Johnny Dangerously

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Anybody hungry?

Didn't think so.

Just kidding.

Okay, fellas, food time.

Burt, liver, no onions.

Here you go, Burtie.

And, for dessert...

There you go.

Connie, Mack, you kids wanted the tuna,

hold the mayo. Lovely choice.

Here you go. I'm not crazy

about you two living together.

Marvin, you ordered the flounder.

I didn't like the way it looked...

...so I prepared a little something

special for you. I think you'll like this.

Maybe not.

Okay, here we go.

- Polly, get that for me, would you?

- All right.

Kelly's Pet Shop. Polly speaking.

It's your mother, Johnny.

- Tell her to hold, would you?

- Hang on.

Thanks, Pol. Hi, Ma.

Not too much.

I'm just feeding some of the animals.

Yeah, sure. It's probably just

the weather. Don't worry about it.

Probably get better tomorrow.

Maybe if you wouldn't drink so much,

the whole thing would clear up.

I'll see you later.

All right, come here.

Hand it over.

- What the hell was that noise?

- It was this little gadget.

Something I came up with.

Prevents stealing.

- Stops guys like you.

- Go ahead, call the cops.

- Let's get this over with.

- Pretty tough, huh?

- Tough enough.

- Yeah? You like stealing?

- Beats paying for it.

- You think stealing makes you big?

Bigger than you, wearing an apron

and feeding a bunch of monkeys.

- I'll tell you where stealing gets you.

- Wake me when you're through.

You know, I started out just like you, kid.

It must have been 25 years ago.

- What's going on?

- Don't worry. It'll end in a few minutes.

It always does this when I talk

about the past. It was 1910.

Times were good in America.

Plenty of everything:

Jobs, security, laughs.

America was in great shape,

except for President William Howard Taft.

Was he a porker. He weighed as much

as Teddy Roosevelt and half of McKinley.

immigrants poured in from all over

the world, looking for a better life.

Over 97 percent of them settled

in a two-block area of New York City.

There was a law that said that

immigrants who wanted citizenship...

...had to stay out of their apartments and

walk around the streets with hats on.

Most didn't find streets

paved with gold.

instead, they found hard times. Nobody

had it tougher than my mom, Mom Kelly.

She was kind and sweet.

She had a colorful way of putting things.

The Lower East Side,

this really sucks.

I was your age and just

starting out in business.

Hey, kid, you got a paper?

- Hi, Mom.

Hi, Johnny.

- Your pancreas feeling better?

- Now don't you go worrying about me.

- You just keep yourself warm.

- Thanks, Mom.

Oh, God, it's the worst July in years.

You go on upstairs. As soon as I

sell these, we'll celebrate your birthday.

You're my darling boy.

Hey, kid, paper here.

- Yeah.

All right, Tribune. Get your Tribune.

Get your Tribune.

Tribune. Get your Tribune.

One lousy penny.

- One lousy penny. Get your Tribune.

Hey, this is my corner.

- Danny Vermin don't move for nobody.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's okay, officer,

I can handle this myself.

- Stop the car, Arthur. I wanna see this.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee.

- No hard feelings.

- You ain't seen the last of Danny Vermin.

Hey, kid. Come here.

- I like the way you handle yourself.

- Thanks, mister.

Do you know who this man is?

- I give up.

- How'd you like to make a 50?

Do I have to break the law?

If I broke the law, it'd be

like breaking my mother's heart.

Okay, kid.

But if you change your mind...

...Ill be at the Club 25.

- Dr. Magnus? How's my mother?

- It's her pancreas. I need to operate.

- How much is it gonna cost?

- $49.95.

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