Miss Dial

Synopsis: A consumer affair rep who works from her apartment decides to play hooky one day, and spends her time calling random people, looking for new connections.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): David H. Steinberg
Production: Phase 4 Films
  1 win.
88 min

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,

my name is Erica.

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I just, I just opened up a can

of your tomato soup and there is

a big fat rat turd right

in the middle of the soup.

Well, I am very sorry

to hear that sir,

I can help you with that today

but first, I just need to

verify a few things.

First of all, are you sure the

foreign particle in question

is a rat dropping?

While rare, sometimes bits

of meat can contaminate

our vegetarian soup products.

It's a rat turd. Okay?

Do you want me to

send it to you?

Do you want to taste it and

see if it's a stray piece

of prime rib, or do you want

to go ahead and trust me

that there is in fact

a piece of rodent sh*t

in the middle of my soup?

That won't be necessary, sir.

There is no need to preserve

the can in question,

you can go ahead and dispose of

it and I can send you a coupon

for a free replacement

can of soup.

How does that sound?

That sounds pretty

God damn weak!

You know, rats caused

the plague, you know?

I could sue you.

I'm very sorry for

your inconvenience.

Because of your extreme

circumstances, I can offer you

a coupon for a dozen cans of

soup, one each month for a year.

Would that be satisfactory?

Yeah, I guess,

fine, whatever.


Let me just take down your

information and we can

get that right out to you.

Please hold.

Yeah, I heard there's mercury

in these light bulbs.

There is a trace amount of

mercury used in the manufacture

of our compact

florescent bulbs,

but there's no danger

to consumers.

Is your bulb damaged or broken?

I don't think so.

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn

setting, it's, uh,

it's still burning my popcorn.

I can help you with that,

but first, I need to ask you

a few questions.

Did you remove the popcorn

bag from the plastic wrapper?


Um, let me call you back.

Is the toilet bowl

cleaner safe for animals?

Excuse me?

My dog keeps drinking the blue

water and I think it might be

making him sick, he keeps

foaming at the mouth.

How do I know if

the makeup is working?

This pizza is not as

good as delivery pizza.

How do I make my eyes pop?

See, I'm having a little

situation with

your instant glue.

This TV gets the same

channels as my old TV.

What color goes on my T-zone?

In my day, you could buy a whole

barrel of pickles for a nickel.

It says layer to desired result.

How do I know when I'm there?

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling

about today?

I'm calling

about my crockpot.

Pet Lovers

dry cat food mix.

The 18 volt shop-vac.

The Ready Made

Nachos pack.

Mini pizza bagels.

Hemorrhoids cream.

The DVD player.

The plant food.

I can help you with that.

Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray

disc in and nothing happens

for like ten minutes

before it plays.

CPI's Blu-ray players actually

have some of the best load times

in the industry but as Blu-ray's

a new technology, advances are

being made every day to provide

innovative new features,

interactive online play and

improved disc access time.

That's improved?

So it's supposed to suck?

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,

my name is Erica.

And which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Hi, I'm calling about

your lawn mower!

It just cut off my toe!

Sir, you need to hang up

the phone and call 911!

I can't...

Your number was on the lawn

mower so I called you

and I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to panic,

I'm losing a lot of blood here.

What do I do?

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David H. Steinberg

David H. Steinberg is a writer, director, and producer for film and television. He wrote the screenplays for American Pie 2, Slackers, National Lampoon's Barely Legal, American Pie Presents: The Book of Love and The Simpsons. more…

All David H. Steinberg scripts | David H. Steinberg Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Miss Dial" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 15 Jun 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/miss_dial_13842>.

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