Love at First Bite

Greetings from Martin's Comedy Movies

Children of the night...

shut up!

Renfield!

Yes, master.

I was getting the magazines, master.

How many times do I have to tell you,

body temperature.

Yes, master.

Lots of ladies in the altogether

for you to drool over.

Trash.

Filth.

Pornographic!

Where is my fashion magazine?

Whatever master wants, master gets.

There she is.

Cindy Sondheim.

I tell you, Renfield...

every time I see her, I am more sure it's her.

The only woman I have ever loved.

Please, master...

that's the same thing you said

about the Countess de Montespan in 1672.

That was sex, Renfield...

this is love.

This one has a soul...

a very old soul.

A soul I have known before.

I bit her once in Warsaw,

in thirteen hundred and...

Thirteen hundred and...

- Renfield!

- 56, master.

Yes.

Yes, 1356, Warsaw, I bit her once.

I met her again in England

in nineteen hundred...

- 31.

- 31!

Two bites that time...

I knew her as Mina Harker.

But I lost her in that damn London fog.

I'll never forget it, master.

That was the time

Dr. Van Helsing nearly got you.

If it hadn't been for that cigarette case

I gave you for your 650th birthday...

he would have driven that stake

right through your heart.

What?

He would have driven that stake

right through your heart.

So what do you want from me, a medal?

Sorry, master.

Cindy and I are going down

to the cellar to take a little nap.

- Master, please be careful!

- What is it?

You nearly stepped on my dinner.

Forgive me.

Bon apptit!

- Renfield!

- Yes, master?

Didn't mean to bother you

while you are eating.

When you are finished, tidy up a bit.

Certainly, master.

"Cheating on your honeymoon can be fun.

"How to get your gynecologist

to tear up his bill...

"by yelling rape in the office.

"The 10 best states

to divorce your old man in.

"Husband-beating.

Ten men tell why they like it."

Sick.

Cindy Sondheim...

one day I will take you away from all of this.

Wake up, master!

Master, there's someone at the door.

They want to see you.

I think they are from the government.

- How do you know?

- They are wearing shoes.

"And therefore by a unanimous vote

of the Central Committee...

"it has been decided to turn this castle...

"into a training camp

for our young athletes."

You and your cockroach-eating friend

over there...

have 48 hours to get out!

Good evening, Comrade Count.

Wait one minute.

This is my home.

My people cleared the land.

We tortured innocent peasants for it.

We even murdered for it.

By Romanian law, that makes it ours.

Now you listen to me, stupid.

In 48 hours, we will be back here...

with trampolines, parallel bars, swings...

and Nadia Comaneci. Don't be here!

Don't be here?

Where am I to go?

You have a choice, Comrade Count.

Either you spend the rest of your life

in an efficiency apartment...

with seven dissidents and one toilet...

or you gather your aristocratic shit together

and split.

Renfield!

Yes, master.

What is an efficiency apartment?

I don't know, master.

What's a toilet?

Get the monster.

The horses are harnessed, master. It's time.

So they've come to pay their respects,

have they?

Not exactly, master.

Perhaps it would be better

if you left in your coffin.

I could take it off the carriage.

Me, afraid of townspeople!

A bunch of yokels.

Come, Renfield...

we will give them a run for their money.

Get the wolfsbane.

Get your wolfsbane.

Torch him in the boat.

Hang him by his heels.

What do you want from him? Blood?

You dirty bat, you bit my mother.

- What is your name?

- Alexei Rugalov.

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