Madea Goes to Jail

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That old lady is crazy.

You can say that again.

Good morning, all.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

I trust we reviewed our cases

over the weekend?

Yes.

You're watching

that Mabel Simmons case.

- It's all over the news.

- Right.

Now, that old woman has been giving

the police the blues all of her life.

- She was an ugly baby.

- Okay.

- Petty theft at 9.

- Oh, my goodness.

Illegal gambling at 18.

That Afro is thirsty.

Check fraud.

Not bad. Not bad.

- Identify theft.

- Lord, help her.

Insurance fraud.

Okay, everything,

except attempted murder.

- Attempted murder.

- There we go.

Oh, my goodness.

- Assault.

- Nice.

The list goes on and on

and so on and so on.

Unfortunately, our fine officers may

have made a mistake on her takedown.

So we have to handle this with care.

Who wants it?

Don't all volunteer at the same time.

You're supposed to be helping me.

We have no volunteers

for the Simmons case?

Okay.

Linda, it's all yours.

Thank you. Stop laughing.

By the way, let's congratulate

our Linda Davis...

...on her 89 percent conviction rate.

Thank you.

With numbers like that,

you'll be DA one day.

- Okay.

- That's my girl.

Everyone else, let's check the boards

for the new cases and let's get to court.

All right.

- Honey, there goes our appointment.

- I know.

And you're all broken up about it.

- I am. I got a lot of work anyway.

- I know.

That's all right. After this case,

it's just you and me, Tanya.

Good, that will give me time

to talk you out...

...of these taffeta

bridesmaids dresses.

Wha-? You like them,

don't you, baby?

Take my advice,

just nod and say yes.

- Of course.

- You're weak.

Yeah, he's smart.

- You're smart.

- I'm smart.

- Thank you.

- I'll see you later.

- All right.

- Sign that for me. Thank you.

- And you have fun with that.

- Thank you.

So...

- You set a date.

- Yes, I set a date.

You know you're gonna need

a best man.

Told you I got brothers.

But your brothers have not been

the kind of friend that I've been to you.

Chuck, the only reason you wanna be

in my wedding is you wanna be seen.

- That hurts.

- Yes.

That really hurts.

But you are right.

Linda's parents, they're loaded, Josh.

The governor's gonna be there.

The mayor's gonna be there.

- Get out of here.

- Come on. Hook your boy up.

- I need you to be my usher.

- I don't want- Listen.

- That's an important job.

- What can I say?

I just don't know.

I just don't know, Cora.

I just don't know.

Uncle Joe, are you all right?

Uncle Joe?

Breathe, Joe, breathe.

You- You okay?

I'm good, Cora. Turn that oxygen up.

You're not supposed to be smoking

around oxygen. That's the problem.

Oxygen is everywhere in the air.

If you light a cigarette,

you're lighting it in oxygen.

If you ain't got oxygen,

fire won't work.

- Learn some chemistry, honey. Learn.

- Chemistry?

What the hell you talking about?

You don't know what you talking about.

- Oh, you-

- This helps my-

My blood pressure.

Smoke to help my blood pressure.

Fool around and blow you,

your blood pressure up.

That's right.

This here is good for you.

It's good for you.

It came straight down from heaven.

God sent it down- And he sent Viagra.

He sent this and he sent that oxygen.

You put them all together, you'll take

a woman to heaven and back.

Thank you.

How you gonna sit there,

talk about God...

...with a joint in your hand

and some Viagra?

God made this.

He made the birds and the bees

and the flowers and these trees.

Joe, you're just like your sister.

Both of y'all are going to hell.

- What?

- Uncle Joe.

- You want some?

- Joe-

- No. I need you to focus, Uncle Joe.

- Focus on what?

Why were you running from

the police? Madea? What happened?

Mabel always running

from the police, Cora.

You're mama been running

from the police. She's a ho.

Po-po. The po-po come,

she's running like a ho.

Your mama always running

from the police.

I'm sorry to tell you,

your mama is a po-po ho.

That fool is a thug.

That's right. Your mama a gangsta.

King Kong ain't got nothing on her.

- Got nothing on her.

- Daddy.

- Stop talking about mama.

- I'm not talking about her.

- You go on-

- How you all doing?

- Hey, Brian.

- I just saw the news.

What is going on

with you and Madea?

- What's happening? Are you all right?

- I ain't all right.

What's wrong?

I can't feel my big toes.

Thank you.

I'll tell you, when your parents get to be

a certain age, it's like raising children.

My kids don't give me trouble

like you and Madea are giving me.

What is the matter?

Have you lost your mind?

Madea's on probation. I don't know

what she was thinking about.

That never stopped your mom.

I got her out of trouble.

She's going to jail this time.

To the big house, prison, the slammer.

They're gonna lock her up...

...press her down, shake it together,

gonna be in her bosom.

- I'm telling you, she-

- Mr. Brown!

Too much?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Oh, wait, y'all go ahead.

Finish what y'all were saying.

Come on, Cora, let's go to down there,

see if we can get her out there.

They gonna lock her up.

She's going to the slammer.

- To the big jail.

- Mr. Brown.

- We don't need you to go.

- I got to go. They'll put her in Alcatraz.

She's gonna be in solitary condition.

They gonna lock her big behind.

- It's Alcatraz.

- Bye.

Get the hell on out of here.

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