Meet the Feebles

Synopsis: Heidi, the star of the "Meet The Feebles Variety Hour" discovers her lover Bletch, The Walrus, is cheating on her, and with all the world waiting for the show the assorted co-stars must contend with their own problems. These include drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, Drug dealing, and even murder. While this is happening the love between two of the stars is threatened by the devious Trevor the Rat, who wishes to exploit the young starlet for use in his porno movie business.
Genre: Comedy, Music, Musical
Director(s): Peter Jackson
Production: Dead Alive
  4 wins & 1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
97 min

Ladies and gentlemen,

your attention please.

Welcome to the newest,

the greatest...

the most spectacular

show in entertainment history.

Put your hands together for

the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!

Meet the Feebles,

meet the Feebles...

We're not average ordinary people.

Meet the Feebles,

meet the Feebles.

Animal acts

and other attractions.

Bring me a p*ssy

and I show you some action.

I'm a contortionist.

A modernist.

An hippopotamus.

Be sure we guarantee

to amuse you.

Wait to meet the Feebles.

Meet the Feebles,

meet the Feebles.

We're not average ordinary people.

Meet the Feebles,

Meet the Feebles.

And now...



Yipeee! Ha ha!

Hi, folks!

Welcome to the Feebles

Variety Hour.

Oh boy, what a line-up

we've got for you tonight.

But first, give a huge reception

to our very own Venus...

that gorgeous hunk

of hippo-hood, Heidi!

I'm Heidi, hi!

I love you all.

You're as pretty as me,

but I'm the star.

I put on my best,

my talents are huge.

We've got a show...

but it's about to start

to meet the Feebles.

Meet the Feebles.

We're not average

ordinary people.

Meet the Feebles,

meet the Feebles.

All right you fat slag,

move your ass!

How dare you speak to me like that,

you horrible, spiteful little rat!

I've heard better singing from

a mongoose with throat cancer.

I won't stand for this treatment

any longer.

I'm an artiste.

I demand respect.

Artiste, that's a good one.

That's it!

I've had enough!

- I'm going straight to Bletch.

- You do that darling.

What is going on over there?

Heidi, where are you going?

Have you upset her again?

You know what happens

when she gets into a tizz.

The old cow's had it too good

for too long.

Like it or not, Trevor,

she's the star of the show.

There's no Feebles without Heidi.

Come on everybody.

We're going out live

in twelve hours.

Heaven forbid injecting

some urgency into this occasion...

but for God's sake

get a move on!

Have a good rehearsal, Miss Heidi.


Oh, sh*t!

I was just about

to pop my cookies!

Sorry, Heidi, I was just

finishing off some paperwork.

Trevor's been insulting me.

Why, that foul-mouthed little rodent.

I'll give him a good talking to.

If it happens again,

I shan't perform.

There there Heidi,

don't upset yourself.

Do I smell perfume?

You're imagining things

my sweet.

Now you go and rest up.

Big night tonight.

Come to my room later on?

I'll try.

Oh God!


When are you going to dump

that huckery moll?

Huckery moll she may be,

but she's also our major drawcard.

Show some guts, Bletch!

Get rid of her!

- God, wouldn't like to!

- I'm not waiting around for ever.

Don't worry, honey.

I'm working on it.

Excuse me, please.

I wonder if you can help me.

I've a letter here requesting me

to report to the stage manager.

I'm busy.

Ask somebody else.

Oh, well, no... you see...

Excuse me, sir.

I wonder if you can help.

I've a letter here asking me

to report to the stage manager.

I don't know man.

It's been a hell of a day.

I can feel a migraine coming on.

I need a paracetamol.

Up here!

New boy are you?

Looking for Arthur?

Is he the stage manager?

That's what he calls himself.

You'll never find him.

I'll take you there.

Thank you very much.

I had an audition six months ago

and I've just got the confirmation...

of my acceptance

into the Feeble Chorus.

I tell you what, kiddo.

It's not that crash hot.

They run you ragged

and they pay's lousy.

I'm not worried about the pay.

It's an honour just to get a chance...

to perform in the show.

I've been an admirer

of the Feebles for such a long time.


You'll find it pretty tough

on the wages they dish out.

But if you ever want to earn

a little extra on the side...

I'm always interested

in little stories...

anything spicy

or even smutty.

Hey Arthur!

There's a new boy to see you.

There's more filth here

than in the city sewers.

And I pay good money

for the right info.

Here you go, kid.

Don't hesitate to get in touch.

You must be Robert.

I've been expecting you.

Pleased to meet you sir.

Just call me Arthur.

Here you don't want that, son.

He's a non-good muckraker

from the gutter press.

Got nothing better to do

than make up lies...

and nasty stories about the cast.


That's Miss Heidi.

You'll have heard of her.

I certainly have.

She's my favourite star.

Excuse me, girls.

Can I have your attention

for a minute?

I'd like to introduce you all

to a new member of the chorus.

I'm sure you'll do your best to make

him feel a part of the Feeble family.

Come on, say hello Robert.

Don't be bashful.

Oh, isn't he handsome?

What a lovely set of quills!

That's Lucille.

She's just joined the chorus

as well.

You two should get together


Is it true that long quills

are a sign of virility?

Now look what you've done!

You've gone and got him

all embarrassed.

Come on Robert old son.

Uncurl, there's a good boy.

I think he fancies you, Lucy.

Yes, it's true love all right.

See the way he looked at you.

Stop it!

He's just an old hedgehog!

Get up your knees!

Put your head up!

Don't forget to breath!

Funny little sandhopper

basking in the sun...

dancing and a-hopping

having lots of fun.

Bit of sand landed

in that hopper's eye.

Little sandhopper said,

"My oh my"...

I get one leg missing...

one leg missing...

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes

Fran Walsh

Fran Walsh was born on January 10, 1959 in Wellington, New Zealand. She is known for her work on The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002). She has been married to Peter Jackson since 1987. They have two children. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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