Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #2

Tom looks on with suspicion.

TOM:

Who's this fat man, then?

EDDY:

Bacon, the fat man and myself, and it's time to make a call to Harry.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

A hard-looking man of about fifty is sat behind a large antique desk.

On this desk is a hatchet resting in a block of wood, poised like a

judge's hammer. Harry is obviously in the sex game. Cluttered up in a

hazardous way are a selection of d*ldos, spanking paddles, etc. A

cabinet of fine-looking shotguns is placed behind. We have a split

screen involving EDDY and his friends (listening in) and Hatchet with

one hand on the phone and the other on a shotgun.

HATCHET:

You got it all?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY.

EDDY:

A hundred grand.

FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

TOM:

(voice-over)

You see it's not easy to take a seat at this table; the money involved

has to be a hundred grand upwards and there is no shortage of punters.

EDDY:

(voice-over)

The man who decides if you can play is this man Harry, or Hatchet Harry

as some including himself like to call him.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET:

Well if you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind . . .

The phone is slammed down.

SHOT OF HATCHET:

SOAP:

(voice-over)

When the old bastard is not playing cards he's chasing a thousand debts

that ill-fated individuals owe for an array of reasons.

BACON:

(voice-over)

Sex and sleaze and antique shotguns are all deep and dear in Harry's

stone cold heart.

Cut from completed film.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET:

What's this EDDY like, then?

The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting

opposite Hatchet. Meet Barry the Baptist.

FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

EDDY:

(voice-over)

Hatchet has a colleague, a monster of a man: Barry the Baptist.

BACON:

(voice-over)

The Baptist got his name from drowning people for Hatchet.

TOM:

(voice-over)

But he needs him, because he is good at making sure debts get settled

and jobs get done.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

BARRY:

EDDY been shaking the knees of a lot of good players. The boy has a

rare ability, he seems to make cards transparent, got bluffing dow . .

.

HATCHET:

(interrupts)

All right, all right, so we can say he is good.

BARRY:

Better than good, he is a f***ing liability.

HATCHET:

Where did he get a hundred grand?

20

BARRY:

He has got some adhesive mates, they have tossed up between them.

HATCHET:

And JD is his dad, and owns the whole property?

BARRY:

No mortgage, no debts; lock, stock, the sodding lot . . . don't worry,

I got it under control.

HATCHET:

Good, you can get this under control now.

A glossy Christie's brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique

hammer-lock shotguns is shoved in Barry's face.

It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money, and these little

beauties are up for auction, but I am not paying quarter of a million

quid for 'em, if you know what I mean Barry. One of my associates has

given me an address and the location of these lovelies. Make sure we

get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don't want to know who

you use, as long as they are not complete muppets; and don't tell them

what they're worth.

Changing the subject.

'Ere! Hold on, what do you think of these? We are selling hundreds.

Holds up one of the spanking paddles.

BARRY:

Er, very nice Harry. What's it for?

HATCHET:

Don't play innocent with me Bazza; spanking!

The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.

INT. TORTURE ROOM - DAY

Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating.

Administering pain is Dog's forte. He is also the Guy we cut from the

last scene `slap' to the teeing of a golf ball. Wallop. Dog pulls a

sadistic and alarmingly pleasurable face.

DOG:

It's a dog eat dog world, lads, and I got bigger teeth than you.

We see an individual hanging upside down tied up with gaffer tape but

otherwise naked. An orange is stuck in the man's mouth. Dog is standing

on another man's chest who has a tee stuck between his teeth from where

Dog fires golf balls at the other unfortunate figure. The tied-up man

is Gordon. The other is Slick. Gordon nods his head erratically

implying that he has reached a decision.

(to Plank)

I think your man is trying to say something.

Pause.

Perhaps not; maybe I should have another swing just to make sure.

Agonised muffled screaming from Gordon. Slick (who has a tee in his

mouth) shuts his eyes in horror as the golf ball thumps into Gordon.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you would like to tell us?

The orange is removed from Gordon's mouth.

GORDON:

(rushing to get the words out)

In the kitchen, under the floor . . .

SLICK:

(interrupts)

Shut it, you idiot . . .

Dog swings the golf club round Slick's jaw, knocking him unconscious.

DOG:

You were saying?

GORDON:

It's in the karzi, pull the fishing wire under the seat. Jesus, for

god's sake let me down.

PLANK:

Oh, Dog! . . . I think you want to have a look at this!

Plank returns holding an assortment of drugs and cash. Gordon starts to

scream. Dog picks up a steel for sharpening knives and throws it across

the room. Thunk. Silence follows. Plank grimaces.

Oh, Dog!

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - EVENING

Ed, Bacon, Soap and Tom park outside their house. As they get out they

pass Plank and John who have also just parked. They ignore each other,

and go to their separate doors.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BACON places a pile of money on a table. The rest are eating, Tom keeps

looking at his plate distastefully.

BACON:

Twenty-five from me, Tom, Soap and yourself; a hundred grand to the

pound. You don't need to count it.

EDDY:

I still will, if you don't mind.

TOM:

(eating)

So, a reasonable return should be in the region of one hundred and

twenty, for twenty-five grand invested. That's going on previous

experiences.

SOAP:

That's going on optimism.

TOM:

Whatever it's going on, it's still enough to send you on a cooking

course.

SOAP:

You're not funny Tom; you're fat and look as though you should be

funny, but you're not.

Tom is definitely not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. He

examines himself to see if something has developed.

TOM:

Fat? Who are you calling fat? What are all these fat jokes about?

The light switch above Tom's head lets out a few sparks causing him to

cower in a sharp defensive action.

Jesus! It's good in here, ain't it! Trains overhead, walls exploding .

. . Why the hell did you move in?

EDDY:

Because it's cheap like a budgie.

BACON:

And nobody wants to live next door to the people that we live next to;

a bit anti-social, you know.

BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.

TOM:

What do you mean?

EDDY:

He means they're thieving dogs.

BACON:

I mean when they are not picking peanuts out of poop, they're ripping

off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

BACON opens the cupboard doors and puts his finger to his lips. The

noise from next door immediately gets louder.

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