John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #5

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Dish, now."

I have a wife and a dog,

and we just bought a house.

We have a new house.

It was built in the '20s,

but it was flipped in 2014.

Which means it's haunted, but it

has a lovely kitchen backsplash.

Actually, we didn't buy a

house. A bank bought a house,

and I'm allowed to keep

my shirts and pants there

while I pay it off for 30 years.

The woman from the bank came over

and she showed me my mortgage broken

down month by month for 30 years.

And she said, "So, for instance, this

is what you'll pay in July of 2029."

And I burst out laughing. I was like,

"2029? That's not a real year.

By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice

with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I'm not gonna be writing

you a paper check."

I like having a house, but

I loved looking for a house,

'cause I love real estate agents.

I mean, they are the true heroes.

They really are. Have

you ever watched HGTV?

Real estate agents have to deal with

the dumbest people in the world

making the biggest

decisions of their lives.

Every episode of HGTV is like,

"Craig and Stacia are looking

for a two-story A-frame

that's near Craig's job in the downtown,

but also satisfies Stacia's

need to be near the beach

which is nowhere near Craig's job.

With three children and nine on the way,

and a max budget of $7...

let's see what Lori Jo can do

on this week's episode of You

Don't Deserve A Beach House."

I loved our real estate agent. It

was so fun to hang out with her.

It was like hanging out with my mom.

'Cause, you know, real estate

agents always look like your mom.

And they have various

Chico's accoutrements.

They always have kind of fun mom energy.

And they're always, "So

excited to see you two."

We would have little conferences

before we walked into a house.

She'd go, "Let's talk.

Let's talk before we go in."

We're, like, two feet from the door.

"So, there's no toilets.

And I know that was on your list.

But I think I can get

him to budge. Let's go."

So, we'd have a real estate agent,

and then, like, the house

would have a real estate agent

who's just some guy sitting in a big chair.

And these two always hated each other.

They'd be like, "Hi, Tony." "Hi, Kim."

It's like, "Jesus Christ! What,

were you two in the Eagles together?

What is the animosity about?"

Our real estate agent

wanted us to have a baby

more than anyone else in our lives,

more than anyone in our family.

She hinted about it constantly.

Every room she walked into, she'd be like,

"So, this could be an office."

"Or maybe a nursery."

"Yeah. No, like we said, we don't

know if we're gonna have... "

"No, no. I know, I know, you know.

You don't know if you're

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