L!fe Happens

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1

(WOMEN MOANING)

DEENA:
I like that,

that's good.

KIM:
Oh, yeah.

MAN:
Oh, yeah.

DEENA:
Do you...

Do you have... You know...

(KIM MOANING)

KIM:
Wait, wait.

Two seconds, I'll be right back.

BOTH:
Do you have a condom?

No. Crap!

Dude, I've been looking

for that nightie everywhere.

KIM:
Are you sure it's not mine?

I've had it forever.

DEENA:
It looks better

on your b*obs anyway.

Thanks.

DEENA:
Who do you

have in there anyway?

I didn't even

hear you come in.

Oh, I'm with that Australian

surfer with the neck tattoos.

Ooh! Checkmate!

What about you?

Who do you have in there?

Uh...

Beet face.

You're having

anonysex with a guy

you met in

the Costco parking lot?

DEENA:
I already told him

he couldn't stay over

'cause I got to get

up early to write.

Oh, totally.

God, where is that stash?

I know it's somewhere.

Oh! Found them!

There's only one left.

How did that happen?

We just bought these!

Dibs!

I'm ovulating!

What?

It's true!

I never work out

on the fifteenth day

of my cycle because

I get pains in my side,

and if you remember correctly, Kim,

I did not work out yesterday.

What? What am I supposed to do?

Raw dog a random?

Don't be a douche nozzle!

(SIGHS)

Pull and pray, baby!

MARC:
All right, Kim, were

you gonna do me, or what?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO)

(INAUDIBLE)

Three o'clock, dude.

That sleaze weasel's

eyegasming all over your face.

Really?

Yeah.

He I

Hi! Y"

Stoplights, huh?

Yeah. Stoplights.

I love them. (GIGGLES)

So do we.

It's crazy!

Crazy.

I'm Ivan and this

is my friend, Ivan.

Well, hello, lvans.

Hello.

So, we're headed to this little

party up in the hills this evening.

You girls wanna join?

Why don't you

give us the details?

(BABY CRYI NG)

Is it too much to ask

for a date with a guy

other than the one

I gave birth to?

Oh, come on.

Where is my friend who shares

my mutual suffering

of high self-esteem?

KIM:
She smells like milk,

puke and diaper ointment.

Oh, hey, Billy, will you come

help me with Max's stroller?

Sure, Kim.

Okay. There you go.

Thank you.

(BILLY GRUNTS)

Hey!

Hey.

I found a job on Craigslist

that pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

Laura, I love you, but raw fish?

Nudity? What would Jesus say?

Lefsleave

the Lord out of this.

Oh, God.

Hey! I found a job on Craigslist

that pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

No, I think I'm good.

Oh, Dr. Katie's on.

DEENA:
Did you say

Dr. Katie's on?

Hi, buddy.

As a sexpert, I recommend regular

sex once a week, at least.

If you can't procure sex,

visit your gynecologist,

and he can suggest

certain solutions.

(MAX VOMITS)

Oh! Oh!

BOTH:
Ew!

Max, my favorite shirt!

Baby puke is pretty

much just breast milk.

Just hand me the napkins.

I saw Kelly Ripa

eat breast-milk cheese

on LIVE! the other day,

with a pickle on it.

That's disgusting.

It also comes in dolphin,

bear, monkey and worms.

Worms? Ew.

Laura, it is so weirdly hypocritical

that you watch this stuff.

It's like an anorexic

watching Top Chef.

Make fun of me all you want

for being a virgin,

okay, but at least

you'll never hear me say,

"I had sex with some guy last

night and he didn't call me,"

or "I got pregnant again,"

or "I got chlamydia."

Ooh! Snap.

Ask your insurance provider

if they'll cover this-

(VIBRATING)

(ECHOING)

You need it, Kim.

Oh, I really need to

get more sleep.

(WHIRRING)

Hey.

Hey!

I made this for you.

Thank you.

You are saving my life.

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