L.A. Story

My name is Harris K. Telemacher.

I live in L.A. And I've

had seven heart attacks, all imagined.

I was deeply unhappy

but I didn't know it,

cause I was happy all the time.

I have a favorite quote about L.A.

By Shakespeare:

"This other Eden...

demi-paradise...

this precious stone...

set in the silver sea of this earth,

this ground... this Los Angeles.

Anyway, this is what happened to me,

and I swear, it's all true.

"Watch out L.A., it's major gridlock

out there this morning..."

No, no, no...

It's the perfect situation! - I can't

be in a parade. I'm in the news.

You won't see Dan Rather in a parade.

- 15 seconds to air.

What is good about waving at people?

- It's gonna make you beloved.

Waving is not what I do best. It

looks fake. - That's a great wave!

Look! I have to maintain my dignity.

People have to believe what I say.

This is news! This is truth!

...Telemacher with his report.

Hey, it's time for the

wac-wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!

Let's look at our weather map.

There's a low

coming in over Pasedna...

that's Pasadena, here,

no, there...

There were clouds here but the Council

decided against it, so there's no rain

in Beverly Hills.

We'll just have some sun, and snow,

and 72 and snow is what we'll have.

And now the car phone report.

Sunspot activity is at a minimum,

so there will be little interference.

So make that big important call.

You probably won't be disconnected.

And that's my report.

Gail and Bob.

Harris, somebody told me

you have a PhD. In Arts and

Humanities. - I do.

Did you a lotta good.

Harris, what's wacky?

What's wacky?

What's wacky about your last forecast?

- To me it was wacky.

No, not wacky.

- Not wacky?

That's we bought with you. You do

intellectual stuff. - Intellectual?

Maybe intellectual for you.

Because of your education.

This is an intellectual free zone!

- More wacky...

More wacky, let me make a note of

that. What was your name again?

We're late, aren't we?

- It's only one.

That's when we should be there.

I figure if I get here at 12:40,

we'll get there in plenty of time.

But I don't count on

the 20 minutes of "busyness"

that goes on after I get here.

I'm doing 30 minute lips.

Besides, they can wait.

You look so ready that I get ready

and I get up and stand by the door,

and I stand there for 10 minutes

until I realize you aren't ready.

So, I sit back down.

Then, I think you're ready again.

But I realize you just gave off

an illusion of being ready that I

interpreted as not being an illusion.

I'll be in the car.

Sitting there at that moment,

I thought of Shakespeare again.

He said, "Hey, life is pretty stupid.

Lots of hubbub to keep you busy

but really not ammounting to much."

Of course I'm paraphrasing.

"Life is a tale told by an idiot,

full of

sound and fury, signifying nothing."

You look nice.

Like this one better? I could change.

- No, that's all right.

Who are we having lunch with?

Friends and friends of friends.

And some of my gift service clients.

Frank will be there.

- I just saw Frank.

He wanted me to be in a parade.

If it weren't impossible for me

to fire people, I'd get somebody else.

20 minutes past one...

Hey, if you sense something

in the air, it's not the smog!

It's the first day of spring!

What did he say?

The first day of spring.

Sh*t!

Open season on the L.A. Freeway.

Look in the glove compartment!

Is it loaded? - It only has

two bullets. - Then load it!

Get over!

- Do bullets go bad?

No, no, it's not like milk! Hurry!

Don't point it at me!

- Sorry.

You son of a b*tch!

Don't ruin our brunch!

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