Love Potion No. 9

Synopsis: Two scientists who are hopeless with the opposite sex experiment with a substance that makes them irresistible to anyone who hears them speak.
Director(s): Dale Launer
Production: Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment
Rotten Tomatoes:
92 min

I took my troubles | down to Madame Ruth

You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth

She's got a pad | on 34th and Vine

Sellin' | little bottles of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I told her that I was | a flop with chicks

I've been this way | since 1956

She looked at my palm

And she made | a magic sign

She said, | What you need is

Love Potion | Number Nine

She bent down | and turned around

And gave me a wink

She said, | I'm gonna mix it up

Right here | in the sink

It smelled | like turpentine

It looked like | india ink

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop?

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

Love Potion...

About once a month,

my friends and I | get together

and do something different | for fun.

Sometimes | we go bowling

or miniature golf

or a movie | or something.

One night,

we went down | to a Gypsy palm reader

on 34th and Vine.

Let me see | your palm.

You do very badly | with women.

No. I... I... I... | I do all right.

No, you don't.

There are | no women here.

What's this?

No women.

Are you | a boy-kissy-boy?

Excuse me?

You a homosexual?


I want my sister | to see this.

No, I don't.


I see no women | in your life

for a long, | long time.



Well, that's | kind of depressing.

Yes, it is.

But I have | something for you.

Let me see.

Number 17,

number 13.

Where the hell is it?


Number eight.

This is | what you need.

Dilute this with water | 1,000 to 1.

You don't want it | to be too strong.

You take a sip, | and you swallow.

And when you speak,

women will fnd you | fascinating.

I'm a biochemist.

You take this.

You'll be back.

So, tell me, | there was this woman

I saw you having lunch | with the other day.


She's just... | just somebody I work with.


Were there any | romantic possibilities?



Why not?

No, you see, I'm...

She's, um, | she's not my type.

Oh, she's not | your type.

That was a lie.

Except for the fact | that she had

kind of a boyfriend,

Diane was exactly my type.

I'm a comparative | psychobiologist.

I put, uh, primates...

chimpanzees... | through tests.

I note the behavior | of the subject,

and I hope the results | are analogous to humans.

Do you put electrical things | in their brains?


But that's done, | isn't it?



You can measure | electrical activity,

or, with a minute | amount of current,

you can stimulate a feeling | or... or a thought.

You can stimulate | a feeling?


For example,

there was | this experiment

where an electrode | was planted

in the pleasure center | of a monkey's brain.

When the monkey | hit a button,

it sent a signal | to the electrode,

in effect exciting | the monkey sexually.

You're kidding.


Can you guess | what happened?

Was it a male monkey?


He slammed the button | till he died.

Oh, so, you know | this experiment.

I know men, honey.

Oh, stop.

I think she is defnitely | Paul's type.

She's got that, | uh...

je ne sais quoi,

that, uh...

Very sexy girl.

You should go | talk to her.


You should do it.

Do it.

I don't know her.

Well, | that is the point.

You go talk to her,

then you'll | know her.

Well, maybe she doesn't | want to talk to anybody.


Maybe she does, huh?

You got to | keep taking chances,

keep rolling | the dice

till you fnd someone | who does want to talk.

Expert advice.


I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you $20 | to go talk to her.

$20. Just go | talk to her.



I don't want to do it.




Oh, O. K., O. K.

?Born to lose ? ?I've lived my...

He trapped me | by the bathroom.

He keeps me | by the bathroom.

He won't let me pass.

Can you believe it?

It's just one ugly geek | after another

in this place.

If one more of these | Radio Shack clerks...

Hi. Hi.



I don't believe this.

Can I, uh, uh,

can I buy you | a drink?

Can I ask you | a question?


Why do you think | I'd be interested in you?

Did I look at you | or smile at you?

Did I flirt with you?


Well, then what makes you | think I'd be interested?

Are you somebody special? | Is that it?

Do you do something | really fascinating?

What do you do | for a living?

Uh, I'm... | I'm a biochemist.

Do I look like | a biochemist groupie?

Well, biochemists | don't have groupies.

Why do you think | that is?

Well, it's not | a very glamorous job.

No, it's not one of your | drop-dead glamorous jobs.

I mean,

I'm sure that you fnd chemicals | very fascinating,

but do I look like somebody | who'd be interested

in a...

a... a...

a chemical person?

No. Hey, wait.

I'm doing this | for your beneft.

I mean, you wouldn't want this | to happen again,

would you?


No. What's very | obvious to me

is not to you.

Look at your clothes

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Dale Launer

Dale Launer (born May 19, 1952) is an American comedy screenwriter. His films include Ruthless People, Blind Date, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and My Cousin Vinny. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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