Meet Monica Velour

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MEET MONICA VELOUR

There you go.

That's mine.

Hey, Tobe!

Oh my God.

Stay right here. Excuse me.

Stare much?

- Hey, Kenny.

- Hey. Can I have a taco dog?

- Yeah, is that it?

- And a button buster.

There you go.

Is that your girlfriend?

Not that you'd understand,

but Amanda Pak is so hopelessly dorky

that even a dateless wonder like myself

has to draw the line somewhere.

Uh-huh.

$4.50, home slice.

My dad says he'll pay you

if you give me a receipt.

He's gonna start deducting me

from his taxes.

I think you and your dad

deserve each other.

He also told me to ask you

for a ride home when you're done.

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly

I've got to love one man till I die

So I can't help

Loving that man of mine

Diddley-doot-doo-doot-doo...

- This is gay.

- No, classic.

It stood the test of time.

The coolest cars, the '50s.

The best movies, the '70s.

The best songs, the '30s.

The golden age of American songwriting.

More like olden age.

Why can't you like normal stuff

like everybody else?

Hey, Tobe.

Oh, hey, Amanda.

- Is that your little brother?

- No!

Are you babysitting like me? Cool.

See you at graduation.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hi, Mr. Hulbert.

Can I stay here a while?

My mom says I still need

adult supervision.

Yeah yeah, sure. I'll supervise you.

- Here, get me another beer.

- Sure.

Pop Pop, it's the middle of the day.

I know.

My pants don't seem to fit me anymore.

What, do you want me to be

uncomfortable?

You get more crap all the time.

- Is it worth any money?

- Not yet.

- Go home, Kenny.

- What are you watching?

I traded tapes with a guy in LA.

Got some old Vitaphone shorts

and a Monica Velour movie

for my collection.

- Now go home.

- I want to watch.

Just tell me when the gross stuff

is gonna happen.

This movie is totally rare.

Everything today is just shot on video,

strippers on Prozac junk.

Hands Solo, I presume.

Consarnit, can't a fella get

any privacy around here?

There's no time for that.

We need your help.

Who's we?

I'm Princess Layme.

And my companion is Dork Fudgepacker.

Hey.

The star of this movie is Monica Velour.

I have almost all of her movies.

She was the most respected,

biggest, classic X film star.

We're being pulled in

by the Muff Star's tractor beam.

Cocktroopers. Get down.

Look at her.

She's sweet, beautiful,

totally sexy, confident.

You're crazy. This movie sucks.

You know dick.

Now go home.

There's a gross part coming up.

Bye, Tobe.

It's been said that the future

belongs to the young.

And to that I have only one response:

God help us all.

But seriously, before you the young

can have the future, you'll have

to spend the next 20 or so years

working for us the old.

Because you're not ready

for the keys to life's car just yet.

Here we go, nice smile.

Great. Let's get some picture

with your friends.

Um...

Smile, please.

The button's on top.

I know where the button is.

Can we go now?

No no, one more. One more.

Oh, look. Look at the bear.

You stand here.

Great.

This will make a great holiday picture.

Well, it clicked. It did something.

That's it. That's it.

That's it. Huh? Good.

Empty.

Oh, sorry, dude.

Hurry up. On my God.

Chug chug chug chug chug.

- Hey, Perbert.

- Even Perbert wants a peek.

What are you guys looking at?

Live from Amanda Pak's,

it's Saturday night.

Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Cadillac of vibrators.

No batteries, you just plug it in.

Annie Sprinkle's all-time favorite.

Russ Meyer?

- No way.

- Yeah way.

People who jerk off to porn

are just creepy.

Well, she's not gonna get laid

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