Keanu

Synopsis: Rell's life is changed forever when a cute kitten comes to his door, and he names it Keanu. Unfortunately, one weekend later, Keanu is abducted by persons unknown. Now Rell and his cousin, Clarence, are men on a mission to find Keanu against the odds. Unfortunately, those odds prove to be perilously high as they find Keanu in the care of the ruthless gangster, Cheddar, and he will only part with him for a price. Now for that cute kitten, these two middle class bumblers find themselves neck deep in a dangerous alien world of drugs and gang violence with only their desperate audacity, creativity and sheer dumb luck giving them a chance to survive.
Genre: Action, Comedy
Director(s): Peter Atencio
Production: Warner Bros. Pictures
  5 wins & 5 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.3
Metacritic:
63
Rotten Tomatoes:
78%
R
Year:
2016
100 min
Website
1,219 Views


1

Los Phantomas.

Oh!

Juan?

Luis?

Pablo!

Oh...

No, no, no, please!

No, no, no!

Look, there's money. Look at

all the drugs around you, man.

We could do business. We'll get you rich!

What are you doing? No.

Stop doing that. No, what are you...

No, no. Look, you got

all this money around, man.

No, no...

He's my kitten, Iglesias.

Please, please.

No, don't hurt him. Please.

No, no, no.

That's my baby, Iglesias. No, no.

He's a kitten, you know.

Everybody likes baby kittens.

Right?

You know, it's not so bad, yeah.

Please, no. Look, I'll go away.

I'll go away, please!

Please, no!

Freeze! Police!

Drop your weapon now!

Show me your hands now!

On the ground. Get on the ground!

Get on the ground now!

Call Rell.

Calling Rell.

Hey, cuz!

Oh, my gosh. You're alive, man.

How are you? How you doing?

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Are you okay?

Maisie broke up with me.

Yes! Finally.

Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.

What happened? Why?

I don't know.

She said my life wasn't going anywhere.

I mean, what the f*** does that even mean?

Hey, you know what?

I'm gonna swing by right now.

No!

Clarence, I don't want you

to see me like this.

I look like Apollo Creed.

Which Rocky?

The one where he died.

Oh, boy. Okay. All right.

Hang on, I'm gonna be right there, okay?

Okay.

Oh!

Can I help you?

Hey.

Hey.

Here you go.

Go ahead. Drink some.

It's just milk.

I swear, look.

There.

You just drank it 'cause I drank it.

Oh, you're so hungry.

What?

Okay.

No, no, no, you need a bath.

All right, just stay there.

All right, we're gonna have to walk.

Rell, it's gonna be okay.

Now, I know you don't want to

hear this right now,

but everything happens for a reason.

You're right, Clarence.

Everything does happen for a reason.

I want you to meet

Keanu.

What?

No.

No.

Oh, my God!

That's the cutest cat

I've ever seen in my life.

Hello! I'm sorry, Keanu?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

I think it means "cool breeze"

in Hawaiian.

Honey, I'm sorry

I can't come with you guys this weekend.

It's just I've got all that

stuff to do around the house.

I understand, honey. It's fine.

I got the low-flow toilet to put in.

I just want you to do me

a little favor this weekend.

- Yeah.

- I want you to try and relax.

Right. Got it. Absolutely.

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes you can be

a little wound up.

Wound up? How am I wound up?

You're not hearing me.

You're not hearing me.

You spend so much time

trying to be the person

- you think everyone wants you to be.

- Okay.

And I just want you to be Clarence.

Okay, great.

If that's what you want, then...

- But, see, that's what I'm saying.

- No, no, no.

I mean, that's what I want,

so that's what I'm gonna do.

Deep breath. Ready?

Just...

Ah!

Loosen up your shoulders.

And what's crack-a-lacking,

beautiful people?

Hey, Spencer.

Hannah. A vision, as always.

Oh, thank you.

- Give me that.

- Okay.

- Clarence. Give me some skin.

- Spencer.

You got it, brother.

That's all the skin you get.

Where's Belle?

Oh, honey, let me get her for you. Belle!

- Them's some pipes.

- Right.

Our daughters just can't get

enough of each other, huh?

I'm tellin' ya. Girls, right?

Raising girls is the best.

- I tell ya, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Hey. Here we go.

- Thanks.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe when you get back,

we can see that new

Shailene Woodley movie, huh?

Clarence, you're embarrassing me.

- My bad.

- She got ya. She got ya.

- There we go. There.

- Let's do it, kids.

Get your seatbelt on, young ladies.

Okay. We got this.

Oh, honey.

Really got to go, guys.

All right, sweetheart.

All right. Okay.

Uh, where's Micah?

Oh, well, unfortunately,

my beautiful bride sends her apologies.

She can't make it this weekend.

She's got food poisoning.

- Oh, no.

- Oh!

Yeah, poor thing. She was up all night

just projectile vomiting.

- Oh!

- And more.

You know.

I'll spare you the gritty details.

- Thanks.

- Oh! Oh, yeah.

And diarrhea is what I'm talking about.

- Right.

- Oh.

Great. So, no Micah, then?

No. No Micah this weekend.

That's okay. That's okay.

That's too bad. It's too bad. But, uh...

- It's fine.

- Okay. Well, yeah.

Take care.

- And have a good time.

- We will.

Oh, yep.

- Bye, honey.

- Drive safe. Bye, Belle.

Take care, guys! Have a great time!

Ah!

Here's kitty!

No, you don't want to go through there.

Look, you just want to

stay in there, okay?

She's just found your manuscript

and you're ferocious with that.

So, you're gonna stay right there. Yeah.

Rell?

Just find the space. In here!

Hey.

Wow, you're working again.

What is that?

- This is December.

- December?

Yeah, for the calendar.

I didn't tell you about

the calendar. Check it.

The calendar?

Oh!

- Well, this is amazing.

- Thanks.

You could make a bundle on this.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I'm not gonna sell it.

- Oh!

- It's for personal use only. And family.

Oh, well, thank you.

No, I wouldn't want to exploit

Keanu's cuteness like that.

Okay.

You have been very productive.

- I know, right?

- Um...

Yeah. You know what?

This movie's in about 20 minutes.

- Are you ready to go?

- Uh, yes, okay.

Come here, buddy.

Good job today, man. You did really good.

I'm gonna put Keanu in his little nook.

Oh, he has a nook?

Of course he has a nook.

Everyone has a nook.

Okay. Hey, buddy.

House meeting.

I'm nothing without you.

And at the same time,

I need you to clean up

your little area while I'm gone.

Is that cool?

- I'll see you soon.

- Okay. Good.

Uh, say goodbye.

You're coming with me.

Right, yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

Uh, goodbye, Keanu.

Cool.

Now, we'll talk about it later.

Okay. Bye. Hey.

Get that b*tch!

Get her! Get her!

Get her! Yeah!

I'm psyched for this movie, man.

Is that a photo of you and Maisie?

Yeah. I mean, it was.

That was amazing!

Movie of the year!

That is, like, the best Liam Neesons movie

I've ever seen in my life.

- Best Liam Neesons movie ever.

- Hands down.

I'm, like, jacked up from that movie!

- All right, settle down. Settle down.

- Whoo!

What a way to start a weekend,

you know what I mean?

That's good, because now,

I've got all that "doing me"

stuff out of the way,

and now tomorrow, I can mow the lawn,

- I can get my bills done.

- Hey. Hey.

You don't think that going and seeing

a Liam Neesons movie with me right now

counts towards you doing you.

- What? That is me doing me.

- No.

I wanted to see that movie.

Hannah would never go see that with me.

It's just the beginning.

You have something else planned

for the rest of the weekend?

We're gonna go to my house, right now.

We're gonna smoke some weed.

No, Rell. Hannah would...

Will love it. Hannah will love it.

You don't know my wife very well.

I know her well enough

to know that she's a woman,

and women like bad boys.

Who are you to give me this advice?

Are you bad?

I mean, I'm not saying I roll up,

f***in' with my AK, poppin' fools.

No, you're not rolling up,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Jordan Peele

Jordan Haworth Peele (born February 21, 1979)[2] is an American actor, comedian, writer, producer, and director. more…

All Jordan Peele scripts | Jordan Peele Scripts

3 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Keanu" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 16 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/keanu_11645>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.


    Quiz

    Are you a screenwriting master?

    »
    What is the typical length of a feature film screenplay?
    A 30-60 pages
    B 150-180 pages
    C 90-120 pages
    D 200-250 pages