Loose Cannons

Synopsis: Mac, the two fisted savy cop finds that he's being saddled with a new partner, a known burn out, to work with him on a new and difficult case. The new partner is, Ellis, an amazing detective, one who puts Sherlock Holmes to shame with his lightning fast deductions. Ellis has a couple of problems. He keeps assuming the personalities of entire casts of Television shows. This can be a problem when people begin shooting at them.
Genre: Action, Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Bob Clark
Production: TriStar Pictures
Rotten Tomatoes:
94 min



Quiet. Listen. Listen!

Sh*t, this is scary.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ!

- They've gone. Let's go.

- No.

Listen. Listen.

- They are coming back down.

- Oh, God.



- It's him! It's him!

- Who?

- Oh, my God.

- What?

What is he doing in this country?

Oh, Steckler, why don't you talk to me?

I know you are out there, Steckler.

Steckler, what's going on?

You have stolen something

from us, Steckler.

I've come a long way to get it back.

Return it and we will be good friends

again. Jawohl, Steckler?

Oh, by the way, Steckler, that first

little sale that you arranged...

...we had to cancel that.

That lovely agent from the German

government was very upset with you...

...when you double-crossed him.

I think he would have killed you...

...so we killed him instead.

We cut off his head.

Oh, God!


Pull over. We'll chew the fat a little.

Oh, God! What are you doing? No. No!


- That's it. Come on.

- Halt! Steckler! Halt!

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No!


Come on, come on, come on!

Shut up, you sex fiends!

- Ma'am, what do you want us to do?

- Arrest them. You're the Vice Squad.

- Ma'am, what do you want us to do?

- Arrest them. You're the Vice Squad.

It's not against the law.

You horse! You big horse! Oh!

You moose! Oh! You elephant!

She's got the Wild Kingdom in there.

- What are you gonna do?

- I think we ought to sell tickets.

Hey, hey, are you guys cops?

Are you gonna do something about

Mae West and Harry Reems in there?

Every night, humpety-hump,


I feel like I'm living

in a Pussycat Theatre.

Stuff a sock in it, you degenerate!

Jesus Christ, every f***ing night!

Goddamn. Change coats with me.

Get away from that door.

You'll catch something.

Sir, I'm Dr. Ballsup from the

District of Columbia Health Department.

This is a spot check, sir.

Hi. I'm Dr. Ballsup

from the Health Department.

You're wearing a condom

at this time, are you not?

Condom? Well, no.

I left it home on the dresser.

Oh, well, we've heard that before.

I'm afraid I'll have to cite you

under D.C. Statute 3086942-64.

- Is this a joke?

- No, ma'am.

Safe sex in the '80s is no joke.

Officer Delaney, you have any of those

indiscriminate-copulation citation forms?

You know, I'm fresh out.

- Well, it has been a busy week...

- Did we use the...? The orgy, yes.

Come on, fellas, give me a break.

My wife lost her job. My kid's been sick.

Sir, have you ever been cited for

D.C. Ordinance 9...

- 30869...

- Nine...


No, sirs. Never. Swear to God.

Look, I always carry one in my wallet.

I just used the last one.

See, there's the indentation.

- He is correct about the indentation.

- I see.

- Why don't you give him a break?

- Okay.

Well, since we don't have the proper

forms and this is your first offence...

...l'll let you off with a warning. But I'm

gonna ask you to cease and desist...

...until such time as you have

obtained another condom.

Now, please, sir, let's all practice

safe sex, shall we?

It's for your safety as well as for ours.

Have a nice night.

Keep your nose clean.

Stern, you're crazier

than they said you were.

Hey, Stern, wait up.

I got a message from the captain.

Send a singing telegram.

Well, well, MacArthur Stern, supercop.

How's things out on the sleaze patrol?

Boy, the gaudier the cop,

the snappier the patter.

What's on your mind, Weskit,

besides stale material?

You know what you guys ought to do?

Every time you bust a whore...

...you ought to paint a little tit

on the side of your car to keep score.

Oh, Weskit, I don't want to use the

five points of IQ it would take...

...to have a battle of wits with you.

What the hell do you want?

Captain's bringing you back to Homicide.

Got a briefing in the morning at 8 a.m.

The porno murders.

Yeah, you being an expert in the field.

I give you three days, and then

you're back in the toilet.

Who am I partnered with?

Anybody I know?

You kidding? Nobody you know will work

with you. You're gonna love this guy.

What's so funny?

So this is the old Woody

you were always working on.

It's beautiful.

Looks like a diner I used to eat in.

Hey. Do you know what

this car represents?

Hey, what do you think, I'm ignorant?

I read that psychology crap.

- It represents your dick.

- What?

That's right. An automobile

represents a man's dick.

It's an extension of your penis.

This Woody represents

what you want your dick to be.

Actually, I think you're flattering yourself.

You ought to be driving a compact.

Hyundai or something like that.

You're disgusting, Weskit. This doesn't

represent my dick. It represents order.

- Order?

- That's right, order.

When I slide this key into that ignition

and I hear that engine purr...

...I know there's order in the universe.

There's continuity.

There's a continuum.

Do you know what I mean?

That's some deep sh*t, Stern.

I give you two days.

Maybe one. One day. One day.

You should write a book, Weskit.

Me and My Lobotomy.

All right, all right.



I just talked to the captain.

He said if you're ready, he is.

- Are you ready, Ellis?

- You're the doctor.

Clinically, I think you're ready.

I want to know what you feel.

I'm as sane as most people.

You'll have to face violence again.

If you're going into police work,

you know that.

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Richard Christian Matheson

Richard Christian Matheson (born October 14, 1953) is an American writer of horror fiction and screenplays. He is the author of over 100 short stories of psychological horror and magic realism which are gathered in over 150 major anthologies and in his critically hailed hardcover short story collections Scars and Other Distinguishing Marks, Amazon #1 bestseller Dystopia and Zoopraxis. He is the author of the suspense novel Created By and Hollywood novella of magic realism The Ritual of Illusion, and was the editor of the commemorative book Stephen King's Emmy Winning BATTLEGROUND Matheson also adapted the short story which was made into an iconic episode of the TNT series "Nightmares & Dreamscapes" and won two Emmys. He wrote or co-wrote the screenplays for Three O'Clock High, Full Eclipse, It Takes Two, Loose Cannons Shifter, Midvale The Nature of Evil(co-written with his father Richard Matheson, Paradise, It Waits, Happy Face Killer, Voices of Midway, "Red Sleep", "Hooky", Dean Koontz's Soul Survivor as a 4-hour mini series, three Masters of Horror episodes, Stephen King's Big Driver, and 'NIGHTMARE CINEMA". He wrote for Amazing Stories, the miniseries Nightmares & Dreamscapes and adapted as four-hour miniseries HG Well's "THE TIME MACHINE", Roger Zelazny's "The Chronicles of Amber" and Whitley Strieber's "Majestic". Matheson also wrote twenty comedy and drama pilots for major studios and networks. He co-created, co-executive produced and co-wrote all thirteen episodes of the highly-rated HBO/Cinemax half-hour comedy series CHEMISTRY. He has been executive story consultant, supervising producer and executive producer for network television series. He is also the co-executive producer of the films Cub, It Waits, Paradise, Full Eclipse and Big Driver. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Loose Cannons" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 May 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/loose_cannons_12811>.

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