Last Action Hero

This is squad, we got him here.

We have a positive ID. It is the Ripper.

Repeat, it is the Ripper.

This is one hell of a way

to spend Christmas.

- Mulcahey!

- Sir.

- Secure the sidewalk. No one in or out.

- Yes, sir.

Got a present for you. Pigs!

Damn you! Let the children go!

Damn you, Ripper! Let the children go!

Slater! Don't even think it, Slater,

you hear me?

You're gonna sit and wait

for the real hostage negotiator!

God damn it, Jack, I'm talking to you!

The last time you pulled this jive, jitterbug,

tough gonad sh*t,

people lost body parts!

Now, you go in there and it's your badge!

Jack! I know, as mayor

of this great metropolis,

you and I have had our little tiffs,

but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

- Slater, here's what I...

- When the governor gets here, call me.

Slater's attempting to enter.

Do not let him in. Repeat, do not let him in.

- Piece of cake.

- Hey.

You want to be a farmer?

Here's a couple of acres.

- Dekker, the next one I'll hurt.

- Slater, don't go in...

Check fire. There's an officer in the building.

I say again,

there's a plain-clothes officer

in the building!

- Jack, what kept you?

- Dad!

Andy here's been getting nervous.

I promised him you'd come.

Gave him my word of honor

he could watch you die.

- Lose the cannon.

- Has he hurt you, Andrew?

Hurt, Jack? You say "hurt"?

What do you know about hurt, Jack?

- You put me in a cage for 10 years.

- You should have gotten the death penalty.

Yeah, would've, should've, could've.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Things crawling around in your head.

Sitting on my chest when I wake up.

Do you know what that's like, Jack?

It was your illegal search

that rendered the bloody ax inadmissible.

Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.

All right, I'm unarmed. So let the boy go.

Just one gun, Jack? You got to be kidding.

- Is that all, sport?

- Yep, that about does it.

Then step away.

Chop-chop.

Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.

Brilliant, Jack. Brilliant. I surrender.

- It's a live grenade.

- Yeah, right, Jack. Right, right.

You're going to sacrifice your own child

to get to me.

I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it.

Andy, pick up the grenade. Go on.

Show it to me. That's good. Right there.

Jack, that toy can't hurt the boy,

but this one can.

Focus!

Hey, come on! Focus!

- Hey, people are trying to sleep.

- Yeah, right.

The film is out of focus.

The film is out... Never mind.

Nick!

Nick.

Nick?

Nick, you okay?

- What?

- The climax is on the fritz.

All right. All right.

I never used to do that, Danny.

It's okay.

I've seen this Slater six times.

I just got worried.

You know, the new Jack Slater

opens this weekend at the Odyssey.

Like I didn't know that.

"They killed his second cousin.

Big mistake."

"Jack Slater IV."

Well, I'm checking the print tonight,

midnight. Just myself.

I could arrange for you to gain admittance,

that is, you know,

if that sort of thing appeals to you.

- See it before it opens?

- Yeah.

- Who do I have to kill?

- Nobody. All you have to do is get to school.

You know, if you hurry,

you're only going to be four hours late.

Treachery, conspiracy,

sex, sword fights, madness, ghosts.

And in the end, everybody dies.

Shakespeare's Hamlet

couldn't be more exciting.

And though it may seem

that he is incapable of taking any action,

he is, in fact, one of the first action heroes.

What you are going to see

is a scene from the film by Laurence Olivier.

Some of you might have seen him in

the Polaroid commercial,

or as Zeus in Clash ofthe Titans.

O, bosom, black as death!

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