
Kaboom
It's always the same dream
I'm wandering Naked
In this strange Maze of hallways
And I feel this creeping sense
Of impending doom
Like something terrible's
About to happen
I pass my roommate
My Mom
My best friend Stella
Basically every significant
person in my life
And they're all just staring at me
Like I'm some kind of museum display
Behind glass
Then I see two people
I've never met before
A mysterious unearthly
Beautiful woman
And this red-haired girl
And they both seem to be
Leading me deeper into the corridor
This is when I noticed
A black door
And I'm not sure why
But somehow I know that I've gotta
Find out what's behind it
So I grabbed hold of the knob
Opened the door and discovered
A dumpster
I've had the same bizarre
Fucking dream
Every night since I moved into
The dorms last week
So now I'm wide awake
And, being 18 and perpetually horny
Anytime I have 5 idle minutes
My right hand automatically
Takes over
Like it's got a will of its own
Sorry
I'm just trying to be quiet
It's too hot to sleep anyway
How's the party?
Rad
I'm wasted
Nice
You should've come with us, dude
Everyone got crumped
Swam
The water was so warm
Mind if I sit?
Can I ask you something?
Sure
- You're like gay, right?
Uhhh, I'm more Undeclared
What's it like exactly?
Being with a girl
It's way different
It's more...
Raw
Physical
I mean, cause you're intimately familiar
With plumbing,
There's less mystery and guesswork
Like,
You know exactly what to do...
And how it feels
Do you like, Kiss and stuff?
Of course
I've never...
Y'know,
Kissed another guy before
Well, it's pretty fucking awesome
My roommate...
Plough me
Plough me with your monstrous tool!
So, yeah
I have an excruciatingly
Hot, straight roommate
Wassup I'm Thor
Like the comic Yup!
And his name really is Thor
As in the superhero
God of Thunder
With the giant hammer
I sleep naked
I hope that doesn't weird you out
It's a perpetual torture
Plus of course he's a surfer,
Dumb as a box of rocks
AKA, exactly my type
I'm like really into Gran Turismo 5
And before that I was into SOCOM
And oh yeah!
Killzone!
I get with guys sometimes
Sexually I mean
And also, I like to surf
Do you surf, dude?
The guy sounds like a fucking asstard
My partner-in-crime
Stella
Stella and I first met
way back in 9th Grade
I refuse to do this assignment
Cause you're
A sexist loser who has no fucking clue
What you're talking about
Are you sure it's not straight love Or in
love with another oblivious boy fixation?
It's just that I'm not sure
You said he was putting a load
In some pinhead stryer last night
Yeah, but doing it with women
Doesn't necessarily make him straight
Case in point
The fact that you randomly sometimes
Stick it in a girl does not mean anything
Beyond you
Need to monitor your drinking
Here we go
Now he's your typical straight guy, right?
When it comes to sloppiness, and manners
And scratching his balls
In public
Or like eating half a piece of pizza
On someone's coffee table
However, he also does
Stuff like that...
He wears deodorant every single day
And he exfoliates every night
Religiously, with one of those vibrating
Derma-brasion things
Plus, he's a little too
Into his own body
Like beyond a normal
Straight guy who works out
Admiring his self kinda way
Are we done?
No
I saved the weirdest thing for last
Almost everyday, right?
Very hetero, very dude, choice
Except for the fact
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Kaboom" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 20 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kaboom_11556>.