Manhattan Night Page #4

my vows to you here, right now,

this, this minute, exactly.

And I have no idea

what I'm going to say.

But once it's done,

it'll be my vows to you, okay?

So, after I said goodbye to you,

I had dinner with,

uh, Jessica Chastain.

She wants to be in my next

movie, strange day.

And she looks good.

There was nothing wrong

with the conversation.

She was very smart and funny,

and whatever,

but she wasn't you, Caroline.

I didn't get that

"click" from her.

I got the click from you.

I got the click.

When I was in high school,

I got a job as a busboy

at this place in the village,

Dante's caf.

But that was, uh,

that was a big,

big thing for me.

I made some money

and I got my first camera,

and I could watch

all the people.

There was this very beautiful

model who started coming in,

her name was Ashley Montgomery.

I would save her used cigarettes

with that perfect lipstick smudge,

faintest trace of

her perfume on them,

and, when I got home,

I would lie naked in my bed

and I would lay the cigarette

butts all over my body,

uh, even under my tongue, and even

in my ass, once, while I jerked off.

I did not consider this strange.

I'm sorry, is this still

his marriage proposal?

- Yeah.

- I was certain that I would never...

...be loved, never.

I swore that, if I ever had the

chance for somebody I loved,

I would take it right away.

And when I saw you today,

I saw a woman who could take

it, who could take me,

who could f***ing kick it back

at me, if she had to.

This is my excitement...

And my terror.

My heart thrills to your heart,

Caroline.

My dark heart

to your dark heart.

That is my vow, Caroline,

my vow to you.

This is a song that makes me

think of you.

We were secretly married

in New York three days later.

Showed a real affection for me.

In the first six months, we were

surprisingly happy together.

And this one night, when, um,

when Simon didn't come

home, I got worried.

But I didn't call the police because I

knew Simon would be pissed if I did.

Three days went by,

and it was pretty clear then

that something was wrong.

Look, Caroline...

...if the police can't figure

out how or why Simon died,

I honestly don't think I can.

But you found that little girl.

Don't people tell you

all kinds of things?

Honestly?

I found that little

girl by mistake.

It was random luck.

I didn't deserve

any credit for that.

Mostly, people tell me stories.

I never press them.

They just tell me 'cause

they want to be known.

You seem to be searching

for something else.

You had to know that, by coming here

today, I was going to ask for your help.

Unless, of course, there was

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