Kiss Me, Stupid

Synopsis: Dino, the charming and lecherous Las Vegas singer, stops for gas on his way to Hollywood in Climax, Nevada. The oily gas station attendant is Barney Millsap, a would-be lyricist who writes pop songs with Orville Spooner, the local piano teacher. By disabling Dino's car, Barney contrives a scheme to have Dino sing one of their songs on an upcoming TV special. To entertain Dino, Barney contacts the village tart, Polly, employing her to pretend to be Orville's wife, Zelda, for a night. She doesn't like Dino, but does love being Orville's surrogate wife. Dino goes to a bar, where he meets the real Zelda, and they spend the night together while Polly spends it with Orville.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Billy Wilder
Production: United Artists
Rotten Tomatoes:
125 min

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

You should care

For me

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love

To see

You make

My life so glamorous

You can't blame me

for feeling amorous

Now, is this

a bit of terrific, hmm?

Last night, she was banging

on my door for 45 minutes...

but I wouldn't let her out.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

That you should care for me

Don't worry. I'll get the mail.

I'll get it.

Uh-oh. Speaking of my mo...

I have an amazing mother.

You know, she's 85 years old,

and she don't need glasses.

She drinks

right out of the bottle.

She don't even

open them anymore.

She goes

right through the label.

Oh, and drinking?

My doctor said,

"Stop drinking"...

so I'm not gonna drink anymore.

I'm gonna freeze it now

and eat it like a Popsicle.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

You should care

For me

2, 3, 4.

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love

To see

I guess you all know

this is my last night here.

Tomorrow morning

I'm going to Hollywood...

and make a new picture...

me, Frank Sinatra,

Sammy Davis Jr...

and Joey Bishop...

called "Little Women."

But before that,

I'm gonna do a TV special...

with Mr. Bing Crosby.

Now, why Bing works so hard,

I'll never know.

He's got $21 million...

on him.

My dear

It's four-leaf clover time

From now on,

my heart's working overtime

I don't care

who you are, fat man.

You get them reindeers

off my roof.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

That you should care

For me

Good night! Good night!

See you next year!

Great, Dino. Only great.

They were rolling in the aisles.

Why didn't somebody

take their dice away?



Am I going to see you

before you leave?

Just one last nightcap?

You got it.

I'll be in my room.

Keep your hat on.

What's her name? Mitzi?

No, no. Sylvia.


This one is Mitzi.



Are we going to

get together tonight?

Just one for the road, huh?

It's a must.

My room later, OK?

This is beginning to look

like Custer's last stand.

Like what?

Because it isn't

just Sylvia and Mitzi.

There are all those

other Indians.

You've got Janet

in the dressing room...

Juicy Lucy up in your suite...

and those German twins...

waiting for you

in the steam room.

That's the whole idea.

Now that I got everybody

stashed away, I can beat it.

So you pack my stuff

and put it in the car.

You're going to leave

just like that,

without saying good-bye?

Damn right, because

if I start saying good-bye...

to all these dames,

you'll have to carry me

out of here...

what's left of me...

in a cigar box...


What's the matter?

That Sinatra kid missing again?

We had a bad pileup

down the highway.

You'll have to take the detour.

Where does that lead to?

You come out at Barstow,

by way of Warm Springs...

Paradise Valley, and Climax.

That's the only way to go.

Fill 'er up?

Yeah. No, no. Over here.

Anything else?

No, thanks.

Hey! You forgot

your green stamps!

Hi, Barney!

Deedle, deedle, deedle

Deedle, deedle, deedle

Deedle, deedle, d...

No, no, Mulligan.

You've got an extra

deedle in there.

It's six deedles, not seven.

Let's not monkey around

with Beethoven, shall we?

Once more.


Yes, dear?

What's the matter?

Please, dear, not now.

Mulligan, not only

do you have a tin ear...

you have lead fingers.

Whoever told you

to take up the piano?

You did, sir.

Well, I need the money,

but what's your excuse?

It says here

molto espressione...

which means with much


with feeling, with heart.

From the top again.



Just a minute, you.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Spooner.

Don't you "hi there" me.

I know your type,

sneaking around to back doors.

All right, let's have it.

Have what?

That note my wife left you.

You must think I'm blind

or stupid or something.

Oh, yeah, the... sure.

The note.

She wanted, uh, two quarts

of milk and a dozen eggs.

A likely story.

"Two quarts of milk.

One dozen eggs."

What's it all about?

I'll tell you

what it's all about.

It's about, um...


And she forgot

to order buttermilk.

She always forgets.

She doesn't like buttermilk,

but I like buttermilk.

There's nothing

like buttermilk...

especially if you

have a lazy colon.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, Mulligan.

Now you're leaving out

a deedle.

There are six deedles, not five.


Yes, lambchop?

Zip me up, will you, please?

Going somewhere?

Yes, and I'm late.

I don't want

to keep him waiting.

Of course not. Him? Whom?

The dentist.

Oh. You got a toothache?

No. Time to have

my teeth cleaned.

You just had them cleaned.

I have to go in

every three months.

Dr. Sheldrake says I have

very tender gums.

Oh, he does, does he?

Bye, darling.


Where did you get those flowers?

They're from Johnnie.

I picked them myself.

Isn't he sweet?

Yes, isn't he?

Well, I'm off.

See you, Johnnie.

How old are you, Mulligan?

Fourteen... going on fifteen.

Pretty big for your age,

aren't you?

That's what they tell me.

You stay away from my wife,

do you hear me?


Pussyfooting around

behind my back!

Bringing flowers

to a married woman!

Let go of me!

You ought to be horsewhipped!

And don't you ever

come back here again...

you teenage wolf!

You male Lolita!


Hey, you, Orville!

Listen to this!

I think I got it. L...

Are you ready?

I'm a poached egg.

You're a what?

I'm a poached egg.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote

Billy Wilder

Billy Wilder was an Austrian-born American filmmaker, screenwriter, producer, artist and journalist, whose career spanned more than fifty years and sixty films. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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