John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #3

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the other altar boy said,

"Aw, she's ugly."

And then they looked,

and they were right

next to the video camera.

And I know that's awful,

but wouldn't you give a million

dollars to see that wedding video?

It was the best moment of

this stupid woman's life,

and she's walking down the

aisle, and the organ's like...

And she gets all the way to

the altar to her betrothed,

and he unveils her to the

world and to the eyes of God.

And right at that second,

for no reason at all,

some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached,

13-year-old prick decides to go,

"Aw, she's ugly!"

Hopefully the videographer

knew some sound editing

so he could fix it to be

like, "Aw, she's beautiful.

She's enchanting."

I grew up Catholic. I

don't go to church anymore.

But I went on Christmas

Eve with my parents,

'cause you know how you

lie to your parents. So...

we go into the church and I was

like, "I got this under control."

And then I got schooled because

they introduced a bunch of new sh*t.

No, I was going through Mass

and I was batting, like, .400.

And then in the middle

of Mass, the priest said,

"Peace be with you."

And everyone said, "And with your spirit."

And I was the one pre-Y2K

a**hole going, "And also with you.

What? Huh? What? Huh?

What? When? When?"

For those of you that aren't

Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you,

even though we love to exclude you, but...

There's a part in church

where the priest says,

"Peace be with you."

And for many, many years, we all said...

- "And also with you."

- Very good.

But they changed it to

"And with your spirit."

Because that's what needed

revamping in the Catholic Church.

That was the squeaky wheel

that needed the grease.

In Rome, they were like,

"Let's see. What problems can we solve?

Problem one. No."

I'm actually glad they

changed that, though.

I never liked "And also with you."

I always found that clunky.

"And also with you."

That's not how you talk.

- "Have a nice day."

- "And also you having one."

It's just a little bit wrong, isn't it?

It's just a little off.

Like, when someone's like, "How are

you?" And you're like, "Nothing much."

And it sort of makes sense.

Never begin a sentence with "And also."

You just immediately

sound caught off-guard.

It sounds like if at the first church ever,

like, they weren't expecting it.

Like, the priest was like,

"Hey, this is the first

time we've ever had church.

I just wanna say, 'Peace be with you.'"

And they were like...

"What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And

also you should have some."

"Hey, that's good. Let's

keep that for 2,000 years.

And then change it to trick John."

My wife and I don't have

any children, we have a dog.

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