Me Myself And Irene

Synopsis: A nice-guy cop with Dissociative Identity Disorder must protect a woman on the run from a corrupt ex-boyfriend and his associates.
Genre: Comedy
Year:
2000
233 Views


(drumroll) (rousing orchestral fanfare playing)

(fanfare ends)

♪♪ I got a star on my car and one on my chest ♪♪ ♪♪ A gun on my hip and the right to arrest ♪♪♪

♪♪ I'm the guy who's the boss on this highway ♪♪♪ ♪♪ So watch out what you're doin' when you're drivin' my way ♪♪♪

♪♪ If you break the law you'll hear from me I know ♪♪♪ ♪♪ I'm working for the state I'm the highway patrol ♪♪♪

♪♪ Well, you know me when you see me 'cause my door's painted white ♪♪ ♪♪ My siren a-screamin' and my flashin' red light ♪♪♪

♪♪ I work all day and I work all night ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Just to keep the law and order tryin' to do what's right ♪♪♪

♪ If I write you out a ticket ♪ ♪♪ Then you better drive slow ♪♪♪ ♪♪ I'm just a-doin' my job I'm the highway patrol ♪♪♪

♪♪ I'm the highway patrol ♪♪ ♪♪ The highway patrol ♪♪♪ ♪♪ My hours are long and my pay is low ♪♪♪

♪♪ But I'll do my best to keep you drivin' slow ♪♪♪ ♪♪ I'm just a-doin' my job I'm the highway patrol ♪♪♪

MALE NARRATOR:
Meet Charlie-- helpful dad, upstanding citizen... and an 18-year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land:

CHARLIE:
♪♪ (whistling) ♪♪ the Rhode Island State Police.

That's Charlie's home-- modest, like the man. Even though he lived on the water,

Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer... which will come into play a little later in our story.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. You know, maybe it's best if we just go back and begin at the beginning.

As a young man, Charlie had the world by its bootstraps. He was the best young trooper on the force...

and was dating the prettiest and smartest gal in town. Her name was Layla, just like the melody.

Mmm, Charlie. You have no idea how much I love you.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, will you stay with me no matter what? Of course, Charlie.

Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic, and you could never come home, and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life?

Would you still stay with me? Yeah, I'd stay.

But I hope that never happens. Yeah, me too. (cheering)

MALE NARRATOR:
Well, by springtime, they had made it official. Boy, let me tell you, that was some wedding.

It was presided over by Father Ken Gumbert, and half the Rhode Island State Police force was in attendance.

Congratulations, Charlie. Thank you, Captain.

(engine starting) (cheering)

(laughing) Ooh! All right.

Look what I got. Ooh! Whoo. Here we go.

Ah.

Oh, um, excuse me. Do you people take checks?

Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean, a black man? No, no, no, no, no. God, no. Your company.

Don't give me that backtracking bull. That was a racist slur! No, it wasn't, really. I-I would never--

Tell you what! I'll make it real easy for you. Why don't you just pay me in cotton or a cartload of watermelons?

Or how's about a couple of them buckets of fried chicken? 'Cause you know how we black people, we just love fried chicken, Mr. Charlie.

Hey, no, come on now. Settle down. What's going on? This cat don't believe a black cat knows how to cash a check. Ain't that about a b*tch!

Charlie, I don't wanna ever hear you use the "N" word in this house. What? I-- I never said anything remotely racist.

Oh, so it's the little people thing then? No! You think just 'cause I'm small, you can just push me around?

Well, come on, my friend, let's boogie. I'm gonna give you a little lesson in low center of gravity. What?

(grunting) Hey, whoa, hey, stop it! Hey! Cut it-- Stop it now. Sir!

Don't patronize me with that "sir" crap. Whoa, hey, those are illegal. (gasping)

Stop. Oh, God! Ow!

Oh, it's on now! It's on. Charlie! (groaning)

Charlie, don't hit him! (screaming) Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, stop it! Charlie, stop it!

Charlie, Charlie. Hey, hey, hey, just let me handle this. Stop it! Excuse me, Mister, um, "Jackson"--

Uh-- Oh, stop it! What-What-What is your first name? It's Shonte. (growling)

Shonte, I'm-- I am-- I am so, so sorry. I apologize.

Oh, come on, here. Let me walk you to your car. I just don't have the patience for people who judge books by their cover.

And you shouldn't have to. Treating me like a dumb b*tch. I mean, who does he think he's talking to?

I'm a tenured professor of molecular genetics over at Brown, and I'm head of the Boston chapter of MENSA. You're kidding?

No. I'm just driving this limo as a sociological experiment, that's it.

But MENSA? I'm president of the Providence chapter. No kidding.

(chuckling)

MALE NARRATOR:
Just when Charlie thought life couldn't get any sweeter, old Mr. Stork dropped in to pay him and Layla a visit.

(groaning and screaming) It's a boy!

Wow! He's so-- Wow!

(panting) Huh? What? (screaming) Whoa, oh, my God, we're in luck. He's got company!

(both screaming) DOCTOR: Push! Push! MALE NARRATOR: Charlie loved those boys so much,

he just couldn't face the truth. And so he went on with his life, as if everything was normal.

(party chatter) (music plays) Hey, Finneran. Hey, buddy.

Hey! Hope you brought your appetite with ya. Oh, I did. Ahh! Charlie, your kids look great.

Yeah, don't they? Thanks. Uh-huh.

Charlie, (kids playfully scream) Just between you and me, did you ever notice that your kids have sort of a year-round tan?

Yeah, well, uh, my great grandmother's half Italian. Half Italian?

Oh, yeah. Well, that's probably why the water beads off their hair, huh?

(sighs) Yeah, so? I mean, a lot of people have different kind of hair. Oh, yeah.

I mean, what are you-- what are you-- what are you getting at? No, no, I'm just saying is-- You know--

Come on, Charlie, get with it! Those kids, they're bigger than them sausages. Knock it off, Finneran. Those are my children you're talking about.

Since you brought it up, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Finneran! Get over here. It's your turn.

Charlie, don't mind me. It's j-just the beer talking, you know? Whoo!

Hmm. Sure.

CHARLIE:
There's something powerful bubbling up inside me, Father.

And I'm afraid that someday,

if I don't do something, I'm gonna explode.

PRIEST:
Where does this rage come from, my son? I don't know. It's a lot of things, really.

Take my wife, for example. I love her like no other, but part of me suspects that she may be having an affair.

And I'm-I'm probably just being paranoid here, but I get the feeling...

that the entire town is laughing at me behind my back.

PRIEST:
Charlie, that you? MALE NARRATOR: Eventually, Charlie's worst fears were realized.

I'm so sorry, Charlie. Really, I am.

But I have to do this. I found my soul mate.

But... (exhales) I thought I was your soul mate. Tsk. Oh.

Come on, legs. Let's roll, baby. I don't know what to say.

I guess the heart just wants what the heart wants.

Bye, Charlie. But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

Oh, she'll be eating blubber, all right, just as soon as I free willy.

(groaning) (engine starts)

MALE NARRATOR:
It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby.

Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower. But Charlie Baileygates didn't seem to react at all.

He just swallowed hard, felt that slab of heartache slide over the lump in this throat,

and he locked it all away.

As you can imagine, it wasn't easy... for little Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Junior...

growing up without a mom, but Charlie made that little house into a big old home, and the boys flourished.

Let me tell you, they were smart ones. -What are you buildin', fellas? -An airplane, Daddy.

(motor cycle engine turns over) (imitates engine) -(laughing) -Bye-bye!

ALL:
Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work!

♪♪ Where he can't hide ♪♪ ♪♪ From himself. Where he can't hide ♪♪ No. No!

Hey! Stop it! Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble! Get off that!

Don't you take off in that! (on TV) ♪ How many seas must a white dove sail ♪ Shonte Junior,

how can you keep eatin' that crap and never gain weight? I don't know. Just lucky, I guess. (chuckles)

♪ How many times ♪♪ ♪ Must the cannonballs fly ♪ Do you believe his voice? That's Gomer Pyle!

Before they're forever banned ♪♪ ♪ The answer, my friend ♪ Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor on H.B.O.?

♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪ Richard Pryor? Please. Okay.

RICHARD PRYOR (on TV): In Africa, though, I go out in the country. Whoo! You see some lions and [...]. I'm talkin' about real lions,

not them kind you be [...] with in the zoo. You [...] with the lions, "Hey, lion!"

Be throwin' [...] at it. Lion be, "Hey, hey!" MALE NARRATOR: As they have a way of doing, the years passed somewhat regularly.

And the boys, well, they came into their own.

CHRIS ROCK (on TV): ...is make her toss my salad! The guy's like, "Toss my salad? W-Well, what's that?"

Yeah, well, having your salad tossed... means having your ass tossed with jelly or syrup.

I prefer syrup. He's a funny mamma jamma.

MALE NARRATOR:
Although Charlie's police work had started to suffer, the kids were doing great.

Damn! I can't figure out the atomic mass of this monkey fetus.

Shoot, man, that stuff's simple. Look. Tell me this, tell me this. What, what?

What's a deuteron made up of? Duh, a proton and a neutron. Then what's this cotton-pickin' electron doin' right there?

I don't know. Well, get it outta there then! Okay, so you sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right?

Mm-hmm. I sees that, but what do I do with the gosh darn electron? Can I bring it over here? Enrico Fermi would roll over in his cotton-pickin' grave if he heard that stupid stuff.

I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a [...] Man, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog. Look here, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right?

He keep askin' questions like that, mamma jammas is gonna think he's stupid. I ain't stupid. Mornin', fellas.

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Pops, how you doin', man? What's all the commotion down here? Just school stuff and stuff.

How's my little guy doin'? Strugglin'. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus. Oh, that'd be whack.

Man, he so dumb, he think calculus is a Roman emperor. Give it up, dog. Well, you think polypeptide's a mamma jamma toothpaste.

Oh, I gotta get outta here. I don't want to have to bust a cap. Kisses.

Mm, Daddy. See ya later. Love ya! All right.

MALE NARRATOR:
Yeah, Charlie was gettin' a lot of respect inside the house, but outside, well, that was another story.

Mornin', Ed. Charlie.

Say, Ed, did you see where my paper went today? Uh, the wife's got it in the crapper.

Well, could you tell her to throw it on the porch when she's done? Can't you get one at work?

Yeah, I... suppose I could. You betcha.

♪♪ I'd like that ♪♪ ♪♪ If we could cycle down some lane ♪♪♪

♪♪ I'd like that ♪♪♪ ♪♪ If we could ride into the rain ♪♪♪

♪♪ No mess getting wet ♪♪♪ ♪♪ I'd be your Albert ♪♪♪

♪♪ If you'd be Victoria ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Ha, ha we'd laugh because ♪♪♪

♪♪ Each drop would make me grow up really high ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Really high like a really high thing say a sunflower ♪♪♪

Hey, Charlie. Hey, George, Herb. Hi, Charlie. How do, fellas?

-Hi, Charlie. -Listen, Dick, I was-- Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one.

Whoa! Oh, yeah, that's what daddy likes. It looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.

-Yeah, a couple of Hindenburgs, huh? -Oh, the humanity! Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.

(laughing) "She's a mom."

She's not my mom! She's a yummy mom.

You kill me! "She's a mom."

Sure, that is good. Oh.

Listen, uh, Dick, I'm sorry, uh, to bother you like this, but, uh, uh, your-your-your car is gonna have to be moved.

(chuckling) Yeah, sure, Charlie, okay. I should be done here in another ten or fifteen minutes.

You know, I hate to be a stickler, Dick, but, uh, the law states that you can't park in one place for more than an hour,

and you've been there for-- goin' on three days now.

All right, all right, the law's the law. Park it behind the grocery store, will ya, Charlie?

Yeah, sure. This one? MALE NARRATOR: There's an old saying:

An ostrich with his head in the sand makes a lousy cop. My fault. You see, if you can't deal with your own problems,

well, it's hard to deal with others'. Sweetie. Sweetie? That's kind of dangerous.

You wanna move it up onto the sidewalk, away from the traffic? My dad says you're a joke, and I don't have to listen to you.

(sighs) Well, your father is entitled to his opinion,

but I am an officer of the law, and, uh, by all rights, I-- -Get lost! -You should watch your mouth, little girl.

(screaming)

WOMAN IN STORE:
Thank you, have a nice day. Excuse me. Charlie! Hey! Hey.

You mind if I get ahead of you? I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay? Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead. You're a doll. Aw. Hey, kids, over here! Now!

Didn't I tell you to stay with me? Stop! Put those down! ♪ (drums beat) ♪♪

♪♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah we're gonna rock you ♪♪

(groaning)

(exhales) -♪♪ (music suddenly stops) ♪♪ -(general store chatter)

(husky voice) "VagiClean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?

-Excuse me. -No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.

Price check on VagiClean, aisle five. (over PA) I repeat. Price check on VagiClean, aisle five. That's VagiClean.

We got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread, and I think it's sourdough. (inhales)

(gasps) Put a rush on that. (muffled screaming)

Still wanna skip rope on the street? I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie! Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, butt face.

♪ (continues whistling) ♪♪ ♪♪ And I'm ♪♪♪

♪♪ The hem of your garment ♪♪ ♪♪ (whistling) ♪♪♪ ♪♪ And no, no ♪♪ ♪♪ I'm not fit to touch ♪♪

♪♪ The hem of your garment ♪♪♪ (baby crying) (gasps)

-MAN:
Whoa! -(tires screeching) -AH! -(tires screeching)

(screaming)

There you go, Dick. I parked it for ya. By the way,

you got a headlight out.

♪♪ Yeah ♪♪ ♪♪ Oh, no ♪♪♪

♪♪ All right ♪♪♪

(woman screams)

(grunting) (grunting continues)

Mm-mm, that looks good. Here you go, Colonel. Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.

Colonel, we got a problem. There's something wrong with Charlie. DISPATCHER (over walkie): One-X to 112. 112 responding.

MALE NARRATOR:
Of course, there's not much about this sort of thing... in the Rhode Island State Police manual,

so they sent him up to Boston to see a team of highly trained head doctors. They quickly identified the problem.

You got a major screw loose. Huh? Doctors have diagnosed you as having a split personality. A schizo.

I-I don't remember any of this. That's because... according to that report, it wasn't you that this was happening to.

It was this other guy. Hank. Huh? He said his name was Hank. -And apparently Hank is trying to get out. -Trying to get out?

What do you mean, "get out"? How did he get in? You created him. By not dealing with your problems, Charlie.

(inhales deeply) Ever since, uh-- (stammering) Well, you know, you've been avoiding confrontation.

But this guy inside-- he doesn't. Hank. Doctors feel that, uh, you've created this character out of necessity.

You never stick up for yourself. (sighs) Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?

Why would I? You know? I mean, wives leave their husbands every day in this country.

There's no reason to shortchange the department. I mean, it's not like I had the flu. (crying)

(sniffling, crying) Have you picked up your medication, Charlie?

(crying continues) Mm-hmm.

I'm really not crazy about it, though. (clears throat) You know, it makes me so dry.

You have to take it anyway. Dr. Rabinowitz assures us... that if you do, everything'll be fine. WOMAN (outside office): This is a bunch of crap!

No wonder you're the smallest state. Little mind, little state. It shouldn't even be a state. It should be the District of Rhode Island.

Whatever you say. Can you take these gosh darn things off, please? And could you stop looking at my ass?

Pritchard, what-- what's going on out here? Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, Irene P. I pulled her over on 95 for a broken taillight. I ran a check.

She's got an outstanding warrant in upstate New York. Hit and run? Hit and run. Injured pedestrian signed a complaint.

Oh, well, I think I might remember that. That is ridiculous. I've never been in an accident. Not in my whole life.

Well, I've just gotten off the phone with the New York State Patrol. They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.

Look, ju-- How can we fix-- Were you in Massena, New York, last Friday, second of May? Well, yeah, I live there, but I didn't have any accident.

Look, I'm just driving down to Block Island to see my sister. You seem like a nice guy. Is there any way you might let me handle this by mail?

Unfortunately, Miss Waters, I'm not the one you have to convince. If there's been a mistake, you have to clear it up in Massena.

What? Okay, wait. You-- Because of somebody else's mistake, I have to get in my car...

and drive all the way back to upstate New York?

No, ma'am. We'll have one of our troopers escort you.

(phone ringing) Hey, Hollywood, turn your phone off. Yeah? IRENE (over phone): You're an ass. Oh, hello, Irene. What did I do now?

Listen, I'm sitting at a police station somewhere in Rhode Island, and they're shipping me back to Massena on some bogus crap.

Sound familiar? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. I don't have a clue what you're talking about. Dickie! Cut the baloney! (deep sigh)

Listen to me, okay? It's over, Dickie. It's over. So please just stop messing with me...

and call your friends and tell them to back off, okay? Look, I'm being a straight shooter here.

If you need help, I'll help you. Just give me all the details. I'll get to the bottom of it. All right?

Massena, New York? Man, damn, Daddy, that's damn near Canada. I know, I know. It wasn't my idea.

I gotta take this gal up north, and then the colonel ordered me to take a week's vacation. Why a week? Man, that's a long mamma jamma time.

Well, he wants me to rest while I'm getting used to the medication. Aw, come on, you don't have to worry about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.

(country club jazz music plays) Now who the hell's this Irene honey, anyway?

She worked for me the past couple years. I hired her to be my golf course superintendent.

We got close. No, you got stupid.

These are the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie. And me too. How much does she know? She might have gotten wind of some things.

Yeah, well, we're gonna find out. The complaint was signed by a guy named Peterson.

He's with the E.P.A. E.P.A.? I thought they were in our pocket.

Well, not all of 'em. MALE NARRATOR: Well, even though Charlie... didn't wholeheartedly agree with the top brass,

he did as he was told. Careful on the road, Charlie. Okay, Colonel.

Hang on, ma'am. Yeah. (engine turns over)

This vacation is just what Charlie needs. I bet he's a new man when he gets back.

If we let him back. What do you mean?

Well, I mean that he's become a pretty big liability. We may have to let him go.

Let him go? But-But, Captain, police work is Charlie's whole li-- I know, I know, damn it. I know.

♪♪ I found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin' ♪♪♪

It's a great time of year to ride, long as you don't mind one or two bugs.

♪♪ I laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing ♪♪ ♪♪ I hadn't been trying yeah ♪♪♪

♪♪ The train came in breathless the passengers restless ♪♪ ♪♪ She said baby you'll never change ♪♪♪

♪♪ You gotta get gone you gotta get goin' ♪♪♪ ♪♪ The world ain't slowin' down for no one ♪♪♪

♪♪ It's a carnival callin' out to you ♪♪♪

♪♪ It sounds like a song it hits you like scripture ♪♪ Boy, you can't beat the open road!

(insect buzzing) ♪♪ Weren't you the kid who just climbed on the merry-go-round ♪♪♪

♪♪ Hey look the world ain't slowin' down ♪♪♪

♪♪ Hey, hey ♪♪ IRENE: Oh, no! CHARLIE: Oh, my goodness. Geez.

(sighs) Those damn truckers. You know, you'd think they'd call someone to come clean this up.

IRENE:
Poor thing. Oh, that's terrible. Whew. Whoa. Ew.

By the looks of her, she's been here for a while. Well, I doubt we're gonna be able to move her, but we should try.

You wanna get that end? Just give it a little push? Really? Yeah, yeah, we should give it a shot.

Okay? Go ahead. Okay. Just-Just push as hard as you can. Yeah, okay.

-(grunting) -(mooing) Jesus! Whoa! Oh! Okay, you just-- Oh, it's still alive.

Just stand back. I'll take care of it. God, that's terrible. Oh. Now, don't-don't look, okay? Yeah.

(sighs) Well, old girl, (sighs) Your suffering's over.

(birds squawk) (sighs) MALE NARRATOR: Oh, it ain't always easy doing Mother Nature's work.

(mooing) IRENE:
(screams) Oh, J-- (grunts) (gunshots)

(breathes deeply) Oh. Do you believe that?

No, it's--Uch. (mooing) Oh, my God in heaven! IRENE: (groaning)

Oh, God! (groaning) God! What the hell is wrong with you?

Die! (mooing) Let go! Let go, girl!

On to greener pastures. Come on. (mooing) They're clear-cutting a place in heaven for you. (grunting)

Come on! Help me out! Do something! But-- I don't-- (stammering) Let go!

Let it go! Go! (cow gurgling) (gasps and sighs)

(panting) IRENE:
Oh! (panting)

Well, that was tough,

but I think we did the right thing.

Patrol car, yes. Okay, thank you. Can I help you? Yes, I'm officer Baileygates, Rhode Island State Police.

I have, uh, your prisoner, Miss Irene Waters here. All right. I'll tell them you're here. Okay-dee, ray-dee.

(phone ringing) (office chatter)

♪ (Charlie whistling) ♪ -What are those for? -Huh?

Oh, it's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel funny. No big deal.

-What's it called? -(exhales) Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Ah. IRENE:
Does your ass feel numb?

No, but they give me unbelievable cotton mouth.

-I meant from the ride. -Oh, no, no. Over the years, my ass has taken a pounding.

Miss Waters, my name is Peterson. This is my partner, Agent Boshane. We're with the Environmental Protection Agency's Special Investigations.

The E.P.A.? Yeah. What'd I hit? A bald-headed eagle? Well, we'll explain that to you, ma'am,

but right now, we're gonna ask you to come along with us. Well, why don't you just explain it to me now? Well, ma'am,

we put your hit-and-run report out on the wire in order to track you down.

IRENE:
Track me down for what? LIEUTENANT GERKE: Agent Boshane?

I want to remind you again, our station's at your disposal. You're more than welcome to use any of our interrogation rooms.

We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke, but we're all set. All right. Well, if there's anything at all I c--

(muffled) Uh, excuse me. I'm just gonna get myself a drink of water.

(water gurgles) (slurping)

Ahh! So if I could, uh, (clears throat) just get someone to sign this, I'll be on my way.

Yeah. Well, Miss Waters, uh, good luck.

And I hope everything works out great for you. Thanks a lot, Charlie.

I haven't done anything wrong, and you know it. What about the marijuana roaches you left behind when you moved out of your apartment?

So I smoked some pot. What is that, a crime? Uh-huh.

As is being an accessory to bribery, embezzlement, tax evasion and racketeering. -What are you talking about? -Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell?

His company, Cedar Creek Limited, has been under a sealed grand jury investigation for 18 months.

How does that make me an accessory? I laid some sod on Dickie's golf course. So? Tell me this-- a big operation like the Cedar Creek Country Club--

How'd you get the job as the head greens keeper? By default. This guy, Tedeschi or Tedescho,

he was hired before me, but he died. Heart problem or something.

MALE NARRATOR:
The feds believed that Irene knew... more than she thought she knew, and her life was in danger.

They explained that everything had been happening right under her nose. Payoffs of government agencies, threats towards those who stood in the way--

and her predecessor's heart attack? Well, that was just cold-blooded murder.

Oh, man.

Can you excuse me? (door opens and closes) (knocking at front door)

Pizza kid. How much? Uh, that comes to 13.95.

(grunts) OH. (thud to ground) (grunts, groans)

(grunts)

Oh, son of a b*tch!

(car tires screech in gravel) (panting)

MALE NARRATOR:
Well, it was a good thing Charlie had told her... he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.

Charlie? Irene finagled a key from the front desk and let herself in.

Charlie. (snoring)

-Charlie, what's going on here? -Hmm? Irene? Oh! Oh, uh, uh-- (chuckling)

Irene, I was just, um-- I was gonna, um, study your file... and, uh, try to find a loophole.

Did your lips get as chapped as mine on the ride down? Never mind! I need your help.

There was a shootout down at the thing, and the agents are dead. -Dead? -Yeah, they were after me, Charlie.

Oh, God. See, this is Dickie's work. I know it.

-So what are you gonna do? -We'll call the police. What? No, you can't do that.

Dickie has those guys in his back pocket. That's why I came to you. How-- Wha-- How do you-- Oh!

Hey, this is serious stuff! You don't-- (sighs) I'm outta here.

Hey, wait. No, don't do that! Come on, hold on! Just let me think for a second, okay? Think someplace else, Charlie. This is the first place they're gonna look.

Damn it!

So where are we going, anyway? You'll see!

MALE NARRATOR:
Well, they went on the lam for a bit, and then Charlie made a couple of phone calls. (barking)

Irene, take it easy now. Charlie? Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Hey.

Good work, Baileygates. Thanks. I'm sorry I had to meet you all the way out here.

No, that's okay. It's just as well. Poor gal's a little paranoid. My kids are like that. Somewhere along the line, they just get this idea that the cops are the bad guys--

(grunting, gasping)

Listen, I don't know what's going on, and I didn't tell the feds anything. Dickie told me you were street smart, huh?

Why the hell would you run back to this idiot? ♪♪ (drums) ♪♪♪

Drop the gun, moron. You're being videotaped.

-What are you talkin' about? -There's a camera on my bike. -(Irene screams) -Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?

(yells) (grunts)

(panting) Score. Good move. Get in the car.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

IRENE:
Would you mind telling me what the hell you were thinking back there? Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tweak the high end of your emotional E.Q., sweetbeak.

The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.

♪♪ (tango music plays) ♪♪♪ (snarls)

MALE NARRATOR:
As you can imagine, there was some explaining to do. So, Hank, (clears throat) as he called himself,

found a quiet spot and spelled out the whole darn mess. Okay, so what you're saying is that you're not Charlie.

Come on, you've seen Charlie in action. The guy's like origami. He folds under pressure. When the big game's on the line, he's busy ridin' the pine.

Okay, wait, wait. Can you just--

(exhales) It's simple. Charlie's the mouse that got you into the maze.

I'm the rat who knows how to find the cheese. The name's Hank-- Hank Evans.

♪ For little girls ♪ So it's true. Charlie is a schizo. I wouldn't know.

I stay outta his business, he stays outta mine. Look.

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone. I feel your fear.

It's comin' through like static on my heart radio. Hank? Hank.

I really, really appreciate your help, but is there any way that maybe we could get...

Charlie back out here for a little huddle? No problem.

While you're at it, climb that pole over there and take a piss on the power lines. Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life.

But if I'm gonna do that, I'll need total "uninanonynymity."

Okay. Sound good, candypants? Hank, don't call me that.

Vince Foster was murdered! I told you! Oh, man! Will you quit hackin' into them damn Pentagon files, man?

Ain't no nevermind who them crooked politicians be killin'. You need to just do your damn studyin'. Man, what did Daddy tell you about snoopin', huh? Yeah, man.

You keep foolin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with them damn sling-blade mamma jammas.

(laughing) Shoot, my friend, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke gettin' a 1430 on your S.A.T.

-Mamma jamma, you know I had the flu. -The flu, my ass. You had a mamma jamma aneurysm gettin' a 1430.

Aneurysm? Man, you talkin' some smack now. (knocking) Now you see, man? That's probably one of them Ivy League sumbitches now.

Get your big-ass head up and get the door, man. Get the door. Don't fool with my stuff. Get outta the way. Gimme some of them chips.

(laughing) Hey, Captain. This is Agent Anicelli. Gentlemen.

What's happenin', Captain? We've got a problem. Pack your bags.

We're locked and loaded. Great. Got enough stuff to hold us over for 72 hours. (men laughing in distance)

♪♪ (drums) ♪♪

♪♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah we're gonna rock you ♪♪

Hey, ringworm. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, you toxic waste of life.

You gonna pick up that butt? Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.

Oh, yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.

Let's dance.

(electric jolt) Hey, hey! (gasping) Let's kick the snot outta this idiot.

Wait, wait. Wait! He's a schizo! BASEBALL PLAYER: What the hell's wrong with him?

What happened, anyway? MALE NARRATOR: Yeah, Charlie was taking a few lumps on account of Hank's behavior.

But, save for a little blood in the urine, he was no worse for the wear.

I'm sorry you had to meet Hank, Miss Waters. I thought I was bad. That guy has some serious problems.

He did save our lives. Anyway, Hank had a pretty good idea.

He thinks that maybe-- Oh, and you're gonna listen to Hank? Come on! Look what he did to me. I mean, what are you thinkin'?

He's out of control, this guy. You know what I think we should do?

I think we should find another department and tell them the whole story. Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far Dickie's reach goes.

Well, then, you know what? I think it's time to call the best damn law enforcement agency in the country:

the Rhode Island State Troopers! Do you really think the feds don't have some guy up there right now bugging calls?

They'd be on us in ten minutes. And they're the ones that almost got me killed in the first place.

Okay. What was the genius's big plan? He thinks that we should find a cabin and hide out for a while.

Oh, yeah? What about water? What about food? He already got supplies. They're in the trunk.

These are the supplies? Mm-hmm.

Well, he had a plan, all right. (sucking sound) That's it? That's all he got?

Oh, no, there's more. A rope, a shovel,

bag of lime and some lawn darts.

This is Christine DiCarlo reporting live from Clinton County, New York, where the manhunt continues for crazed Rhode Island State Trooper, Charlie Baileygates.

...responsible for the shooting death of an E.P.A. agent... and the kidnapping of one Irene P. Waters. That's impossible!

My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as hell ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass b*tch! Your dad's sick, mentally. He's had some sort of breakdown. That's what we understand.

The important thing is we find him, so nobody else gets hurt, himself included. Come on, man, nobody's gonna get hurt.

Hell, yeah. Our daddy wouldn't hurt a mamma jamma fly, man. No, he goes after bigger game.

We just got a report he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive.

Okay, look, let's say he does have a problem-- which he don't. He's been taking pills to get rid of it, anyway. He left his pills in the hotel.

Damn. That's where he left his sanity. I've seen it firsthand. The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.

L-L-Look. One thing I don't understand, Lieutenant.

If my daddy's such a dangerous man, why'd you go by yourself, huh? Yeah, who are you, Sergeant York, tryin' to take on the Germans your damn self?

Your father's a police officer, and he asked me to come alone. How was I to know he's a nutcase?

Man, our daddy ain't no nutcase. He may have... advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage,

but he is a very gentle person! ♪♪ (punk rock music on radio) ♪♪♪

(radio off) Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the fuss? Tell me what's happening.

Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you had planned, okay? I saw your shovel and the lime.

Shovel and lime? (chuckles)

(laughing) (sighs) Thank you.

I haven't laughed like that in a long time. What's so funny? We're drivin' a hot carriage. So?

That stuff belongs to the bad cop. You think he was gonna take our dead bodies down to the station?

Oh.

MALE NARRATOR:
Irene decided they should go back to Rhode Island, but Hank had an idea first.

Are you sure about this? Are you kiddin'? Every oinker east of the Mississippi will be looking for this sled.

Safer to go mass transit. Ready? On nine. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

♪♪ I can't keep up with you no more ♪♪♪ ♪♪ And you treat me like it's a sin ♪♪♪

♪♪ For you to let me in ♪♪♪ Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.

Thanks for the kudos. Sure. Glad we're finally on the same page. Me too.

Whoa! You okay? Yes, I'm fine.

(sighs) Thought you were goin' over the edge. Thank you.

-You know, I think you're a very special unit. -That's sweet. I hope we can get to know each other better.

Yeah, me too. Do you swallow? (slap) (exhales)

I get it. We'll go slow.

Hey! Yes? You didn't happen to pick up a wallet on the dash, did ya?

You're kidding, right? (exhales)

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where you from? Oh, all over.

Omnipresence. I like that in a woman. I'm originally from Texas. Middle-class neighborhood.

But after high school, I moved to New York, 'cause I had this thing-- Let me guess. Everybody in town told you you were easy on the eyes,

so you decided to become a supermodel. When you got to the Big Apple, they treated you like the worm. So you packed on a few pounds and started calling yourself an actress.

Uh, no. Shh! Unfortunately, you can't get far without talent, and after a while the only bright lights you saw were the ones...

that hit you in the face when you opened the fridge. That's when you got a boob job, started hanging around on the Upper East Side,

looking for a rich, old man with a bum ticker... and waved a white flag in the face of your own self-loathing.

How's my aim? I never went to New York City. I went upstate to Cornell. And then I got my master's in turf management at U-Mass.

And then I became a golf course superintendent. And these, believe it or not, are all mine.

I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder. -I don't have an eating disorder. -Whatever you say, slim.

Whoa! Hands off, Hank. ♪ (calliope music plays) ♪

Hey! Mom! (growling) That's real nice, Hank. Way to keep a low profile.

It's survival at this point. Hey, I know how to score some dough. Punch me.

-What? -Punch me in the face. Why? I'll flag the big cheese, tell him I got rolled in the parking lot.

He'll hush me up with a couple of Benjamins. They don't need that kind of ink on Sugar Mountain. Come on, rip my head off.

That's really lame, Hank. Well, you have a better idea? Come on. It's not gonna work. Yes, it is gonna work, but you gotta rock me.

Don't give me one of those girly "I don't wanna break a fingernail" love taps. This guy's gotta look at my face and just--

(grunting, yelling) MALE NARRATOR: Well, the kick in the chops didn't work out as planned,

and it just left Charlie a little more roughed up. How's the nose feelin'? Listen to it.

(nose whistling) I'm really sorry, Charlie. I'll get over it.

I mean, you should be furious. I just drop-kicked you right in the face. Hey, it happens. (nose continues to whistle)

(grunts) You got a great way of looking at life, Charlie. You know that? That's a gift.

Yeah, I don't know if my shrinks would agree. They think that's my problem. What? Oh, that I purposely distort my perceptions...

to make my reality more palatable. (nose whistling) Oh, like you only hear what you wanna hear?

Thanks. I like to keep it short, especially in the summer.

How come I couldn't have ended up with an easygoing guy like you, Charlie, huh?

Sometimes I think there's something about my look that just attracts idiots. That's crazy. You're a very special girl, Irene. Look at you.

You're just so down to earth. I mean, look at your hair. It's like you don't give a damn, you know?

And your skin's so natural. You just let it hang out, blemishes and all. You're not afraid of your flaws. You have squinty eyes,

and your face is all pursed up like you just sucked on a lemon, but you pull it off. (weak chuckle)

(train whistle blowing)

You thinking what I'm thinking? IRENE: Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. (neck cracking) (groaning) Come on.

But I don't know if I can! Yes, you can! Humans only use ten percent of their potential.

You gotta reach down for that little extra something. (panting, nose whistling) (panting)

There you go! Now you're gettin' it! I believe in you!

Don't you give up on me now!

It's easier than I thought! Come on! Go, Charlie, go!

You can do it! Come on, Charlie! Use more of your potential!

(grunting)

Come on, Charlie! Go! Come on, jump off! Jump off! What?

What? Jump off the train!

Oh. (screams)

(nose whistling) Ow. Irene? (gasping) Come on, stop foolin' around.

(sighing, panting) I started thinking about it. Bad idea. Trains are the first place they'll look.

IRENE:
Okay, I have three dollars and a nickel. How much do you have? Uh, six bucks. Just let me go up and order so we can get out of here. Okay.

I'll have the chicken breast sandwich, no skin, dry toast. (slurping)

♪♪ You make me dizzy running circles in my head ♪♪♪ ♪♪ One of these days ♪♪♪

♪♪ I'll chase you down ♪♪♪ (nose whistling) (slurping)

♪♪ Look who's goin' crazy ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Now we're face to face my friend ♪♪♪

♪♪ Better get out better get out ♪♪♪

What are you staring at? ♪♪ You know you make me break down ♪♪♪

You want to start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event, and you're dancing on the fault line.

Hey, what is your problem, pal? I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.

-Hey, stop it! -He started it. I'm so sorry. I have to apologize for him.

He suffers from this thing-- I'm right here, four eyes. Let's go. Oh, poor baby. He has to let his daddy fight his battles for him.

(clucking) He's an ass.

(continues clucking) (bells on door chime)

P*ssy.

How's it hangin', fellas? Hank, I presume?

Did you miss me? Why don't you just send Charlie back out here? Things were finally becoming civilized. Listen, Pocahontas.

Unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo coming. Look, I don't know what that means, okay? It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan,

or old Hank's gonna have to take over Fort Charlie for good. Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?

Holy Jesus in heaven! It's a giant Q-Tip. Hank. What? I'm joking with the guy.

Bringing a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel. Do-Do you need to see a menu?

No, thank you. We've ordered. (nose whistling)

That's it. Hey, hey, hey. Hold on there. Did I miss something? Don't give me that! What you just did to that kid was terrible.

Didn't you see the look on his face?

Looked a little pale, that's all. He was hurt and offended.

Well, I disagree. But why speculate? Hey, milky, vámonos. Hey, no! No, no, no.

Hank, no. Come on, Brer Rabbit. Hop down the bunny trail. Come on. Epa, epa, ándale.

Listen, uh, were you offended in any way by our social interaction here?

Y-Yeah. Actually, I was. What was it, the Q-Tip thing?

Actually, I was pretty much offended by everything that you said, sir.

Oh. Oh.

Sorry. I'm truly sorry.

(bells on door chime) (door closes)

(folk music plays) ♪♪ He wrote on the corner of the table ♪♪

♪♪ This is the only one that you'll love ♪♪ You okay?

You don't know what it's like, spendin' all those years trapped behind a wall of politeness--

Bound and gagged. A dark and silent world where nothing grows but the anger.

All because some doll-faced demon he married... laced up her boots and did a Nancy Sinatra on him. Charlie had a wife?

(scoffs) And then some. I was a big piece of the personality pie back then.

But when she left him, Charlie went numb... and I went AWOL.

Well, if you were such a big part of the personality,

then she left you too.

(nose whistling) (sobbing) (sobbing) It's true.

(sniffling, wheezing) She left us.

I loved her. Oh. (sniffling, wheezing) Why did she do this?

I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person.

No, no. You're not a bad guy. No, you're not. Do you hear me, huh?

(panting, wheezing) You're a good person.

You really think so? Yeah, I'm starting to.

(nose whistling) You know what I'm gonna do? Hmm?

I'm gonna make it up to Charlie. And I'm gonna make it up to that sweet little circus geek in there.

Um-- Um, Hank? Hank.

Agent Boshane. Just got lucky. They were spotted leaving a health food restaurant 100 miles southeast of here. Fifteen minutes, tops. Got it, got it.

They got 150 cordoned off? Let's fly.

♪♪ I hear you are singing a song of the past ♪♪

♪♪ I see no tears ♪♪ (coughing)

Can you please tell him to stop this? Charlie, is that you?

Hey, my nose. My nose is fixed.

(chuckles) Well. Isn't that great? How did that happen?

Well, um, Hank wanted to do something nice for you... so he insisted that we, well,

(mumbling) go to a plastic surgeon. What did you say? Plastic sur-- Did you say plastic surgeon? Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. Wh-What-- Ow! What is this? What is this? What did-- Wh-- Was--

Uh, what is this? Hank thought that you kind of had a weak chin, so--

What? I like my chin. I-I-I have a--

I like my chin. It's my chin! It's my chin! Mine! How did you pay for it?

I loaned him the money. (yells) Who the hell are you?

It's me, Milky.

Who the hell is Milky, and what is he doing here?

Uh, Irene has a lot of people... who would like to see her in an unmarked grave.

And I don't think it's safe for you to be hanging around with this. Why not? You, Irene and Hank are my only friends.

But what about your family? Aren't they gonna miss you? My family's all--

(sighs) They're gone. Oh, geez.

If we're taking you with us, we can't be calling you "Milky." What's your real name? Casper, but my friends call me "Whitey."

Okay. ♪♪ (easy going music begins) ♪♪

♪♪ I can't find the time to tell you ♪♪♪

♪♪ I can't find the time to tell you ♪♪ Whoa.

♪♪ So many things to say ♪♪♪ ♪♪ I could fit them in a book ♪♪♪

♪♪ Of a thousand pages ♪♪♪ ♪♪ So many people say ♪♪

♪♪ that I couldn't tell a lie, couldn't tell a lie ♪♪♪ ♪♪ in a thousand years ♪♪ (grunting)

Here you go, Mr. Murphy. I got your car all filled up. Thank you, Joseph.

(trickling) Oh, yeah. (exhales)

You son of a b*tch! What are you doing to my car? I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna get you!

♪♪ I can't find the time to tell you ♪♪

♪♪ I look at your pretty face ♪♪ ♪♪ And I fall in love with you fall in love with you ♪♪♪

♪♪ Every time I see you there ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Nightgowns of a regal lace they are ♪♪♪

♪♪ Flowin' to the ground, flowin' to the ground in a mist around you ♪♪♪

♪♪ Baby, you're wrong ♪♪

♪♪ Baby, you're wrong ♪♪♪ What's that on your shirt? Whoa.

I'm sorry. That was good.

Charlie, what the hell is that? Oh, yeah. I'm gonna fall for that.

-No, Ch-Charlie. -Uh-uh, not me. No-- Nice try, though.

How dumb do I look?

(grunting )

Hey, they only had two rooms, 19 and 20. So you guys will have to bunk up.

So, Whitey. (sleepy grunt) What happened to your family?

I killed them. Uh-uh, come again?

When I was 15, I hacked them up with a hammer while they were sleeping-- Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.

She was awake, my sis, which I regret.

Yeah, well. We all have family stuff.

That's what makes the holidays so hard. (laughs uncomfortably) I just got released last month on my 21st birthday.

To tell you the truth, I really wasn't ready to leave, but they said I had to.

That's a foolish law, huh? Well, I guess they need the extra room...

for the real psychos. I'm gonna go next door and try to make out with what's her face.

Go for it. All right. What? Yeah. He just told me that he brutally murdered...

his entire family in their sleep. -Oh, my God. -He was a juvenile. They just let him out.

So, I was gonna ask you... if I could stay here,

but I can sleep in the car.

That's me and my whippersnappers. I'm Dorothy. (laughing) Look at you.

When did you take this, at Halloween? No, just messing around the house.

You seem like a really good dad, Charlie.

I try to be. They're incredible kids. Oh, God.

So happy and funny. They never give me any grief.

They're the top three students in their class, out of 211. Golly. I don't know where they get it from.

Well, that's just good genes.

You know, I don't think I-- No, I don't think I carry even one picture anymore.

Why not? I don't know. I used to, you know, when I was younger.

Pictures of friends and stuff like that. I guess they just got old and fell apart.

Kind of like the friendships. That's too bad.

(chuckling) Look at you. I'll tell you what. Why don't you keep that one?

No, Charlie, that's yours. Are you kidding? I have tons of them at home. No. No, I got a bunch. Come on. You do?

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

You-- Thanks.

I'm dry. (sighs)

You know, I'm gonna go get a soda. Do you want a soda? Sure. Okay.

Okay? Okay.

(banging) (scoffs)

(laughing) I caught that, bozo. Not once, but twice it burned you.

(laughing) Give it another kick. I don't think you're gonna get it this time.

♪♪ (drum) ♪♪

I think I just had an epiphany. What? That I might be able to control this little problem of mine.

Oh, how did you learn that? Well, first the Coke machine robbed me, right?

And I'm fine with that. But then, some guy came up and laughed in my face. -Oh, no. -No, no. But that's just it, see?

Just when I was starting to feel those old familiar feelings, I just took a deep breath, counted backwards from ten and I said to the guy,

"Excuse me, sir, but your laughter is not helping me right now." And he said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun."

And that was it. I helped him with his luggage. Really? Well, that's great. Yes.

(sighs) And you got the Cokes. Hey. Just a little rap on the side of the machine and presto.

Maybe that's it though, you know? Look what I found in my bag.

Oh, no. Oh, boy. What do you think? Do you?

Well, under the right circumstances, sure, I could tip a few. Okay.

And these are the right circumstances. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Celebrate good times come on ♪ Oh, well. Oh, that must be mine.

(groaning) (grunting)

Ow.

(fluid stream) Oh, geez. Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Irene! Hmm? Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?

MALE NARRATOR:
Well, seems old Hank had pulled a fast one. And if that wasn't bad enough,

there was more trouble right around the corner.

I want everybody to stay put and wait for my orders. You mean to tell me you couldn't tell the difference between us?

Are you serious? Who the hell could? A sober person, for one.

So we had some drinks.

Well, look who joined the party. Did you have fun?

Oh, yes I did! Oh, yes I did! So I guess old Hanky-panky wasn't enough for you, huh?

It wasn't for me. (thud) (sobbing)

-Now, you're sure this is the woman? -Absolutely. When my boyfriend Scooter brought in the morning paper, I recognized her right away.

Thanks a lot. Scooter.

(indistinct chatter) Okay, here they come. Hey, look, Starsky and Hutch, look, man, how about this, man? This is the plan, look. Why don't you let us talk to our dad so this ain't gotta be no big thing, man?

Thanks, fellas, but this is the end of the line for you. Now, Officer Stubie's gonna drive you back to the chopper.

What? You brung us all the way down here for us to leave now? Man, yeah. That don't make no sense. Well, you guys have done all you can do.

This is strictly a police matter from here on in. Wait. It may be a police matter to you, but the police don't matter to me when it's my daddy in there.

I said you're getting the hell out of here. That's the end of it.

Guys, look, I'm sorry. I hate to admit it, but this time he's right. You can't be here. It's a liability thing.

Hey, he, he is a liability. Don't worry about it. This is my investigation. I promise you there will be no bloodshed.

I promise. Come on, guys. Let's go.

(water running) You okay, Charlie? Uh, yeah. I'm just, uh,

freshening up.

How do you want to handle it? I say we storm the place and start shooting.

But what if he's unarmed? Plant a gun on him afterwards.

Agent Boshane. It's Stubie. He's got Baileygates and the girl.

What?

This is Boshane. What's going on? STUBIE (on radio): I caught them out on 134 in a stolen vehicle. Baileygates and the girl. I got them.

Officer Stubie, I don't want you to attempt to move them alone, you hear me? Don't move them. We'll be right there. In your cars, come on.

We sure is sorry about this, Officer. (chickens clucking) But our daddy always told us to trust our instinct, and our instinct is tellin' us something don't smell right.

Come on, let's roll. You guys are making a big mistake. 'Cause I promise you, when I find your old man,

I'm personally gonna mess him up. (clucking )

Now, why did you go and say something like that for, huh? Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?

4.08 centimeters. No, no. What's that in inches? 1.61, man. What you gettin' at, man?

I got ten bucks say I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breakin'. Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass. Look at him. He's a tight-ass.

No, it can be done. Right on. Yo, I'll take that bet. Pull your ass out. (tires squealing)

I'll tell you one thing. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. What are we gonna do about Whitey?

Take a guess. We're going on without him. Moody. Yeah, well, I didn't have the fun you had last night.

I just got the hangover and the swollen prostate. Do you have any cash left from when we checked in?

Yes, 60 bucks, but it's Whitey's. Yeah, well. Bad things happen to people who kill their family with a hammer.

I'm payin' but it's under protest. Come on. It was close enough. Yeah, whatever.

Hey, give me the police scanner, man, so we can find out what is going on. All right. Hey, look, check it out. Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?

Mamma jamma, it can't be that hard! It's just lift versus drag and rotation! Get your head out your ass!

Man, it ain't that, man. This damn manual was written in German, you ass. -Well, you speak German, don't you? -I can speak it.

-I didn't say I could read the it all that good. -You's a cotton-pickin' disgrace. (speaking German)

Jawohl. Then get this off the ground! All right, all right, all right. (together) Whoa.

(sirens approaching)

Oh! Oh. (clucking) (shouting) Oh, jeez!

Would somebody get this damn chicken out of my ass, please? (groaning)

Stay back. We'll do it alone. I'll take 19, you take 20. Stay back!

♪♪ Some turnout a hundred grand ♪♪ ♪♪ Get with it, shake his hand ♪ Damn it!

♪♪ Don't bother to understand ♪♪ Sons of b*tches. I'll show 'em. Sons of b*tches. I need a gun and lots of ammo.

Whoa, sorry. 72-hour wait, federal law. How far am I from Rhode Island?

Four or five hours. I got a map of New England if you want it, $1.95.

Here's a five. Keep the change. Thanks. (phone dialing)

(phone ringing) (phone ringing)

Hello. Finneran, it's Charlie. Charlie, you are in deep doo doo. Where the hell are you?

Listen, you gotta get a message to the colonel for me. But no one outside the department can know about this, all right?

'Cause this is deep. 4:30, South County Train Station, bring plenty of backup.

You've got it. And don't worry, nobody outside the department will hear about this. Watch yourself, buddy, okay?

(phone beeps) (dial tone, dialing) 4:30, eh? Thanks for notifying us, Officer.

No, you've been a really big help. (phone beeps) You stay close. Yes, sir.

Excuse me. Huh? Where's Dickie?

He's waiting for us in Boston. I think it's about time our little rich boy got his hands dirty.

So, tell me. How was, uh, Mr. Wonderful?

This is getting really ridiculous, Charlie, so just let it go.

You know, I turn my back for one minute, and you stick it up my ass, literally. For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!

Oh, don't turn this around on me, okay? You're the one that can't keep your legs closed.

Why are you doing this? Because I like you!

What? I like you.

I like you. Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.

I'm just a ditz. A ditz? What are you talking about?

You're 27 years old. You're the superintendent of a major golf resort. Uh, yeah, well, I kind of fudged my resume a little bit to get that job.

Oh? Look, I don't know the first thing about running a golf course, Charlie.

I'm a model. Huh? I moved to New York.

But none of it worked out, so then I tried to be an actress. I got this eating disorder where I gained, like, 20 pounds.

That's not that bad. In a week. Oh. So I kind of lost my self-respect.

Before you know it, I had 70-year-old guys trying to support me, and I just really didn't like who I was becoming.

God, I've made so many mistakes.

Irene. You didn't know what Dickie was up to, did you?

I may be a ditz, but I'm not a crook.

♪♪ When we met light was shed ♪♪ ♪♪ Thoughts free flow you said ♪♪♪

♪♪ You've got something ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Deep inside of you ♪♪♪

♪♪ A wind chime voice sounds ♪♪♪ ♪♪ The sway of your hips round rings true ♪♪♪

My ass is really sore. ♪♪ Echoes deep inside of you ♪♪♪

Wow. I never get tired of hearing that. (chuckles)

Hey. Oh, hey. I'm looking for my friends. A pretty little blonde and a tall guy with a buzz cut.

Cabin "E." Thanks a lot.

Shh. Don't make a sound. I don't know anything, and that's exactly what I told the police.

I swear. Shut up, Irene! You just listen to me. Maybe we can work something out. (screams) (glass breaks)

Time to face the music, Mozart. And a-one, and a-two, and--

(screeching)

(yells)

(sighs) Warden, I want my own cell.

Oh, great, you again. -What tree did this sap ooze out of? -It's Dickie.

It's the guy who got me into all this crap! Yeah. Oh, your golf buddy? I hope he doesn't mind if I play through. Knock it off, Hank.

Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine. Stop it! Come on, he couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.

Get away from me! Whoa. He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.

Charlie? Yeah, that's right. He might not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.

What the hell is that supp-- Can we just speak English for a second here? I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank, okay? You tricked me.

Yeah, that's right. I did trick you. It was deceitful. It was disgusting and despicable. But just this once, try to look at it from my side.

-I was horny. -Oh, God. You are such a jerk!

Come on. Don't be mad. (grunts)

Now, I warned you about that, buddy. Warned me about what?

Charlie? Uh-huh. Providence, Rhode Island. Ten-minute stop.

Did you-- What? What the hell is going on here? Hank was coming on to me again.

Hank? Damn it. I am so sick of that guy.

Okay, Hank, come on out here. Let's settle this the old-fashioned way. Come on! I may not be tough, but, damn it, I can get good and mad!

Come on! Stop it, man. You're scaring me. What's the matter with you? Let's get off. Let's get off before he wakes up. Come on.

-I'm not through with you, buster. I'm not through with you! -Come on. (train whistle blows)

What's the matter, Hank? Afraid to pick on someone your own size? (screams, groans)

Are you okay? What happened? That was dirty.

All right. Come on. Where are you? -Where are you? -HANK: Here I am. CHARLIE: Huh? Oh, you bastard.

(grunting) Stop it, you're gonna kill him! -(banging continues) -CHARLIE (grunting): He's choking me!

You're choking me. HANK: Ow, ow, ow, ow. Charlie, don't break it. Don't break it.

-Get on your knees and beg me. -Up yours. I beg-- -(cracking) -Ah! (slap)

HANK:
On your feet, Opie. We're gonna have some fun. -CHARLIE: Irene. -(onlookers screaming)

Irene. HANK:
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Wanna see my weasel?

(screaming) (panting) Free hot dogs here. All you can eat.

Get your foot-long and a bag of nuts. CHARLIE: No, don't listen to him! It's not me. It's Hank.

Hey! (groans) Come back here, Hank. I'm not through with you!

-(yelling) -(Hank laughs, groans)

-CHARLIE:
Had enough? -HANK: Up yours.

Stop it, you two! Stop it! (tires screeching)

It's Gerke! Come on! -CHARLIE: All right, Hank, truce. -HANK: For now. (yelling)

(gun c*cks) MAN:
Watch out! He's got a gun! (gunshot)

I'll follow the girl. You get Baileygates.

Police officer! Everybody down! Get down! (gunshot)

Ow! Get out of the way.

(panting) Hank, we're shot. HANK: Come on, you. It's just a flesh wound. Look. (screaming)

Look, there's keys in the car. CHARLIE: No, I can't go on. (panting heavily)

I think-- (groaning) I think I'm gonna faint.

(people screaming)

HANK:
Do you mean to say I gotta carry your sorry ass? All right.

Come on, Rip Van Wussy.

Jeez, you're heavy.

Now, get in there.

♪♪ Read me the letter, baby ♪♪ And we're gone. ♪♪ Do not leave out the words ♪♪♪

-HANK:
Don't worry about him. (gunshot) Oh!

CHARLIE:
Hank, what have you done? -Oh, my God! -HANK: Don't you just love it?

♪♪ I want you to know ♪♪♪ ♪♪ It's a strange condition ♪♪

♪♪ A day in prison ♪♪♪ Move it. ♪♪ It's got me out of my head ♪♪♪

♪♪ And I don't know what I came for ♪♪♪ CHARLIE (scoffs): You are a sick pup.

-HANK:
Yeah, well, it takes one to know one. -CHARLIE: What are you doing? Hank! (grunting) (honking)

HANK:
Ever been b*tch-slapped? CHARLIE (sobbing): I'm gonna kill you, Hank, I swear to God.

-HANK:
Arrivederci, deadwood. -CHARLIE: No!

♪♪ 'Cause I want to know ♪♪ ♪♪ And it's a strange condition ♪♪

♪♪ A day in prison ♪♪♪ ♪♪ You got me out of my head ♪♪♪

♪♪ And I don't know what I came for ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Oh, and I want you to know ♪♪♪

(whistling)

HANK:
What the hell are you still doing here? CHARLIE: You can't just throw me away, Hank. We're in this together.

Pritchard. Cover the other end. I want Charlie arrested on sight.

(punch lands, thud)

Hey, Irene. You just keep walking now.

(tires squealing) (horn honking)

CHARLIE:
Irene? Irene?

Hold it, Baileygates. You're coming with me. Not now, Finneran. Yes, now!

That was me. -HANK: Yeah, big deal. The guy's got a glass jaw. -CHARLIE: Shut up, Hank! You know, you're so-- IRENE: Hank!

Hank! CHARLIE:
Hey, let her go! -HANK: She asked for me, ass. -CHARLIE: Big deal.

Dickie, you know I don't know anything. Shut up, Irene. It's too late.

(gunshot) (screaming)

Hank! Hank!

IRENE:
No way. DICKIE: Come on. (yelling)

-(bridge creaking) -CHARLIE: Oh, no, water. HANK: Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

CHARLIE:
No, we're doing this. (grunting) Hank.

Hank, what are you doing? Give me the leg. Whoa! Hank, hurry! (creaking)

This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank.

I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you can back down from something this important, you're nothing at all.

You're nothing at all! (cracking)

(chuckling) I got my leg back. Oh, no. Hank! I'm coming, Irene.

(yells) Hank! No!

It's okay, Irene. Hank's gone. It's me, Charlie.

Charlie? Uh, maybe you should go back and get help. No, I can handle it.

I'm warning you, pal. You're gonna get hurt. (creaking) Be careful, Charlie.

Just do what he says, Charlie. Back off, back off! Just turn around. Now! Take it easy, Dickie.

Take it easy. (creaking) There's nowhere to go. Come on, Dickie.

Give me the gun. Come on. Come on.

That's it. Nice and easy. (screaming)

(screaming) Where's my thumb?

That's kidnapping and assault. You know that, don't you? Well, why stop there? No! (lawn dart whizzes, thuds) (grunts)

IRENE:
Oh, God. -Whitey! -Rock 'n' roll!

Oh, oh. (screaming) (thuds)

Irene? Irene!

Irene!

Irene! I--

Irene, Irene. What? What? Oh, my God. Ow. (helicopter approaching)

(moaning, grunting)

Keep going. Bring it down, bring it down. -Look at that. -We're coming, Daddy. We're coming, man.

It's my kids!

Come on, Daddy! Grab ahold of that mamma jamma, man! ♪♪ (hip hop music) ♪♪♪

♪♪ I always dance with a lady gets me there every time ♪♪ ♪♪ On the road to recovery I think we missed the damn sign ♪♪♪

So, how's my thumb looking, Doc? I'll let you know when I find it.

Irene, Charlie. Hey. This is Agent Steve Parfitt, F.B.I. Old friend. Nice to see you.

You must be awfully proud of these maniacs. Oh, I am.

Yeah, you know, we're proud of this mutton head too. Oh. (chuckling) It's good to see you're safe, Dad. I'll tell you that. Yeah.

MALE NARRATOR:
The colonel informed them that all the guilty parties... had been apprehended.

Gerke was arraigned at a Providence hospital, and Agent Boshane had been arrested at the train station in New London.

But Charlie Baileygates had other things on his mind. Charlie, nicely done. Thanks, Sea Bass.

Hey, Whitey. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate everything you did for me.

I owe you a huge one. And I'm truly sorry that you had to kill again.

It must be really messing with your head. -I never killed anyone before. -What?

Look, you were an admitted schizo who was wanted for murder and you were laying in bed next to me gabbin' like a 16-year-old girl on the telephone.

You freaked me out, man. But what about your family? How did they die?

I never said they were dead. I said they were gone. They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.

Look at me. I wouldn't last two minutes out in the desert. Hey, your bandage is wet.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe it's time to come off. I'm surprised it's held on this long.

Hey, that's not so bad. Hey, Daddy. We just wanted to say that you-- sweet Jesus.

Look, Daddy got a gosh damn butthole on his face. (all laughing) Oh, boy. Here we go.

He sure is a Spartacus-lookin' mamma jamma. Hey, Daddy, man. Look, man. Now you can blow your nose and wipe your ass at the same damn time.

You know what I'm saying?

So. So. How did your meeting with the shrink go?

Oh, wonderful. A clean bill of health. Yeah? Just another well-rounded individual.

That's great, Charlie. I'm really happy for you. Thank you.

Well, uh, I hope if you're ever, you know, around here,

you'll, uh, come and visit us. Yeah. Little Rhodie.

Biggest little state in the union. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, let me get that for you. Thanks.

-Hey, Irene. -Yeah? Maybe I could come visit you sometime soon.

Promise? You bet.

And that's the word of a Rhode Island State Trooper, ma'am.

(engine turns over)

♪♪ I found you sitting on a suitcase crying ♪♪

♪♪ Beneath my feet ♪♪ ♪♪ I feel the rumble of a subway train ♪♪♪

♪♪ Yeah I laugh out loud ♪♪♪ ♪♪ 'Cause it's the one thing I hadn't been trying ♪♪♪

♪♪ The train came in breathless the passengers restless ♪♪ ♪♪ You said baby, you'll never change ♪♪♪

♪♪ You gotta get gone ♪♪♪ ♪♪ You gotta get going ♪♪♪

♪♪ Hey, the world ain't slowing down ♪♪♪ You gotta be kidding.

♪♪ It's the carnival calling out to you ♪♪♪ OFFICER (over bullhorn): Hold it right there.

♪♪ You paint the... ♪♪ Miss Waters. Yes? I'd like you to step out of the car please. What did I not do now?

We have reason to believe this is a stolen vehicle. What? No, no. I rented this car.

Would you step out of the car, please? Great.

Front of the car, please. Mm-hmm. Hands on the hood. Spread your legs. That's great. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm. Thank you. Just following procedure, ma'am. Oh, you guys. You guys are beautiful.

Look, why don't we just skip the trial. Get right to it. You can lock me up and keep me here forever.

That's what I had planned. Look.

Man, I hope her skinny ass is reading this. Man, I'm pretty sure she's lookin', man. Don't trip.

♪♪ You gotta get gone, you gotta get goin'♪♪♪ ♪♪ Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one ♪♪♪

Oh, Charlie. ♪♪ It's the carnival calling out to you ♪♪ (all cheering)

♪♪ It sounds like a song it hits you like scripture ♪♪♪ ♪♪ You paint the picture ♪♪♪

♪♪ With colors squeezed from your hand ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Weren't you the kid ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Who just climbed on the merry-go-round ♪♪♪

It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight. I'll tell you one thing. It's gonna be raining my cotton-pickin' cookies...

if this mamma jamma don't stop this turbulence. That's what I'm talking about. Come on, man. MALE NARRATOR: Well, that's Charlie's story, and I'm sticking to it.

They all moved in together and lived as one big happy family-- Charlie and Irene, the guys,

even that nice albino fella, Whitey. And I'm happy to report Charlie got promoted to lieutenant

in the greatest law enforcement agency in the land: the Rhode Island State Police.

Yeah, it was a regular slice of Americana. Y'all come back now. Thanks for watchin' our monkey fetus movie.

♪♪ You gotta get gone, you gotta get going ♪♪ ♪♪ Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one ♪♪♪

♪♪ It's a carnival calling out to you ♪♪ (mooing) ♪♪ It's calling out to you ♪♪♪

♪♪ It sounds like a song ♪♪ ♪♪ Hits you like scripture ♪♪♪ ♪♪ You paint the picture ♪♪♪

♪♪ With colors squeezed from your hand ♪♪ ♪♪ Weren't you the kid who just climbed on the merry-go ♪♪♪

♪♪ Weren't you the kid ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Who just climbed on the merry-go ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Weren't you the kid ♪♪♪

♪♪Who just climbed on the merry-go round ♪♪♪ ♪♪ Hey look, the world ain't slowin down ♪♪♪

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Peter Farrelly

Peter John Farrelly (born December 17, 1956) is an American film director, screenwriter, producer and novelist. The Farrelly brothers are mostly famous for directing and producing gross-out humor romantic comedy films such as Dumb and Dumber, Shallow Hal, Me, Myself and Irene, There's Something About Mary and the 2007 remake of The Heartbreak Kid. In addition to his extensive film career, Peter is also an acting board member of the online media company DeskSite. more…

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Submitted by AxelFoley80 on July 15, 2023

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    "Me Myself And Irene" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 15 Jun 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/me_myself_and_irene_27183>.

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