
Meet Monica Velour
MEET MONICA VELOUR
There you go.
That's mine.
Hey, Tobe!
Oh my God.
Stare much?
- Hey, Kenny.
- Hey. Can I have a taco dog?
- Yeah, is that it?
- And a button buster.
There you go.
Is that your girlfriend?
Not that you'd understand,
but Amanda Pak is so hopelessly dorky
that even a dateless wonder like myself
has to draw the line somewhere.
Uh-huh.
$4.50, home slice.
My dad says he'll pay you
if you give me a receipt.
from his taxes.
I think you and your dad
deserve each other.
He also told me to ask you
for a ride home when you're done.
Fish got to swim, birds got to fly
I've got to love one man till I die
So I can't help
Loving that man of mine
Diddley-doot-doo-doot-doo...
- This is gay.
- No, classic.
It stood the test of time.
The coolest cars, the '50s.
The best movies, the '70s.
The best songs, the '30s.
The golden age of American songwriting.
More like olden age.
Why can't you like normal stuff
like everybody else?
Hey, Tobe.
Oh, hey, Amanda.
- Is that your little brother?
- No!
Are you babysitting like me? Cool.
See you at graduation.
Okay, bye-bye.
Hi, Mr. Hulbert.
Can I stay here a while?
My mom says I still need
adult supervision.
Yeah yeah, sure. I'll supervise you.
- Here, get me another beer.
- Sure.
Pop Pop, it's the middle of the day.
I know.
My pants don't seem to fit me anymore.
What, do you want me to be
uncomfortable?
You get more crap all the time.
- Is it worth any money?
- Not yet.
- Go home, Kenny.
- What are you watching?
I traded tapes with a guy in LA.
Got some old Vitaphone shorts
for my collection.
- Now go home.
- I want to watch.
Just tell me when the gross stuff
is gonna happen.
Everything today is just shot on video,
strippers on Prozac junk.
Hands Solo, I presume.
Consarnit, can't a fella get
There's no time for that.
We need your help.
Who's we?
I'm Princess Layme.
And my companion is Dork Fudgepacker.
Hey.
The star of this movie is Monica Velour.
I have almost all of her movies.
She was the most respected,
biggest, classic X film star.
by the Muff Star's tractor beam.
Cocktroopers. Get down.
Look at her.
She's sweet, beautiful,
totally sexy, confident.
You're crazy. This movie sucks.
You know dick.
Now go home.
There's a gross part coming up.
Bye, Tobe.
It's been said that the future
belongs to the young.
And to that I have only one response:
God help us all.
But seriously, before you the young
can have the future, you'll have
to spend the next 20 or so years
working for us the old.
Because you're not ready
for the keys to life's car just yet.
Here we go, nice smile.
Great. Let's get some picture
with your friends.
Um...
Smile, please.
The button's on top.
Can we go now?
No no, one more. One more.
Oh, look. Look at the bear.
You stand here.
Great.
This will make a great holiday picture.
Well, it clicked. It did something.
That's it. That's it.
That's it. Huh? Good.
Empty.
Oh, sorry, dude.
Hurry up. On my God.
Chug chug chug chug chug.
- Hey, Perbert.
What are you guys looking at?
Live from Amanda Pak's,
it's Saturday night.
Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Cadillac of vibrators.
No batteries, you just plug it in.
Annie Sprinkle's all-time favorite.
Russ Meyer?
- No way.
- Yeah way.
People who jerk off to porn
are just creepy.
Well, she's not gonna get laid
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Citation
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"Meet Monica Velour" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 22 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/meet_monica_velour_13585>.