Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life
1
You guys wanna
handle this for me?
On it, boss.
On it.
I just said that.
Why do you even
set this thing, Rafe,
if you're not gonna go to sleep?
Give me the blaster, quick.
Ready. Aim.
Fire!
Check the barrel.
Uh-oh.
Ah, that never gets old.
Great. Now I have two headaches.
Let's blast it.
On three. One...
Rafe.
Rafe?
Rise and shine, buddy.
Rafe.
Are you up?
Wake up!
What?
Oh, boy.
Is it morning already?
Please tell me you did not stay
No, of course not.
No, the only reason I would
ever be up all night
is just because I'm so excited
to go to school today.
But I wasn't up all night.
Come here.
Why?
Gross. What're you doing?
I'm wiping the excitement
off your face.
It looks a lot like ink.
Mom, where's my breakfast?
It's coming.
Georgia, for the millionth time,
Calvin's not allowed in my room.
For the billionth time,
it's Mr. giggles to you.
And just because you're grumpy
doesn't give you the right to
make the rest of us miserable.
Okay, guys, come on.
Let's go, Calvin.
We don't have to take this.
You know, hon, I have to say,
really impressive updates for
the Vinlothian star cruiser.
Thanks.
Look...
I know it's hard, starting
a new school mid-semester,
and I don't wanna
take this away from you,
but you have to promise me
sleeping moment working on this
when there's a whole
big world out there.
Mom, there's a whole
big world in there, too.
I'm talking about
the real world.
Give it a try, would you?
For me?
Hmm?
Okay.
On the menu for today,
with tomato coulis.
You know, Georgia and I
would be completely fine
if you just made us, like,
a bologna sandwich.
I'm a sous-chef,
not a chemical engineer.
Oh, and for dessert,
we have
a deconstructed lime tart.
Why'd you deconstruct it?
I don't know.
I don't wanna do something
the same old, regular way.
Where's the imagination in that?
you wanna make a difference,
you gotta think outside the box.
Did you order an Uber?
Oh, man!
She's gonna get me arrested.
Better you than me.
Hello! Not getting
any younger here.
Uh, do that again, and you're
I was just pulling it around
to save time.
Never again.
Move.
You should wanna be early, too,
considering your track record.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
Fine. Shut me out.
But I'm the only one willing to
give you the cold hard facts.
You've been kicked out of
two schools in one year.
Georgia, I'll handle
the lectures.
Go for it.
No, thank you.
I'm tired of that lecture.
See, you're exhausting people.
This is the last school
that'll take you.
And if you mess up here,
you're gonna end up
at a new school
called "prison elementary."
So get your head
out of your Keister.
Uh-tut-tut-tut-tut!
I'm just trying to help
a brother out, mom.
Look how nice it looks.
It's gonna be a great first day.
I can just feel it.
So just be polite
and don't forget to listen.
I'm sorry, what?
See, this is why kids
shouldn't have Espresso.
No, no, no,
I told you no more coffee.
Narc.
Addict.
Snitches get stitches.
Stop. Listen. They have me
working a double again,
so Carl's gonna pick you up.
No!
Why?
I know. It's been a tough
year for all of us.
But he's there for me
when I need him.
And lately,
So let's all put on our
be-nice-to-Carl faces, okay?
Okay, we'll work on it,
we'll work on it.
Listen, have a great first day.
I love you so much.
Be on your
best behavior. Okay?
Quiet in the hallways,
please. Okay?
I'd like to have a silent
hallway one of these days.
Excuse me, young man.
What is your name?
Rafe Khatchadorian.
What did you just say to me?
It's my last name.
I'm new.
Well, being new
does not entitle you
to swagger in here
with no clothes on.
I'm... I'm wearing clothes.
No, those aren't clothes.
Those are rule violations.
Every single thing you have on flies
in the face of rule number 22.
What's rule number 22?
Are you telling me that you
haven't read our code of conduct?
All right, if I don't tell you,
I won't get in trouble, right?
Unbelievable.
The code of conduct, young man.
Read it, learn it, live it.
Rule number 22 is,
"always obey the dress code."
no wild colors.
Look what's happening to
the collar of your shirt here.
Your headphones
are dragging it open.
Nobody needs to see where your
Yeah, okay, yeah, got it.
"Got it"?
How about, "got it, sir"?
Rule number one
here at hills village
is to respect your principal.
And since I am the principal,
that means
you need to respect me
by calling me "sir,"
or if you prefer,
"principal Dwight."
Or maybe even
"sir Dwight," if you like.
Good. You have recognized
my keen sense of humor.
Not everybody does.
Good man. Okay, good.
All right. On your way into
school, which is that way.
There he is!
Ah, intense, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, Georgia thought
I was gonna end up in prison,
Yeah, well, you know,
at least in prison
we can carve, like, shanks out
of toothbrushes, you know.
It's good to see you, Leo. Honestly,
I didn't think you'd be here, too.
This was the last school
in the district
that would take us.
Holla!
Holla!
- It's so weird...
- Excuse me.
Is your name David?
No.
Were you carved by Michelangelo?
No.
Stop standing around
like a statue.
You're blocking
the flow of traffic.
Yeah, you heard the warden,
get back to your cell, Rafe.
Hallway etiquette is no
laughing matter, young man.
And rule number 11
clearly states,
"no loitering in the halls."
Okay.
Okay?
Okay, sir?
It's vice principal Stricker.
Go, now.
Shon.
Yeah?
Do you know how to
sync this to your phone?
Um... probably not.
Doesn't your dad work at best buy?
Oh, yeah, he does.
Just in marketing.
So you don't get any free stuff?
I do,
You got it?
It's just homeroom.
We'll wait.
Okay, let's start class.
Bella? Bella.
Please put your phone away
during class.
You can't rate teachers
on yelp anyway.
I've tried.
So we have a new student today.
I'm assuming you are...
I'm a transfer student, sir.
Oh, you don't have to
call me "sir."
Makes me feel old.
And I already feel old.
I drive a Saturn.
It's just, principal Dwight
told me to call everyone "sir."
It's one of his rules.
Okay.
Well, I don't see any principal
Dwight in here. Do you?
Seriously, do you? Because
he is a master of disguise.
So we have a new
transfer student today
whose name I'm realizing
I did not ask just now.
What's your name?
Rafe Khatchadorian.
Whoa! It would suck to have to
spell that dumb name.
Well, Rafe, welcome to hell.
Back to the homework
from last night.
You all listened to the Drake
and future mixtape last night.
Because today we will be
talking about fair trade.
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