Clayton lurches forward then back, Jeff glares him.

JEFF:

Take it back.

CLAYTON:

What?

JEFF:

Bruce Campbell is the greatest

actor of his generation!

CLAYTON:

You’re kidding, right?

(going through boxes)

“Mindtrap?” “Alien Apocalypse?”

“Cavealien?”

JEFF:

(defensive)

Shut up! That’s a good one!

Clayton flips the box, dramatically reading the blurb.

CLAYTON:

“Bruce Campbell IS Lt. Jack

Stryker, a rogue clone-warrior and

mankind’s last hope against the

deadly Cavealiens.”

JEFF:

Yeah? So?

CLAYTON:

Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert

wouldn’t wipe his crack with this

trash!

Jeff grabs the DVD away from him, angry.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 2.

CONTINUED:

CLAYTON (CONT’D)

(CONTINUED)

JEFF:

Get out of the truck.

CLAYTON:

Whoa, slow down...

JEFF:

You don’t like Bruce, you walk.

CLAYTON:

I loved Army Of Darkness!

JEFF:

Everybody loved that one!

(anger abating)

But... all right.

CLAYTON:

(a *whew*)

Now, could we please go get laid?

Jeff begrudgingly puts the truck into gear, headlights

stabbing the shadows as they careen down the dusty road.

EXT. OLD CHINESE GRAVEYARD - DUSK

TIME PASSES and the truck’s headlights wash across the

dilapidated arches of an old GRAVEYARD. As the truck

rolls through the arches, pan across another

OLD, HALF-ROTTED SIGN

identifying this new location cryptically with some

painted Asian characters, along with a few broken English

words of warning: PRO ECTE FO THOSE WH DIE . BEWA E

HOSE WITHOUT EAN URD. (”Protected for those who died.

Beware those without bean curd.”) As

HEADLIGHTS stab the moonlit darkness, Jeff’s pick-up

SMASHES OVER the sign and skids to a stop. PULL OUT to

reveal a

DILAPIDATED CHINESE GRAVEYARD, nestled in the shadow of a

tall hill. Rotted sticks with faded Chinese characters

jut from the ground. Barely visible somewhere in the

background is a long abandoned mine-shaft, barely visible

in the mountainside. After a moment,

JEFF STEPS OUT OF THE TRUCK, flashlight in hand. The

BEAM dances through the darkness and across the grave

markers, some tagged with wisps of tattered cloth, others

broken and jagged. As Jeff moves up to one of the

markers, staring at it...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 3.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SOMEONE SUDDENLY GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND!

Jeff JUMPS UP with a SCREAM and turns his light,

revealing LITTLE DEBBIE. A creepy teenage Goth chick

with multiple piercings and heavy mascara.

LITTLE DEBBIE:

You scream like a girl.

Next to her looms another teenager, BIG DEBBIE. She’s

REAL big, well over six feet. Their car’s parked nearby,

hidden by the darkness.

LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)

(eying graves)

Come on, Big Debbie. Let’s check

it out.

The Debbies exchange excited “let’s check it out!” looks

and bolt to explore the graveyard.

JEFF:

Who are they?

CLAYTON:

Big Debbie and Little Debbie.

From the Apple Festival.

JEFF:

I thought they blew us off.

CLAYTON:

They blew you off, “Evil Dead.”

(nods at Goth girl)

When I told the Mascara Queen

about this old boneyard she

practically dry-humped me on the

spot.

JEFF:

She’s kind of cute.

Clayton notices Jeff’s anxious/horny look.

CLAYTON:

Don’t worry, hard-on. Morticia’s

all yours.

(eyes on Big Debbie)

I’m going human fly on that

skyscraper.

As they follow the girls into the graveyard, Goth “Little

Debbie” hesitates, looking across the stones.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 4.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

CLAYTON (CONT’D)

The graves haven’t been touched in

years. We’re all alone out here.

LITTLE DEBBIE:

(reverent)

It looks ancient. Historic. This

place must have meant a lot to

these people.

Suddenly Little Debbie gleefully KICKS DOWN a grave

marker.

LITTLE DEBBIE (CONT’D)

Let’s break something!

JEFF:

As long as it’s not my heart.

Jeff makes his move on Goth Little Debbie. He’s doing a

faux Bruce Campbell riff, but Little Debbie, stomping

apart ancient grave markers, couldn’t care less.

JEFF (CONT’D)

What do you say? Gimme some

sugar, baby.

LITTLE DEBBIE:

What?

Jeff gets in front of her. Working it.

JEFF:

Come on. We can dance the “hard

to get” all night, but if this

game’s called eye-tag...

Jeff takes Little Debbie in his arms, staring with

smoldering Campbell-esque intensity into her eyes.

JEFF (CONT’D)

...your lips say I’m “it.”

Little Debbie stares at him, almost like she’s

succumbing, then she suddenly SPITS her gum in his face.

As it bounces off his nose, Jeff releases Little Debbie

and she runs across the graveyard.

JEFF (CONT’D)

Mmm. Juicy Fruit.

As the girls move off, laughing and throwing “you freak”

looks at Jeff, Clayton leans close to Jeff.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 5.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

CLAYTON:

Smoooooth, “Brucie.”

Clayton takes off across the old graveyard with the

Debbies, laughing as they vandalize more Chinese graves.

Jeff just stands there, struggling to maintain his

Campbell-esque cool.

JEFF:

Your loss, baby. Your loss...

Grumpy, Jeff picks up his flashlight and continues across

the graveyard, stumbling toward an

OLD MINE SHAFT.

Broken timbers surround a landslide of boulders that have

completely blocked the entrance. As his flashlight

washes across the rocks, something GLISTENS. Jeff turns,

like he wants to tell the others he’s found something,

but in the

GRAVEYARD all he can see are flickers of flashlights,

dancing across the darkness, and distant, mocking VOICES.

CLAYTON (O.S.)

(distant)

“Here lies Hung Far Low, he dug

too deep, no Low no-mo...”

As LAUGHTER rings across the old graveyard, Jeff kneels

and grabs at the shiny object, pulling. It’s jammed in

tight, some sort of

SHINY AMULET. While Clayton and the girls continue to

yell in the darkness, Jeff pulls harder, really putting

himself into it, finally YANKING the amulet free. As

Jeff rolls back on his ass,

CAMERA pushes through the small hole into the avalanche

of rocks...

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Camera zooms in through the rock-slide, around wet cave

walls, past a broken HUMAN SKULL, until it closes on dark

red circle. It might just be a strange formation in the

rock, until

TWO RED DEMONIC EYES SUDDENLY OPEN.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 6.

CONTINUED:
(3)

EXT. OLD CHINESE GRAVEYARD

Jeff backs away from the rock wall, studying the amulet

with his flashlight as he moves back into the graveyard.

Closer examination shows some faded CHINESE ETCHINGS in

the metal, and a glowering demonic face.

JEFF:

Groovy.

Suddenly, Jeff hears the faint rumble of falling rock

just behind him. Surprised, Jeff turns and shines his

light on the face of the

MINE SHAFT. A few pebbles and a puff of dust roll down.

Doesn’t look like much, and after watching for a second,

Jeff shrugs and looks back toward the graveyard.

JEFF (CONT’D)

Hey -- !

OUT OF FOCUS, behind Jeff, more rocks move as something

seems to be clawing free from the rubble. Jeff turns,

his eyes going wide as the rocks rumble free and there’s

an awful, unearthly ROAR.

JEFF (CONT’D)

OH CHRIST SH*T!!

Terrified, Jeff bolts, tucking the talisman in his pocket

as he scrambles toward the

GRAVEYARD. Hearing Jeff’s cries, Clayton (his hand

clamped firmly on Big Debbie’s boob) and the two girls

look over, assuming it’s a prank.

CLAYTON:

Son of a...

JEFF:

HOLY JESUS CRAPPING HELL!! RUN FOR

YOUR LIVES!!!

As Jeff races by, an oblivious Clayton continues to

fondle Big Debbie.

CLAYTON:

Wha...

Suddenly a SWORD SWOOSHES across frame. BLOOD SPRAYS.

Stunned, Big Debbie looks down at the hand still

clutching her boob, and realizes it’s been

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 7.

(CONTINUED)

CHOPPED OFF AT THE WRIST! As she SCREAMS, the mystic

blade suddenly SLASHES across her throat, blood gushing

from the wound.

JEFF races toward the pick-up as Big Debbie’s scream

stops. Suddenly something large and bloody FLIES over

his head,

CRASHING WITH A GOOEY SPLAT against the back of the

truck. As Jeff runs up, his flashlight finds Little

Debbie’s broken, bloodied body lying in a heap. Sticks

of Juicy Fruit spilling from her coat pocket.

JEFF:

SH*T!!!

INT. PICK-UP - NIGHT

Scared, Jeff jumps into the truck, fumbling for the keys.

He fires it up, engine roaring, reaching for the

gearshift when

CLAYTON staggers to the window, smearing the glass with

blood gushing from his severed arm, clearly in shock.

CLAYTON:

Don’t leave me, man!

JEFF:

AHHHH!!!!

There’s another unearthly ROAR from the released DEMON.

Terrified, Jeff PUNCHES IT. As the truck tears gravel, a

scared Jeff looks in the rearview and sees

CLAYTON staggering in the dust, illuminated by the

truck’s red tail lights. As Clayton staggers, arm

gushing blood, a large FIGURE surrounded by swirling,

windswept robes, RAISES A SWORD...

IN THE TRUCK Jeff can’t look as he drives crazily, Bruce

Campbell DVD’s sliding around on the seat...

INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - NIGHT

TIGHT on Bruce Campbell, shouting into the darkness.

BRUCE:

Hold it right there!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 8.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

For an instant, we think Bruce is yelling at Jeff. But

then we pull back, revealing that Bruce is wearing some

quasi-futuristic coveralls (CAVE PATROL patch on the

shoulder) and he’s yelling at

PETRA, a sultry blonde with a thick Russian accent,

wearing the same uniform.

PETRA:

Vat’s wrong vith you, Stryker?

We’ve got the Cavealien cornered!

(“Cavealien” is pronounced as one word.) PULL BACK to

reveal Bruce and Petra standing out a cave opening,

totally unlike the mine shaft at the beginning.

BRUCE:

So transmit the scans up to DeltaBaker, plant some bio-blasters and

send out for Chinese. Your

Colonial Jarheads can handle the

shake and bake.

PETRA:

Col. Packer’s still trapped down

there!

Bruce throws a sarcastic look toward the cave.

BRUCE:

Knew there was a reason I got up

this morning.

PETRA:

You bastard!

BRUCE:

Hey! Last time I saw Packer he

tried to put me in front of a

firing squad!

Petra SLAPS Bruce across the face.

PETRA:

Coward! I should have left you on

Regula Nine!

As she swings to slap him again, Bruce catches her hand.

BRUCE:

We both know you couldn’t do that.

Petra doesn’t pull away. Her expression says she knows

Bruce is right.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 9.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

PETRA:

I still can’t believe a loser like

you vas cloned from one of my dead

husband’s cells.

BRUCE:

That’s right, baby. They built me

out of your old man’s DNA. So how

about we share a little, mouth to

mouth?

PETRA:

You’re dees-gusting.

BRUCE:

I’m a man. And I’ve been wanting

to do this ever since we landed on

this rock.

As Bruce kisses her, Petra reluctantly, then

enthusiastically accepts his kiss. The erotic moment

interrupted by a gurgling NOISE off screen.

PETRA:

What the --

Bruce whips out his “blaster.”

BRUCE:

Dammit! They’re all around us!

Petra throws a sarcastic look at Bruce.

PETRA:

Vooks like you get to play soldierboy after all!

A gelatinous MONSTER suddenly appears behind Petra,

rubbery tendrils flailing. Bruce aims his futuristic

blaster and

FIRES A SPARKY BLAST into the beast. Hit, the monster

ejaculates a great spew of alien goo. A gout hits Bruce

in the face and he reacts with disgust, then SURPRISE as

MORE and MORE alien glop geysers from the monster’s

wound.

BRUCE:

Je-sus H...

Bruce raises his hands to fend off the ridiculous amount

of “alien blood.”

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 10.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Easy on the ichor! I think we get

the point!

DIRECTOR:

Okay, cut!

PULL BACK to reveal the cave is actually a low budget

movie set for the movie CAVEALIEN (cave-alien) 2. The

DIRECTOR, a younger guy with a boyish attitude and

glasses a half inch thick, walks onto the set as Bruce

coughs up the last of the alien goo.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

That was aces, Bruce. Nice work.

The myopic Director keeps walking, running head first

into a fake tree. He bounces back, like this happens all

the time.

BRUCE:

(wiping off goo)

You didn’t think it was a little

over the top?

The Director blinks behind his thick glasses.

DIRECTOR:

It’s Cavealien 2.

BRUCE:

That’s not an answer.

DIRECTOR:

Did you see Cavealien 1?

As the Director moves on, Bruce notices an overweight

male P.A. standing by craft services.

BRUCE:

Hey, Tiny. Fetch me a lemon

water, will ya?

The P.A. grabs a bottle from a nearby cooler and quickly

passes it over. Bruce gives the bottle a glance and

tosses it back at the P.A., annoyed.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Lemon. Le-mon.

(as P.A. hesitates)

Let’s go, Jumbo! Ondelay,

ondelay!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 11.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

The annoyed P.A. moves off toward a craft services cart

as Petra comes up. Bruce continues to “drip” goo throughout this scene.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hey, baby, nice work. On a show

this down and dirty, it’s a relief

to be working with a professional.

Even out of character, Petra has the Russian accent.

PETRA:

(withering)

I vouldn’t know.

Bruce raises his hands, “take it easy” style,

accidentally spattering her with goo.

BRUCE:

Easy, Quick-Draw. We’re both on

the same page.

PETRA:

Veally.

BRUCE:

Sure, baby. Low budget show like

this is just a detour. A quick

cash infusion while Scorsese and

Spielberg are warming up our

chairs.

PETRA:

Who?

Bruce blinks.

BRUCE:

Sounds like you could use a little

filmmaking 101. Lucky for you,

the Professor is in.

(seductive)

I know this little bar off

Cahuenga where the drinks are

cheap and the barmaids are

cheaper...

BRRRING. Petra gets a call on her cell. She takes it,

cutting Bruce off in mid-sentence.

PETRA:

Hullo? Vhy yes!

(eying Bruce)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 12.

CONTINUED:
(4)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

No, you’re not ee-nterrupting

anything.

As Petra wanders off, cooing into her phone...

BRUCE:

(calling after her)

Think it over!

Bruce looks out across the location, hands on his hips,

“in charge”, as the D.P. adjusts the lens on the camera.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Jimmy. I’m thinking we should go

with a ‘50 for this next shot.

D.P.

Got one up your ass?

BRUCE:

(considers, then)

Maybe a ‘75?

As Bruce continues to “consider” lens choices,

TINY THE ANGRY P.A. is standing to one side, grinning

evilly as he pees lemon-green urine into an empty “Lemon

Water” bottle. OFF this...

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT

Bruce, dressed in gaudy civilian clothes as shooting

wraps for the day, exits the soundstage, only to find

himself suddenly surrounded by a gaggle of devoted

FANS. Practically wetting themselves in Bruce’s presence.

Geek central. NO GIRLS. Not in the mood for a fan

encounter, Bruce forces a wan smile as he wades through

them.

FANS:

Bruce! Mr. Campbell! Ash!

Always prepared, Bruce whips out a stack of 8 x 10’s and

starts dealing them out like a poker player.

BRUCE:

Here ya go, one for you, one for

you, Holy Mother of God what’s

that smell --

As the fan in front of Bruce cluelessly sniffs his own

armpits, Bruce reaches in his pocket and hands him a

stick of Right Guard.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 13.

CONTINUED:
(5)

PETRA (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

It’s called deodorant. Look it up

on your “internets.”

(passing more photos)

Don’t worry, I’ve got enough for

all you little trolls...

A fan in a wheelchair rolls up and Bruce hands him a

photo. The Wheelchair Fan thrusts it right back, megademanding.

WHEELCHAIR FAN:

Mr. Campbell! Mr. Campbell! How

about an autograph?

The Wheelchair Fan holds out Bruce’s 8 x 10, but there’s

no pen.

WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)

What, no pen?

Bruce rolls his eyes and slides out a pen, scrawling his

signature.

WHEELCHAIR FAN (CONT’D)

Say cheese!

Before Bruce can answer, he’s BLINDED by a flash.

BRUCE:

Gahhhh!

WHEELCHAIR FAN:

How about five bucks for the bus?

Blinking, his eyes clearing, Bruce glares at the kid.

BRUCE:

Ever hear the theme from

“Rawhide?”

WHEELCHAIR FAN:

Huh?

Bruce lifts his foot and gives the fan’s wheelchair a

shove, sending him rolling backward down the sidewalk.

BRUCE:

“Keep them doggies rollin’...”

As Bruce continues ahead, he’s trailed by the fans and

peppered with more inane questions.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 14.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SECOND DEVOTED FAN

When you were trapped in the pit

in ARMY OF DARKNESS, how did you

get your shotgun?

THIRD DEVOTED FAN

When you kissed “Ellen” did it

turn you gay?

FOURTH DEVOTED FAN

How much wood could a woodchuck

chuck?

BRUCE:

Who cares, absolutely not and

three cubic board feet...

(shoving through)

Gotta run, boys, I’m late for a

soiree.

Bruce maneuvers around to his car, a battered Ford Pinto.

As he slides in and slams the door, the fans continue to

assail him with inane questions, one of them even getting

in front of the car. Bruce

GUNS IT ANYWAY, plowing right into the guy, who shouts

his question even as he’s tumbling across the hood...

DEVOTED FAN:

Mr. Campbell, Mr. Camp...

(WOMP! He’s hit!)

...bellAHHHH...

As Bruce ROARS OFF, we can see his fans running after him

(or, in the case of the one who’s been hit, stumbling and

clutching his injured leg), shouting more questions...

DEVOTED FAN (CONT’D)

Mr. CampOWWW, Mr. CampOWWW...

EXT. MUSSO AND FRANKS - NIGHT

Hollywood Blvd. Bruce screams up to the UNIFORMED VALET

in his Pinto, tossing the valet his keys.

BRUCE:

Park her close, chief. This won’t

take long.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 15.

CONTINUED:
(2)

INT. MUSSO AND FRANKS - NIGHT

Bruce enters the busy restaurant, face sour as he looks

for someone. As he passes the bar, the BARTENDER shoots

him a knowing look.

BRUCE:

Gimme a bourbon with a loaded

revolver back.

Bruce continues into the restaurant itself, spotting

MILLS TODDNER sitting alone at a table, talking on his

cell-phone and flipping through the trades. As Bruce

walks up, he points at the Variety.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hear I made the trades today.

MILLS:

Really?

BRUCE:

Yeah. My career’s in the

obituaries.

Mills closes his phone and rises, laughing at Bruce’s

“joke”, giving him a big Hollywood hug and kiss.

MILLS:

Give me some sugar, baby.

As Bruce disdainfully accepts the hug...

MILLS (CONT’D)

(re:
phone)

That was the studio. They’re

crazy over the dailies from

Cavealien 2. Said you’ve never

been better.

BRUCE:

I speak English. In their world

that makes me Meryl banana-sucking

Streep.

The Bartender arrives at the table and puts a huge

tumbler of bourbon in front of Bruce.

BARTENDER:

Will that be cash, Mr. Campbell?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 16.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

No. My agent Mr. Toddner will be

picking this one up.

Mills’ frown suggests he clearly wasn’t planning on

buying, but what the hell. As Bruce guzzles his drink...

MILLS:

Why not. It’s special occasion.

BRUCE:

Yeah. The night I finally fire

your polyester ass.

MILLS:

Brucie! Why all the hostility?

BRUCE:

I’m just getting warmed up. And

don’t give me that innocent look!

I’ve just spent six days of my

life making a sequel to one of the

worst movies ever made!

MILLS:

You’ve made worse.

(that didn’t help!)

Come on. The customer reviews on

Amazon were great!

BRUCE:

The ones I posted!

Bruce polishes off his drink, wincing at the burn, as

Mills motions for him to sit.

MILLS:

Park it, B.C., unload. That’s why

I’m here.

BRUCE:

It’s just... I feel like I’m

losing my muse.

Mills blinks, an “oh God, not this again” expression.

MILLS:

Say what?

BRUCE:

The innocent, child-like quality

all great artists tap to

“create”...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 17.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

While Bruce pontificates, Mills wearily motions for

another drink, spreading his fingers to indicate he’d

like a double.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

They say an actor’s life is like a

painting, a work in progress, but

how can I create my masterpiece

when my paint’s drying up, my

canvas is cracked and my brushes

are coated in fake monster blood.

Mills brings back his game face as Bruce finishes.

MILLS:

It’s Deborah, isn’t it?

BRUCE:

No.

MILLS:

It’s been almost a year since your

divorce.

BRUCE:

I said no.

MILLS:

You need to put her out of your

mind.

BRUCE:

If I say “no” three times will the

Candyman come out?!

(slides back)

Screw this. You were fired when I

walked in and you’re twice as

fired now...

As Bruce slides back, getting ready to leave...

MILLS:

Leave now, you’ll never know what

I got you for your birthday.

The moment of actual sentiment catches Bruce off guard.

BRUCE:

My birthday? You actually

remembered?

MILLS:

How could I forget? You’re my

numero uno client!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 18.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

If this is another Matthew Perry

movie...

MILLS:

Better.

BRUCE:

Give me a hint.

MILLS:

I thought you were firing me.

BRUCE:

Goddamn it, Mills!

MILLS:

Let’s just say it’s going to be

the best birthday you’ve ever had.

(snapping fingers)

Garcon! Bring Mr. Campbell

another highball! And pretzels

all around! Tonight we celebrate!

OFF Bruce sorely tempted, easily suckered by Mills’ offer

of a snazzy birthday present...

EXT. MUSSO AND FRANKS - NIGHT

Mills and Bruce exit together, Bruce three-sheets drunk

and stumbling while Mills continues to console him.

BRUCE:

(slurring)

Happy birthday... to me... happy

birthday... to muhhhh...

Bruce grabs Mill’s face with both hands, squeezing it.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

I wuv you, man.

MILLS:

(“I know you do.”)

Uh ow ah ou.

Bruce releases Mills as Mills’ Porsche Boxster comes up.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 19.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

MILLS (CONT’D)

Enjoy what you’ve got, Bruce. You

know how many wannabe Oliviers

would quick-lime their

Grandmothers for a career like

yours?

Sloppy drunk and emotional, Bruce lunges at Mills again,

trying to squeeze his face.

BRUCE:

Would ‘ou be my Grandmama?

MILLS:

No. But thanks for the offer.

Mills manages to duck him this time and duck into his

car. As Mills pulls out, Bruce motions to the valet, who

trots off to get Bruce’s car.

BRUCE:

Maybe he’s right. Hell, I am a

lucky fella. I’ve got my

health...

(racking cough)

...JE-sus... my divorce is almost

final...

(getting angry)

...lousy whore...

(revving up)

...and I’ve got my fans... my

loyal fans... who hated my last

movie... hated my last five

movies... me and my wonderful,

wonderful FANS...

As if on unfortunate cue, Bruce hears a “clop THUD clop

THUD” as the limping fan he ran down at the studio

hobbles toward him.

DEVOTED FAN:

Mr. Campbell, Mr. Campbe...

BRUCE:

Lucky friggin’ ME!!

WUMP! Bruce throws a punch into the limping fan’s gut.

Stunned, the fan drops to his knees, holding out the

autographed photo he got earlier from Bruce as...

BRUCE’S PINTO pulls up, the Valet screeching it to a halt

in a haze of exhaust. The Valet steps out, holding out

his hand for a tip, and Bruce plucks the photo from the

gasping fan’s hand and passes it to the Valet.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 20.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Merry Christmas.

As Bruce roars off, swerving into the street, the gasping

Devoted Fan grabs to get back his photo.

DEVOTED FAN:

Give it back! That’s mine!

The fan and the Valet get into a pitched fight over the

glossy as the Pinto roars off into the distance...

EXT. ROAD - SAWVILLE - NIGHT

A POLICE CAR is driving down a lonely stretch of road.

INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT

Uniformed Officer KELBO behind the wheel. 30ish,

moustache, typical small town cop. As he drives, we can

hear POLICE CALLS over the radio.

DISPATCHER (RADIO)

Kelbo, this is dispatch. We’re

getting calls about weird noises

in the woods off Crescent, over.

COP’S VOICE (RADIO)

Roger that. I’m coming up on

Crescent now, over.

As Kelbo hangs up the microphone, suddenly

A BIRD HITS THE WINDSHIELD OF HIS CAR!

Startled, Kelbo hits the brakes and goes into a sideways

skid, stopping by the side of the road. He’s in the

middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods.

KELBO:

Damn.

Kelbo steps out of the car to check the damage. The

impact has spider-webbed the windshield and left spatters

of blood on the white hood. Disgusted, Kelbo starts

wiping up the blood on the hood. But as he cleans a

patch, suddenly

MORE BLOOD APPEARS. Then blood drips on his hand. With

dawning apprehension, Kelbo realizes the blood is

dripping down from above. He slowly turns, looking up...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 21.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

INTO THE SHADOWED FACE OF THE CHINESE DEMON! There’s a

silvery GLINT. A blade SLASHES forward. OFF Kelbo’s

aborted SCREAM...

EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The Pinto winds down a scrubby driveway and pulls up to a

dilapidated

TRAILER HOUSE:

in the middle of nowhere, banging over a row of garbage

cans. Still drunk, Bruce gets out, grabbing a grubby

suitcase from the back of the car. He stagger-walks to

the door, walking over a mess of gathering mail, mostly

magazines like HUSTLER, JUGGS, 40 D-CUPPER...

INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Cradling the magazines and mail in his arms, Bruce pushes

the door open and enters, tossing the mail on a couch.

We HEAR the tinkle-bell of a dog collar and little feet

rustling as Bruce’s arrival arouses his dog.

BRUCE:

Here boy. Come’mere, Sam’nRob.

The little dog enters the front room, stops at Bruce’s

feet and GROWLS MENACINGLY.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Whatsamatter boy? Whatsamatter

with poor widdle Sam’nRob?

The little dog continues to SNARL until Bruce remembers

something. He pulls a brown paper bag from his jacket

pocket and pulls out a pint of cheap bourbon. He

unscrews the top and pours it into a doggie bowl.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Thought I forgot, didn’t you?

As “Sammy” starts to drink greedily from the bowl, Bruce

idly checks some of the “envelope” mail. Virtually every

letter has red ink on it and says something about “FINAL

NOTICE” or “THIRD REMINDER.” He tosses the mail and

plops down in front of his ancient

BLACK AND WHITE TELEVISION, replete with coat-hanger

rabbit ears. Using a primitive remote, he switches the

set on and gets a static ridden image of an

“Entertainment Tonight” type announcer on a studio set.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 22.

CONTINUED:

INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SET

(Still in Bruce’s B/W) The ANNOUNCER WOMAN is finishing a

typical ET/Access Hollywood type story...

ANNOUNCER:

...studio sources say Tom Hanks’

next project will be released next

Summer...

BRUCE:

(mocking voice)

Duh duh, “Bubba Gump,” yup yup

yup...

ANNOUNCER:

Next, we take a scarrrry look at

the life and times of B-movie

horror star Bruce Campbell...

IN BRUCE’S LIVING ROOM, the thought of a actual publicity

gives Bruce a smile. He tips up his bourbon bottle,

toasting the screen.

BRUCE:

Now we’re cookin’!

A Photo of a smiling Bruce appears on screen, followed by

the chironed letters: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

ANNOUNCER:

Campbell, best known for his roles

in the horrific Evil Dead films,

appears to have disappeared from

the entertainment scene...

Stunned, Bruce SPITS out a spew of bourbon.

BRUCE:

Huh?!

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, our “Where Are They Now”

reporter Charlie Payne takes an

affectionate look back on a

promising career that many feel

was squandered on low budget

trash...

Bruce drains his pint and PITCHES the empty bottle at the

TV, hitting the off-button.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 23.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Those BASTARDS!!

Staggering, enraged, Bruce goes to a cupboard and

rummages through a half dozen empty whiskey bottles.

There isn’t another drop in the house.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

They’re making me sound like a hasbeen! Like I’m all washed up...

Desperate for more booze, Bruce notices “SamNRob” still

lapping at the bourbon Bruce poured into his bowl. Bruce

suddenly drops to his knees and grabs the bowl away from

the snarling dog.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

They’re making me look pathetic!

Bruce tips up the filthy doggie bowl and gulps down the

rest of the bourbon, booze spilling down his shirt,

enraged at his depiction on the show. OFF this moment...

INT. DEBORAH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Bruce’s ex-wife DEBORAH, 30’s and attractive, is rolling

over in bed, fumbling sleepily with the phone. The light

up clock next to her bed says 3:14 AM.

DEBORAH:

Oh God...

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Bruce’s on his bed, hair sticking out wildly, tanked,

phone cradled against his shoulder.

BRUCE:

Hey, Deb. It’s me.

DEBORAH:

What now, Bruce?

BRUCE:

I was just, you know, celebrating

the almost-wrap of my latest

picture... just one more day...

Bruce’s dog GROWLS LOUDLY off camera.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 24.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DEBORAH:

You got into the dog’s bowl again.

BRUCE:

(yelling at dog)

QUIET! Selfish mutt...

DEBORAH:

It’s your birthday, isn’t it?

Every year, it’s the same old

“poor me” routine.

BRUCE:

Can’t a guy get bombed and call

his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning

without it “meaning” something?

DEBORAH:

Bruce, I talked to Mills.

BRUCE:

Yeah? What did ol’ ten percent

have to say?

DEBORAH:

Just that you were depressed. So

he’s planning something special

for your birthday.

BRUCE:

(perks up)

Did he say what?

DEBORAH:

It’s a surprise!

BRUCE:

Come on...

DEBORAH:

Bruce...

BRUCE:

(annoying baby-talk)

Pweese pweese pweese Debwah...

DEBORAH:

I’m hanging up...

Bruce’s face falls.

BRUCE:

No, don’t. I’m sorry, baby.

(sniffling)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 25.

CONTINUED:

(MORE) (CONTINUED)

How did things get so messed up

between us?

DEBORAH:

You slept with the dog sitter.

BRUCE:

One stupid mistake...

DEBORAH:

All of them.

BRUCE:

Twelve stupid mistakes. I was

mixed up, crazy... God, I miss you

and the kids...

DEBORAH:

What kids?

BRUCE:

The ones we would have had, if

we’d just held on...

Deborah takes a breath.

DEBORAH:

You want the truth about us,

Bruce? It wasn’t the cheating or

the boozing or the endless whining

that killed our marriage. You

just couldn’t commit. To our

relationship, your career, to much

of anything...

(getting mean)

Go ahead. Name one single thing

you stuck through to the end.

Drunk, Bruce has to think a second, then finally:

BRUCE:

Dogs always had a sitter...

SLAM *CLICK* buzzzzz. Bruce just sits there, mulling

drunkenly over his life of missed opportunities...

IN DEBORAH’S BEDROOM, Deborah hangs up the phone and

rolls over, revealing MILLS, Bruce’s agent, lying in bed

beside her.

MILLS:

Gimme some sugar, baby.

As Deborah GIGGLES and they kiss...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 26.

CONTINUED:
(2)

BRUCE (CONT'D)

INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT

THUD THUD THUD. Someone’s banging on the trailer house

door. Bruce, hair sticking out, face pale, looking like

a walking hangover, stumbles toward the door.

BRUCE:

Keep your pants on fer Chrissakes,

it’s four in the friggin’

mornin’...

Bruce throws open the door and... nobody’s there.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Ho ho. Very funny.

He stands there a second, bleary and blinking, then

notices something glistening at his feet. Curious, he

bends down and reaches for a SHINY NEW QUARTER.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Saaayyyy. A brand new quar--

Suddenly a metal baseball bat swings down and CRACKS HIM

across the back of the head. As Bruce drops, CUT TO

BLACK.

INT. TRUNK OF CAR - NIGHT

As an engine rumbles, Bruce, jammed in the trunk, wakes

up. Dazed, he lifts his head and CRACKS it against the

trunk lid. Cramped, barely able to move, he slowly

realizes where he is.

BRUCE:

What the hell -- ?

He pushes against the trunk lid, trying to force it open.

No good. Annoyed, he starts to YELL.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hey! HEY!!! Lemme out of here!

The car hits a hard BUMP, jarring Bruce, as JEFF’S

MUFFLED VOICE calls back.

JEFF (O.S.)

Mr. Campbell? Are you okay?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 27.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Who are you? Who hit me?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Jeff is behind the wheel, driving down a dark highway.

JEFF:

Uhh, that would be me. Sorry!

BRUCE:

(sarcastic)

Oh. Well. As long as you’re

sorry...

JEFF:

Really?

They hit another bump, slamming Bruce up against the

trunk lid.

BRUCE:

OWW!! NO!!!

(kicking at lid)

Let me out of here, you psycho

freak!

JEFF:

I can’t. Not until we get to

town.

(helpful)

I put some Twinkies and a couple

magazines in the side pocket. And

there’s a flashlight next to the

spare.

Disgruntled but not really knowing what else to do, Bruce

finds the flashlight and switches it on. Near his head

he finds a couple issues of FANGORIA and RUE MORGUE. As

Bruce stares at the mags in disbelief...

BRUCE:

No no no...

JEFF:

I know you’re probably sore and

tired and suffering from a

concussion, but... is it true

you’re doing a sequel to

Cavealien?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 28.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

What?!

JEFF:

That’s probably my favorite movie

of all time!

BRUCE:

Oh my God. He’s a fan. (screaming)

HELP!!! HELP!!!

BAM! Another bump slams Bruce’s head again.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

GAWW! For God’s sake, could you

at least go easy on the bumps?

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

As Jeff’s car speeds down the road, reveal a sign: “ROUGH

ROAD NEXT 75 MILES.” As the car bumps along...

EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

A FARMER steps out his front door with a shotgun, looking

off his porch into the darkness. His WIFE stands behind

him, anxious.

WIFE:

What is it, Hank?

HANK:

I don’t know. Thought I heard

something in the barn.

Serious, he PUMPS his shotgun.

HANK (CONT’D)

Stay inside. Bolt the door.

Don’t open it, no matter what you

hear!

Scared, the wife closes the door.

INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

Her back against the door, the Wife listens as Hank’s

footsteps crunch off toward the barn. A barn door CREAKS

open. The footsteps enter, fading away.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 29.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

Then suddenly there are MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS! The Wife

GASPS, shocked.

WIFE:

Oh dear Lord...

She hears frantic running, then something SLAMS against

the door. POUNDS AGAINST THE WOOD.

HANK (O.S.)

Open the door! Open the door!!

For Christ’s sake, OPEN THE DOOR!

Terrified, the Wife throws open the door... only to find

her husband Hank standing there, LAUGHING. It was a sick

practical joke.

HANK (CONT’D)

Haw haw haw!!

WIFE:

You bastard! I can’t believe you

punked me like that!

HANK:

You should have seen your face!

Told you to never open the do--

Suddenly a SAMURAI BLADE erupts through Hank’s chest. He

looks down, gasping in shock, blood spilling from the

wound... the eerie silhouette of

THE CHINESE DEMON visible behind him. OFF this...

EXT. SAWVILLE - DAY

The “Welcome To Sawville” sign, still dripping with

(dried and yucky) egg yolk. A hand reaches in and

changes the population number “2649” into “2646” with a

quick stroke of paint...

INT. TRUNK OF CAR - DAY

Bruce is lying, cramped and half asleep, when the trunk

lid suddenly flies open and he’s doused in bright

sunshine. Wincing in the light, a sticky Twinkie wrapper

stuck to his cheek, Bruce JUMPS UP and suddenly FREEZES.

BRUCE:

Uhhhh...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 30.

CONTINUED:

EXT. SAWVILLE - MAIN STREET - DAY

PULL BACK to reveal Jeff’s car surrounded by two dozen

Sawville townfolk, all rural types, who let out a semirousing CHEER as Bruce staggers out of the trunk.

TOWNSFOLK:

Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

BRUCE:

What th --

The bearded MAYOR of Sawville steps forward,

authoritative, offering his hand to a bewildered Bruce.

MAYOR:

Welcome to Sawville, Mr. Campbell!

BRUCE:

“Sawville?”

(peels off Twinkie

wrapper)

Where the f*** is “Sawville?”

Jeff, wearing a CAVEALIEN tee-shirt, rushes around from

the driver’s side of the car, surprised by Bruce’s

outburst. Trying to calm him.

JEFF:

Easy, man. That’s the Mayor!

BRUCE:

I don’t care if he’s the King of

Kiss-My-Ass-ia! I just spent six

hours in a TRUNK. I want some

answers, chop chop!

Bruce waits, looking out across the stunned/dull faces of

the Townsfolk, momentarily locking eyes with

KELLY, 30-ish and pretty. It’s a “love at first sight”

moment for Bruce, complete with a slow motion “hair

shake” from Kelly. He attempts a suave gesture, despite

the “bed head” hairdo from his trunk ride.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Holy --

(recovering)

Don’t worry, sweet-stuff. When

I’m done with these yokels, I’ve

got a pair of lips with your name

on ‘em.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 31.

(CONTINUED)

She holds Bruce’s look for a moment, almost like she’s

going to respond, then she shakes her head again, this

time in utter disdain.

KELLY:

You’ve got to be kidding.

As Kelly pulls away from the crowd. Bruce snaps back

into “I’m pissed!” mode.

BRUCE:

Well?! Don’t all talk at once!

One of the Townfolk tries another desultory cheer.

TOWN GUY:

Hip hip...

(no one is helping)

Uhh...

BRUCE:

Maybe you don’t get “moving

pichters” in this fart-hole, so

let me explain something. I’m a

“movie star.” Tinseltown.

Lights, camera, etc.? When Bruce

Campbell says frog, production

assistants jump!

(leaning into it)

I even know Sam Raimi!

There’s a muffled, awed “ooooh” from the crowd.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

So when you kidnapped me, you

didn’t just commit a crime against

me... this is a crime against art!

(looks at watch)

In fact, I was due on set three

hours ago. You can bet they’ll

pull out the stops to get me back!

To amplify this point, we suddenly CUT TO:

INT. SOUNDSTAGE (EXT. WOODS) - DAY

The myopic Director peers through his coke bottle

glasses, setting up what looks like the tenth scene of

the day, his cameraman nearby.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 32.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

ON SET, Petra, her uniform unzipped to reveal

considerable cleavage, is in the clutches of the

Cavealien creature, which looks remarkably notfrightening from this angle.

DIRECTOR:

Okay, looks good...

(squinting)

Wait a second. What are those

bulges on his chest?

D.P.

Breasts. That’s Petra.

DIRECTOR:

(squints again)

Thought it was Bruce.

D.P.

A-hole didn’t show up. Bob from

the machine shop is going to play

him for the rest of the shoot.

The D.P. hooks a thumb toward a guy who looks nothing

like Bruce, but is wearing Bruce’s space uniform while

covering the bottom half of his face with a cape, like

Dracula. (This is a direct homage to PLAN NINE FROM

OUTER SPACE, where the awful double for a dead Bela

Lugosi covered his face with a cape.)

The Director considers a moment, then shrugs.

DIRECTOR:

Oh. Okay.

(to Petra)

Action!!

EXT. SAWVILLE STREET - DAY

CUT BACK to Bruce exactly where we left him before the

cutaway, still checking his watch.

BRUCE:

So as much as I’d love to stick

around until the FBI rips you griteaters a new one...

JEFF:

But your agent said you were

“between jobs.”

Bruce shakes his head in disbelief.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 33.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

You called my agent?

JEFF:

He was very helpful.

BRUCE:

That couldn’t have been Toddner...

Bruce stops. Dawning realization washing over him.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Wait a minute. What else did he

say?

JEFF:

Just something about not booking

you on your birthday...

BRUCE:

Birthday...? Birthday...? Say...

As this sinks in, a light comes on for Bruce. His

birthday? He suddenly looks at the Mayor and Townfolk

through new eyes.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Mills, you magnificent bastard.

When you said you had a

“surprise” in store...

More blank looks. They have no idea what Bruce is

talking about.

MAYOR:

Mr. Campbell, I realize this is

rather... unorthodox, but Jeffrey

tells us your skills extend beyond

the Thespian...

(dramatic beat)

And the town of Sawville

desperately needs your help.

Bruce sees the Mayor through new eyes, assessing his

performance.

BRUCE:

That’s good. You’re good.

MAYOR:

(perplexed)

Thank you...?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 34.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

Bruce considers a moment, rubbing his aching head, then

makes a decision.

BRUCE:

Let’s say I decide to play along.

What’s next?

MAYOR:

Well, uhh, we’ve arranged a

presentation at City Hall.

Rejuvenated, Bruce glances over the heads of the

Townsfolk and notices cute Kelly entering an official

looking building.

BRUCE:

(re:
Kelly)

Is that where Miss Make-My-Day is

headed?

MAYOR:

As a matter of fact...

Bruce smiles, definitely getting into the “ruse.”

BRUCE:

Lead the way, gents!

INT. CITY HALL - DAY

The Mayor, Jeff and the other Townfolk gather in the

town’s small “town hall”, outfitted with benches and a

slide projector in the middle of the chairs. As Bruce

enters, he makes a point of looking for

KELLY. She’s sitting between two FARMERS, but Bruce

doesn’t care. He pushes down the crowded row...

FARMER:

Ow... my foot!

FARMER #2

Aghh, my corns!

BRUCE:

(to farmer by Kelly)

Yo, Jimmy Dean. You’re in my

seat.

The Farmer scoots down and Bruce squeezes in next to

Kelly. The slide projector is right behind Bruce’s

shoulder. Kelly shoots Bruce a cold look but holds her

tongue.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 35.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(whispering)

You’re probably can’t break

character, but I gotta tell you,

you guys really had me going.

KELLY:

What?

BRUCE:

For a second I thought I was in a

remake of “Deliverance” and

somebody was about to tell me to

go “soo-eeey!”

As Kelly reacts poorly to the slur, the oblivious Bruce

offers his hand.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Sorry, I should have introduced

myself. I’m Bruce. Bruce

Campbell.

Kelly unenthusiastically shakes Bruce’s hand.

KELLY:

Kelly Graham.

BRUCE:

Graham. Bet all the boys go

“crackers” over you.

KELLY:

(not amused)

Ha ha ha.

BRUCE:

Me, I could have sworn your name

was Daisy.

KELLY:

Why?

BRUCE:

Because I have this crazy urge to

“plant” one on you.

Aghast, Kelly starts to get up.

KELLY:

I have to go...

But as Kelly rises, the Mayor and Jeff motion for her to

stay put. They don’t want to rile Bruce back up.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 36.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

As she reluctantly sits back down, more people enter and

take seats. The Mayor goes to the front of the room,

standing next to a projector screen.

MAYOR:

Mr. Campbell, if you’re ready?

BRUCE:

Knock yourself out, Whiskers.

As the lights dim, Bruce lounges back, elbows on the back

of his chair, a cocky look, like he loves being the

center of attention...

MAYOR:

As we all know, Sawville was

mining country before the logging

industry moved in...

FIRST SLIDE:
A shot of an old mine entrance.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

In the late 1860’s, hundreds of

Chinese immigrants came to our

shores to help work the claims.

SECOND SLIDE:
Photo of a modern Chinese Restaurant.

While the slides continue, Bruce continues his line of

patter with poor Kelly.

BRUCE:

Kelly’s an Irish name, isn’t it?

(bad Irish accent)

Maybe later you can show me your

“Lucky Charms.”

As Kelly squirms at Bruce’s attempts to “charm” her...

MAYOR:

The largest mine was the Triple

T., run with an iron fist by the

legendary Thomas T. Tripletee.

THIRD SLIDE:
A photo of a harsh looking man with a

handlebar moustache. Dressed in 1860-style finery.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

At her height, the Triple T

employed hundreds of Chinese

immigrant laborers. They worked

long hours, in harsh and primitive

conditions, surviving on rice and

bean curd...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 37.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

FOURTH SLIDE:
A historical photo of overworked Chinese

laborers standing in front of a primitive mine. They

look bedraggled and skinny. Bruce nudges Kelly.

BRUCE:

You want primitive, you should

have seen craft services on my

last picture! Licorice sticks

were like tent stakes!

Kelly glares at Bruce, incredulous.

MAYOR:

Then disaster struck. A cave-in.

Over a hundred Chinese workers

were buried alive. Sawville was

devastated...

FOURTH SLIDE:
Photo of the front page of the local paper,

“The Sawville Gazette”, circa 1860. The big headline

reads:
CAVE IN CLOSES TRIPLE T. Next headline: FOREMAN

SUFFERS BROKEN LEG. Next headline (smallest): CALL GOES

OUT, SEND MORE CHINESE.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

Soon after, rumors began to spread

of a curse.

FIFTH SLIDE:
A colorful image of the “Guan-Di” warrior, a

mythical Samurai with flowing robes, glowing red eyes and

a deadly sword.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

Legend has it that a Chinese demon

was summoned to protect the

spirits of all those who died.

SIXTH SLIDE:
A shadowy, out of focus image of the Chinese

Demon, barely visible but pretty damn creepy.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

An amateur photographer captured

this image almost fifty years ago,

when the demon was last thought

active... in fact this is the only

copy of that rare photo...

BRUCE:

(blowing it off)

Yeah, yeah, real scary.

(to Kelly)

Look, baby, when this is over, how

about you and me sharing a bottle

of Chateau La Partydown?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 38.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

KELLY:

I barely know you!

BRUCE:

Couple glasses of Sawville’s

finest and we’ll be the best of

friends. I may not be Fred

Flintstone, but trust me, I can

still make your “bed rock”...

Kelly suddenly explodes.

KELLY:

That’s it! You are, without a

doubt, the rudest, crudest, most

insincere jackass I’ve ever met!

As she stands, Bruce also rises, his arm bumping the

slide projector and jamming the lens against the hot

bulb. As the precious demon image MELTS AND BURNS...

BRUCE:

Crude?!

(loud, to room)

What crawled up her crack and

died?

As Kelly tries to get down the row, the Mayor desperately

tries to salvage the situation.

MAYOR:

We need a champion, Mr. Campbell.

A warrior who understands these

dark forces.

Bruce glances over his shoulder, looks over the group.

BRUCE:

Great. Want me to pick somebody?

MAYOR:

Actually, Jeff told us that you

had some... experience with evil

spirits.

BRUCE:

Moi? Gents, you got me all wr...

Suddenly there’s the hideous SCREECH of FINGERNAILS on a

blackboard, followed by a wizened CACKLE from the back of

the room. All eyes turn toward the rear of the hall and

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 39.

CONTINUED:
(4)

(CONTINUED)

WING, a small, elderly Chinese man with a wispy goatee,

wearing traditional Chinese robes. He has brought a

small portable chalkboard just to make the screech noise.

WING:

Be warned. He who confronts the

Guan-Di confronts death itself.

Bruce slips down the aisle and walks back to Wing.

BRUCE:

Hello, second act escalation.

(to Mayor)

What’s with the fortune cookie?

MAYOR:

His name is Wing. The last living

descendant of the dead laborers.

For punctuation, Wing scratches his nails across the

blackboard again. Bruce winces and grabs the blackboard

away from him, tosses it aside.

BRUCE:

“Jaws.” We get it.

WING:

The Guan-Di has been unleashed

from his resting place.

As Wing says this, he looks straight Jeff, who winces

guiltily. Bruce, meanwhile, misunderstands “Guan-Di” for

“Gandhi.”

BRUCE:

Always figured this “Gandhi” fella

for being some sorta pushover in a

diaper...

WING:

The Guan-Di is a great warrior.

Protector of the dead, savior of

the innocent and of bean curd...

BRUCE:

Bean curd?

WING:

It’s a Chinese thing.

(intense)

The graves of the dead were

disturbed and the Guan-Di will not

rest until this sacrilege has been

avenged.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 40.

CONTINUED:
(5)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

And when exactly will that happen?

WING:

When every blood relative of the

one responsible lies rotting in

the Earth.

Oddly, Bruce brightens at that.

BRUCE:

Well hell. There can’t be that

many.

(looks across room)

Blood relatives, raise your hands.

Virtually every hand in the City Hall goes up.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Remind me to lock my door tonight.

WING:

(points at Bruce)

He will continue to kill, and with

each death his strength will

increase. Anyone who tries to

interfere... will die...

A light bulb suddenly EXPLODES overhead, sending a shower

of sparks down on the frightened crowd. Everyone turns,

including Bruce. Then someone looks back toward Wing and

GASPS.

TOWN GUY:

Wing’s gone!

TOWN GUY 2

He’s gone!

Bruce turns and sure enough, Wing has disappeared. As

the Townsfolk murmur uneasily, Bruce looks out the

window...

EXT. SAWVILLE STREET - DAY

Bruce sees Wing walking nonchalantly down the sidewalk,

clutching a bowling ball bag.

BRUCE:

Uhh --

INT. CITY HALL - DAY

Bruce is about to tell the people in the hall about his

“Wing spotting” when the Mayor SHOUTS over the voices.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 41.

CONTINUED:
(6)

(CONTINUED)

MAYOR:

Mr. Campbell, the future of

Sawville rests in your hands.

The place goes silent. Waiting for Bruce’s response.

Bruce gauges them, then...

BRUCE:

Lemme get this straight. One of

your boys goes Giambi on my skull,

locks me in a trunk and drags me

to hayseed central... and now you

expect me to lay my life on the

line against some supernatural

hell-spawn?

The Mayor looks at the other townfolk, shrugs.

MAYOR:

Ehh, more or less.

Bruce looks across the desperate Townies. His face is

arrogant until he spots Kelly, standing by the door,

hesitating as she awaits his answer.

BRUCE:

Lucky for you, I find myself at a

crossroads in my life. Struggling

to find the artist, the “hero”

that I know still lies deep inside

me.

The faces go from desperate to blank. But everyone

continues to listen.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Maybe that’s why I’m here, to

rekindle that spirit.

(revving himself up)

It’s the ultimate acting

challenge. “Method” times ten, a

way to reclaim my dying muse...

MAYOR:

Will you help us, Mr. Campbell?

Bruce sucks in his gut, puffs out his chest and strikes a

heroic pose.

BRUCE:

Can.

(pregnant pause)

And will!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 42.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

As CHEERS erupt from the grateful crowd and Bruce exults

in their “love”...

INT. JEFF’S CAR - DAY

Bruce rides in the passenger seat as Jeff drives. Bruce

is leaning back in the seat, waving like a Rose Parade

Princess as they pass overjoyed pedestrians.

BRUCE:

So you’re telling me the whole

town’s in on this?

JEFF:

(puzzled)

Well, yeah.

BRUCE:

Guess it’s like some crazy fundraiser, huh? Instead of a bakesale, you turn your town into

Demonsville for a few weeks a

year.

JEFF:

No... I mean...

(distraught)

My friend Clayton was killed by

this thing. I had to do

something.

Bruce nods knowingly, thinking Jeff’s still trying to

stay in character.

BRUCE:

That’s cool. Professional

courtesy. No more questions.

(looks out window)

So what’s next, kid?

JEFF:

Town’s throwing a party for you

tonight. Sort of a send off

before you head into battle.

(tentative smile)

Something I’d like to show you

first.

Jeff pulls off the road and turns up a driveway, driving

past a house toward a TRAILER parked on a hill. As they

approach, Bruce’s jaw drops open. The trailer is dead

ringer for his Victorville digs.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 43.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

You gotta be shittin’ me.

INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY

The door pushes in and Jeff ushers the perplexed but

still game Bruce through the door. As they enter, the

lights are off and the front room is in shadow. Jeff

reaches for the light switch and clicks it on, and

BRUCE STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. Jeff’s trailer is a virtual

shrine to all things Bruce Campbell. There are movie

posters, scripts and 8 x 10 glossies... DVDs, videos and

laserdiscs... scrapbooks of newspaper articles, trade

ads, Bruce’s books, etc.

BRUCE:

Kid, if your last name’s “Lector”

I’m outta here...

Jeff shrugs, self-conscious but still proud.

JEFF:

Guess I am kind of a fan.

Stunned, Bruce looks around the collection. There’s a

demon mask from the first EVIL DEAD. A bottle of bug goo

from ALIEN APOCALYPSE. A shoulder patch from the

CAVEALIEN movie.

BRUCE:

“Kinda?” Only thing missing is a

stool sample!

Bruce notices the Chinese Amulet that Jeff stole from the

graveyard hanging from a Bruce action figure. Bruce

grabs the amulet, checking it out.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

This doesn’t ring a bell...

Jeff grabs it back, stuffing it in his pocket.

JEFF:

That’s... personal.

Oblivious, Bruce keeps looking, surprised to find a photo

of him with his ex-wife Deborah tucked in with the other

memorabilia. Touched by the old photo, which had been

taken in happier times, Bruce takes it off the shelf.

BRUCE:

Where did you get this?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 44.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

JEFF:

Www.photos-of-bruce-campbell-withhis-ex-wife-deborah dot com.

(watching Bruce)

You... miss her, don’t you?

Bruce stares at the photo.

BRUCE:

Guess I do. But sometimes things

happen between people that you

just can’t take back.

JEFF:

Like the dog-sitters?

Bruce does a double-take.

BRUCE:

How the hell --

JEFF:

It was in Fangoria!

(as Bruce recovers)

Look, I know this was a huge

imposition, Mr. Campbell, so

whatever you need, just let me

know.

Bruce can’t help it. He’s starting to like this kid.

BRUCE:

First of all, “Mr. Campbell” makes

soup. You can call me Bruce.

Bruce sniffs his arm pits, grimacing.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

And if you really wanna get on my

good side, fetch me a bottle of

Jack, a bar of soap, then point me

toward the nearest motel with hot

water and a naked cheerleaders

channel.

JEFF:

(thinking)

Hmm. Closest motel is the Pink

Lumberjack...

Bruce tightens at that.

BRUCE:

Keep going.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 45.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

JEFF:

Then there’s the Manflower on

Route 99, Ryan’s Rear-Entry on Old

Prescott Road, and...

BRUCE:

Maybe I’ll just spruce up here.

Jeff is thrilled. A visit from his hero!

JEFF:

Really? Wow! Great! I brought

some fresh clothes from your

trailer.

BRUCE:

That’s wonderful, kid...

Bruce is about to respond when he notices a shelf of handlabelled video tapes.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Jesus God. You actually have

every episode of Jack Of All

Trades?

JEFF:

Yeah. Want to watch one?

Bruce reluctantly tosses his jacket across the couch.

BRUCE:

I’m gonna regret this.

OFF Jeff’s hero-worshipping smile...

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

The Chinese cemetery visible out front. Wing, the

Chinese Man, moves through the old stones toward the

foreboding cave site.

WING:

(to “ancestors”)

They allowed you to die... left it

to the few who survived to tend

your spirits...

EXT. CAVE - DAY

Wing goes up to the cave and sits at the entrance, the

wind whistling eerily around him.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 46.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

WING:

I pray to you, Guan-Di, for

vengeance. I pray for you to

destroy them all...

(with intensity)

Especially the demon-fighter

known... as Campbell...

INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY

Bruce steps out of the trailer’s bathroom, dressed in

fresh clothes, still toweling his hair dry. Curious,

Bruce holds out a small bottle with an “EVIL DEAD” logo

but Japanese lettering identifying the actual product.

BRUCE:

Ahh! Nothing like a shower to

wash your blues away!

(holding out bottle)

Where the heck did you find this

“Evil Dead” shampoo?

JEFF:

That’s drain cleaner!

Bruce stops drying his head, looking down as a big CLUMP

of hair falls from the towel.

BRUCE:

That would explain the burning

sensation.

Gingerly, Bruce tosses the towel aside, catching the

worshipful look from Jeff.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(off Jeff’s look)

What?

Jeff realizes he’s been staring and looks away, a little

embarrassed.

JEFF:

It’s just... you’re going up

against the Guan-Di tonight and

you’re not even scared.

Bruce looks at Jeff, assuming this is part of his

birthday present.

BRUCE:

Compared to Kandarian devils, this

Guan-Di cat’s no biggie-mo.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 47.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

JEFF:

Really?

BRUCE:

Look, kid, when you’re in the hero

business, there are only two

things you need to know. One,

monsters are mostly pussies. Two,

repeat number one.

JEFF:

Wow.

As Jeff reacts with awe, Bruce slaps his belly, “I’m

hungry!” style.

BRUCE:

Now, think a hungry demon slayer

could score a few Slim-Jims, then

catch a ride into town?

EXT. SAWVILLE STREET - DAY

Jeff pulls up to the curb in his pick-up and Bruce slides

out, finishing his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Jeff nods down the street toward a bar and grill

festooned with plastic flags and decorations.

JEFF:

I promised to pick a few things up

for the party. Sure you’ll be all

right on your own?

Bruce glances down the street of the one-horse town.

BRUCE:

If I get lost, I’ll fire a flare.

As Jeff nervously pulls away, Bruce saunters down the

sidewalk, cocky as he nods and waves at passerby, playing

the role of “town hero” to the hilt. Passing a

GROCERY STORE with a display of apples out front, Bruce

grabs an apple and polishes it on his sleeve. The

SHOPKEEPER steps out, like he’s proud to have Bruce

pausing at his store. Bruce takes a big, juicy bite.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Nice apple!

Bruce raises an eyebrow, “thanks, pal” style, and

continues down the sidewalk, pausing in front of an

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 48.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

APPLIANCE STORE. A display of ghetto blaster radios out

front. As the APPLIANCE STORE OWNER watches, Bruce hefts

one of the radios, cranking up the sound.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Nice radio!

Assuming the radio is also “on the house”, Bruce just

walks off with it, leaving the speechless Appliance Store

Owner standing there, not sure how to react. A few

yards down, Bruce walks past an

ELDERLY MAN who gives Bruce the sign of the cross. Bruce

gives the guy a slap across the back.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Nice improv!

As Bruce continues on, a gaggle of excited

SCHOOL CHILDREN suddenly rush up and surround him, “hail

the conquering hero” style.

KIDS:

Mr. Campbell! Bruce! Bruce!

Bruce holds his arms out, savoring the adulation as he

continues down the sidewalk.

BRUCE:

What’s up, kids?

FIRST KID:

Are... are you really going to

save us from the monster?

BRUCE:

That’s the idea, son.

There’s a collective OOOOH from the youngsters. A SECOND

KID shows Bruce a crude crayola drawing of a cartoon

Bruce heroically stabbing a monster.

SECOND KID:

I drew this picture of you!

BRUCE:

Not bad, junior, not bad.

A THIRD KID shows Bruce a crude crayola drawing of a

cartoon Bruce getting his head torn off by a monster.

Blood spurting from his gaping neck wound.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 49.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

THIRD KID:

So did I!

Bruce double-takes, shoving the drawing back at the kid.

BRUCE:

Get with the program, Rembrandt.

As the kids continue to crowd around him, Bruce finally

arrives at...

EXT. GREENE’S BAR - DAY

A large banner across the front of the bar reads “HAIL

OUR CHAMPION:
BRUCE CAMBELL.” Bruce stops under the

banner, taking a second to study it.

BRUCE:

Memo to self, buy agent a

dictionary.

But before he can lament the poor spelling too long, he’s

spotted by various TOWNFOLK who rush up and surround him.

As Bruce exults in their adoration, the Townfolk lift him

on their collective shoulders and carry him inside...

CRACKING HIS HEAD on the door jamb. As he’s pulled

inside, rubbing his sore noggin...

INT. GREENE’S BAR - NIGHT

A small-town country dance-bar, with a wooden floor,

tables, and a long bar across one wall. A WOMAN wearing

an apron is behind the bar, back to us, as Bruce is

lowered to the floor by the crowd. Bruce steps up to the

bar like a movie cowboy, the Townfolk crowding around

him...

TOWNFOLK:

What do you want, Bruce? Open

bar! It’s on the house!

As the “waitress” bends over to grab a bottle, Bruce

checks out her ass, nudging the guy next to him.

BRUCE:

(re:
her butt)

Nothing like spending a night out

on Half Moon Bay, ehh, boys?

(to Woman behind bar)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 50.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Hey, baby, how about a sloe

comfortable screw up against the

wall...

As Bruce chortles at the old gag, the Woman turns,

revealing she’s KELLY. Bruce chokes on his laughter as

she glowers at him.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(*gulp*)

...with a lime twist?

Nonchalant, Kelly picks up a bowl of pretzels, offering

them to Bruce.

KELLY:

Pretzel?

BRUCE:

(reaching to bowl)

Don’t mind if I...

Kelly suddenly THROWS the entire bowl into Bruce’s face.

As Bruce recovers, Kelly starts making Bruce’s drink.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Look, I know what you’re thinking.

Movie-star like yours truly might

look down his schnoze at an every

day waitress, but trust me, dollface, that’s not how the Bruce-man

operates.

She’s almost done making the drink.

KELLY:

I own this place.

BRUCE:

(relieved)

On the other hand, movie star like

me doing a plain-vanilla waitress

would be a definite step down...

Kelly pick up the drink as if to pass it over, then

laconically THROWS IT into Bruce’s face. The Townfolk

GASP, but Bruce just accepts it.

KELLY:

Want another?

Bruce licks at the drink as it spills around his face.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 51.

CONTINUED:

BRUCE (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

In a glass would be nice.

(off her glare)

Is it me, or did we get off on the

wrong foot?

In the background, Jeff enters, carrying some boxes.

KELLY:

We never “got off” at all, and if

there’s a God, we never will.

(glances toward Jeff)

Unfortunately, my son seems to

think you’re some kind of hero.

Bruce follows her eyes, realizes she’s looking at Jeff.

BRUCE:

Ultra-fan belongs to you?

Bruce takes Kelly’s hand, throwing an exaggerated look at

her ring finger.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

I don’t see a wedding ring...

KELLY:

That’s because Jeff’s father left

us. Right after Jeff was born.

BRUCE:

Must have been hard, raising a boy

on your own.

(big smile)

But in the “lemons into lemonade”

category, sounds like there’s no

reason you and I can’t do a little

of the ol’ “trains and tunnels”...

Kelly stares at Bruce, aghast.

KELLY:

Maybe it’s all a big joke to you,

but Jeff’s talked the whole town

into thinking you’re going to save

us from this “Guan-Di.”

BRUCE:

Right. And?

KELLY:

Far as I can tell, you’re totally

full of sh*t.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 52.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

Bruce is taken aback by that. There’s a long pause as he

considers the insult, then he breaks out laughing!

BRUCE:

I get it! You’re the meet-cute!

KELLY:

The what?

BRUCE:

Mills thought of everything! He’s

a genius!

Chortling, Bruce wanders across the bar, leaving Kelly

baffled. The Mayor comes over, mindful of her attitude,

still hoping and praying that Bruce can save them.

MAYOR:

Kelly, I know you don’t much like

the stranger, but we need someone

to go up against the demon.

The Mayor looks over at Bruce, almost as dubious as

Kelly.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

And right now, in an absolutely

tragic turn of events, he’s the

best we’ve got.

Bruce looks back at Kelly and the Mayor and laughs even

harder. OFF Kelly’s befuddlement...

EXT. SAWVILLE - SUNSET

The sun sets, the dazzling orange glow growing dim...

EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

As the last rays of the sun set, rocks begin to move in

front of the old cave, as if something is stirring

inside. Suddenly, a

BLOOD-SOAKED SWORD

splits through the stones. The Guan-Di emerging for

another night of vengeance...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 53.

CONTINUED:
(3)

INT. BAR - NIGHT

We HEAR a loud YEEEE-HAWWW, revealing the festivities are

in full swing. A band (The Smithereens?) is playing full

volume while Townfolk drink and dance. At the front of

this bacchanal, in the seat of honor at the front of the

hall,

BRUCE sits, massive joints of beef and turkey in each

hand, eating like King Henry the eighth.

BRUCE:

(spitting food)

More meat!!

As a SEXY WAITRESS hauls over another massive joint of

beef, Bruce grabs her and plops her into his lap. While

the Waitress GIGGLES at the attention,

KELLY watches all this with a disgusted glare. Suddenly,

there’s an announcement from a frontier-outfitted

SQUARE DANCE CALLER.

SQUARE DANCE CALLER

Ladies and gentlemen. Grab your

partners!

Enthusiastic townfolk “grab their partners” (male +

female) and sashay out toward the center of the floor.

With a smile, Bruce tosses his leg o’ whatever, pushes

past the Waitress and makes a bee-line toward Kelly.

BRUCE:

Ma’am, may I have this dance?

The Mayor shoots Kelly a look and she reluctantly comes

out around the bar, taking Bruce’s arm. Even though she

clearly doesn’t like being here, there’s something in

Bruce’s infectious, giddy enthusiasm that starts to get

to her. As they get in formation with the others, Bruce

whispers to her...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

You realize I have no idea what

I’m doing.

KELLY:

I’m sure that’s a first.

BRUCE:

Not really. I haven’t known what

I’ve been doing for years.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 54.

(CONTINUED)

Bruce keeps watching her, catching the hint of a smile.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Wait a minute. What was that?

KELLY:

Nothing.

BRUCE:

No no, both sides of your mouth

curled at the edges. There’s an

old Indian word for this

phenomena... Kawatatcheeacha...

Cherokee for “she who smiles at

one she is beginning to not hate.”

Kelly rolls her eyes, but not so mean this time. With a

hint of actual pleasure.

KELLY:

Shut up and dance.

A Square-Dance band takes position on the floor and the

room fills with music. The Square Dance Caller barks out

orders to the dancers.

SQUARE DANCE CALLER

Bow to your partner!

As the dancers begins to move, Kelly tries to help Bruce

navigate through the crowd.

KELLY:

Just follow my lead...

SQUARE DANCE CALLER

Now swing your partner and dosidoe, pass the axle then let go!

While Kelly tries to actually keep up with the dance

moves, Bruce is a loose-limbed marvel, his legs swinging

around like some kind of string-puppet.

SQUARE DANCE CALLER (CONT’D)

Allemande left with a right hand

star, box the gnat and allemande

thar!

Bruce’s a terrible dancer, but the Townfolk are being

polite because of his mission, and his enthusiasm

continues to be somewhat infectious. So infectious that

he finally pulls away from Kelly, twirls toward the

official Square Dance Caller and grabs his microphone.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 55.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

(calling dance)

Now swing your partner toward the

door, then empty your pockets and

pretend you’re poor...

The Townfolk are swirling around the dance floor, but

these are “unusual” calls to say the least. But, in an

effort to keep Bruce happy, they all swing their partners

toward the door, then pull out their pockets, sending

wallets, keys and change spilling to the floor.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(calling dance)

Allemande left then allemande

right, then spoon in together all

“Brokeback” like...

The Dancers look at one another then comply, doing the

dance move, then the women jam their butts into the male

dancer’s crotch...

Taking advantage of a musical “bridge”, Bruce breaks into

a crazy, tangled-legged dance that ends with him doing

the splits in the middle of the dance floor. Still

holding the microphone, Bruce picks himself up and

advances on an astonished Kelly.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(calling dance)

Now as this dance is coming to a

close, see if she’ll kiss you

without holding her nose...

With a swoop, Bruce grabs Kelly and pulls her into a full

fledged, bent-over backward smooch. She flails a little

at first, then the flailing stops and for a moment, she

seems to be anticipating the kiss. Then:

KELLY:

You wanna move that hand?

Reveal Bruce’s hand completely inside and up the back of

Kelly’s shirt.

BRUCE:

Oops.

Meanwhile, all around Bruce and Kelly, the dancers are

locked in similar steamy embraces, but with Bruce

distracted and not making any more square dance call,

they’re groaning as they try to hold their awkward

positions, turning blue as they remain mouth-to-mouth...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 56.

CONTINUED:
(2)

EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT

Bruce and Kelly step outside the noisy bar and start down

the street. At night the town is actually quite lovely,

a throwback to an earlier, more innocent time...

BRUCE:

Ahhh. I could use a little fresh

air.

Kelly is still a little wary of Bruce.

KELLY:

Me too.

(eyes on him, wary)

And just fresh air.

They start down the sidewalk together, the lights from

the businesses twinkling in the darkness.

KELLY (CONT’D)

(re:
town)

Even with everything that’s

happened, God I love this place.

BRUCE:

I grew up in a town just like it.

Little place in Michigan. You

ever hear of it?

KELLY:

Michigan?

BRUCE:

“Little Place.” About fifteen

miles North of Dearborn.

KELLY:

Sounds nice.

BRUCE:

People really cared about one

another out there. “Values” meant

more than half-price cereal at the

supermarket.

(remembering)

Made my first movie there, when I

was still in High School.

KELLY:

Really?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 57.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

We were kids... naive, innocent.

We wanted to make a film that

reflected our hopes and dreams...

KELLY:

What was it called?

BRUCE:

“Blade of the Skullripper.” Guess

that’s when I got the acting bug.

KELLY:

You’ve come a long way since then.

BRUCE:

(sardonic)

Guess you haven’t seen any of my

recent movies.

Kelly smiles at that.

KELLY:

Believe it or not, Jeff’s shown me

a couple. I don’t know about the

plots, but you’re usually pretty

good in them.

Bruce is taken by the compliment.

BRUCE:

You really mean that?

KELLY:

Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.

Bruce stops and turns to face Kelly. A romantic moment

in the offing.

BRUCE:

You’re just full of surprises,

Kelly Graham. You’re going to

find this hard to believe, but

I’ve always been shy. Maybe

that’s why I come on so strong...

KELLY:

Hey, I came on a little strong

myself.

BRUCE:

(moving in for kiss)

It’s never been... easy for me

to...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 58.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

KELLY:

Yes?

BRUCE:

...express my... true feelings...

As Bruce is about to kiss her, Kelly suddenly looks over

her shoulder, annoyed.

KELLY:

You want to move that hand?

PULL OUT to reveal Bruce’s hand clamped securely on

Kelly’s butt cheek. He jerks it away.

BRUCE:

Sorry.

KELLY:

I’ll let it go... this time...

Kelly’s already forgiven him. They’re closing for their

first KISS when there’s a HARUMMPH off camera. Bruce and

Kelly both look over in surprise, seeing

EVERYONE FROM THE DANCE in the street, staring at them.

MAYOR:

Mr. Campbell.

(taps watch)

It’s time.

Bruce looks at Kelly. Back at the Mayor. Desperate to

consummate the kiss.

BRUCE:

Five minutes.

MAYOR:

Mr. Campbell...

BRUCE:

For the love of God, I can smell

her Chap-Stick!

But the Mayor’s expression says “nope!” OFF this

moment...

INT. GUN STORE - NIGHT

The doors whip open and Bruce moves inside, checking out

the walls of rifles, shotguns, pistols and other weapons.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 59.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

Zoom in on Bruce’s face, hard and serious. The bald

STOREKEEPER waits expectantly.

BRUCE:

All right, small-town America.

Show me what you’ve got.

In a montage of image we see a tough man’s hands getting

ready for some monster killin’ action.

Capable hands strap on a flak-jacket with multiple

pockets for weapons.

Cinch up a sheath for a big-ass hunting knife.

Fingers quickly punch shells into a shotgun.

A hand SPINS a revolver old west style, dropping it into

a leather holster.

Hands strap on double shotgun holsters, plunging doublebarrels into each holster.

Finally the hands grab a Jason-esque HOCKEY MASK. As the

hands prepare to put on the mask...

PULL BACK to reveal the incredibly well-armed/armored man

is actually... THE MAYOR.

MAYOR:

Okay. I’m set.

Continue to PULL BACK to reveal Bruce standing nearby,

totally unarmed, watching incredulously.

BRUCE:

Wonderful. Anything left for me?

Jeff reaches behind the counter and swings up a silver

plated CHAINSAW, banging it down on the counter.

JEFF:

I had it made special, just for

you. A Briggs and Stratton twobarrel with a half-inch claw.

Bruce picks up the saw, hefting it, checking it out.

It’s been customized with a Bruce Campbell signature on

the gleaming blade.

BRUCE:

Sweet.

(tosses it aside)

And if I were going up against a

tree, possibly even appropriate.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 60.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

Bruce starts pointing at guns, grenades, bear-traps and

other devices hanging on display in the gun store, like a

guy pointing at the food pictures in a Chinese

restaurant.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Gimme one of those, two of those,

a handful of those... attaboy,

just keep ‘em coming, Cueball...

The bald STOREKEEPER loads the weaponry up in Bruce’s

arms, weighing him down with rifles, shotguns and

bazookas. Bruce staggers a moment under the weight, then

suddenly just DUMPS everything.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Who wants a piece of this?

Jeff and several other Townfolk steps forward. Casual,

Bruce starts tossing them weapons. He hurls a rifle at a

squinch-faced MAN smoking a PIPE...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Here you go, Popeye...

He tosses a ‘45 Magnum pistol at a skinny looking

SCHOOLTEACHER TYPE...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Schwarzenegger gets the “make my

day”...

On a roll, Bruce tosses three or four hand grenades to a

second MAN, nonchalantly going for style points and

tossing the last one under his leg.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Heads up! Hup hup hup!

As the Grenade Man struggles/juggles to catch them, the

Storekeeper is aghast.

STOREKEEPER:

Mr. Campbell, those are live

grenades.

Bruce gives the Storekeeper a knowing wink.

BRUCE:

Pull the other one, spit-shine!

(rising)

The rest of you, don’t be shy!

Load up!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 61.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

As the other Townfolk gather around the pick up their

weapons, including a severe looking “FARM WOMAN” who

samples several pieces, then picks up one of the bear

traps.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Sure you know how to handle that,

sister?

The Farm Woman pulls a carrot out of her pocket, puts it

between the trap’s jaws and triggers the mechanism.

Chopping the carrot off at the root.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

All right! You’re taking point!

As the Farmers continue to arm up, Jeff comes up beside

Bruce.

JEFF:

Are you ready for this?

BRUCE:

Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria.

I’m ready for anything.

The Mayor and several other male TOWNFOLK nod knowingly

at the seemingly non-sequitur comment as Bruce moves to

the doorway of the store. He frames himself heroically

in the doorway, looking back at his peeps.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Let’s rock.

EXT. SAWVILLE STREET - NIGHT

A convoy of cars and pick-ups tear through downtown

Sawville, past the bar, where

KELLY watches with worry. Some of the armed-up Townfolk

are standing in the back of the pick-ups, waving and

firing their guns in rowdy celebration of the battle to

come. Suddenly,

BRUCE’S TRUCK skids to a stop outside the bar, dust

billowing up around it (even though it’s a paved

street... what up with that?) Bruce emerges from the

wafting dust, practically in Kelly’s arms.

BRUCE:

Hey baby. How about a kiss for

good luck.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 62.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

Apparently moved by the gesture, Kelly looks Bruce in the

eye. For an instant it looks like they’re going to

finally kiss, then:

KELLY:

You wanna move that hand?

PAN DOWN to reveal Bruce’s hand clamped on Kelly’s boob.

BRUCE:

Just checking.

The “romantic” moment shattered, Bruce backs toward his

truck, jaunty as ever.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Put yourself on simmer,

sweetheart. ‘Cause when I come

back, I plan to stake a claim to

the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever

seen.

(to the others)

Now let’s do this thing!

As the pick-ups and cars tear out, HOLD ON Kelly, who

looks worried and concerned.

KELLY:

My eyes are brown...

As the cars careen into the darkness...

EXT. STAGING AREA - NIGHT

A field outside some woods somewhere on the outskirts of

town. The full moon offers some illumination along with

the fiery TORCHES being carried by several Townfolk.

They’re also all equipped with small personal WALKIE

TALKIES. As the move through the area, the MAYOR spots

something on the ground.

NOTE that the Mayor is still wearing his Friday The 13th

hockey mask and all the weaponry/accoutrements that he

gathered at the gun store.

MAYOR:

Hold it. What do you make of

this?

Bruce kneels, authoritative, picks up a handful of

gravel, sifting it through his fingers.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 63.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

(thoughtful)

Looks like gravel.

MAYOR:

I mean these tracks.

A set of well defined, devil-hoof footprints are visible

IN the gravel.

BRUCE:

I’d say we’ve found us a Guan-Di.

Bruce rises as the townspeople gather ‘round.

MAYOR:

No surprise. The killings have

all been in this general area.

(rising, somber)

We’re on it’s hunting ground now.

BRUCE:

(with gravitas)

It’s not hunting us, Mayor. We’re

hunting him.

The Townfolk exchange dubious looks.

MAYOR:

No, I think it’s still hunting us.

Bruce can sense the “nervousness” of his team.

BRUCE:

Okay, it’s liable to get ugly out

there. So when things look bad,

when it looks like you’re not

going to make it, remember two

things. One, even if you don’t

have medical insurance, emergency

rooms are mandated by Federal law

to treat severely injured

patients.

That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

GUY WITH TORCH:

What’s number two?

BRUCE:

(pauses for effect)

None of that matters, ‘cause Bruce

Campbell’s got your back.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 64.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

With that rousing thought galvanizing them, the Townfolk

ROAR their approval and the whole posse takes off into

the woods. Bruce and the Woman lugging the bear-trap

take the lead...

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

The Townfolk and Bruce have fanned out in the dark woods.

Flickering torches and flashlights through the trees.

Random walkie-talkie messages SQUAWK through the silence.

WALKIE VOICE:

This is Henderson. I’m crossing

Haselton Road... no sign of the

demon, over.

Jeff hangs close to Bruce as they stalk through the

underbrush, their guns out and ready.

BRUCE:

It’s quiet. Almost too...

WALKIE VOICE:

(super-loud)

Wait!

Bruce JUMPS at the super-loud warning.

BRUCE:

Jesus!

WALKIE VOICE:

I think I heard something...

Suddenly, the weird, ominous sound of the Guan-Di echoes

through the area. Sort of like a cross between some

Chinese chant and the screech of an owl. Bruce is

impressed, glances toward Jeff.

BRUCE:

When this is over, you gotta

introduce me to the guy who does

your foley!

THROUGH THE WOODS

A dark figure, the Guan-Di, floats through the darkness.

Moonlight glints off the demon’s sword and ritual

costume, but it’s barely visible.

WALKIE VOICE:

Wait... wait... Oh God, I think I

see it, over!!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 65.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

Bruce grabs his walkie-talkie.

BRUCE:

Good! Now see if you can flank

him and ease him around to my

position, over.

WALKIE VOICE:

He’s got a sword, over!!

BRUCE:

Right. Just move him on over

and...

WALKIE VOICE:

It’s a big sucker!

Bruce is getting annoyed with all the pointless “delays.”

BRUCE:

Point taken! Now please lead El

Demonostro my way so I can...

(makes “air quotes”

for a baffled Jeff)

...“open fire” and we can all get

back to town...

WALKIE VOICE:

Sh*t, he saw me! He’s turning

this way...

BRUCE:

Oh great.

WALKIE VOICE:

God oh sh*t oh AHHHHHHHH --

The Walkie Voice suddenly does DEAD. Bruce stares at the

Walkie in his hand.

BRUCE:

Hello?

He hits the “talk” button, getting loud SQUAWKS.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Testing, testing. Dammit, are you

bringing me this “demon” or not?

Nothing but static on the walkie-talkie. Really annoyed

now, Bruce stands up, waving his arms impatiently.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 66.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Okay, everybody. Cut, cut!

(annoyed)

I’m trying to stay in character,

but radio-schmucko seems to lost a

couple pages of the script...

Suddenly something CAREENS out of the darkness, landing

at Bruce’s feet with a THUD. It’s the bear-trap Woman’s

SEVERED HEAD, steam-breath still puffing from her lips.

Bruce looks down at the head, still not quite

understanding what’s really going on. Thinks it’s a makeup effect.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Breath’s a nice touch.

Dead ahead, several more TOWNFOLK suddenly rush out of

the woods, straight toward Bruce, SCREAMING in terror.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

What the -- ? Where are you

going?

As one of the slower Townfolk tries to get away, the

fiercesome figure of the Guan-Di suddenly looms over him,

his sword LASHING OUT and splitting the man’s head in

two!

SPLIT MAN:

GAHHGHH!

Jeff grabs at Bruce’s sleeve, tugging at him.

JEFF:

Bruce! Do something!

As Bruce gapes in disbelief, the Guan-Di emerges from the

shadows, rising to it’s full eight foot height. Sword

dripping blood, it’s eyes blazing red. Suddenly (and

improbably) there’s a flash of lightning, and Bruce gets

his first full-on look at the terrifying demon.

BRUCE:

What the f*** is that?

RUNNING TOWNIE:

It’s the Guan-Di!

ZOOM IN on Bruce’s astonished face as the full, awful

reality hits him like a sledgehammer.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 67.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

You mean the son of a b*tch is

REAL?

RUNNING TOWNIE:

Shoot it! Shoot it!

Bruce’s action hero derring-do suddenly vanishes.

Terrified, panicking, Bruce struggles to whip up his

shotgun. Shaking like Don Knotts, he blindly

FIRES! BLAM! Hitting one of the fleeing Townspeople in

the shoulder!

FLEEING TOWNIE:

AGHHH! My arm!

Freaking out, Bruce shoots wildly again. BLAM!

ANOTHER FLEEING TOWNIE

OWWWW, my leg!

BRUCE:

Gangway!!

Terrified, Bruce starts to run away from the approaching

demon, firing blindly over his shoulder. BOOM!

YET ANOTHER FLEEING TOWNIE

AHHH, my ear!!

TERRIFIED TOWNIE

Stop shooting, stop shooting!

As Bruce bolts, Jeff can’t believe his eyes.

JEFF:

Bruce! Where are you going?

Bruce tosses his shotgun into the brush and starts to run

full tilt.

BRUCE:

The hell away from here!

The Guan-Di continues advance, raising his blood-soaked

sword, a genuinely scary vision in the moonlit woods as

BRUCE picks up speed, hurdling brush and fallen logs like

an Olympian, eventually passing some of the scared

Townies who had a head start on him. This includes the

Mayor, still in his hockey mask.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 68.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

MAYOR:

Campbell, you coward! You were

supposed to protect us!

BRUCE:

Branch.

The Mayor doesn’t understand the comment until he SLAMS

face first into a low hanging branch. As the Mayor flips

over onto his ass, Bruce doesn’t even slow down, running

back into the

EXT. STAGING AREA - NIGHT

Breathing hard, the SCREAMS of the Townspeople echoing

behind him, Bruce frantically runs to the parked cars and

pick-ups, trying to find one with the keys in the

ignition.

BRUCE:

No keys?!

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Desperate, Bruce throws open the door to a car and leans

under the dashboard, ripping out the ignition wires. He

breaks apart two of the wires and tries to spark the

engine to start, but instead he electrocutes himself!

BRUCE:

All right, coil wire to the

ignit...

(as he gets a spark)

GAHHYGG!!

The force of the electric shock SLAMS Bruce’s head into

the underside of the dash.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

OWWWW!

Dazed, he falls forward on the exposed wires and gets

ZAPPED AGAIN.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

JEEZZ!!

Struggling to get away from the sparking wires, Bruce

suddenly hears a gentle DING-A-LING of a bicycle bell.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 69.

CONTINUED:
(4)

EXT. STAGING AREA - NIGHT

Bruce pulls out of the car as LITTLE KID on a tiny “StingRay” type bike (!) rides through the scene. Canvas

newspaper delivery bags on the back of his bike.

LITTLE KID:

Paper, Mister?

Bruce thinks a moment, then has an idea.

BRUCE:

Yeah!

As the Little Kid stops, reaching for a newspaper, Bruce

runs for him, glancing around guiltily.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hey, kid! Your parents around?

KID:

Uhh --

BRUCE:

Good!

Desperate, Bruce

THROWS THE KID OFF THE BIKE

then jumps on the banana seat, churning his legs as fast

as he can. Teetering, barely keeping his balance, Bruce

races away from the staging area.

EXT. SAWVILLE ROAD - NIGHT

Bruce races the small bike out onto the main road, legs

still churning wildly, when he’s BLINDED by on-rushing

headlights. Bruce throws an arm up to protect his eyes

and

LOSE CONTROL OF THE BIKE, sailing off the road and

crashing into a tree. As he picks himself up from the

brush, the car that almost hit him backs up to check on

him. An OLD LADY driver rolls down her window.

OLD LADY:

Young man, are you all right?

Bruce runs for the car like a drowning man clawing for a

life preserver.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 70.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

You gotta get me out of here!

The Old Lady points to the cat carrier resting on the

car’s passenger seat. The old tabby inside MEOWS

affectionately.

OLD LADY:

I’m sorry, but there’s no room...

Frantic, Bruce suddenly grabs the Old Lady’s arm and

THROWS HER out of the truck!

BRUCE:

There is now!

As the Old Lady hits the pavement, Bruce jumps into the

trunk and PUNCHES IT. As gravel spews from the tires,

the Old Lady raises a feeble hand.

OLD LADY:

Wait! My kitty-kitty!

As if in response, the cat carrier suddenly FLIES out the

passenger window, accompanied by a loud MEOWWWWW!

INT. OLD LADY’S CAR - NIGHT

Desperate, sweaty, crazed, Bruce hunkers over the

steering wheel and careens down the dark road, driving

like a bat outta hell. The light from the dashboard

gives his face an eerie, “up-shadow” cast.

BRUCE:

Demons... monsters... what the

hell were they thinking? Thing’s

on my ass now... supernatural

bastard... I gotta make tracks but

fast...

EXT. OLD LADY’S CAR - NIGHT

From Bruce’s POV as he hauls ass, headlights stabbing the

darkness, suddenly flashing across a WOMAN pushing a BABY

CARRIAGE! And Bruce is heading straight for her!

BRUCE:

Oh hell!

Bruce CRANKS the wheel to avoid the woman...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 71.

CONTINUED:

EXT. SAWVILLE - NIGHT

The swerving, careening headlights of Bruce’s stolen car

suddenly appear in the distance. In the foreground, a

couple of disinterested Townsies, munching on snow-cones,

take vague notice.

DISINTERESTED TOWNIE

Wonder who that is?

In the distance, the headlights suddenly swerve

OFF THE ROAD. There’s a distant SCREEECH of tires, the

CRUNCH of metal, then a muffled “plumphh” as FLAMES erupt

in the distance. Then

A SINGLE FIGURE begins to run/limp down the street. As

he gets closer, we see it’s Bruce, silhouetted by the

flames, yelping every time he lands on his injured leg.

BRUCE:

(limping)

Son of a OWW gotta get OHH outta

here SH*T...

Bruce runs up to the two Disinterested Townies and grabs

them by their jackets. Bruce is crazy/angry with fear.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

I need a car! Pronto!

DISINTERESTED TOWNIE

Aren’t you that demon-fighting

fella?

That pulls Bruce up short. As he looks around, more

Sawville shopkeepers and residents emerge onto the

sidewalk. Bruce begins to realize he’s making a “scene.”

BRUCE:

Yeah, yeah, that’s me.

(thinks, then)

I, uhh, I blew the thing to

Kingdom Come! Yeah, that’s it...

I just came back for, uhh,

shovels. To scrape him up. And

trash bags! It’s helluva mess out

there...

As Bruce “improvises”, a pick-up truck rolls down the

street. Seeing that the open bed is empty, Bruce throws

a “goodbye” salute toward the baffled Townies and

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 72.

(CONTINUED)

LEAPS INTO THE BACK. Grinning at his good luck...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

So long, suckers!

...as the truck pulls over and parks, the driver getting

out and going to one of the shops.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Son of a --

Beside himself, Bruce leaps out of the truck as the

sounds of CAR HORNS rise in the distance. It’s the

CARAVAN of surviving monster fighters, coming back into

town. Hearing all the racket,

KELLY comes out of her bar, worried. When she sees

Bruce, they lock eyes for a moment.

KELLY:

Bruce. Where’s Jeff?

BRUCE:

Jeff?

KELLY:

You just left him out there?

BRUCE:

No! I mean, kind of!

(off her disdain)

Come on, lady, nobody told me this

monster was real!

Down the street, a GRAYHOUND BUS comes around a corner,

getting ready to pull out of town.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(desperate, to Kelly)

Shoe’s untied!

Kelly looks down. Bruce takes the opportunity to SPRINT

FOR THE BUS just as

JEFF steps out of one of the approaching cars, devastated

by Bruce’s betrayal.

JEFF:

Mom! Where’s Bruce?

More townfolk emerge from their cars, some still bleeding

and seriously pissed off after Bruce’s shoot ‘em up.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 73.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SHOT IN ARM GUY:

Thespian bastard shot me in the

arm!

Bruce, running for the bus, turns and runs backwards as

he tries to respond to the charges.

BRUCE:

Sorry!

SHOT IN LEG GUY:

He got me in the leg!

As the crowd becomes a mob and begins to surge toward

Bruce, he BOLTS for the Grayhound.

BRUCE:

(to bus)

Wait! Wait! For the luvva God,

stop!

He reaches the bus and slaps at the side until it grinds

to a stop. Gasping, Bruce runs for the door and jumps

inside, the bus pulling out just as the mob reaches it.

TOWNSFOLK:

Get out of town! Go back to

Hollywood! You shot my Uncle!

Gasping, Bruce moves to the back of the bus and looks out

the rear window as the mob recedes, throwing ROCKS,

FAUCETS, a round POKER TABLE and other handy items

against the glass. But Bruce’s focus is on

KELLY AND JEFF, standing together. As they recede in the

distance, their mutual looks of betrayal are like daggers

in Bruce’s heart. As Bruce settles into his seat,

utterly devastated, a elbow-jointed piece of plumbing

pipe BANGING behind him...

EXT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAYBREAK

The bus stops at the driveway by Bruce’s trailer and he

gets off, shoulders slumping, a shell of a man. As Bruce

nears the stoop of his trailer, he spots a padded manila

envelope on the porch. Dissolute, Bruce grabs it and

heads inside.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 74.

CONTINUED:
(2)

INT. BRUCE’S HOUSE - DAY

Bruce walks into his trailer and spots SamNRob on his

blanket. After his awful day, Bruce is aching for a

little affection.

BRUCE:

Cute little Sam’nRob. At least I

still have you.

(kneeling)

C’mere, boy.

The dog just stares at Bruce.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Come on, little guy. Here boy.

Here boy. Come on, fella. Come

to Daddy. That’s it. Come on.

Here boy, here boy, here boy...

(suddenly mad)

Son of a b*tch!!

Bruce HURLS the manila envelope at the dog, getting a

loud BARK and SCREECH.

Giving up on the mutt, Bruce wanders to a cupboard,

pulling out a box of generic “Fruit Loops” cereal. He

fills a bowl with cereal, then grabs a quart of milk from

the fridge and sloshes it on.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

I’ll feel better after

breakfast... it’s most important

meal of the day...

He’s about to dig in when he notices the “message” light

blinking on his answering machine. Heartbroken, he

punches the “play” button.

ANSWERING MACHINE

(jaunty voice)

This is Bruce Campbell, actor

extraordinaire. If you’re young,

female and not currently

incarcerated, page me at star-998,

otherwise leave a message after

the tone...

BEEP.

DEBORAH:

(on machine)

Bruce, it’s Deborah.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 75.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Deb...?

(grabbing machine)

Deborah?

DEBORAH:

(on machine)

There’s something I’ve been

meaning to tell you, something

that’s been weighing on me ever

since our divorce.

Bruce clutches the answering machine to his heart,

praying for good news.

BRUCE:

Of course I forgive you!

DEBORAH:

(on machine)

...it’s the alimony payment. It’s

just not cutting it.

BRUCE:

Huh?!

DEBORAH:

(on machine)

My lawyer’s filed a motion to have

it increased, along with a

restraining order, so don’t even

try returning this call...

Fuming, Bruce RIPS the answering machine cord out of the

wall, then smashes the box on the floor.

BRUCE:

Heartless hell-spawn!

Emotionally crushed, Bruce spots the manila envelope near

Sam’Rob’s dog blanket. He rips it open and pulls out

TWO SCRIPTS. “Cavealien 3 and 4.” As Bruce’s jaw falls

open, he notices a little buck slip paper-clipped to the

first script, “From The Desk Of Mills Toddner.” Hand

written under that,

“Pack your bags, baby, they’re back-to-back in Romania!

Love ya, Mills.”

BRUCE (CONT’D)

No... NO...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 76.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

His life falling to pieces before his eyes, Bruce

stumbles back, tripping over a throw rug. As he flails,

he accidentally smacks the bowl of Fruit Loops,

SENDING THEM FLYING. As Bruce lands on his ass, the

Fruit Loops and milk explode over him, the cereal

sticking to him like bizarre sequins. As Bruce lies

there, dazed, milk and cereal dripping off him,

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hold on... just a minute...

Still dripping Fruit Loops, Bruce staggers to the door.

He throws it open, revealing...

A HARD-EDGED STRIPPER (KASEY) IN A FLAG BIKINI, waving

two lit sparklers. Bottle of whiskey under one arm.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

I’m busy!

KASEY:

And I’m Kasey, the famous singing

prostitute!

(singing)

I’m here to offer birthday

greetings and wish you lots of

luck, and if you’re really really

nice I’ll even toss in a f--

BRUCE:

(cuts her off)

Who sent you?!

Kasey fumbles in her tiny purse, finding a note...

KASEY:

“From your friend and agent, Mills

Toddner. Here’s some birthday

sugar, baby.”

Bruce stares at Kasey in slack-jawed disbelief. Fruit

Loops dangling from his hair and face.

BRUCE:

This was my surprise? A woman?

KASEY:

Actually I’m only half-way through

my trans-gender surgeries, so

technically...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 77.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

Kasey reaches for her bikini bottoms, like she’s going to

pull them down and show Bruce something “surprising.”

Bruce waves his hands frantically.

BRUCE:

For the love of God, stop!!

As Kasey relents, Bruce’s phone RINGS. Struggling to

maintain his emotional equilibrium, he staggers back to

answer it as Kasey enters, looking around curiously.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Campbell residence.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. JEFF’S TRAILER - DAY

Jeff’s on the phone, talking to Bruce from his trailer.

JEFF:

Bruce. It’s Jeff.

BRUCE:

(eyes narrowing)

You little BASTARD. You’re the

one who dragged me into this

nightmare! Now I suppose you’re

going to chew my ass for taking a

powder.

JEFF:

No. I... I just wanted to thank

you.

Bruce looks at the phone like Jeff’s speaking Swahili.

BRUCE:

Thank me?!

JEFF:

For teaching me the meaning of

“courage.”

BRUCE:

I ran like a cheap mascara!

JEFF:

That’s just it. I was trying to

dodge my responsibilities by

dumping them on you. You showed

me that I have to face this thing

on my own.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 78.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

Bruce can’t believe he’s being let off the hook. Improvs

to suggest that was his plan all along.

BRUCE:

Well... thought I’d help you shape

up... I’m glad you’ve seen the

error of your ways... yeah...

JEFF:

Truth is, I’m the one who

unleashed the Guan-Di. So it’s up

to me to kill it.

The reality of Jeff’s plan hits Bruce’s addled brain.

BRUCE:

You’re gonna take on Toshiro

McShithead?

JEFF:

All I needed was a push. Thank

you, Mr. Campbell...

As the line goes dead...

BRUCE:

Kid! KID!!

(slams down phone)

Son of a --

KASEY:

Boyfriend troubles?

BRUCE:

(reeling)

No!

Distraught, Bruce paces his living room. He grabs the

bottle that Kacey brought and spins off the cap, about to

drink himself to oblivion when he hesitates...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Stupid kid... he’s gonna get

himself killed!

(about to drink)

What do I care? I’ve got my own

problems!

As Bruce stares at the bottle, suddenly two tiny Bruce

figures appear on his shoulders. One is the “Angel”

Bruce, complete with simpering voice. The other is the

“Devil” Bruce, with a growling nasty voice.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 79.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Who are you?

ANGEL BRUCE:

I’m your good nature, Bruce.

(simpering voice)

If Jeff goes up against the GuanDi alone, he’ll be cut to ribbons.

You’ve got to help the lad!

DEVIL BRUCE:

(gruff voice)

Don’t listen to him! Kid’s an

a**hole! F*** him! Nobody lives

forever!

ANGEL BRUCE:

(simpering voice)

How can you even think such a

thing? This young man is our

biggest fan!

As this conversation continues, two more, even TINIER

Bruce figures magically appear -- this time on the ANGEL

BRUCE’S tiny shoulders!

ANGEL BRUCE’S ANGEL

(simpering voice)

You’re absolutely right, Angel

Bruce. Remind him that our fans

support us no matter what.

ANGEL BRUCE’S DEVIL

(gruff voice)

What the hell are you talking

about? If Campbell takes the dirt

nap, we’re all toast!

Surprisingly, that last piece of logic hits home with

Angel Bruce.

ANGEL BRUCE:

(simpering voice)

Well, he does have a point. And

young Jeff did release the

fiend...

(to big Bruce)

Maybe we should let him die...

Bruce suddenly SCREAMS, waving his arms, dissipating the

multiple bickering devil/angel figures.

BRUCE:

AHHHH!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 80.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

Bruce looks at the whisky bottle, sorely tempted, then

suddenly HURLS it across the room. Resolve building in

his face.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(to Kasey)

You. Uncle Sam-Antha. How’d you

like to make a quick fifty bucks?

Kasey rises with a matter of fact sigh, reaching for her

bikini bottoms.

KASEY:

Story of my life...

BRUCE:

No! I need a ride!

KASEY:

That’s why I’m here...

BRUCE:

IN YOUR CAR!

KASEY:

Oh. Where are we going?

BRUCE:

Little town called Sawville.

(gritting his teeth)

Looks like I’ve got to kill me a

Guan-Di.

As Kasey blankly mulls this non-sequitur...

EXT. SAWVILLE STREET - DAY

Kasey’s VW Bug putt-putts into town, pulling over on mainstreet. Regardless of the weather, Kasey’s still in her

sexy patriotic bikini. As they both get out...

BRUCE:

Sit. Try not to blow anybody

until I get back.

Bruce starts down the sidewalk, the same walk he took the

day before. But this time the reaction is much

different. He’s met with sneers and snarls. Gingerly,

he approaches the

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 81.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

GROCERY STORE, display of apples out front. Bruce starts

to reach for an apple, like yesterday, only to have the

Shopkeeper slam a BUTCHER KNIFE down inches from his

fingers.

SHOPKEEPER:

Apples aren’t for sale!

Bruce backs off, counting his fingers, and continues down

the sidewalk, pausing in front of the

APPLIANCE STORE. A display of ghetto-blaster radios out

front. Bruce offers a meek little wave to the Appliance

Store Owner, who angrily punches the play button on one

of the radios.

APPLIANCE STORE OWNER

Wrote this last night, b*tch.

A chugging RAP SONG starts to play...

RADIO RAP SONG:

(sing-song rap)

BRUCE CAMPBELL, man used to be it,

now BRUCE CAMPBELL, man’s fulla

sh*t. Actor-man said he’d save

our town from fear, but all we saw

was his yellow rear, BRUCE

CAMPBELL, dat’s right, BRUCE

CAMPBELL, runs from a fight, BRUCE

CAMPBELL, got balls like a mouse,

BRUCE CAMPBELL, he’s worthless

louse... (etc)

Bruce moves off from the blaring rap-song, passing

AN ELDERLY MAN, the one who gave him the sign of the

cross earlier.

BRUCE:

I just wanted to thank you for

your blessing, kind sir...

The Elderly Man suddenly HAWKS an enormous loogie into

Bruce’s face, leaving strands of saliva dangling from

Bruce’s chin. As Bruce tries to mop this off, he comes

across the same group of

SCHOOL CHILDREN he had bumped into the day before.

Seeing Bruce, they rush up excitedly, but instead of

“hail the conquering hero,” they start kicking and

punching him.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 82.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

KIDS:

You piece of sh*t! Coward! Wimp!

BRUCE:

Come on, kids, I did my best --

The First Kid KICKS HIM.

FIRST KID:

You shot my Dad!

SECOND KID:

I drew this picture of you!

The kid shows Bruce the drawing: Bruce running away from

a monster, a yellow streak up his back, lumps of poop

coming out of his pants. As the kids jeer, a

THIRD KID, the one who had drawn Bruce getting his head

cut off last time, tentatively shows Bruce his new

drawing.

THIRD KID:

I still believe in you, Mr.

Campbell.

The drawing shows Bruce standing on the neck of the dead

monster, triumphant. Bruce is touched...

BRUCE:

Gosh, thanks...

But before Bruce can get too mushy, the other kids turn

on Third Kid and start pounding him, ripping his drawing

to pieces.

THIRD KID:

OWW! STOP!! Wahhhhhh...

Bruce uses the distraction to ease away, finally reaching

Kelly’s bar. A CLOSED sign in the window. Frustrated,

Bruce is trying to figure his next move when he notices a

billow of smoke rising from behind the building. He goes

around to the side, where

KELLY is standing over a burn barrel, grabbing papers and

posters from the back of her pick-up bed and jamming them

into the flames. NOTE: There’s a stocked gun rack

inside the pick-up.

BRUCE:

Kelly!

Kelly turns, eyes narrowing when she sees Bruce.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 83.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

KELLY:

Go back to Hollywood, big shot.

Find yourself some hot and cold

running starlets. You and I are

so over...

BRUCE:

Kelly, please. I’m not a shallow

sex machine like most Hollywood

types...

As Bruce struggles to reason with Kelly, KACEY, still in

her bikini, marches up on them.

KACEY:

Hey, Mister, you owe me $50!

Kelly is stunned. Bruce is mortified.

BRUCE:

Just a second...

KACEY:

And we still need to have sex!

As Bruce stammers, Kacey pats the ground, like that’s

where they should do it.

KACEY (CONT’D)

Right here would work.

(to Kelly)

Hey, B-cup, got a blanket we could

borrow?

KELLY:

Who is this?

BRUCE:

She’s a...

KACEY:

(catches him)

Technically I’m still a “he”...

Bruce’s shoulders sag as he realizes the truth is only

going to get him in more trouble, but...

BRUCE:

“He” is a...

(mumbling real fast)

...famoussingingprostitute...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 84.

CONTINUED:
(3)

(CONTINUED)

KACEY:

Toss in another twenty-five bucks

and I’ll do her too.

KELLY:

(to Bruce, disgusted)

My God. You really are a total

waste of skin.

Torn between Kacey’s demands and Kelly’s disgust, Bruce

turns to Kelly.

BRUCE:

Just... wait!

Frustrated, Bruce runs back to Kacey and peels out $50.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

For Christ’s sake, just take it

and go!

He starts back toward Kelly, then stops, lowering his

voice to Kacey.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(pig latin)

I’ll take a raincheck on the exsay a little ater-lay.

As Kacey takes the money and leaves, Bruce runs back to

Kelly as she shoves even more papers into the bin. He’s

about to say something when he notices the “papers” all

consist of Bruce Campbell memorabilia.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Kelly, listen to me, we don’t have

time to...

(shocked)

Hey! Those are my posters!

KELLY:

Jeff asked me to purge his

trailer. It was my pleasure.

She stuffs a MINDWARP poster into the flames.

BRUCE:

Sweet Jesus! That’s the limited

edition “B” style!

KELLY:

Plenty more where that came from.

(annoyed)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 85.

CONTINUED:
(4)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Are you still here? Don’t you

have a bad movie to make?

Kelly pulls an Ash “Army Of Darkness” action figure from

the bed of the pick-up and tosses it into the flames as

Bruce winces.

BRUCE:

A couple, actually. But the truth

is... I haven’t been able to stop

thinking about you.

KELLY:

Oh please.

She shakes her head derisively as Bruce takes a step

closer, just inches away from her.

BRUCE:

I know it sounds crazy. I mean, we

barely know each other. But I

think... I think I’m in...

KELLY:

You wanna move that hand?

PULL OUT and REVEAL Bruce’s hand jammed down the back of

Kelly’s pants. Bruce pulls out his hand, chagrined.

BRUCE:

Okay. So maybe it’s over between

us. At least let me help you

rescue Jeff.

Kelly stops in the midst of jamming another poster into

the flames, startled.

KELLY:

Jeff needs to be rescued?

BRUCE:

He called me this morning. He’s

going after the Guan-Di!

KELLY:

WHAT?

BRUCE:

I thought you knew!

Kelly looks toward the sky, the sun close to setting.

KELLY:

Oh my God! It’ll be dark soon.

(intense)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 86.

CONTINUED:
(5)

KELLY (CONT'D)

(MORE) (CONTINUED)

We need to get the town together,

now!

As Kelly grabs a cell-phone from her pocket, frantically

punching a number, Bruce tries to pluck the smoldering

Bruce doll from the flames...

INT. KELLY’S BAR - NIGHT

A group of grumbling townfolk, several sporting new

splints, bandages on their faces, crutches and other

medical evidence of Bruce shooting spree have gathered in

Kelly’s bar. A rumble of discontent magnifies into open

rebellion when

BRUCE appears. As if on cue, the entire mob surges

forward and grabs Bruce, pinning him against the wall,

punching him.

BRUCE:

OWWW! Wait! OWW! A boy’s life

OWW hangs in UMPH the balance!

KELLY:

Stop it! Now!

The angry ROAR subsides. The crowd, still holding Bruce,

turns toward Kelly.

KELLY (CONT’D)

Let him talk.

Bruce stares into their faces, all seething with sheer

rage, then...

BRUCE:

Look, rural folk, I know I let you

down... and I’m sorry. But the

callow movie star who came into

your lives yesterday is not the

man standing before you today.

The Townfolk release Bruce and take a step back,

tentatively giving Bruce a moment to redeem himself.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

That’s right. It took the faith

of a kid like Jeff, and the

decency of a good woman like Kelly

to help me see the light. In the

last twenty four hours, I’ve

learned a little something about

honor. Respect.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 87.

CONTINUED:
(6)

KELLY (CONT'D)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

(he looks at Kelly)

Maybe even love.

This time even Kelly is touched by Bruce’s sentiment.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Man’s not much if he can’t own up

to his mistakes. So I’m here to

apologize, but more importantly,

to makes this right.

(heartfelt)

I’m not just asking you for a

second chance. I’m begging you

for one.

There’s a long moment of silence. Bruce stands there a

moment, then REVERSE THE ANGLE, revealing that the room

is COMPLETELY EMPTY. Everyone just left, except Kelly.

KELLY:

You moved ‘em, all right.

EXT. CHINESE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

The gates loom in the darkness as headlights wash across

the gate. After a moment, Jeff steps from his car,

grabbing a rifle and a flashlight. As he closes the car

door, a breeze kicks up a flutter of leaves that wash

across the old tombstones.

JEFF:

Okay. This was a bad idea.

As Jeff stares at the moldering graves...

EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

Rocks begin to rattle, signaling the re-emergence of the

demonic Guan-Di. As the rock-fall clatters...

EXT. CHINESE CEMETARY - NIGHT

Jeff hears the rocks moving and gets the creeps.

JEFF:

Scratch “maybe.”

As Jeff nervously holds his position, rifle in hand,

waiting for the Guan-Di to emerge...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 88.

CONTINUED:

BRUCE (CONT’D)

INT. KELLY’S PICK-UP/EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Kelly hunched over the wheel, steaming mad. Bruce is

sitting beside her, reeling from her verbal assault. As

they tear down the road, the last vestiges of sunlight

disappearing behind the trees...

KELLY:

Big ass movie-star. Haven’t you

ever heard of a TELEPHONE?! No,

YOU had to waste eight hours

DRIVING all the way back.

BRUCE:

Thought chick’s got off on the

whole mano a mano thing.

KELLY:

Mano a moron, you mean...

Bruce glances through the back cab window, looking at the

Bruce Campbell memorabilia scattered in the truck bed.

Posters, cardboard standees and even scripts.

BRUCE:

Wait a minute.

Light-bulb going off, Bruce reaches through the window

into the back truck bed...

KELLY:

Don’t mess around. My demolition

supplies are back there.

Bruce looks again, noticing a wooden crate that says

DYNAMITE.

BRUCE:

You keep a crate of dynamite in

your truck?

KELLY:

You don’t?

Bruce doesn’t have an answer to that. He fumbles a

little more, pulling back with a handful of OLD SCRIPTS.

KELLY (CONT’D)

What are you doing with those?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 89.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Listen, sister, maybe your idea of

a “plan” is to tap this Guan-Di on

the shoulder and “pretty-please”

him to death, but seems to me

we’re gonna need more than that.

KELLY:

And you think you’re can find it

in one of your old scripts?

BRUCE:

Brilliant Hollywood writers spent

weeks on these stories!

KELLY:

Gimme a break...

BRUCE:

Rising action, character arcs, set

ups and pay offs...

KELLY:

I’ve seen better plots in a

Bazooka Joe comic!

Bruce sneers at the insult, flipping open a script. He

reads a second, then...

BRUCE:

This could work -- where’s the

closest oceanic oil drilling

platform?

KELLY:

Ireland.

Miffed, Bruce tosses that script out the window, opens

another.

BRUCE:

You got any abandoned steel mills

with giant vats of molten metal?

Kelly shakes her head “no.” Bruce tosses that one, tries

again.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Extensive cave systems with

cannibal bats underneath an active

volcano?

Kelly shakes her head no again. Out goes another script.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 90.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

An island full of mutated giant

gorillas? No, wait, I died in

that one...

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Kelly suddenly veers off the main road, taking the same

dirt road we saw Jeff and Clayton take earlier. As Bruce

SLAMS against the side of the truck from the turn...

BRUCE:

UMPH!

(rubbing his head)

Do you even know where you’re

going?

KELLY:

Jeff’s friends were killed outside

an old Chinese cemetary. I’m

guessing that’s...

BRUCE:

(cuts her off)

Lady, guesswork is the last thing

we need right now.

She points out the window at a sign nailed to a tree.

“Jeff’s this way!”

KELLY:

The signs help.

They careen down the dirt road, coming up on the...

EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT

Bruce and Kelly pull up to the old cemetary, a waft of

dust rolling over them as they park next to Jeff’s car.

Kelly jumps out and looks in Jeff’s vehicle, scared when

she realizes he’s gone.

KELLY:

Oh my God. He’s gone.

(yelling)

Jeff! JEFF!

No answer. As Kelly gets more concerned.

BRUCE:

Boy’s got any sense, he’s probably

hightailing it back to town.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 91.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

KELLY:

If he had any sense, he wouldn’t

have called you.

(yelling)

JEFF! JEFF!!

As Kelly continues calling, Bruce reaches into Kelly’s

truck and grabs a rifle off the gun rack.

BRUCE:

We’d better split up. You go

around to the right, I’ll go...

(bumps into someone)

AHHHH!!

Bruce YELPS as he turns around, realizing he bumped into

JEFF, who was standing right behind him.

KELLY:

Jeff!

As Kelly runs toward her son, Bruce notices that Jeff’s

frozen in fear, his eyes wide and staring.

JEFF:

(eyes fixed)

Hi, Bruce.

With trepidation, Bruce follows Jeff’s stare across the

graveyard, to...

THE FEARSOME GUAN-DI, looming in the shadows, sword

gleaming in the moonlit darkness. As Kelly reaches Jeff,

pulling him close in a hug, she also sees the demonic

creature.

Oh no...

Rifle in hand, Bruce steps in front of Kelly and Jeff.

BRUCE:

Stay behind me.

(c*cks rifle)

Things heat up, Mr. Winchester’s

gonna get mighty nervous.

Suddenly, the stand-off is broken when another figure

enters, just in front of the Guan-Di. It’s old WING, the

bowling Chinese wise man!

WING:

Mr. Campbell. So you have

returned.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 92.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

That’s right, Wing.

WING:

You think you can destroy Guan-Di?

Destroy the protector of the dead?

You’re a fool!

BRUCE:

Pot meet kettle, pajama-man.

WING:

Don’t you see? The demon is under

my command... exacting my revenge

against those who have scorned

me... he’s nothing more than an

empty-headed vessel doing my

bidding...

The Guan-Di looks down at Wing with a cranky “huh?

What’d you say?” look.

BRUCE:

Uhh --

KELLY:

Mr. Wing! He’s right behind you!

Wing LAUGHS at Kelly’s concern, pulling a small packet of

food from his Chinese robe.

WING:

I have nothing to fear from GuanDi, for I have come with the

sacred bean curd.

Bruce glances toward that mottled sign at the mouth of

the graveyard. PRO ECTE FO THOSE WH DIE . BEWA E HOSE

WITHOUT EAN URD.

BRUCE:

Kelly, that sign!

(beat)

“Protected for those who died...

beware those without bean curd!”

Of course!

Wing laughs at Bruce, Kelly and Jeff, taking an enormous

bite of the (rank) bean curd.

WING:

(curd spilling from

his mouth)

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 93.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

You see! HA HA HA HA!! Mmmm,

good!

While Wing is chuckling, the Guan-Di is getting seriously

pissed. He rises to his full height behind Wing, eyes

blazing red with rage.

BRUCE:

Wait a sec. Didn’t you say the

Guan-Di protects the dead --

ZOOM IN on Wing, bean curd still spilling from his mouth,

as he glances back and sees the Guan-Di’s demonic, angry

eyes glowing over him. Bean curd still spilling from his

mouth, Wing suddenly realizes he’s hosed.

WING:

Good poin --

The Guan-Di suddenly LASHES OUT, his silver blade lopping

off Wing’s head with one savage whack! Bean curd goes

flying as the Guan-Di turns his demonic red eyes toward

Bruce and Kelly.

KELLY:

Bruce --

Bruce contemplates his next move, snapping his fingers as

he gets an idea.

BRUCE:

Wait, wait one minute...

(remembering)

There was one other script... I

did pass on it... more like a

rewrite... actually, I saved the

thing, Writer’s Guild screwed me

out of my credit...

KELLY:

Bruce, what is it?!

Bruce suddenly raises his rifle and aims it, NOT at the

Guan-Di but at the tree branches over the Guan-Di’s head.

BRUCE:

Sweet little number that goes

something like this --

Bruce FIRES! The bullet hits a branch over the Guan-Di’s

head and splits it off, sending it dropping straight

toward the demon. The Guan-Di looks up as the branch

comes down --

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 94.

CONTINUED:
(3)

WING (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

MISSING HIM BY INCHES and crashing into a pile of LOGS by

the Guan-Di’s feet. The impact dislodges the logs and

sends them rolling out of the graveyard...

STRAIGHT TOWARD BRUCE, KELLY AND JEFF.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

RUN!!

Kelly and Jeff bolt, but Bruce TRIPS over a fallen branch

and pancakes to the ground as the Guan-Di approaches.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Kelly! Jeff! Run!

As they sprint off, the Guan-Di reaches Bruce and PICKS

HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF HIS SHIRT...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Ayiyaiyaiyai...

Then the Guan-Di THROWS Bruce across the graveyard.

Bruce SLAMS into one of the old markers and slides to the

ground, groaning. He’s struggling to pick himself up

when the Guan-Di suddenly looms over him, grabbing him

and

HURLING BRUCE into Kelly’s pick-up. Bruce’s ass crunches

in the windshield, then he rolls off and hits the dirt.

As Bruce tries to get up, the Guan-Di’s shadow looms over

him again.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Wait... can’t we talk this

ouWWWW...

The Guan-Di lifts Bruce to his feet so they’re looking at

each other eye to eye, then the Guan-Di SLAMS his palm

into Bruce’s chest.

ETHEREAL FIRE explodes from the contact as Bruce’s eyes

flutter, stretching into an “oriental” configuration and

turning demonic red. He’s been

POSSESSED by the Guan-Di!

BRUCE (CONT’D)

(growling)

Nhhggrrrrrr...

The Guan-Di releases Bruce and he staggers back, walking

jerkily, like a puppet on a string...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 95.

CONTINUED:
(4)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Am... u... let...

EXT. WOOD - NIGHT

Kelly and Jeff are racing through the moonlit woods,

around trees and dense foliage, desperate to get away.

KELLY:

Hurry, Jeff, run!

JEFF:

(over shoulder)

But, but what about...

SUDDENLY THE POSSESSED BRUCE springs up in front of them.

Kelly SCREAMS as Jeff SLAMS right into him.

Bruce’s hand SNAPS OUT and grab Jeff around the throat,

choking him. His other hand reaches for Jeff’s pocket,

and the Asian amulet (which has been there since Jeff put

it there, back in his trailer).

BRUCE:

(possessed)

You... released Guan-Di... took amu-let...

KELLY:

Bruce! What are you doing?

As Jeff chokes, unable to break free, Kelly tries to

punch Bruce away, but he’s too strong.

KELLY (CONT’D)

For God’s sakes, Bruce! Let him

go!

Desperate, Kelly finds a heavy branch on the ground and

swings it like a BASEBALL BAT, smashing it across the

back of Bruce’s head. But the limb simply disintegrates

into dust as Bruce continues to choke Jeff.

BRUCE:

(possessed)

...took... keeeeyyyy... beaaannn

curd...

KELLY:

Oh God oh God oh God...

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 96.

CONTINUED:
(5)

(CONTINUED)

Desperate, getting an idea, Kelly picks up on the

possessed Bruce’s last comment and BOLTS back toward the

graveyard.

EXT. CHINESE CEMETARY - NIGHT

Kelly races to Wing’s decapitated body. Looking for

something, she kneels by Wing’s corpse, prying open his

dead hand...

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Kelly runs back into the woods. Jeff is faltering,

gasping as possessed Bruce continues to choke him.

Suddenly,

KELLY rushes up to the demonic Bruce and STUFFS a handful

of bean-curd into his mouth!

KELLY:

Suck on that, hell-demon! Let him

go!

Bean curd dribbling from his possessed lips, Bruce

releases Jeff, rears back and ROARS toward the Heavens.

Spitting curd into the sky. Then, spent, Bruce drops to

his knees, head down, gasping. Not willing to take any

chances,

KELLY finds another thick branch and raises it, preparing

for a killing stroke. She hesitates, just for a moment,

eyes filling with unexpected tears...

KELLY (CONT’D)

I... I’m sorry...

As she swings, Bruce’s hand suddenly SNAPS UP and catches

her wrist mid-swing. Bruce’s head is still down, so for

an instant we don’t know if this is real or Memorex-Demon

Bruce until...

HE LOOKS UP. His eyes clear, back to normal. Slowly

shaking his head “no” as he stands, savoring Kelly’s

relief.

BRUCE:

You’re sorry. That bean-curd

tastes like...

The heroic moment is muted when Jeff, angry after being

choked, KICKS BRUCE IN THE BALLS.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 97.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

OOmphhhh!!

JEFF:

Son of a b*tch, you tried to kill

me!

BRUCE:

(pained voice)

No... it was the demon... the one

without balls...

Still in agony, Bruce shows them the amulet.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

And this... is what it’s after.

KELLY:

Costume jewelry?

BRUCE:

Not quite.

(glaring at Jeff)

Genius here took it when he

unleashed Hari-Kari-Larry. It’s a

sacred amulet, the one that brings

peace to the Guan-Di and the souls

of the dead. You know. Just THE

WHOLE REASON WE’RE HERE!

KELLY:

Easy. We can play the blame game

later. Question is, what do we do

now?

Bruce pulls himself together. Looks into the darkness.

BRUCE:

What else you got in that truck of

yours?

EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

OPEN TIGHT on a smiling, heroic Bruce Campbell face.

Slowly PULL BACK to reveal it’s actually a CARDBOARD

STANDEE from the CAVEALIEN movie, featuring Bruce in his

uniform. The box of DYNAMITE right behind it.

The Standee is perched between some fallen rocks in the

mouth of the cave. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal Bruce

and Kelly rolling demolition wire out away from the

standee, toward a

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 98.

CONTINUED:

EXT. DARK SPOT IN WOODS NEAR CAVE - NIGHT

Bruce and Kelly bring the wire back to Jeff, waiting with

the dynamite plunger.

BRUCE:

Way I figure it, this demon has a

serious hard-on for yours truly.

When he spots my puss on his

doorstep he’s gonna go Pearl

Harbor, and that’s when we drop

the mountain on his Jackie-Chan

ass.

KELLY:

Sounds risky.

BRUCE:

Yeah. That’s our only standee.

But right now it’s our only...

In the distance, they HEAR the demonic YOWL of the GuanDi. Jeff, hooking up the wires to an old-fashioned

“shove the handle down” detonator box, shivers.

JEFF:

Jesus. He’s coming back.

As they finish their preparations, Bruce looks Kelly and

Jeff in the eye.

BRUCE:

Look, however this turns out, I

just want you both to know...

Kelly and Jeff both take a breath, like they know the

sentiment that Bruce is going for...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

...that I’ll never forgive you for

dragging me out here.

In the distance, the Guan-Di moves out of the woods into

the moonlight. His gleaming sword WET with blood. As he

nears the cave entrance...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Hold... hold it... wait until he’s

inside the cave...

The Guan-Di sees the smiling Bruce standee in the cave

entrance and REARS BACK, GROWLING. With a samurai

change, it runs at the standee, blade high.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 99.

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE (CONT’D)

He’s seen it! Easy... easy...

But just as it seems it’s going to take the bait and go

into the cave entrance, the Guan-Di STOPS. Like it

senses something’s wrong.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Sh*t.

KELLY:

What’s wrong?

BRUCE:

He’s not buying it! Sh*t! That’s

a great likeness, too.

JEFF:

What are we going to do?

Bruce collects himself, shaking his head. Can’t believe

he’s about to do this...

BRUCE:

Wait here. I’m going in.

KELLY:

Bruce, wait! That’s suicide!

BRUCE:

You’re right.

Bruce shoves his rifle into Kelly’s hands.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

You’d better do it.

JEFF:

Bruce, the Guan-Di’s going to be

looking for you.

BRUCE:

Kay-rist....

(takes gun back)

All right. I’ll try to lure him

into the cave. The second he does

inside, you drop that plunger.

Got me?

Bruce is about to take off when...

KELLY:

Bruce! Wait.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 100.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

She suddenly, impulsively pulls Bruce into a tight

embrace. They look into each other’s eyes, then, just as

they’re about to kiss...

KELLY (CONT’D)

You wanna move that hand?

Bruce looks down, surprised. PULL BACK to reveal that

for once, he’s NOT groping her.

BRUCE:

But I...

Kelly smiles, takes his hands and pulls them around her

in a passionate embrace. Then they kiss, passionate, the

kind of kiss a girl gives a guy right before he heads off

to war. As they finally break...

KELLY:

For luck.

BRUCE:

Another kiss like that, I could

win the lottery.

Bruce nods back to Jeff, poised over the plunger, then

BOLTS FOR THE CAVE ENTRANCE.

EXT. CAVE

The Guan-Di turns as it hears Bruce running toward him.

BRUCE:

All right, Top Ramen, let’s do

this!

The Guan-Di raises his sword, the steel glinting in the

moonlight, as Bruce runs at him and TACKLES HIM STRAIGHT

BACK INTO THE CAVE.

EXT. DARK SPOT OUTSIDE CAVE - NIGHT

Jeff realizes it’s time to do the deed, but he’s frozen

over the plunger.

KELLY:

Jeff!

JEFF:

Mom, I... I can’t!

(anguished)

It... it’s Bruce Campbell!

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 101.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

KELLY:

I know how much he means to you...

how much he means to audiences the

world over... but right now,

you’ve got to ask yourself one

question.

(beat)

What would Bruce Campbell do?

Jeff thinks a moment, then shrugs and SLAMS DOWN the

plunger!

EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

The cave entrance EXPLODES in a plume of fire and rock.

As the explosion settles, dust and smoke billowing, an

eerie quiet falls across the scene.

KELLY and JEFF slowly move toward the cave entrance.

It’s completely sealed by fallen rock. Horrified by what

they’ve done, Jeff and Kelly drop to their knees outside

the blast area.

BRUCE’S SMILING FACE, torn from the shattered standee,

grins at them from the dusty boulders.

JEFF:

I... I can’t believe he’s gone.

Suddenly there’s a RATTLE of rock by the cave entrance.

Kelly and Jeff turn, fearing the worst, stunned to see

BRUCE’S BLOODIED HAND clawing out of the rubble.

KELLY/JEFF

BRUCE!!!!

They rush over and throw away some of the rocks, pulling

Bruce free. He’s battered and bloodied, but alive.

BRUCE:

Somebody get the license number of

that truck?

As they pull Bruce out, he makes a point of taking the

stolen amulet from his pocket and JAMMING it into the

rocks.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

And STAY there.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 102.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

Wobbly, Bruce takes Kelly’s hand, and with Jeff beside

them, they begin to limp away from the cave. It’s a

quiet moment, the horror finally winding down.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Just got one request, Jeff.

JEFF:

Anything, Bruce.

BRUCE:

Next time you release an ancient

Chinese demon, call that Buffy

chick, will ya?

As they all share a movie-ending laugh...

THE GUAN-DI BURSTS OUT OF THE ROCKS behind them. In SLOW

MOTION, Bruce, Kelly and Jeff turn in horror as the

monster ROARS toward them, sword high, about to kill

them...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

CUT!

(regular motion)

Cut cut cut cut CUT!

All action stops. The Guan-Di pulls up short, puzzled.

Kelly and Jeff take a step back, watching as Bruce goes

out of character.

BRUCE (CONT’D)

This isn’t working.

(re:
Kelly)

First of all, could props swing a

little mouthie-washie for Ms.

Romania 1992? Kissing this

broad’s like licking a cat’s ass.

KELLY:

(Romanian accent)

Up yours.

PULL BACK to reveal we’re on an EXTERIOR MOVIE SET. A

gaffer’s truck nearby reads ROMANIAN LIGHTING SERVICES.

As the crew chatter in ROMANIAN, the DIRECTOR OF

PHOTOGRAPHY (the same guy we saw shooting CAVEALIEN)

steps into frame.

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY

What’s the problem, B.C.?

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 103.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

A blind man could see it! The

audience is going to be totally

invested in my character by this

point. We pull the ol’ “surprise,

they all die” ending, we’re gonna

lose ‘em.

(slaps Fred on the

back)

People love me, Fred. They want

me to win.

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY

But...

BRUCE:

Don’t argue with the muse.

Bruce paces a moment, snapping his fingers, the picture

of “the creative process.” Finally, triumphant, like

he’s hit on the solution...

BRUCE (CONT’D)

Pack up these potato eaters.

We’re moving on...

EXT. COUNTRY HOME - DAY

A lovely little country home on a bright sunny day.

After a moment,

KELLY, wearing a pretty summer dress, steps out, smiling

broadly as BRUCE comes down the walk, jaunty and heroic.

BRUCE:

Sore eyes, meet sight-for. I

could use some serious feel-good

about now.

KELLY:

Step right up, movie-star.

As they sweep back in a romantic kiss, Jeff, now dressed

like a college preppy, walks out on the porch, smiling at

all the love on display. As Bruce and Kelly break off

their kiss, Jeff unfolds an official looking letter.

JEFF:

Guys, guess what! I was just

accepted to Yale!

Bruce and Kelly both rush to Jeff, pulling him close.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 104.

CONTINUED:
(2)

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Told you that C average wouldn’t

matter!

(pulls them together)

Come on. Group hug!

As they hold one another, savoring their new, perfect

lives, suddenly a shadow washes over them. As they turn,

eyes going wide in horror, reveal

THE GUAN-DI standing over them, raising his sword and

SCHWACK --

(THIS COULD BE THE END, WITH THE FOLLOWING RUNNING

BETWEEN THE CREDITS)

INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY

With the Guan-Di image frozen on a small screen, Bruce

leans back from a flatbed, enraptured with the conclusion

of his latest masterpiece. He gives his weary editor a

nudge.

BRUCE:

Perfecto. Fanboy’s will be

creaming their jeans over the

false ending.

(cocky, to editor)

Take three more seconds off

Kelly’s close-up... no, make it

five... and hold on me. Then give

me a fade and a dissolve... prelap that dialogue... show me some

magic, baby!

Suddenly there’s another demonic RUMBLE. The editing

room SHAKES. Cocky Bruce suddenly looks nervous... what

the hell is going on? Suddenly the fierce Guan-Di demon

BURSTS INTO THE EDITING ROOM

and careens toward a SCREAMING BRUCE (just like the

ending of the first EVIL DEAD). CUT TO:

INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY

ON SCREEN, the violent editing room scene fades to black.

Bruce leans back in a comfy chair in the plush screening

room, puffing a stogie, savoring the completion of his

latest epic.

Verheiden "My Name Is Bruce" 4/2/06 105.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRUCE:

Two trick endings! Get my

publicist on the phone and tell

her to book my tickets to the

Saturn Awards. ‘cause we’ve got a

winner!

(hits intercom)

Okay, Morrie, roll it again!

Bruce leans back, savoring his smoke, when suddenly we

hear another RUMBLE... and Guan-Di suddenly LEAPS ACROSS

THE SCREENING ROOM and lunges at Bruce as he stands and

SCREAMS, mimicking (again) the end of EVIL DEAD...

FADE OUT.

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Mark Verheiden

Mark Verheiden (born March 26, 1956) is an American television, movie, and comic book writer. He was a co-executive producer for the television series Falling Skies for DreamWorks Television and the TNT Network. more…

All Mark Verheiden scripts | Mark Verheiden Scripts

(0 fans)

Submitted by JamesLA0721 on November 06, 2022

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "My Name Is Bruce" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 30 Nov. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/my_name_is_bruce_26958>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    The Marketplace:

    Sell your Script !

    Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!


    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.