Major Movie Star


Miss Valentine.

Miss Valentine. It's time to get up.

Good morning, Camille.

Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo.


- You like?

- I like.

- I don't know.

- You like.

I like. Those.

I'm not sure if those are comped.

Where should they bill?

- Delores?

- Yes? Coming. Yes. Right here.

Delores will give you

all of Cousin Barry's info.

- He's the one that handles all my money.

- Okay.

Your jewelry for tonight has arrived.

Hey, Peek-a-boo!

Don't chew on those Jimmy Choos.

How cute is that?

Okay, so I'm thinking old Hollywood,

1920s screen siren.

I saw a clip of the movie. So adorable.

The layers you brought to that character?

So deep.

- Really?

- Megan. Come on, we're friends.

- Look at me. Would I lie to you?

- Megan? Don't freak, okay?

- Joe Kidd strikes again.

- That dirt bag.

I was walking past the doctor's office,

not out of it.

- That's a good picture of you.

- I know, right?

Wow! Don't you look nice?

That dress would be perfect

if we were premiering a movie

called Back Door Blondes.

That whole thing to me says,

"I've got five different kind of pills in me

and I don't wear panties."

And that hair looks like

you plucked it off of a blow-up doll.

We talked about this.

I specifically remember

because your New Jersey screech

makes my ears bleed.

Now, get out of here, Catwoman,

and take your friends with you.

All right. I'm sorry I had to be a little rough

with your handlers,

but that's what a good manager does.

He manages. Don't give me that pout.

- How long have we been together now?

- Since I was 13.

And have I ever steered you wrong?

When you told me my period

was the devil's way of saying hi.

I don't exactly think menstruation

is a gift from a loving God.

I have known you

ever since you were little Frances Bagley,

that fat girl who did the tap dance

at the indoor swap meet.

I remember seeing you and thinking,

"Sure, she's got mousy brown hair

and a snaggle tooth and an oily forehead.

"But we can do something with her."

We have made you America's Sweetheart

and we're not gonna stray from that path.

Can we stray from talking animal movies?

Megan, all the greats have done

talking animal movies.

You've got Clint Eastwood

in Every Which Way But Loose,

Meryl Streep, Out of Africa.

We are on the right track.

Just yesterday,

you were named Best Actress

by the inmates at Leavenworth Penitentiary.

That's a huge deal. It's a very big prison.

You know who was the runner-up?

Judi Dench.

Here's the dress.

This is America's Sweetheart.

This is Megan Valentine.

Cousin Barry!

Thank you so much for the flowers.

I cannot believe it.

It is like looking in the mirror.

I mean, we're like identical cousins.

You know, I mean, if I bleached my hair

and had a big comb-over.

I mean,

I've worn a bustier a couple of times.

- It's very similar.

- Good Lord.

We're both wearing thongs.

- Derek!

- Baby!

Gosh, what a surprise.

I thought you couldn't make it.

I had to be here

to support you on your big night.

Besides, Nigel pulled some strings

and he promised the director he'd have me

back in time for tomorrow's shoot.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

All right. I'll let you get that.

- Hey, Sidney.

- Hey, kiddo. How's it going?

- Hey. Tell Brad I'll call him back.

- We're on our way.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that script

that you sent over the other day?

- The one about the singer?

- What?

- I love it.

- Barbra Streisand biopic?

You're just not right for the role.

They're looking for somebody

a little bit more serious, you know?

- But, Sidney, that's...

- People love you the way you are.

You're cute. You're perky.

You've got D cups.

You're America's Sweetheart.

Bubele, listen to your agent.

I know what you want, okay?

I'll see you at the after-party. We'll talk.

How's anyone gonna ever take me seriously

when I can't get a serious role

to begin with?

Where's my Color Purple?

Where's my Sling Blade?

Hey. This guy takes you seriously.

All right? You're gonna do great.

You're so pretty. Yeah. You look great.

Go, go. You look good. Go.

Meg! Megan!

- Megan, is it true you two are engaged?

- Megan, what about the pregnancy rumor?

Hey, Derek, are you sure you're the dad?

It might not be you.

I hate that Joe Kidd guy. I love you!

All right. Back off, fatty.

- What? It's my job.

- I've had enough of you.

- I don't care if you do your job.

- Let me see your veneers.

These are worth nothing.

Now, Derek, you have to admit

your career has taken off

since you and Megan started dating.

Derek's career was well on its way

before we ever even met.

I mean, he's been on the cover

- of Soap Digest four times.

- Four times.

All I can say is, I'm in love.

And I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Well, there it is, ladies and gentlemen.

True love alive in Hollywood.

I don't know.

Rupert, how am I gonna get myself

out of this one?

The same way I got out of being neutered.

- How?

- Well, actually, I didn't.

But at least I don't hump

the couch anymore.

Quick, hurry. It's Dr. Munson. Hide!

Babe, it really looks like you're hiding there.

- I know, right?

- It's amazing.


Even my fleas are scared.

- It's not fair. You just got here.

- I know.

Look, we'll take a trip

when I get back, all right?

Just the two of us. I'll pay half.

I'm sorry I couldn't stay to the end.

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes

April Blair

April Blair is an American writer and producer of film and television. Blair has written scripts for the films, Christmas Caper, Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous, Lemonade Mouth. She also co-wrote with director Tom Bezucha, the film Monte Carlo starring Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy. Blair is also the creator and executive producer of the 2012 ABC Family series Jane by Design. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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