Milk Money

Synopsis: Young Frank and his pals get an idea for the ultimate in excitement. They decide to pool their savings, bicycle to the nearby Big City, and hire some woman of the streets to strip for them. Things do not work out that simply, but they do meet V, a Hooker With A Heart Of Gold, who ends up giving them a ride home. Soon she is living in Frank's treehouse, unbeknownst to Frank's widowed father Tom, who thinks she is one of Frank's teachers. Soon, however, the evil Waltzer comes looking for V.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Richard Benjamin
Production: Paramount Home Video
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
110 min

You ever fart and sneeze

at the same time?

You ever barf up something

you know you didn't eat?

I got sick one time

and barfed a whole shrimp.

I mean, I know I chewed it.

I got a better one.

Once, I barfed so hard

that I pulled a string bean

out of my nose.

That was gross.

Oh, that's so slimy.


You know when you just

wake up, and you're sick,

and you're just waiting

to suck it down.

Aw, man you could hawk one

of those ten feet, easy.

No, no, no... it's better

to blow them out your nose.

No, no, it's better to suck.

Now, those are not

the best loogies.

My cousin hawked a loogie

from the top of the

Empire State Building.

Hit a lady in the head.

Killed her.

He's in prison now.

In prison for snot.

Boom, boom.

Okay, you guys, come on.

We place here

in the time capsule...

the sacred shoe box.

Okay, in the sacred shoe box,

the things we do not understand,

to be opened again when all

the mysteries of the universe

have been revealed to us.

Who's first? Kevin.

I found it in my mom's secret

drawer, in this plastic box.

I know what this is.

It goes in the bottom of

the bathtub to stop the drain.

No, it doesn't.

It's a diaphragm.

It prevents the passage

of sperm into the uterus...

in girls.

How do you know that?

I saw it on Nightline.

I'm telling you, Frank,

it goes in the bottom

of the bathtub.

I think it's

a travel drinking cup.

She'll never miss it.

Wait, don't drink out of it

until we know what it is.



I found it in my sister's room.

I believe it's

some kind of weapon.

A picture of my dead mother.

How come you're

putting it in the box?

Because I don't know why

my dad keeps all of her pictures

hidden in the attic, and tells

me she looked like Grace Kelley.

Who's Grace Kelley?

Oh, she was a very famous clown.

She was a princess.

And, also...

I don't know what

it's like to have a mother.

We could tell you.

You can't tell somebody

something like that.

Have you ever noticed

that girls don't fart?

My mom farts.

Looks like a boob.


Make them fly around.

My boob's bigger than yours.

Let's see if you can

catch my boob.

You've got, like,

a mosquito bite boob, Frank.

Why don't girls spit?

They're hiding

something from us.

The rules have changed.


It's a battle of the sexes...

and believe me,

we are way behind.


I can't dance.

You see this, Frank?

This little seedling

represents an entire species

of marsh grass.

If it lives,

the wetlands will survive,

Mortlake turtle can return

to its natural habitat,

and birds like the glossy ibis

won't lose another

precious nesting place.

Dad, if you don't get dressed,

we'll be late for school.

Dad, if you don't get dressed,

we'll be late for school.

Hey, hey, look at this.

You won a prize.


What is that?


They're assigning Cosmopolitan

as homework?

No, they assigned this,

but I'm getting nowhere with it.

You can't relate that

to the real world.

Like how?

Like, was Mom a virgin

when you married her?

What are you studying, religion?


Are you going to tell me

about Mom or not?


Boy, that's good coffee.

Fresh brewed?


Now, how 'bout

if you love someone?

Do you have to have sex

with them?

This can't be instant.

We ran out of beans.

And if you kiss a girl,

what base is that,

and where's the birth canal?

I have a chart.

You never have to have sex

if you don't want to,

kissing a girl's first base,

the birth canal's right there,

and you shouldn't have sex

unless you're in love

and probably married.

Why not?

I don't remember-

Rate this script:(4.00 / 4 votes)

John Mattson

John Mattson is an American screenwriter. His screenplay for the film Milk Money was sold to Paramount Pictures for $1.1 million after Paramount topped a $1 million bid from Dino De Laurentiis Communications. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Milk Money" STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 2 Jul 2022. <>.

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