Movie 43 Page #5

I trust you.

I feel like you're my soul mate.

I want to give you this gift.

I want you to be my first.

To... poop?

On me.

What? You don't want to?

- No, I mean...

- Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Of course I'm attracted to you, honey.

So will you?

Poop on me?

(MEDIUM-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, man. You just hit

the f***ing lottery, man.

You don't think it's a little weird,

for wanting him to sh*t on her?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, man.

Have some respect for this guy. OK?

She did not ask him to sh*t on her.

Shitting is something you do on a whore.

- Right.

- Right?

Pooping is a gift you give

to your soul mate.

- OK.

- Of course!

- DOUG:
I never looked at it like that.

- Tell me, man. What's on the menu?

- Before you do the big deed.

- I don't know. Does it f***ing matter?

- Is she a vegetarian?

- No.

Boom! Big, beef burrito

with extra beans on that bad boy.

Put some salsa,

some guacamole for color,

so when it come out of you,

it's a festival.

You know what I'm saying?

You went the extra yard for your lady.

- I don't know...

- You hear me?

I'm doing something classy, OK?

I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks,

a salad and red wine.

- Nice.

- No, no, no, no.

F***ing no! It's not about

how fancy it goes in,

it's about how fancy it comes out.

And, believe me,

Mexican food makes a f***ing mess.

Don't mess with f***ing salads.

You know what salad does?

It locks down your bowels.

You don't want your bowels

all locked down, do you?

No. Drinks are cool.

Have a few f***ing drinks.

- Makes you last longer.

- Last longer?

You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze

Thank You Please, right?

- You really don't want to be that.

- Billy. Goddamn, Billy.

Why don't you go over there

while grown people are talking over here.

Go over there and play

with your GI Joe or some sh*t, man.

- Yeah, I'll go over there.

- Look it.

Take my advice on this one.

You go out tonight

and you sh*t on a few skanks.

- OK?

- Yes.

To get it all out your system.

F***ing tomorrow,

you are a one-poop man.

Understand?

- What the f*** is this?

- Viagra, brother.

- Poop Viagra. Yeah.

- You just carry that on you?

- Yeah, I carry this sh*t around on me.

- At barbecues?

You goddamn right.

I got a meat problem.

I eat f***ing meat,

I gotta clean that sh*t out.

- OK?

- Fine...

(FARTING)

- JULIE:
I'm ready, sweetie.

- Oh, f***.

(MUFFLED) In a minute!

- (GRUNTING)

- (BOWELS GURGLING)

I love her. Hey, I love her.

- (FARTING)

- Oh!

- Hey, hey.

- (CHUCKLES)

Oh... (GRUNTS)

- You look nice.

- Thank you.

- OK, let's go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Honey. What are you doing?

- Huh?

What am I doing? You know what

I'm doing. I'm trying to, you know...

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