Maps to the Stars

I'm Agatha Weiss.

I asked for a limousine.

A stretch?

Um.

Yeah, there weren't any available.

Can you find this place?

Yeah.

Ah...

Look, cash call.

I'm gonna have to collect up front.

It's 45 an hour.

2 hour minimum.

Here's 200, okay?

Can we get a star home map?

Kind of a waste.

Unless you want to see

where Ryan Seacrest used to live?

Where did you come in from?

Jupiter.

Florida.

What's happening in LA?

Visiting family.

Do you drive a lot of celebrities?

I had Al Gore once.

That was probably the heaviest....

for me.

I drove Tatum O'Neil when

she had a reality show.

Umm...

Chuck Lorre...

... who created 2 1/2 Men.

Get a lot of producers...

directors.

Eh... Juliette Lewis.

She's a scientologist.

I was thinking about converting.

Just as a carrier move.

You're an actor?

Actor, writer.

I know Carrie Fisher.

Oh, really?

How's that?

I met her on Twitter.

Yeah, we became like really good friends.

I'm helping her with

a new novel she's writing.

But it might be something she

winds up doing as an HBO show.

What's this place?

I thought it might be on a star map.

There used to be a

really big house here.

Childhood home of Benjie Weiss.

So, how do you know that?

I used to babysit for him.

I was the original bad babysitter.

It's weird.

My agent is trying to get me

an audition for babysitter 2.

I mean it's a long shot, but uh...

Jacob Lightner...

... got it to me...

he's a personal manager.

He's a real heavy-weight.

We went to Beverly together.

I hold my fingers crossed.

Hi, there.

I'd didn't think you'd come.

Why is that?

You're so busy.

Not for you.

Hm.

I, um...

I... I liked 'Bad Babysitter'.

You were so funny.

Yeah... uh....

We did 780 million world wide.

People don't realize that.

Don't you have an iPad?

No...

Um... can we get her an iPad?

Mini?

Load it up?

Watch sh*t in 3D?

We got great sack in crew jackets.

'I was a Bad Babysitter'

written in gold on the back.

Get your swag on.

So...

How did you get AIDS, Cammy?

Umm...

I don't have AIDS, its...

Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

You know what

I'm going to do?

I'm gonna make a movie of your life.

Right?

Ryan Gosling will play me.

And I'll play you.

You're my date at the Oscars.

Non-Hodgekin's?

Sorry about that.

- What the f*** is Non-Hodgekin's?

- I think it's a blood thing.

I mean, 'Non'.

It either is or isn't.

Were you serious in there?

Because...

... we can definitely get this to Ryan.

- It's just the kind of stuff he likes to do.

- We could get it to Ryan?

Yeah.

You can barely get

toilet paper to your ass.

Make for an uplifting drama,

wouldn't it?

I mean, I even got a title.

'It's A Horrible Life'.

If you're not serious Benjie,

it's better not to promise.

Hah!

Arnold Kugler Ross has spoken!

Great Rabi, death and dieing.

Man of wisdom.

Zen-f***ing-archer!

I got a new nickname for you.

Uzeem Atolerance.

Drop it Benjie.

Drop it?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you show

me your c*nt?!

Huh?!

I know you have one.

Jew f*ggot!

What are they offering?

5 million.

10 points from Cashbury.

What's Genie asking?

20 from dollar one.

What do you think?

I think we have their balls...

Cool.

So um...

when's the audition?

It's not an audition Benjie.

I told you that.

Right. Sorry.

When's the urine test?

The meeting is on Friday at 10.

The studio just want to see that

you're bright eyed and bushy tailed.

But the deals contingent belong to me?

They just want to protect the franchise.

I am the franchise.

Goo-goo-ga-joo.

Stafford, are you gonna to eat?

I was listening to a very interesting tape

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes