Larry Crowne

1

- Hey, Sam!

- Hi, Larry.

Morning!

Ready?

Trainee!

Welcome to UMart.

Easy now. Easy. Easy. Try this, right here.

Oh!

But they're not... Actually, Mr Avery!

- How much does this go for?

- $279.69

$279.69

That was a wild ride from this horsey

for that little pickle bug! Wasn't it?

- I am so sorry.

- No, I understand.

This happens all the time,

but it's usually the helicopter.

Ah!

You zone the entire depot, every rack,

before you punch out.

It's not just policy.

It's the right thing to do.

- What'd they say?

- You have to listen twice.

Larry Crowne to the

common break area.

"Larry Crowne to the common break area"?

Yeah, that's what I heard. I wonder why.

It's Employee of the Month day.

Spectacular!

How many will this be?

Oh, I'm not saying. Nine.

Larry Crowne on deck, as ordered.

Hey, Vicky, where were you

in Alvarez' baby pool?

I had last week. What a dope.

Front office personnel are recommended

to leave the employee pools

to the hourly staff, Larry. You know that.

That's too bad.

You could've won a hundred bucks.

Cubby, make tracks, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just taking a break

in the common break area.

You know, I think I know

what this is about.

I don't think you do.

- Crowne...

- Mmm.

There's been a restructuring ordered

throughout the UMart nation.

Now, "restructuring" is their word.

Ask me, it's a pain in the tuchis.

That's right, isn't it,

tuchis, where you get kicked?

- A Yiddish word, yeah.

- Absolutely.

- It's like the buttocks.

- Tuchis and buttocks, synonymous.

Well, it hurts when you get kicked back there

no matter what language you're speaking.

You bet.

Larry,

I'm sorry, but we've come to a parting

of the ways, UMart and you.

Miss Hurley will explain.

UMart's policy is to never limit

the opportunities of our employees,

no matter their race, gender,

age, sexual orientation.

It's all published on the website.

A mandatory review of the records

of all team leaders has revealed

that you never matriculated

to a university or college.

That makes you a 4

on the advancement scale of 1 to 4,

4 being the least recommended.

You're limited in your opportunities

for all further advancement corporate-wide,

and that's something UMart does not do.

That's, uh, something UMart does not do.

Well, this sounds like you're firing me.

See, Larry, here's the problem.

Your lack of educational background

is gonna forever retard your movement

up the UMart ladder.

You're forever retarded, Crowne,

'cause you didn't go to college.

SMU. Class of '86. That's solid gold, man.

They just don't give those away.

Three years, Chico State.

So, that's why everybody's

made front office except me?

You and I

went head-to-head, Larry.

I mean, who'd have thought

I'd get promoted over you?

I chose the Navy

right out of high school.

I did almost 20 years.

Weren't you a cook?

We'd like to thank you for your service

to the nation, Larry,

and, frankly, in all seriousness,

for your service to UMart, too,

but that's over with now.

Absolutely. Hey, ho, hey, pizza left.

- One slice. Anybody want it?

- No.

Larry?

No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, please, please,

don't, I cannot be fired.

These last couple years

have just been a bloodbath.

I mean, I have really taken a beating.

Hey, we've all gotten our clocks cleaned

by our ex-wives. Am I right?

Larry, the timing on something like this

is always a bitch.

It's always a bitch.

I thought I was gonna be

Employee of the Month.

Well, in a way, you are.

According to your website,

the position is still open.

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