Keeping Up with the Joneses

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I work in Human Resources

or "HR," as some people call it.

And I have this poster

in my office that says,

"Keep calm and go to your safe place."

Well, when I get a little stressed out

or my anxiety spikes,

I close my eyes

and picture my cul-de-sac,

and my wonderful wife, Karen,

and our two sons, Patrick and Mikey.

Because that's the place where I know

everything is always okay.

No matter what.

-Bye, Mikey, Patrick. Bye, you guys.

-Bye, guys.

You can text us

the minute you get to camp.

Yeah, okay.

And if you get any ticks,

put it in the plastic baggie

with the date and time of the bite,

and I'll get them tested.

Change your socks. Okay, guys?

Change your socks.

We love you. We love you.

We're gonna miss you.

-Love you guys!

-Have so much fun!

Be strong!

Be strong.

Did that bus driver

look sober to you, honey?

Because he gave me a really weird look

when I smelled his breath.

Well, I think you just startled him.

Look, there's Meg.

Hey, Meg.

I sold it.

-That was so fast.

-Thank you.

All cash buyers.

All cash buyers? That's fancy.

Yeah. And the best part is,

they didn't even see it.

They just saw the pictures online.

I haven't even met them

in person. It's crazy.

Who buys a house

without seeing it first?

I know. Maybe it's a celebrity,

you know?

Come on, Jeff.

No celebrity is gonna move here.

I hope it's not some kind of

meth lab situation.

There he is.

-Sorry.

-Where have you been?

Kinko's was bananas.

It often is.

So exciting. New neighbors, right?

And, Karen,

I left your card in the foyer,

-just in case they want a decorator.

-Thank you.

So did you tell

Jeff about my new idea

for the guest bathroom?

No.

Artist's loft.

Think Brooklyn, okay?

Exposed brick,

visible plumbing. And...

A urinal.

A urinal!

That's really for me.

Meg wants me standing up again.

Well, I suppose I'd better get started

on the urinal.

Yeah, no. I know

what you're getting started on.

Empty house, kids are gone.

Please.

-Honeymoon.

-All right, keep it PG, guys.

Well, we gotta go

flyer the subdivision anyway.

-We're gonna pound the pavement.

-Yeah.

-Jeff, you should try it hyena style.

-We'll try it.

That's the noise I make.

I think Meg has changed up

her medication, honey.

What's Dan's excuse then?

Some of that stuff

they were saying was demented.

-Disgusting.

-Yeah.

But maybe they have a point.

I don't know.

Alone in the house.

First time in a long time.

Yeah, I mean,

we can do whatever we want.

I DVR-ed the Good Wife.

Great. I'll make popcorn.

-Back it up.

-You got it.

-How much room we got?

-Almost there.

Hey, Bernie.

New neighbors aren't wasting

any time moving in, are they?

Nope.

You're gonna clean that up,

right, Berno?

Always do.

Okay, have a good one.

Come on, guys. Let's get outta here.

Come on, fellas. Let's go. Come on.

Hi, Jack. Good morning.

Don't let anybody say that to you

on a plane. "Hijack."

Good morning, anyway.

Morning.

Hi, Diane.

Jeff, good morning.

See those moving vans?

Couldn't miss them.

-Gosh!

-So,

-any word on the new neighbors?

-No.

-Anything?

-Nothing.

Guarantee they're no Dave and Bridget.

Well, at least the summer's

not a total loss.

I mean, we got Junetoberfest

to look forward to.

-Yes, we do.

-And our jobs.

Always have our jobs.

By the way, how's it going upstairs?

Jesus, Jeff. You know I can't

talk about what we do upstairs.

Yeah. I know. It's all right.

Hey, by the way,

I still have those indoor skydiving

lessons if you wanna join me.

My treat.

This week's really hectic.

Kid stuff. But, maybe.

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