Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #5

EDDY:

Because it's cheap like a budgie.

BACON:

And nobody wants to live next door to the people that we live next to;

a bit anti-social, you know.

BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.

TOM:

What do you mean?

EDDY:

He means they're thieving dogs.

BACON:

I mean when they are not picking peanuts out of poop, they're ripping

off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

BACON opens the cupboard doors and puts his finger to his lips. The

noise from next door immediately gets louder.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

DOG:

(off)

No you prat, that's for me.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Dog has a small pile of money and pills that he is distributing to his

lads.

DOG:

How many times do I have to explain this to you, Plank? You find a job

worth doing and you will find your share improving . . . Now do you

have a problem with that?

He obviously doesn't.

INT. ED AIVD BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

EXT. BIG BOY'S GYM/SOLARiUM - NIGHT

Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).

BIG CHRIS:

How long has he been in there, son?

LITTLE CHRIS:

About twenty minutes.

BIG CHRIS:

Is he on his own?

LITTLE CHRIS:

Just carrying a bag.

BIG CHRIS:

Let's have a look, shall we?

INT. GYM/SOLARIUM - NIGHT

BIG CHRIS:

Son, have a look under that one.

Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.

LITTLE CHRIS:

It's not him, Dad.

BIG CHRIS:

Try that one.

Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.

LITTLE CHRIS:

Sleeping like a baby.

Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.

BIG CHRIS:

This is one of those high-powered numbers, isn't it?

John O'Driscoll's eyes widen; Chris slams down the sunbed on top of him

as hard as he can.

Got some bad news for you, John.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

What the fu-!

Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.

BIG CHRIS:

Mind your language in front of my boy.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

Jesus Christ!

Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.

BIG CHRIS:

That includes blasphemy as well. Now tell me, John . . .

JOHN'O'DRISCOLL

Tell you what, Chris?

A man opens the sunbed mom door.

SUNBED MAN:

I say, hold on.

LITTLE CHRIS:

I say shut it!

SUNBED MAN:

You what?

BIG CHRIS:

He said shut it!

Chris pulls a mean face; the door is closed.]

Tell me John, how you can concentrate on improving a lovely tan, and it

is a lovely tan by the way, when you have more pressing priorities at

hand?

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

Tell Harry . . .

Bang as sunbed comes down again.

BIG CHRIS:

Did I say speak? And it's Mr Harry to you . . . Now don't disappoint me

and chose your words carefully. You may speak.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

I'll have it for Mr Harry in a few days. I have been busy, and I am

nearly there.

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